Abuterfly's story

You remind me of myself years ago, married to a man who wasn't at all what I thought he was. Porn addicted, a pathological liar, totally self-absorbed, and selfish to the end he spent all our money on HIS hobbies and interests. I first thought of leaving him in about 1993. Guess what? I stayed until November of 2009 after 25 years of a pathetic excuse of a marriage. Now I'm divorced, kids are grown - and have serious emotional problems - and I wish to God I would have cut my losses years ago. He kept convincing me that I was crazy, imagining things, exaggerating, etc. I developed headaches, autoimmune disorders, became seriously depressed, and it took a Herulean effort to FINALLY LEAVE HIM. I gave him the best years of my life and ended up alone, with little money, in a rental house, lonely, and yes, I STILL CAN'T GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD. I tell you this because you are obviously still young and have time to start over and rebuild your life. I strongly recommend that you NOT stick it out and ruin your life like I did. Let me tell you, the porn thing never went away and it turned into gay porn over time. I know our kids found some of it, too. I caught him dozens and dozens of times. He didn't want ME; he wanted the thrill of his secret life with porn, really sick stuff, too. It won't get better, believe me. I got so I couldn't stand to be intimate with him because I was so disgusted by the stuff I had seen. I finally had to leave to try and save what's left of my life. I wish I had known what NPD WAS at that time and had people to encourage me to run away fast. Listen to those of us who have been there. When your husband straightens up for awhile, it's a control thing. Mine did it too. NPDs get stuck somewhere between childhood and adolescence. I kept waiting for my ex to man up and take care of his family. He couldn't, because it wasn't in his toolbox. He was stuck at about age 16. Good luck to you. Protect your heart and your children. I wish to God I had taken my children and run years ago, before he damaged them. Your posting just reminded so much of me, several years ago, feeling like maybe I was the crazy one. It took years to learn what this disorder is and why my family was so dysfunctional. You're learning it early on. Keep after it, abuterfly, and good luck to you. Oh, I finally found a good counselor who understands the disorder. It took awhile to find one who did, so make sure you have someone who really knows what you're dealing with.

He is terrified of moving out and having to pay bills and child support. That is the bottom line. Just watch the good behavior slack off in the next 6 months - year, if you think you must hang around for more of this crap from him (eventually). And the 'no cards/ no presents' thing along with the egg salad and pizza thing are all forms of abuse, I absolutely 100% guarantee it, he enjoyed pissing you off and making you miserable and not giving a damn about your wants, likes, needs, & preferences. He IS MOST DEFINITELY a Narcissist and possibly a Psychopath, I really feel sure of this, having lived it for 14 years myself with someone just like him who treated me shitty just like that. And I worked with another lady my age who had 3 kids with a similar type man who did the same thing to her for 22 years until he died suddenly with an unknown heart problem (he never would get life insurance no matter how she pleaded him too. More abuse. Now the family is really shit out of luck struggling financially when life insurance could have prevented that much). He is acting good right now, just to avoid paying child support. Next comes brainwashing the kids once they hit age 12 or so and the court determines they are legally able to pick which parent they want to live with, he will split on you, get a younger girlfriend, and braiwash the kids to move in with him and YOU WILL BE THE ONE PAYING CHILD SUPPORT TO HIM. Just a head's up, this is how they operate. Be ready. His niceness is all an act. He showed his true colors all those years he was an asshole. That's the real him, I promise you. No one can be that mean for that long, if it is not who they are at the very core of their being. All the best to you and your children.

Hi Abuterfly; I am new here too and it feel's like a God send. Regarding your N being on his best behavior...the chase is on. They seem to relish the chase and not the capture. Once a predator has caught their prey its nothing more than a meal to them. The only consistent thing about them is their ability to keep our life inconsistent. That's how we end up questioning our own minds. The very few times I ever got an apology from my N. (can count them on less than one hand) was always with his back turned to me while he was walking out of the room. Yet, I get a talkin' to if I don't respond to one of his stupid jokes send via e-mail. Expects an apology out of me. Pffff!

I think he is a sociopath,period.ALL sociopaths are NARCISSISTS.BUT,not all narcissists are sociopaths-my ex psychopath(some say sociopath and psychopath can be used interchangeably)did the LYING,CHEATING,ABUSE thing,and,they will NEVER,EVER,EVER change=they do not LOVE/nor can they love anyone.

