So many things to say goodbye to...

Today I am taking back my life. Not only in the physical sense but in the emotional , mental and spiritual sense as well. Goodbye to the addictive behavior that comes along with being attached to you. Goodbye to the looks from across the room when I am bartending and you so rudely sit at my bar uninvited. Goodbye to allowing you to touch me even when I know better. Goodbye to the thoughts of you actually loving me. But mostly goodbye to the shame I feel inside for never feeling good enough to keep you. I will no longer put on songs that remind me of you while I workout, drive home from work or anytime. I will no longer engage with you when you hoover. I will no longer replay everything in my head and I promise myself that I will be ok not being able to make sense of it all or figure you out. I will no longer allow you or any other man to discard me, instead I will hold the truth of who I am. I will learn about myself and grow everyday. I know I will cry and feel sad and when I do I wont judge myself , I will simply give myself the grace to feel it. I will not use my most recent relapse with you to beat myself up or shame myself instead I will use it as a tool to know that there is so much more work to be done. I will do that work. I will no longer talk about you unless it is in a healthy way to process things. I will not bring up memories or stories of you. Instead I will begin to remember the things that fill my heart and I will talk with people about those things. The pain of loosing you will no longer be my identity. I remembered a time in my life when I shined, I will find that girl inside of me and I will love her. I will no longer use alcohol or sex with other men as validation that I am good enough or as a way to ease the anxiety of getting the rug pulled out from under me. Instead I will walk through the pain. And when I have pain about you I will sit with it and move forward. And one day, hopefully not far from now I will thank God for my experience with you. Cause you see Paul, I have always dated emotional unavailable men, you were just my rock bottom. One day I will be grateful for this wake up call that I need to value myself. Last night when I relapsed, you told me that "you knew me better than anyone else...even that you knew me better than myself".....However, that is so far from the truth because my "real self" would've never dated you....You only know the broken parts of me..because I was broken when I met you...I am saying goodbye not only to you Paul but to the terrible pain being addicted to you has caused... I refuse to stay broken...I will shine again...so goodbye goodbye goodbye.... we are so over we need a new word for over