Healingslowly_but getting there's story
Healingslowly_but getting there's story
Well, here it is, I've been running this over in my head all day.
I met my ex N about 4 1/2 years ago. I had been married to a guy for 9 years and he had treated me terribly. I had been on my own with my three great children for about 2 years and was ready to meet someone. I had just bought my own house and car and started a new job and life was good again. I was out with my best friend to celebrate someone's hen night and this guy was sat nearby, next to our other friend's boyfriend. We sat and talked and then had a great evening out all together. He took my number and as I walked away, he text me that I looked amazing. I loved it - it was the first time I had felt special in such a long time. We talked the following day and the next day and the next and then he took me out for dinner. He was so charming, so perfect....he didn't even kiss me which I thought was great. The following week I went to a wedding and he came to the evening do - my friends were thrilled for me as I had been single for a while and he seemed just lovely. That night as he walked me home, he told me he loved me (now I see this as crazy but at the time I just thought I had found my soulmate). I was travelling to Africa with work a couple of weeks later for a week or so and I worked for a travel agency so was going on one of our trips - he surprised me by booking to coming along too!!! I was kind of looking forward to some alone time but then saw this as fantastic because it must mean that he really loves me. We had a good time but I always felt a little bit that he wanted me by his side the whole time. He got a bit mad when I talked to other people for longer than he thought was necessary but I just saw all this as him loving me.Then he took me to an amazing beauty spot and proposed!! 4 weeks to the day I met him. This sounds crazy now!!!! We came home and he moved in, I actually don't remember him asking.....it just happened - I don't think we even discussed it. He had three kids too and I welcomed them with open arms. Loved them so much. His ex used to text all the time and he told me she was a psycho who hated his children, I know this isn't true now. Everything seemed ok for about a year and then his Dad went to prison for fraud (this guy seemed normal and I knew nothing about any of it until the day he went inside) - my ex said he had been lied to as well and I believed him. I supported him when he was down about it all and yet he never seemed to open up properly and would just harden up and walk away and not say much. He said that we should move to where he worked , about an hour away from my home and so I agreed and put the house on the market. It sold just before we married about 2 years ago and I uprooted the children and went into rented accomodation because he said that then we could really choose the house we wanted in time. We married, it was a lovely day - he spoilt me rotten and everyone said how wonderful he was....I thought so too. About 10 months into the marriage, I was struggling to pay my share (this sounds crazy too but we never shared the bills properly, he paid the rent and I paid for and was responsible everything else on my part time wage). I asked him to bring his bank statements home ( he used to get them sent to work!!!) so that we could sit together and sort out the finances. He suddenly went crazy, shouting at me that his wages were nothing to do with me and that he shredded all his statements - he just changed, laughing at me, not looking at me and then he just went upstairs and got into my son's bed ( the kids were away thank heavens) and turned to the wall and wouldn't talk to me at all. I just stood there, amazed....tried to talk to him and explain that I was his wife and we should discuss everything...but he wouldn't , he just kept getting mad. This went on for 4 weeks and then he took me to his accountants, this is actually where I work cos he got me the job when we moved. My boss sat there and they talked about the business my ex has and then my boss said " you have to tell her about your debt" Turns out he was 40 grand in debt and cutting it shorter now, he lied about why, he lied about how much and he threw it all back at me about the trips we had taken, the wedding, the gifts he had bought me and told me that I should be f'ing grateful.Turns out he had been in massive debt from before we had even met. That's the reason for the rented house...there is no way he could ever get a mortgage. Whenever I would ask questions, he would scream at me, call me really awful names, get very very drunk and then say he couldn't remember anything that he had said to me, ignore me, really pick me up on everything, tell me I didn't look good enough, question what I was wearing, tell me I was pathetic (he used to say this all the time). I once said to him that if I had known about what he really was then I would never have married him... he said that if he had known how much I was going to cry over the death of my father then he wouldn't have married me either - he said some horrible things to me. He was ok sometimes but then I knew that it wouldn't last - I was always aware that he could change at any minute. He left me last Summer and went on holiday. I took my mum and my children to Cyprus and tried to just relax and sort my head out. The truth is that I thought about him every minute! When we got home, he came round and told me I looked great and that he was determined to make it right.... I believed him. It only took him 4 days to turn back into the monster and it was actually worse than ever. It October I saw an old friend and talked to her about all this. She is a lot older than me and I trust her. She told me that I had to get out as soon as possible - she had been in a marriage like mine for 28 years. I came home that night and sat him down and told him that I couldn't take anymore. I left him sat in the garden , came in , saw to the kids and then realised that he had gone already.I felt nothing. The texts started that night and I ignored him at first - the following day was the same and I just text back that he should get his things. I know this sounds crazy but all that week seems like a blur now - I can't really remember it. The following weekend he got his things. I had some sort of breakdown the following week- my mum had to come and stay and the doctor signed me off work - I couldn't even see straight. It was awful and I never want to feel like that again. I didn't understand it all as I needed him to go but then felt like I missed him so much. Just awful. I found a counsellor as I was so determined to figure this out. After four weeks of seeing her she eventually explained to me what has been going on with me for the past 4 1/2 years. All the self blame has gone and I understand it now. Reading this back is weird and doesn't sound enough- there are so so so many examples I could write down to explain what he has done to me but I guess you all know them already. I am 1 month now into Nc after making a terrible mistake and ending up back at his flat. My friends came the following day and 'rescued' me from there. I haven't seen him since and was doing ok until he text me at the weekend. The girls on here have explained the text to me and I see it all for what it is again now. He tells lies now to anyone who will listen and blames me completely. I am dealing with the backlash of that this week and I'm trying to ignore it all cos I know the truth. I am getting stronger each day, still seeing the counsellor, have lost 2 stone in the last 10 weeks and look a bit haggard but that'll sort itself out. I can't believe that I have written all this out - it feels good. Thank you so much for all your support and I know that now I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. No more contact - not even a little bit. His loss. HUGS
Hi
Thanks
Healingslowly_but getting there
UGH.. Sorry ... Welcome to
Healingslowly, I am so so sorry
spinning