The Importance of Journaling

I have an electronic journal - easier for me to type than write - found entry from Dec 27, 2009 - same old story and a shock to see I've been miserable for that long. ugh

of journaling; But just like Spirit, the phrase kept coming to me, over and over while driving down the road. While having a slow moment at work where I could actually think, and after a thought I would hear in my mind (spirit) "that would BE great journaling material" ;) While in a store it would not fail that my path in the store would take me right past the... drum roll please... Journals! Even stopping at a yard sale what did I find??... yup, you guessed it, a journal. So... I bought one. :) Nothing fancy, but appropriate for this new journey I find myself on. Healing. It has two parts. When I open up to the "front" it will contain the "ups" of my healing. Ground I am gaining. New thoughts I am thinking, new feelings I am feeling... When I turn it around and upside down writing upside down from the back... it will have all the reminders (personal, not just the generalizations I have read and learned about) but what I actually experienced with that effin' jerk! Something about losing some sweet family and friends has helped me to tap into and embrace the anger of grieving... Here we go... 'Journal, Vol I'...

I posted this snippet this morning in another thread but wanted to post it here too since it's pertinent to journaling. I've been keeping a journal in a cheap 1-subject spiral-bound notebook since 5 months after the D&D occurred. It's now been 4 months since I've started the journal. I not only recorded my thoughts, including my poetry, but also quotes from both self-help books and novels I've read in which characters either suffer from N abuse or are Ns. I've filled up the notebook. So I've spent the last week typing exactly what I've written into a word processing program with no edits. This exercise, while tedious, has been extremely helpful. I've learned and healed more in the 4 months that I've kept the journal than I did in the 5 months immediately after the D&D. I felt completly rudderless then but now, with my journal, I feel like I have a direction. Then, typing what I wrote has made me see so many things and has helped really reinforce all that I've learned not only about NPD and Bi-P, but more importantly about myself and what I want to get out of my life. For months I lived with the constant hope that despite my establishing NC, he would contact me and ask me back. Now I'm to the point where I'm fearful of that. Because I am not completely over him but am very clear about what I want for my future and I know he'd impede that. So now rather than longing for him to contact me, I hope that he does not. I don't think I would have made it this far without that journal. As for poetry - here are some short pieces that I've written ... Several of them contain direct quotes from him and show (at least for me) pretty clearly excellent examples of Mind F'ing. Lamb: I used to believe you were an inspiration. How far you've fallen down into an abyss of my discarded flesh and tears and the sh!t you left behind. Your downfall was of your own doing. And I hope you're happy with your sacrifice. Advice: You presumed it was wanted. You presumed it was good. You implied it was helpful. And in your arrogance, you gave it. Even after causing gulping pain. You are not god. You are not wise. You are not entitled. You are not my friend. And, post script … Your advice sucks. Crystal: Moment of clarity. Otherwise known as an excuse for manipulation lies and emotional blackmail. You are an a$$hole. Is that clear? Pals: "This is not about rejection of you as a woman. This is about me rejecting being with a mother." So, "Let's be best friends! :)" We can hang out and be buddies. Because you no longer count as a woman. I'm doing you a favor by rejecting you, Oh buddy, oh pal. In 6 Days: Sunday "You've awoken feelings in me I wasn't sure I'd feel again. And they've consistently surpassed anything I've felt before. The sex is phenomenal. The best I've had …" Saturday Therefore, "I am simply not interested in investing further in an intimate relationship with you."

