Backsliding

I saw my doctor yesterday for my annual check up (only 20 lbs heavier than I was the day I graduated from HS and 4 kids later). I mentioned to her that I've been having a series of backsliding behaviors that I haven't seen since the summer: feeling sad/crying, avoiding people, eating carbs/junk/comfort food, irritable, not being able to fall asleep or not being able to stay asleep, no real appetite, waking up as tired or more tired than when I went to sleep and not taking as good a care of myself as I had been. I also have been refusing to "do the work" to recover like I had been doing with a passion. I attributed it partially to the holidays but also gave her a brief overview of my year. She prescribed an antidepressant for the next 6 months or so.

I have to say I agree with her diagnosis. In the last 2 months I have really struggled to keep moving forward and in the past month have really lost the small bit of enthusiasm I'd drummed up for my "new life". It's like I've used up the last of my reserves and now I'm just empty.

My older kids left this morning with exN#1 and I won't see them until the 27th. I have my baby girl until Friday and then I won't see her again until the 27th for lunch. I've decided against going anywhere for Christmas and will instead be home, watching movies and doing a few things around the house. I'm planning a big trip for New Years with the 4 kids and myself to a hotel with an indoor water park. They don't know yet and I can't wait to see their faces when they find out.

I'm trying but it doesn't feel like much at almost 9 months out.