Having a rough night

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#1 Feb 4 - 9PM

Steph

Having a rough night

I'm having a meltdown tonight. When is this going to end??
I can't stop thinking about all the good times. We used to laugh and laugh together. It's stupid I know. I just can't seem to let it go. I miss him. I think over and over where did this go wrong and why?? What if he isn't disordered and I brought this on and I will never be able to be happy with another? I was feeling strong and hopeful and now I'm doubting everything again. I feel so weak and pathetic. It feels like there is a big hole in my chest. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I wish this would end. I wish I never met him.

#2 Feb 6 - 5PM

AnotherPath

stayingstrong78

I'm two years out and I must have had those feelings of "those good times" because I was in a complete mess for at least 12 months and bad for at least another 6 months. Still have not so good times now but NOT because I think of the good times we had. It's because of the utterly bad times I realise I had. Honestly, I just can't recall good times now, when I think about him and our 8 year abusive relationship all that comes up is how awful I now know I felt, how I lost myself and how I became a nothing person seeing the world through his vision. Completely taken over YUK. I now truly feel my life is starting to resemble how I want it to be. I don't have to suffer him anymore (apart from a far and courts) I'm getting my life back and I love that that's what's available for me now, you will too.

Ending the dance

#3 Feb 5 - 6AM

4joys4

You are not alone. Read

You are not alone. Read around the board and you will realize that we all felt this way. I think, just as narcs are pretty predictable, what they do to us and how we respond has its commonalities. All the feelings you are having are normal. It's grief, sweety. This muck of feelings is like a swamp we have to navigate out of. But you will. It's painful so that we will always remember the pain these guys cause and we won't repeat it again. If this were not so, we would be on a merry-go-round, repeating this relationship over and over again. So, take the hands of those who know the way out of the swamp. Trust those here who may be farther along.

#4 Feb 5 - 10AM (Reply to #30)

Steph

And a muck of feelings it

And a muck of feelings it is! thanks for your reply:) everyone here is so supportive and i am so grateful. i will trust that i will get out of this swamp.

#5 Feb 5 - 4AM

GettingOut

stayingstrong78

Stop thinking that it is you that's the problem. It isn't. I know it's hard to grasp and I still get the thoughts too. Because, hey, I'm on meds and sitting in therapy. I've had dramatic sobfests. I often isolate because I feel so crappy. I have few friends. He isn't on any meds, not in therapy, walks around happy, his phone rings frequently and he parties with the new victim. If I compare myself to him, perhaps I do look like the sick one with all I am going through. BUT, the key is not to compare to them, they are narcissists. Not like a normal human being. Look at what he's done and is doing. I'm sure you'll find his actions rather bizarre. Getting better has been a very difficult process and I'm still in it. I had meltdowns in my therapists office that were so full of anguish and despair that I couldn't even talk sometimes. It's rough. You're not weak, nor pathetic. You're going through what you need to go through to get better. I started therapy a year ago, moved out of the bedroom into the guest room a year ago, filed for divorce 9 months ago. The meltdowns have stopped. I still get very sad but I'm climbing out of the hole. I can't recall if you are in therapy. It has helped me alot.

#6 Feb 5 - 10AM (Reply to #25)

Steph

"If I compare myself to him,

"If I compare myself to him, perhaps I do look like the sick one with all I am going through. BUT, the key is not to compare to them, they are narcissists. Not like a normal human being." thanks for saying that. i have been thinking that about myself......i am crying, in therapy, can't move on....so maybe i am the unhealthy one. thanks for reminding me that that is because he is not like a normal human being. i need to stop comparing myself. i am happy to hear that you are climbing out of the hole and getting better:)

#7 Feb 5 - 6PM (Reply to #28)

girlfriday

infected

Sadly, we DO become sick-temporarily. It's like a vampire who bites his victim and makes her like him in the process (after the hypnotism, of course) We become infected with what they have. We feel crazy. We don't know fact from fiction anymore. They lie to us, and we lie to ourselves. And for a while, we are left as shells of our former selves. Like them...shells. But it gets better.

#8 Feb 5 - 10AM (Reply to #26)

rache

We

have a heart,empathy,feelings that run deep because we have all that! THEY do not have any of that.They're evil.SIN sick is what they are=SIN SICKNESS.The bible doesnt mention a narcissist by the name of narcissist,but,read what it says about the PERILESS man!

#9 Feb 5 - 10AM (Reply to #27)

rache

periless times,periless men

PERILOUS TIMES AND PERILOUS MEN BUT KNOW THIS, THAT IN THE LAST DAYS PERILOUS TIMES WILL COME: FOR MEN WILL BE LOVERS OF THEMSELVES, LOVERS OF MONEY, BOASTERS, PROUD, BLASPHEMERS, DISOBEDIENT TO PARENTS, UNTHANKFUL, UNHOLY, UNLOVING, UNFORGIVING, SLANDERS, WITHOUT SELF CONTROL, BRUTAL, DISPISERS OF GOOD, TRAITORS, HEADSTRONG, HAUGHTY, LOVERS OF PLEASURE RATHER THAN LOVERS OF GOD, HAVIng A FORM OF GODLINESS BUT DENYING ITS POWER. AND FROM SUCH PEOPLE TURN AWAY! FOR OF THIS SORT ARE THOSE WHO CREEP INTO HOUSEHOLDS AND MAKE CAPTIVES OF GULLIBLE WOMEN LOADED DOWN WITH SIN, LEAD AWAY BY VARIOUS LUSTS, ALWAYS LEARNING AND NEVER ABLE TO COME TO THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE TRUTH: MEN OF CORRUPT MINDS, DISAPPROVED CONCERNING THE FAITH; BUT THEY WILL PROGRESS NO FURTHER, FOR THEIR FOLLY WILL BE MANIFEST TO ALL, AS THEIRS ALSO WAS. TIMOTHY CHPT 3; 3-9

#10 Feb 5 - 12AM

Steph

Thanks all for your

Thanks all for your encouraging words. It's so helpful to be understood. It's so difficult to try and explain the feelings i have to others that haven't been through this sort of relationship. To them it's simple: he was bad so feel lucky and move on. I have been told by 2 mental health professionals (without me asking) that the guy i was with is most likely a narcissist and probably sociopathic. I hear the words, I read about it and it fits.....but then I remember good things that seemed sooo genuine and then I talk myself into thinking he is a good guy and I'm the problem. From what I understand, that's a normal thought process after a relationship with a pathological...the self blame and so on. I'm repeating this cycle over and over in my head. he used me as a scapegoat the before when he broke up with me ( blamed me for the relationship not working but really he had someone else ) and I have good reason to think that's what he did again this time....although i couldn't prove it and call him on it. and really, who cares at this point i guess. i just hate feeling taken advantage of. You give your heart and friendship and all that good stuff to someone and they take it and shit on you in return. I want closure with this soooo bad. I want to learn as much as i possibly can because i NEVER want to be in this situation again. I will never contact him again, but I want him out of my head and heart. I want to be able to think clearly and see things as everyone else is seeing them for me. I want to be back to myself. I can barely make it through shifts at work, i force myself out of the house at times....but i don't even want to go out because i don't want to take the chance of running in to him, or see him with someone else. I used to laugh lots and enjoy my friends and job etc. I miss my life! I see my doctor tommorrow and will start antidepressants for PTSD and reaaaaaaally hope that helps. Anyways, thanks for letting me vent here and for your support. I see so many strong women here that have been through worse and they come out of it. It's encouraging. thanks again:)

#11 Feb 5 - 1PM (Reply to #23)

Kelly

Thank you!

I could have written that exact post. Exactly how I feel and I'm so glad to know that I'm validated in how I'm feeling because we've all been there. It's true. Women who have not been emotionally raped just don't understand it. It's not a "normal" breakup.

#12 Feb 5 - 1AM (Reply to #22)

girlfriday

rough night

I'm sorry about your rough night. You have been emotionally raped, so it's normal to feel like the walking dead for a while. But one day, all of a sudden, you'll think to yourself "Wow! I haven't thought about him for 5 minutes!" And then the gaps will get larger. And one day you'll realize that you didn't cry that day. It will happen. But everyone's healing time is different. Today was my first day in over 2 months that I didn't cry. And yesterday was the first day that the obsessing stopped. It's not stupid for you to miss the laughing and good times. And they seemed very real because these anti-social Ns are the most amazing actors. Scary talented. Do not doubt that he is the sick one and know that you are not mistaken. I made that mistake once, but corrected myself. I was sitting there breaking up with him with 60 pieces of evidence in my head that he had been lying and cheating. Then all of a sudden I started crying to him, "But what if I'm wrong??? I'd be making a huge mistake because I think you're so amazing!" He assured me that we've all done things we're not proud of(meaning my being paranoid and accusing him)and that I'll feel better if I talk to my therapist about it! But my first instinct was correct. He is a liar, cheater, manipulator, and sick. Take care of yourself.

#13 Feb 5 - 12AM (Reply to #20)

no more

trust me

You will be yourself again. unfortunately we have all had to go thru this to get there again. You will be yourself again and you will wonder why the heck you gave them so much of your energy. THEY ARE NOT WORTH YOUR TIME OR ENERGY. They are sick puppies and they don't deserve to be with you. You are way better than that. Please go easy on yourself. BIG HUGS

I just got involved with the same N for the second time.
What was I thinking? Because I have put myself back to the same point where I am blaming myself again. And for what?
I want to get rid of these feelings again.

#14 Feb 5 - 12AM (Reply to #21)

Steph

i will trust then that i

i will trust then that i will get there. i can hardly wait for the day to come where i wake up in the morning and say to myself I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE LOSER ANYMORE! thanks for the hugs and support:)

#15 Feb 4 - 11PM

Kelly

It's all up and down isn't it?

I still miss the romance and the good times with my last exN/Psycho, but to be honest, for every narc or abuser I've been with, they have all tried to get me back eventually, and when they did, I was already turned off and didn't want them anymore. I had seen their dark side and after distancing myself with time and NC, it didn't make sense for me to go back and the attraction was no longer there. Even though I have like no doubt that my last guy was either NPD or maybe even psychopath, I'm still missing him, which is why I'm here writing and reading your blogs. I need to be reminded CONSTANTLY that he was sick and I was played and that I'm not alone. These predators are out there, everywhere, and they will keep playing. Someone told me something that helps me. That it's ok to still love your ex. That you can always love someone, but the person does not have to continue being in your life. Especially if that person can only do harm back. Thinking this way makes me feel at least like it gives me my control back. In one of the articles I read through this site, don't remember where, it said you can respect the lion for what it is from afar. It is what it is and it's not going to change. If you get too close it will rip your head off (something, like that.) It's crazy! It was only six weeks with my last exN, but it did have a profound effect on me and I really did start falling in love - - maybe it was just romantic love, but it was real for me and F@$#% it if it wasn't real for him. He doesn't get to have that power.

#16 Feb 4 - 11PM

angelgal

Aww, StayingStrong, you're not alone...

You're not alone, sweet girl! I feel your pain, I really really do. Everyday is a struggle for me. Like you, I feel so weak and pathetic, its killing me inside. I want this nightmare to go away! I want ME back! I say all the time, "If only I never met him", "Oh, how I wish I never met him and my life would be ok"! Unfortunately, we can't turn back the hands of time. Fireguy lives only a short distance from me and his long distance gf moved in with him a month ago, I'm constantly feeling horrible about everything. I'm constantly picturing all the things they are doing together and how happy they are and how I was just someone to use, I wasn't good enough to be his gf, but good enough to be his whore! Its so so hard for me! I cry all the time, and feel physically sick. I feel shaky and like a walking zombie half the time! We gotta believe that with time we will get our lives back and these heartless Narcs will get their KARMA for what they have done to us!!!! Lot's of hugs to you, sweetie! Please know you are not alone.

#17 Feb 4 - 11PM (Reply to #16)

no more

Angelgal and staying strong

I feel so much your pain and suffering. When my exH left me for an OW I was a walking zombie for 10 years. The only thing that kept me going was my baby boy. I knew I had to be strong for him,,,,,,,,He is now all grown up and 27. The best thing that ever happened to me. I cried everyday,I didn't sleep at all for probly 4 of those years. I lost 50 lbs and couldn't eat. I was just a bundle of nerves. Believe that we all know what you are going thru and also know that it does get better. I look back now and realize I am better off without him and him leavign me was probly the best thing that ever happened to me. It does get better. And keep in mind that someday soon she will be where you are now. Please take care of yourselves.

#18 Feb 4 - 11PM (Reply to #17)

angelgal

Thanks for your encouragement, SD0355

I cannot tell you how much your words mean to me! Sharing your story really touched me so much! My heart broke when you mentioned your baby boy and how he kept you going while you were faced with your ex leaving you for the OW! I dream of the day that I can get my life back, that I can stop feeling all this pain. My body literally aches at times all over...I've never felt so bad in my life! I just keep dreaming that he will marry her and have a good life and never pay for what he has done! That things will be good for him, while my life is crumbling down. I'm going to hold on to everything you said, sd0355, and pray that things get better for me, for Stayingstrong78 and everyone on this board! Thanks for your encouragement! Lot's of hugs!

#19 Feb 4 - 10PM

aceonelady

staying strong...the same here...

Well i am having a lot of stomach aches,been crying a lot and missing him and dreaming about him with men,women..i am sick of my stomach thinkink about what he told me:he is been skipping with some people here and there and said he is also on cyber sex chatrooms...and stupid me i went to google him and saw him on a list with only teenagers bisexuals,he is 42 i am sick thinking about whats goung on! My ex husband brought me some groceries because i am not even able to go out without crying!If wasnt for him,i really dont know what had become of me lately!but i will get totally NC again...

Aceonelady

#20 Feb 4 - 10PM (Reply to #12)

rache

aceonelady

((hugs))to you as well.looks like today is tough on all of us for some reason.my second day of NC...and,he hasn't even tried to contact,but,i have known for a long time of his many infidelities.

#21 Feb 4 - 10PM (Reply to #13)

aceonelady

From Aceonelady to Rache ...and all of us

Thanks for your support and sharing i really do beieve they are criminals and there is somethinng as Karma what comes around comes around...They are digging their own grave,mostly they will end dead from a disease or in jail! Hughs

Aceonelady

#22 Feb 4 - 10PM (Reply to #14)

rache

Probably from an STD for younger ones,and

heart failure for the old farts trying to be young!

#23 Feb 4 - 9PM

rache

Ouh,staying strong78

Honey,we ALL go through this(hugs).You just have to look at the evidence-much like a prosecutor.Pretend you are making a case.You have ALL the evidence against him,right?Well,is the evidence damning(meaning,does it fit the criteria for Narcissistic personality disorder/and or,sociopathy?)-if so,there is not a darn thing you could do to save this relationship,unless,you would/could patch it up to last until something better-(in his,opinion comes along),as,they always CHEAT,lie,abuse.Now,if,you do not want to pretend to be a prosecutor(my fav)-try defense attorney.Can you make a convincing case in his defence of maybe not being a N?If not,then,i think it speaks pretty much for itself=if it walks like a N and talks like an N then its got to be an N.Do i,or,we miss that guy we all thought we had-yes! Do we love the guy we thought we had?YES! but,trouble is,he aint nowhere to be found except in what WE made him out to be.A dream,that,tragically,turned in to our worst nightmare.I'm so sorry you are having a hard time.Today is hard for me too.i miss my dream of traveling with him,doing what we talked about,but,it was all just talk.

#24 Feb 4 - 11PM (Reply to #2)

The Girlfriend ...

Hugs

I am sorry you are having a rough night. It seems simple to just say that this too will pass and that time will soften the hurt and confusion you are feeling right now. Most of us here have been through these same rough nights and understand what you are going through. I know I have at least a few more difficult days & nights in the future as I process my own relationship with my EXbf Narc/sociopath. We are here for you too. One of the ways I found that helps is to do everything that makes YOU feel better...like a nice hot bubblebath, or a cup of tea...etc. Even if you don't want to, taking care of YOU is essential as you work everything out in the aftermath of a relationship with a pathological. Here's a big hug and hope that you get some sleep tonight and wake up feeling just a bit better each day you remain NC. It DOES get better. It will. And someday you will have your self esteem and happiness back.

#25 Feb 5 - 6PM (Reply to #6)

no more

the N showed up today

He showed up to return some of my things i had left at his place and I also wanted him to remove his stuff from my house. basically just generic talk for a while,he helped me with my comp etc. I have been NC since Dec 14 2009 and doing OK. Now I am just sobbing and the worst thing of it all is I started crying in front of him. I am HATING myself right now for that. He told me he made a big mistake going back with his exGF,,,,,,,,he realizes now that he doesn't feel the same for her anymore. I asked him if he told her that and of course he said no. He probly just wanted to test the waters on how I feel first of course because he would need some backup NS.He wouldn't want to be left with noone. He NEEDS his sex supply. If you remember from my story he had called me on the very day last July that they brokeup. He has been thinking of me a lot and feels we have unfinished business and that neither one of has any closure. He said that when she showed up at that time that she was going out with someone else but then agreed to have sex with him and since I wasn't then he figured he could keep seeing me as a friend and have sex with her and that it would be the best of both worlds for all of us. But now since i won't see him anymore he thinks that was a big mistake.......do ya think. He also said that since the day she showed up she just keeps coming back and that she said she was seeing someone else to just get a reaction from him. And I would imagine he hasn't told her that he doesn't want her to just keep showing up all the time. YOU can DAMN well be assured it is a mutual thing. I think they are both Ns or at least pathological. When I was the one to break it off last DEC I told him it was the best for everyone because I felt that since he had promised her an exclusive relationship that that is what she deserved and that he should putting all his apples in just one basket. I ended it to give her security. I too know that I couldn't be with an N. I felt I bowed out gracefully and I asked him if he told her that. He said he did and then I asked him what her response was and he said he wasn't looking for one????? If I ever did feel sorry for her, I sure as H@@L don't now, she can have him. I feel she is an N too and she did this to get back at me for some unknown reason,,,,,,,because she sure as H@@L doesn't know me. I feel so betrayed by her as well because she knew we were trying to make a go of it and at the time he was with me. She had no right to butt in and he also had no right to agree to it. I told him he betrayed me too. He asked if he could come again next Friday and being the sop that I am I did say no but only becaues I said I still don't want her to feel I am interfering. He said he doesn't give a S##T what she thinks that she will just have to be OK with it. So girls now you see they will NEVER be happy with anyone. We never need to sit and wonder about that ever again because it ain't goona happen. I realize that it sounds that I was pretty civil with him and I was because I didn't need to expeience the RAGE. When he left he said I could call him anytime and I did tell him that aint goona happen. NC is the only way to go. And now I am back at square one with that too. You know in my head I know all this stuff to be true and I can feel very strong if that is all I had to deal with, but now I have to get mt heart around it again. Sorry for the long chat but I needed to get it out. I can also promise you all that I WILL NOT be going back there. Just a lttle unexpected set back today and it too will pass. At least I have stopped sobbing.LOL

#26 Feb 6 - 10AM (Reply to #10)

rache

sd0355

i too had a setback,but,it was that setback that catapulted me into full steam ahead NC.And,you're right=they will never be happy,NEVER! And,we have the power through NC to make sure we're never sucked in by them ever again-to be sucked dry.

#27 Feb 6 - 1AM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

sd0355

back to square one with healing but you learned a valuable lesson on how just brief exposure to this creature affects you. NO MORE CONTACT. Have him leave your things with someone else. NO MORE. BTW - he's full of sh*t... just trying to keep his supply sources open; as you astutely pointed out. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#28 Feb 6 - 1AM (Reply to #9)

no more

there are no more things

Thanks for the reply. There will be no more contact,,,,,,,,,there are no more things to return. I didn't feel the need to have a piece of tupperware returned and if he wanted his computer [that doesn't work any way] back he knew how to go about getting it. Meaning he did not need to contact me for it. I am very much aware of what he is doing as I stated in my message.

#29 Feb 5 - 8PM (Reply to #7)

agnesmurphy17

Hoovering

There's trouble in paradise with new woman, that's why he needed to pick up stuff & return stuff. He's trying to reconnect with you. He'll be back.

#30 Feb 5 - 6PM (Reply to #3)

fairy wings

you were not happy

There is some brilliant stuff in the posts here, so I won't try to recreate that; I will tell you about what my sister said when i kept thinking maybe it was me after all. She said: 'Ok lets say it was you, it doesn't matter, you weren't happy; it wasn't working.' Then another friend said, 'If it helps you get over him, 'Think it was you.' What this did was put a block on my thinking about the good times because it didn't matter anymore; if it was me in relationships then I couldn't do it and I couldn't look back. If he said it was me, he would always say it was me, if I went back even if we had a few more laughs togther eventually he would have to blame me again (it's the nature of the beast), so actually telling myself, maybe it was me, actually helped my recovery. Of course with distance I could see clearly it never had been about me. Yes, I have learnt things about me and what I would and would not tolerate in any future relationships, however essentially he was a very abusive individual who did some very cruel things to me. Now when I have a nice memory I acknowledge the context, i.e. I get an image of a holiday, then remember I paid! I get an image of a day out on his motorbike and I remember he drove home like a maniac with me on the back. I remember the meals I cooked when his daughters came over, the company, the laughter, then I remember how none of them offered to wash up and I'd feel like the servant in the kitchen! I remember the wramth of his body, the sex and I hear him giving me instructions to turn round, never any intimacy really! If all else fails I let it go with, 'he loved me as much as he could given the person he was'. It just wasn't enough for me!

#31 Feb 5 - 8PM (Reply to #5)

agnesmurphy17

Was it me?

I think this pondering, "Is it me?" Well, if it is ME then I actually have some control here to change the situation. I can change myself & everything will be OK. Trauma means being-out-of-control. If I accept that it is not me, & that I will always be living in this trauma here, then I have to leave. But, leaving is really scary. The devil I know is better than the devil I do not know. And, nobody can be that crazy, it's got to be me. Nobody would believe me if I told them what's going on here. Well, I think . . . he is that bad . . . & you can't control the situation, change to makes things better . . . the only choice is to lose everything already invested, cut losses, & pick up the pieces--what's left at least. It's way hard. Slowly but surely one has to take control of one's own destiny. Because the jerk, he defined every moment of existence, even if by fear. I didn't make any decisions for myself. Nothing creative (except for how to dodge his bullets).

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