IS there a way to Quit Obsessing?

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#1 Nov 15 - 10AM

Kiwi2005

IS there a way to Quit Obsessing?

I wish there was. I really wish there was some kind of manual that told us exactly what to do, we do it, and it all stops and goes away. But there isn't... we so must find our own way to help ourselves (no one ever said helping ourselves was easy- it's probably the hardest thing to do- hence the struggle with NC & Obsessing).

This morning for the first time in a week, I woke up, thinking "Gosh, why hasn't he contacted me at all??? So unlike him... I know he's got supply, but the more the better right???" I brushed my teeth & showered... still thinking this. So...

I decided to pull out my Journal & started writing about how well I slept, the weather is nice, the sun is out. Bullshit. Lets get to the point. I started writing about how he hasn't contacted me at all- damn- slap in the face. As soon as I saw it on paper, I immediately wrote in my "Gratitude" part of my journal how Thankful I am that I hadn't been contacted. I expressed my sympathy for his friends, family, and whoever it is giving him current supply.

There is no easy way to stop those negative thoughts and obsessions. But I can tell you this, with everything I know about NPD and this particular narc. Nothing makes me want to know about him or his life. I have people I can ask- what was once a struggle to not ask- is now the easiest thing I can do. I can have a whole conversation with his friends & not ask or have mentioned anything about him or his whereabouts.

He is not my problem. His friends aren't my problem. His disorder is not my problem. His troubles are not my problem. What he does is not my business. Who is does is not my business. There is a GOD and that is GOD's problem- not mine.

#2 Nov 15 - 2PM

Gravity

Kiwi

Definitely on the same page! Although I am so so so incredibly thankful he is no longer in my life.. it's hard sometimes when I think about how he hasn't contacted me. I remember he has new supply.. or went back to old supply.. or what have you.. but sometimes it's still very hard. I know what he is, and I know what he is not.. and more so, I know what I am and what I am not (and thats an N like him!) I feel like shit.. but not NEARLY as shitty as I did when he was in my life. I feel crappy.. but see things more clearly. I'm not high off him in the way I used to be.. thats the only way I can describe it. It's like when I was in contact with him I was on drugs.. unable to see the world the way that a healthy person can. It's like i'm no longer on the drug.. and i'm experiencing withdrawals.. but knowing that they will pass and it will be for the better. And so true, what he does is not my problem. He never had a conscience, so therefore what he's doing now he's always done.. the only difference is that he found someone that gave him better supply than me currently. They are sad, pathetic souls, and their disorder is NOT our problem. Much love! xoxoxo

#3 Nov 15 - 11AM

emtg

Kiwi2005

Don't be so hard on yourself. You will stop obsessing! Time and processing the information in the way that you need to, coming to this site, reading, trying to rejoin the life you once loved at your pace are they only ways I know! you're doing great.

#4 Nov 15 - 12PM (Reply to #16)

Kiwi2005

emtg

Ohh dear, I'm not obsessing anymore... a friend of mine was asking if there's a way to stop, and it triggered me to write this. I've actually been in a good spot, but a few months ago, I would have beaten myself up into a coma- it was horrible! It's shocking to see that I've come this far. Thank you!!! It's always nice to hear "you're doing great"

#5 Nov 15 - 11AM

Layla

There is a way but hardly anyone wants to talk about it.

We need to stop focusing on them and keep the focus on US. Most want to go on and on about the N, or how "great" the sex was, or the OW or whatever. People floating on the river of denial. You'll NEVER get over these clowns if these are the things we focus on. Just stating fact. love~ Layla

#6 Nov 15 - 1PM (Reply to #14)

Winter

Lyala, you are so right!

To keep the focus on US is crucial. At first it is not easy, it takes determination and practice. Then, slowly, you realize that the obsession has gone and the thoughts vanish by themselves. I used this tactic: when I use to notice I am obsessig, I was trying to understand what exactly am I thinking about and why? What does it mean for me to think about that particular thing? What does it represent to me? What needs? How can I fulfill these needs without him, without thinking about him. Guys, it really works!

#7 Nov 15 - 12PM (Reply to #13)

Hermes

Agreed, Layla

Yes. And it is called "Malignant Nostalgia" It is vital to focus on oneself, and not on the N-abuser and his/her nefarious ways. Is there anything more dreary or dismal than an N, after all! And it takes a conscious effort, that I know. Rather like a haunting, to make a comparison, you need to take measures to chase of the N-ghost. Get out and about, take walks, meet up with other people, join a choir, give yourself a little treat every day, in fact. Try to place beauty where hte N-ugliness reigned before. Sell, donate or throw out stuff you have that is a reminder of the abuser. Clear up your space. Just doing this is therapeutic. Try to find a peaceful moment in the day, maybe in the evening. Get yourself a nice candle (good quality white), light it, and sit for a while just quietly. Best to all Hermes

#8 Nov 15 - 11AM (Reply to #6)

greengirl91

Layla, what did you mean by

Layla, what did you mean by "hardly anyone wants to talk about it" ? Just curious.

#9 Nov 15 - 11AM (Reply to #7)

Layla

?????

I am referring to the percentage of posts regarding Personal reflection and growth as opposed to "sex with the N, OW, I can't stop thinking about the N, OMG the N called again".....etc......Why do you ask? Do you strongly disagree with me? I could be wrong you know! : )) love~ Layla

#10 Nov 15 - 12PM (Reply to #9)

greengirl91

No, nothing like that, I just

No, nothing like that, I just didn`t know what you meant that`s all :) I know when we are in the depths, something in ourselfs has to wake up, face reality, and make a choice, whether we want to live like that all of our lives, between two realities, or gather all our strength and dare to make a new start. I was asking because I`m in sort of phase right now, where I`m kind of tired of keep trying, and somehow still wish for a "rescue"..but I know it won`t come, and I`ll have to find the power within to get up and go again. Or maybe my brain and my heart catch up, who knows :)) Mstly my heart, she got me in all that mess in the first place, lol.

#11 Nov 15 - 12PM (Reply to #10)

Layla

You are so right greengirl.....

.......and all of us has to reach our own "enough is enough" moment too, and this varies between all of us. And I agree, the heart is deceitful. This is also written in the bible. love~ Layla

#12 Nov 15 - 12PM (Reply to #11)

greengirl91

Yep, you know what it would

Yep, you know what it would be cool? Coming back to Kiwi`s post and subject to stop obsessing, we should make a journal/book each of us let`s say, entitled "All About Us", haha. And to write, each day, or when we have the tendency/urge to obsess about the toxic people/ our addictions, what we have done each day, for ourselfs. From the small things, to big things. For example, yesterday I took a warm bath, or I went to school, or I started jogging or reading something new, took a new hobby. Fill the void you know, with ourselfs! I`m sure it has been said many times arleady, but in my case, I find it harder to put things into practice, because I`m either afraid, tired and then I go back to obsessing cycle and addiction. So, this way, keeping a book of what we do for ourselfs, we`ll make us focus on US and not them. Just an idea, though I`m sure it has been suggested many times arleady.

#13 Nov 15 - 1PM (Reply to #12)

Kiwi2005

GreenGirl

Thats pretty much what my journal is. I talk about MY mood, MY weather, what I did, it's all about ME, until today when I had to write that little thing about him, but it made me jump right back into ME and what I'M thankful for. I love how you say fill the voice with ourselves... thats exactly what I've been doing for the past week. What I once thought I'd never get through, I'm getting through, all too easy- scares me at times- makes me wonder if I shouldn't at least think about him or his well being. But I don't- because it's none of my business or my problem. Most of my posts the past week talk about me, and gives an example about him! In the past I've tend to withdraw from the site because I couldn't handle reading about their craziness & talking about him. But now I choose to stay and read and educate myself & talk less about him!!

#14 Nov 15 - 12PM (Reply to #8)

Kiwi2005

I agree, there's not enough

I agree, there's not enough posts on getting past & getting through. Although I'm in a good spot, I've been trying to share that there is hope & it will get better!!! Hope people that aren't quite there are reading! XOXOX

#15 Nov 15 - 11AM (Reply to #5)

Used

layla

YOU ARE SO RIGHT.... Nothing was any good with them, they made it *GOOD*in the beginng of the HONEYMOON PERIOD....After that, we made it *GOOD* IN OUR HEADS... We choose to continue making IT GOOD and them SPECIAL.....it was all an illusions... The only thing GREAT about the whole senario ... WAS US AND IS STILL US...WE WERE GREAT ,THEY NEVER WERE....XXX

#16 Nov 15 - 11AM (Reply to #4)

Kiwi2005

Layla

Exactly!!! Ohh the sex WAS great... haha... Keyword: WAS!!! Soo true! I'm sometimes surprised by how incredibly easy it can be to NOT focus on them. XOXOXO

#17 Nov 15 - 10AM

ReclaimingPower

I haven't quite figured it out...

..but I'm going to. I think they connect to us subconsciously at night. There is a mental cord that attaches which is why we wake up with them on our minds. And they feed off of us, which is why they don't have the need to contact us -- they are getting what they need. We have to visualize the chord being severed, green light being rubbed in to the area where it was disconnected, the other part being sent up to the sun or returned to them and being surrounded/protected by white light and even by Archangel Michael. But then repeating that day and night. When our thoughts return to them, it rebuilds the chord, so you have to repeat, repeat, repeat. The part I have to figure out is how do you make that shield permanent enough to keep them away so we don't have to keep doing that. I have to keep reading and learning. This is a whole realm I never knew nor did I want to know existed.

#18 Nov 15 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

Kiwi2005

ReclaimingPower

Love your first paragraph... I wouldn't be surprised! Yes, keep reading and keep learning. It seems like thats the best self-help. It's amazing how much we see them through paper & reading... because they're all the same. Same textbook disorderly shells :)

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