I managed to escape two Ns in the past, and I was always a prolific writer, especially in my darkest hours. Writing for me probably saved my sanity now that I look back on it all. I was always into poetry, and I found my favorite poets were people that suffered from great depression and their own demons throughout their lives I always think that was why they were able to write such amazing poetry, as a way of battling their demons. The first poem was written when I was about 24, the second at 34. I still have not written the one that will sum up this last round, but I hope it will be an improvement of finally coming out the other side. DON’T TELL Don’t tell because who would believe It could have been so bad? They will think you’re trying to deceive Or that you are quite mad! Don’t tell because they may believe, And may make a judgement call. So much worse if they conceive That you deserved it all? Don’t tell because you’ll give away The weapons that they’ll need. Surrender fears with what you say, They’ll know how to make you bleed! Don’t tell because it will make you cry And you’ll still give yourself the blame. How can you look them in the eye If you hang your head in shame? Don’t tell cos it was that final stroke That pays you back twofold. It wasn’t just your heart he broke It’s how he crushed your soul. Don’t tell and they will never know Your strength is just a lie, That your grief is hidden far below, Never let them see you cry. Don’t tell, you’ve not the strength or will It’s enough that your alive! It’s the fear that often gets you killed, The rage helps you survive! Don’t tell, no one wants to know You’ve already been to hell. It’s a place again you will never go, You won’t get caught if you don’t tell! Nancy M 1993 Live Again (Circa 2002) I’m running from the life I live To find where my heart has gone. Having had too much to give I’ve lost more than I’ve won. Uprooted the tree is dying And faith has all been slain I’ve come home and I’m trying To find myself again. Here the track is faded, broken Obscured, overgrown, astray. Dust devils swirl hot and choking But I can find the way. I have a need to be out there And let life’s pressures wane. No if’s, no why’s, no when or where, Just feel alive again. As the sun slips from a heavy sky Smeared by the blood of roses; “Do you remember me?” I cry “Or know the trials my life imposes? I’m lost now, I can’t manage, I don’t know who I am! Please help me find the courage That I may live again” Stars on an eternal sky smashed wide It’s too long since I’ve seen. Filling the darkened void inside, Too long away I’ve been. Campfire draws me to the burn I feel my fears drain My soul is crying out it’s yearn To feel alive again. Swept inside the dying flames Our spirits there entwine. We are one, we become the same, The land, the sky and mine. Wrapped within the old and wise Protected from all pain. Together we await the sun to rise And to feel alive again. I sense the nomads wandering still, The keepers of the dawn. And barefoot on a ragged hill I watch the sun return. There’s a whisper humming through my feet Says “I know you I feel your pain” I release my heart and soul to weep, I shall feel life again. I let the demons run their course And I rage for those defiled. I strip the chains of my remorse To find the heartsick child. I staunch the flow of angers’ blood To stop the spreading stain. These demons, I must face the flood To feel alive again. A vibration is humming quietly In rhythm through my feet. The wind is caressing lightly And fills my soul complete The pain and fear is finally leaving I know exactly who I am. And I finally am believing I’m feeling life again. Upon the wind, arms imploring, I let my demons go. They’re twisting, turning, screeching, clawing Cos no one has to know. The fear is gone and now I mourn My loss for fear of gain. The wall will fall on this new dawn I will feel alive again. Here I do not feel the loneliness Of unrequited love. I do not feel the hopelessness Of the endless push and shove. My confusion has but flown away Where sky meets distant plain. And I hear my spirit softly say “I am alive again!”

Lisa suggested I repost this here - this is what I wrote about a relationship that ended 15 years ago, when I had no idea there was such a thing as Narcissistic Personality Disorder! But, boy, he sure fits the profile - he was not uniquely crazy, like I thought then, just a Narcissist! (As noted in my other post, I thank my lucky stars often that he broke up with me and I got out of marrying him. I married a great person instead - an actual human being!...I hear the N is still looking for that perfect person...) Our lives together Were one long, drawn out, never ending Self improvement course for me. From the beginning you were oh so unhappy and grumpy Unloved, put upon, forced to be in power and "caretake" But the irony is that YOU forced it to be that way. You offered me NO support NO affirmation NO love Just advice on how to be someone else to win your love. You cannot live, you cannot breathe Without your pretense of power. You truly cannot love And the love of others, their vulnerability, Disgusts you. It means you are responsible for that loving person (in your warped mind). It is frustrating, your inability to see my strength. I resent your version of me, your version of the relationship. After grabbing all the power by being mean and critical By never letting me feel at ease By constantly judging You ironically say you cannot be with a weak person like me. But think about it I put up with you for 6 years, your insanity, your criticism, your unloving nature. I think that makes me pretty f&%ing strong. Good luck on your stupid pathetic rebound relationship With the new "perfect" person Oh yes, I am sure that she's all that I am not Completely utterly independent; A sexual wonder; never shy or unsure or vulnerable; never emotional or hurt; never ever has any problems; Doesn't ask anything of you; is unfazed by any nastiness you exhibit, in fact, loves you all the more for being such a strong, nasty, independent guy. Worships you. Yet hates you. Asks for no intimacy. Complete utter detachment. What a crock of shit. Good luck you stupid pathetic f*&khead.

I didn't know how helpful it would be for my recovery to save all of our "romantic emails and chats". I have four years of solid evidence of his and MY behavior. Two months into the relationship I was saying that it felt like it was all about him and his interests. hmmmmmmmmmm Peace. J

Thanks CM for that post. I also journaled for the last three years and it has been helpful for me to go back and see all of the patterns that I overlooked.

Peace You took a piece of me When we first exchanged a glance You took a piece of me when I first gave you a chance You took a piece of me Crying and capturing me Melting my heart Heavily and silently You took a piece of me When you became cold You took a piece of me With abuse that can’t be told You took a piece of me With the words you spoke to others With your uncanny wit And the way in which you smother You took a piece of my Little girl; she’s confused, And lost and scared You cannot see it; how could you You would have to have a heart That isn’t completely bare Once again it’s all about You Anyone else would feel shame But no, not you You just take a piece of me With your mind games; shifting blame I hate to have to tell you But I’ve taken back the PEACE Most of the pieces you will Forever keep However, I feel it is important For PEACE to come back to me What I’m taking back won’t Cost you any money So I’ll be taking back, dear Just this little PEACE I’m sure you will not care It’s well with my reach http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview nolongercontrolled

I did not journal in detail but kept a log. Interestingly, most of the time I was unable to write many thoughts due to my hands shaking from the emotion of my experience. I have decided now that it was a Godsend. It would be very painful to relive details of the trauma... even in the future. I did see that keeping at least dates and some records revealed a pattern and gave credibility to my story for others. I have chosen to leave those memories behind... that is the best way for me to heal. I do believe that having an emotional outlet (journaling, counselling, praying,) for the tension and stress is therapeutic. I encourage anyone still in a relationship with this illness to have that outlet.

When you write it down and then read it back the truth becomes apparent. Journaling has allowed me to examine the experience with N objectively. You are 100% correct. Wanting them back would be nuts..

by (the late) Kathy Krajco A little serendipity that may benefit some of you. As you know, I am a tennis pro and freelance editor. One thing I do to keep up with the latest news about the pro tennis scene for my blog is read Peter Bodo's blog. The other day he mentioned something that I already knew so well I take it for granted, as if everyone knows it. But why should everyone know it? Because not everyone is a writer - of a blog or opinion pieces or essays. When my editor James Martin came to me and asked how I felt about writing an essay highlighting what I felt the new generation of young 'uns could learn from past champions, I answered, "sure." Of course I had no idea where I would go with that, and this is one of the great pleasures of writing an essay. One of the reasons I've stubbornly continued to be a writer is because writing about something is the best way I know to figure out how I really feel about it, and I'm the sort of person who always likes to be able to say why he likes - or dislikes - something. I don't know, just because I like it, just doesn't cut it. And trying to write clearly and logically tends to be a pretty good check on prejudice and preconception; it's amazing how often I'll write a few sentences and then realize that they don't really stand up to close scrutiny. It may seem strange for a writer of commentary and opinion to put it this way, because I imagine the popular assumption is that I have my ideas and theories, and then try to articulate and justify them in prose. That happens, sometimes. But most of the time, writing is a journey of discovery. I finish a story, or post, or scene in a novel and realize it went somewhere entirely different from where I vaguely expected it to go. Exactly. I used to say that writing is thinking. It not only helps you get in touch with your feelings and explore a topic, but that white sheet of paper leaves no place for prejudice, denial, anti-logic, half-truth, or any other form of sloppy thinking to hide. I don't know for sure, but I think this is why some authorities suggest that the victims of abuse journal. When you do, you go through the process that Bodo is talking about. I have but one bit of advice to add. Remember that journaling is private writing. Like a diary. It is as sacrosanct as the privacy of the mind. It has no audience. You need that privacy to have the freedom to be brutally honest. If you journal in pain, you may feel like shouting your words from the highest mountain top, but a few years later, you'll be glad you kept these thoughts to yourself. You may even delete them. That's okay. You've forgotten your other thoughts from that long ago too. But you will have achieved a clarity and understanding that will benefit you for the rest of your life. http://narc-attack.blogspot.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

Dear CassieMay, As usual,you make such a good point. Journaling is extremely helpful. Not only is it healing to get your feelings out by writing them down, but you can look back and remind yourself of his actions. Believe me, you will need to do this, especially if you are just in the process of ending it with a narcissist. Narcissists are extremely charming and convincing. They are intelligent and will find ways to make you second-guess yourself even after you leave them. I know I entertained the idea of going back to him several times after our separation. Instead of doing this, I looked back at what I had written down...things he had said to me or done that were horribly cruel. This stopped me from responding to him or entertaining any ideas that I should take him back. Write it down so you can refer to it in times of need! You'll be glad you did! Best, Lisa