Hello Abuterfly! I am so glad you found your way here! First and foremost for you, I am hoping that soon the emotional agony you are experiencing will ease up a bit, - just by the mere fact that you will find out from reading the other stories around here, that you are not alone. And, that his rotten, selfish, self-centered, emotionally heartbreaking abusive behavior is not your fault! By the way, withholding sex and not saying "I Love You", is big time emotional abuse! Remember that! The withholding sex will make you feel insecure, unloveable, undesireable, ugly, unwanted, and crazy. And it is his way of abusing you. Sick isn't it? On top of that, pornography is a nasty addiction. It usually snowballs (like any addiction) - they need more hardcore stuff to eventually to get off, as they become desensitized to the more normal stuff. I hope your small children aren't girls, there could be a risk down the road for them with this man. Keep an eye out for strange behavior in that area. Back to the part where he doesn't say "I Love You". If he can't say "I Love You", he needs to stop wasting your time and precious life and move on so that you can have the opportunity to be in a relationship with someone who does love you and want to be intimate with you. I can tell you what it is - he just wants to keep a roof over his head and not have to pay child support. Bottom line. When he got scared when you called him on his bad behavior, he cleaned up his act..... temporarily. But he didn't change who he is at the core of his being. He just sat up straight in his chair so the teacher wouldn't slap him on his hand with the ruler again! I lived it for 14 years too, and had 2 kids (currently ages 5 and 2) with a Narcissistic LOSER. Think of a Narcissist as a self centered, selfish, loser. Because that is what they are. Simply put. Having to buy a 2 pairs a shoes whenever you bought a pair? Mine did stuff like that all the time too. Not buying you Christmas / Valentines / Birthday gifts? Mine too. It's called abuse. And selfishness. And it's a permanent disorder within their personality. They suck. I developed cancer in the 8th year of total fraud I called a 'marriage/relationship' from the stress, agony and confusion of it all. Yes I too thought I was going insane, wondered if anyone else was going through this type of agony and loneliness. Fact is millions of spouses are, because there are millions of people walking this earth with various Personality Disorders including Compulsive Liars, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Psychopaths, just to name a few - And these disordered people are often married to very confused and depressed spouses suffering in silence and isolation and at the end of their ropes. I tried to talk about it to friends family neighbors co-workers and yes even a variety of counselors. Those who haven't lived it, can't really understand it. Many counselors just dont get it. Remember the "you are not alone" thing I mentioned? You said you went to marriage counseling alone, for 2 weeks. I went alone, to marriage counseling, for 2 years. Along with all the other counselors along the way, looking for answers. Made the mistake of going to a religious based counselor who used the bible alot as a point of reference. You know, - pray about it. Passive stuff like that. I am now more in favor of this bible reference, if anything - "God helps those who help themselves"! Many of these counselors don't get it, because it takes more than reading about Personality Disorders in a textbook in college to understand it. You have to experience it face to face to really come to know the WEIRDNESS of it. But, it sounds like the 2 counselors you went to see, could see that this man has a major problem right away, if they advised you to leave him. Probably because the best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior. You told them all about his behavior thus far in the relationship with you, and they made their assessments, that he probably isn't 'fixable'. And, life is so short. Everyone around here has experienced something similar to what you and I have, and that is why their stories and advice are SO HELPFUL and INSIGHTFUL. The demands of raising young children in this situation only multiply the pain suffering and mental agony, because you are also exhausted. Thinking clearly becomes a real challenge. I know that first hand too, due to my 2 small kids running me ragged. I am an older mother, at age 40, and doing the potty training thing. The stress of it all takes a toll on your body in so many ways, lots of women turn to food for comfort also, among other things. Some people reach out and have affairs, due to feeling such complete and utter cold hearted rejection and lack of interest from their husbands at home. Gradually as the emotional agony and turmoil of feeling all alone in YOUR PERSONAL HELL lessens, the 'smoke will clear' in your brain, and you will begin to see the reality of what your husband is. The reality is, his brain is broken. And, that it IS NOT YOUR FAULT (he will try to blame it all on you of course). He has been broken for a long, long time. Since childhood at least, or even earlier, he may have been born with this personality disorder (among other mental problems). I promise you, he would have done this to ANY WOMAN he was with if he weren't with you. And he will do this to other women in the future. It's not you, it's him. His brain is broken. To answer your question about: "Is there a retreat or re-brain washing seminar I can go to for a few days to reboot my brain?" Healing takes time. There is no quick fix. The problem revealed itself over time. The pain and suffering developed over time. Therefore healing and learning what is going on, take time. The best thing you can do for yourself is try to read all you can around here for at least an hour every day. Hard with small kids, I know. I read here and there as I can. Between potty training the 2 year old, no less! (He's almost 3). Secondly, Barbara left you some great advice. It does take time to heal, 18 months is a safe bet. These quick fix seminars are just money makers in my opinion (usually cost alot). And, you know the old saying, "Rome wasnt built in a day". It's absolutely true. It took a long time for you to get to this point, its going to take a while to get back to normal - back to the person you were, before you met your husband. But here is the good news about that: once you learn ALL ABOUT these self centered people, you will be less likely to fall victim to one in the future. God bless you, hang in there, and all the best to you and your precious children.

Get into therapy with a TRAUMA COUNSELOR IMMEDIATELY - this guy's your classic Predator. Sounds like Psycho-Boy. Typical. Uses and abuses women with seductive hypnosis and mind control -- and thinks nothing of destroying you. You would have to read my story. BTW he could be a Sociopath with Narcissistic Tendencies - not the other way around. You need someone who can treat the PTSD he's given you asap: http://ptsd.factsforhealth.org/help/searchclinic1.asp - Find a lawyer IMMEDIATELY, and quietly, and start the process to get him out of your & your children's lives IMMEDIATELY before things get worse. Do it NOW! YOU WILL NOT EVEN START TO HEAL UNTIL HE'S GONE. - Sandra Brown, MA has phone counselors that you could use in the meantime that I highly recommend but you can NOT 'reboot' your brain while he's still in the picture. No way. - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - PLEASE read the stories of others on SHARE YOUR STORY. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do! Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. It will also help you see the pattern of their INCURABLE PATHOLOGY. - PLEASE read through our whole blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing Get a hold of a copy of Lisa's book (Link in the Right Column) Please read ALL the Rules prior to posting on our Boards, as well. - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim Remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going as SOON as possible for whatever level of PTSD he's left you with!! Get to a PTSD/ trauma counselor ASAP... Healing classically takes a MINIMUM of 18 months (with TOTAL NC) as soon as he's GONE and you will need ongoing support & help from a professional. Please get it ASAP ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims