Narcopath wasn't the first

Im realizing that Narcopath wasn't the first N in my life, but he will definitely be the last.

I got all choked up today having a discussion with a friend. We were talking about toxic relationships and how were so glad that were out of them. For her it was her psychopathic ex, for me it was probably the first psycho-N In my life that left me with the template of high tolerance for abuse.

My dad didn't ever have an 'official' diagnosis. We just assumed he had some kind of mood disorder as a result of a bad childhood. My mother never left him and I endured a childhood full of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. It was horrible to say the least. Through years of therapy and studying PD's I've come to terms that I was my fathers scape goat in many ways where he mocked, Used and abused, and manipulated me for his own entertainment. He was soo good at projecting that I actually believed that I was the bad egg in the family and that Im the crazy, horrible, person that caused chaos in the family.

But it was never me. And I know that now (and I am sobbing as I write this). I hated myself then, I wanted to commit suicide. I thought I was the cause for all of their (HIS) problems. Overtime I was away from him I sort of got better, And everyrtime I went back to have the person who was my father love me, and validate me, I got worse. I was, according to him "always in a mood". And so I ask now, who the f*ck is chipper and not In a mood growing up with a psychopath parent? because being scared of your father, having zero Self esteem, Walking on eggshells, And Just aching to Be Loved but instead being given ST is fun, Right? I was just a Helpless kid in an unfair predicament with a scared and brainwashed mother. No wonder I fell so willingly into the pattern of the N, iT was sick, Yet so familiar.

So today while making dinner these thoughts were going through my mind, Hubby (not a Narc) pats me on my behind flirtatiously. I turned around and kind of shortly said, "don't do that", his response was, "oh I see you're in a mood, ok". There was that familiar phrase again,"you're in a mood" my blood started to boil. H didn't mean anything sarcastic or Ironic by his response, It wasn't meant To Jab me like my dad used to do. He is a kind and considerate person, he doesn't have a warped personality. But yes it hit a nerve because of the recent conversation I had with my friend and all the memories that resurfaced growing up with a N dad, Who labeled me 'moody' and 'sensitive'. I ask, you, am I being sensitive?

After I escaped from my family nut house I had ZERO self esteem and basically thought 'everyone was out to get me'. That's what happens I guess when you get raised in a home with a dysfunctional, abusive, tyrant as opposed to a loving, safe haven.

Ok, well this was actually quite liberating writing this out, thank you for listening. I had a good cry, and now I'm going to go hug my kids.

Xoxox