1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. The Path Forward Forum
  5. Ignoring the N...

Ignoring the N...

17 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Feb 17 - 7PM
nycsurvivor
nycsurvivor's picture

Ignoring the N...

I'm starting to understand, although it's very counterintuitive, that Ns do not have emotions, are inhuman, and therefore cannot feel hurt.

My N has not contacted me in a month, and I have not tried reaching out to him. In the past, when he's ended it/threatened to break up, I have always begged and pleaded for him to reconsider and work it out. This time I had finally had enough of this power dynamic.

Do you think he's noticed I have ignored him as well? I know it's impossobile for him to feel even a fraction of this pain. However, it would be comforting (not to mention some redemption) to know that my ignoring him has somewhat bothered him? Or gotten to him?

Feb 18 - 9AM
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

mine is going crazy...

My ExN and I have a lot of mutual friends, none are taking sides really, there is no need to on my part, as long as you dont bring him up, its all good. However, not everyone understands that he is a mental case, sooooo they end up telling me things here and there. He is running around all "depressed and sad" "he misses me so much" " he doesnt understand what he did wrong" Its almost laughable, he is playing the victim and I honestly (today) dont give a shit. He is pathetic and so is his game. I think they notice "no contact" and then it becomes the "no contact" game, who will cave first? ITS ALWAYS A GAME and they will always win there own game because they are cheaters...they have no emotion and thats cheating. So live your life be proud of your feelings, time will heal. Well, thats what Im hoping anyway!
Feb 18 - 9AM (Reply to #14)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

whatever

You are really seeing things for how they actually are, good for you!! Your thought process about him is really practical, with lots of indifference...this is a good place to be. What he doesn't understand is how you could cut off the King of the Universe?? And he's trying to gather up as much sympathy and attention from others. If you happen to hear stuff about him, don't react...chances are if info. gets to you, your reaction will get back to him.
Feb 18 - 9AM (Reply to #15)
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

Quietude!

Thanks girl, Im having a good day. Yesterday was another story, I started missing him. Your exactly right, he doesn't understand how I can function without him. A big part of me doesn't even care if he knows my reaction because at the end of the day, that still doesnt give him what he wants. He wants me to call and beg for him and tell him how much I miss him etc etc... AS IF. I miss things...YES. But I always picture going back now and staring at him in disbelief. Even if I wanted to, I dont think I could handle it. I would want to treat him like shit, and what kind of relationship would that be? FORGET IT. Yes I am lonely on occasion without him, but im also sane. So it balance's itself out.
Feb 18 - 10AM (Reply to #16)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

that's good

whatever, I agree...I found visualization to be a great exercise. I would picture myself calling him, or taking him back, what would be said, how he'd treat me. It never felt good, right, or resolvable...it felt 'dead end'!
Feb 17 - 11PM
Piscesdream
Piscesdream's picture

Even though he didn't

Even though he didn't directly contact me, he contacted my best friend a couple of days ago and that alone set me off bigtime. I wish I could ignore him and anything that has to do with him altogether. One of these days I will conquer this notion!
Feb 17 - 9PM
reneek
reneek's picture

who cares

what he thinks and feels --- hold on to your own power. I know easier said than done, but really let it go and don't worry if he feels it. I've been there and I've obsessed over what he was thinking and truly it will get you nowhere. Go out get a new hobby, write a journal, put that curious energy into something that is about you ... allow your mind and body to focus on you and you only and soon you will forget "what's his name!"

a woman learning to love again

Feb 17 - 7PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

nycsurvivor

He's aware, but the emotions they feel about us ignoring them are from totally not caring to raging angry, depending on their current supply needs. It's not about any other decent human emotion. I will have to be satisfied with the fact that I might have annoyed mine for ignoring e-mails for about 5 months before he 'gave up'. I put that in quotes because they can pop up at any time...case in point ~ mine attempted to contact me last week after 6 months of complete silence. Again, I ignored it, and just thought, how stupid. Granted, it took a lot of work to get to the point of 'mostly' indifference toward him. I know, it would be GREAT to have real closure with them, but it doesn't work that way. But getting away from them is a huge achievement, plenty for you to be proud of. Hang in there, it gets better.
Feb 17 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
no more
no more's picture

We wil NEVER have closure

from our N realtiionships. The best we can do for ourselves is to walk away and STAY away. Stay NC. I know it is hard sometimes because we do want some closure but know deep down they are not able to give it to us because they just DON"T care. They have no emotions so how can we expect any thing from them.

I just got involved with the same N for the second time.
What was I thinking? Because I have put myself back to the same point where I am blaming myself again. And for what?
I want to get rid of these feelings again.

Feb 17 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
neveragain
neveragain's picture

Mine Slammed Down the Phone

Two months before my daughter's wedding (which I had begged him to be there for) and hmmmm....didn't try to contact me until it was over. Then, when he DID...he sent me an email and he wanted an apology. An APOLOGY. I never even responded. The only communication he got from me was an email with the subject line: DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN I blocked his emails, phone calls and did a "Return to Sender" from anything he mailed. Was he shocked? I guess he was in a narc way....but I couldn't respond in any fashion because I educated myself about this disorder. "disorder" sounds so benign compared to the havoc they reak. I had to resign myself to the very real fact that I will never, ever get real closure. It's impossible because he's not human. He's a narc. neveragain
Feb 18 - 12AM (Reply to #10)
nycsurvivor
nycsurvivor's picture

The nerve of him...

to demand an apology from you after what he did? The gall of these Ns is astounding. And so true that "disorder" sounds very benign in comparison to the destruction they cause in our lives. And after all that, we can't get closure?!
Feb 17 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
reneek
reneek's picture

wow -- I can see mine doing the same thing

in the future since our daughter is 2 --- and blocking him out of my life would be so liberating. You are lucky enough that your daughter is old enough to do that ! I am sure it was exciting to finally take it to that level. You go girl and who the hell cares what he thinks ! Not one more thought should be wasted in his direction. You have your freedom back,

a woman learning to love again

Feb 18 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
neveragain
neveragain's picture

nycsurvivor and reneek

Thanks for your comments....just about the ONLY validation we'll ever get is the support we can find here. It's really important to keep focused on the truth. I love the tag line from Gloria Steinham that Barbara uses: "The truth will set you free but it first it will piss you off." !! Now that we know exactly what they are, we can begin to move forward and heal our hearts. neveragain
Feb 17 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

he could care less

sorry - he could care less... you yourself said you know he has no feelings - so of course it doesn't bother him at all people are OBJECTS to these people - they could CARE LESS!!!! ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 18 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

I agree with Barbara

I think when they want contact & are ignored, this enrages them because they are not in control. But, when they are in a no contact phase themselves . . . they do not think of us. Kernberg, the psychiatrist who defined malignant narcissism, says that N's only see the people whom they can use somehow . . . extract something necessary for their survival from. Everybody else are just shadowy figures floating around. The shadows are colorless & have no substantial being. Even the people with whom they are presently engaged & using . . . these people are likened to 'genies in a bottle.' When the N is away at work or doing his own thing, you & I are just the genie he has placed in the bottle for the next time he feels he wants the genie to appear & do something. While the genie is in the bottle, the N really does not think of her. When I read that . . . it was like BINGO! . . . that's exactly how my N treated me. Be there when I want you to be there . . . otherwise, leave me alone, I'm busy. We are there to serve them where & when they want.
Feb 18 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
Piscesdream
Piscesdream's picture

Makes great sense. I haven't

Makes great sense. I haven't heard from him since October....but I know he looks at my profile and as of last night I have learned that he contact my best friend. So I guess he's not thinking of me because he's not trying to contact me...but he's thinking of me because he's looking at my profile and also contacted my best friend? I don't know. The whole damn thing confuses me.
Feb 18 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

PiscesJNJ

you can NOT make sense of a pathological mind. stop trying to figure out a sick pervert ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims