Please know your vulnerabililities

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#1 Mar 28 - 5PM

Anonymous (not verified)

Please know your vulnerabililities

Through nearly a year of pain and self discovery I have learned so so much.

I learned a new lesson last night. I have a particular vulnerability that can/did cause me major problems.

My vulnerability is a "need for attention."

I have been alone all year and thought I was completely fine with that. However, when certain variables are present (a few apple martinis, music, and tons and tons of attention from a narc)things can go wrong very quickly.

I behaved in a way last night that i am so disappointed that right now I am overwhelmed with shame, guilt, and sadness. I have cried several times about my behavior.

I am smarter than the way I behaved last night.

I am reluctant to even bring this up to you all hear on the board.... but I am doing it in order to perhaps make some of you aware that even though you may be working through the healing process you have to also include being cognizant of your weaknesses as well. Be aware that certain old behavior patterns may place you at risk all over again.

My need for attention.... allowed me to let a colleage touch all over me, cuddle with me (a few of us were all at an upscale lounge/ resturant), and there he had a completely inappropriate conversation with me and all i did was laugh.He wanted me to come back to his place bc his wife was out of the country. I told him no I would not dare go to his house and that I would never sleep with him... however he seemed to enjoy the challenge of convincing me. Thankfully I brought two friends along with me and they had seen enough with all the touching and literally grabbed my hand and said to him "She is LEAVING NOW!!" then cut him a dirty look and we left.

As they were driving me home he sent me a text that said, "I'm sorry I caused you any aggravation. Your friends seem upset with me. I am bad news. It's best you stay away from me. But I will say I am truly the best" (he was referring to sex).

Today I just feel like the lowest scum. Like how could I have allowed the whole scene. I am dead against that behavior and up until last night was actually sickened when narcs would bother me.

My vulnerability... need for attention.... allowed me to make a bad decision. IDK how to move past this. I mean he and i work together. I know he will feel no shame and will likely try to flirt between his patients like he usually does. How will I be able to look at his wife when we have corporate events. I feel so badly for her. She was texting him last night when he was with me asking him what was he doing.

You guys I'm afraid to hit "submit" on this post as I am afraid that many of you may slam me. Please know that i am very sorry for my behavior and I just need some help making it though all the guilt and shame I feel today. I was so wrong. I've never flirted with a married man in my life :o(

I'm so angry with HIM. Even when he was with me I saw him scanning the room for girls. Even his attention on me wasn't full. As my friends drove me home (one of them is male- Justin) he said,"that guy just wants to hook up and since he saw it may not happen with you he was looking for others" He told me that dr. narc told him to just let Jessika and Amy drive home together and he could stay with him (dr. Narc) and they could pic up girls together, "I'll drive you home". My friend Justin told him no.

Ughhhh I wish this heaviness would leave me. I want so badly to just take the whole night back... but I can't.

#2 Mar 30 - 2PM

foolmeonce

Begging to be busted

Yeah they beg to be busted because it makes them feel even more powerful when they talk their way out of it!! Wow they must be something if they can act any way they want and still have women begging to be with them. They are masters they could get caught f**ing another woman and make the person believe that they were imagining it and that it never really happened.

#3 Mar 30 - 2PM (Reply to #19)

Barbara (not verified)

ridiculous

oh yeah! I've spoken with a few victims who tell me they caught their N or P in bed with another woman and they actually convince these women they didn't see what they SAW! Reminds me of when Dennis Rodman was married to Carmen Electra and she walked in and found him in a hotel bed with 2 other women. He told her they "fell from the ceiling." ROFL ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#4 Mar 30 - 4PM (Reply to #20)

joeP

Remonds me of the line...

Reminds me of the line "Who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?"

#5 Mar 30 - 12PM

masquerades (not verified)

Try be a bit kinder to yourself

Hi Jessika, Try be a bit kinder to yourself. I am sure that every single one of us on this forum have done things in their life that they are ashamed about. Well - I certainly have. The way you beat yourself up... would you think sooooo badly of your friend if it had been her in the same situation? No, I don't think so. Rather focus on what you can learn from the incident. I'm glad you are safe. masquerades

#6 Mar 30 - 11AM

moving on

Attentnion

Hi Jessika, I would not beat yourself up as you only were having a good time and honestly realized upfront what you were getting into. You faltered a bit but did put on the brakes. In that situation, I would want to out him to his wife without her knowing it was me. She needs to know about this...as I would like to know if I was married to an arse like him. Once he is occupied with fixing his marriage, he won't test you.

#7 Mar 30 - 11AM (Reply to #16)

Jessika (not verified)

Yikes

I would be SO afraid to do that. Although I am sure he will think it was his ex-girlfriend who he recently dumped, who outted him. Besides, she is a stay at home mom with three kids... one is a toddler-- so I have no way to access her. My ex was doing this sort of thing all last year to me. I definitely would have wanted to know :o/

#8 Mar 30 - 9AM

joeP

Attention feels good

Hi Jessika. After being alone for awhile I know that sometimes attention just feels good. A lot of us are feeling pain on a daily basis trying to work thru the mind-fk that was our N. So who here can blame anyone for wanting to take a break from it for a night. I think what's important is that we recognize it for what it was and not beat ourselves up over it. However, You've been down the Narc road before. It is a one way street leading to pain, misery, humiliation and abandonment. Let your memory of your last narc relationship not get clouded. It realy was that bad! End this thing before it starts it is not too late. Tell him what you have to tell him to make him understand that you don't want ANY involvement whatsoever with a married man and that you don't want to ever talk about it again, it's a dead issue. Don't worry about hurting his feelings. First of all he has none. Second, he would have no problem using and abusing you for his own sick needs than cruelly dumping your pain wracked mind on the side of the road like a bag of garbage.

#9 Mar 28 - 9PM

Amazed

Jessika, perhaps it is your need for love..realize what love is

You want love so in your life so bad...you want it now,,I know you do from your posts, you want to have someone who you can share your life with,,you have that urgency, and that is a great thing, However,,it leads to situations like this,,leaping before you look,,, You do not, in your heart of hearts,,want to get caught up with a married man..you do not want it...however,,,you want affection,,(not just attention) you want love, and a relationship,,it never comes soon enough. Realize that there are going to be schumcks out there who will take adavantage. Stay away.. prep yourself for that. Realize it is the real you crying out inside, to have a real relationship..find it, make it happen, do not settle for anything else,, and that means the crap, like N men who are married who 'just want to talk' ie,,keep you down.

#10 Mar 28 - 9PM

NancyM

Jessika

Nevergoback Don't beat yourself up girl it's all a part of their big game and even though we are learning about them always remember they are much much much better at it than we will ever be. They prey on the lonely. All this only shows you are still a human being so be grateful for that. This is why i love the no contact rule, its the only way to go. p.s. 51 days NC and counting..

Nevergoback

#11 Mar 30 - 10AM (Reply to #10)

Jessika (not verified)

Joe and Nancy

thanks so much. Yes... attention feels good and YES I will disengage. Joe I agree 100%. The pain from my N was not an experience that was lost on me. I have no interest in such a person and couldn't even live with myself if I were to get involved with a married man.... I just couldn't- it's not for me. To make it worse our offices are door to door... so I have to see him regularly, which would be just horrible after the inevitable D&D. Nancy, he has already spoken negatively about his wife. Said they are not in love anymore and that he is simply a man and every man wants variety. So I was like... then why stay married if you are going to cheat on her. He said that divorce is absolutely not an option, as he has no interest in divorcing her and wants to be with his family/ children. As far as him trying to pin this thing on me Nancy... well, there is too much text message proof to the contrary. I mean from him asking me if I am attending an upcoming conference out of state and when I said "nope" he asked if I could come anyway just to keep him company, "I hate spending nights alone." I was like "you are a crazy person!" Then he said, "come on... just as friends."-- whatever Or the pics he has sent me and telling me that he wants to see me naked. Or telling me he has a boob addiction... on an on!! Did Tiger Woods not teach these men anything?!?! --- married however texting sexual stuff to single women. So much evidence! The entitlement and arrogance! This has not been a long period thing... only a matter of about 4 days-- with the last day being on Saturday, when I made that really bad decision of spending time with him (in the presence of my friends). I erroneously thought the presence of my friends would have curtailed his behavior. However, both he and i were inappropriate I suppose. I know I should have cut the conversations/ texts off completely. IDK why I didn't and I need to search myself regarding that- bc it was/is wrong. During the texting it was me who said that he shouldn not be talking to any girls at all being married and all. Then he proceeds to tell me that he is being good, bc he recently broke up with his "GIRLFRIEND". Ughhhhh what the hell!! So, if he pins this on me I will definitely fight that mf!!!! I can overhear him now in the hallway talking to a drug rep. They are discussing their wives--- ugh. He just said he is thinking of bringing her with him to his conference. My my... doesn't he look like the wonderful doctor and husband! UGH. He failed to mention he asked his single female colleague... who he touched and cuddled with to go with him!! BLAH!! Anyway, thanks again everyone. I need to disengage from this, as I will start to hurt myself emotionally if I give this matter much more energy. I'm just glad not to be filled with unbelievable guilt/ shame as I was on Sunday. I thought I would be unable to face him today... but so far so good. I'm going to starve the (emotional) vampire!!

#12 Mar 30 - 2PM (Reply to #12)

Barbara (not verified)

Jessika

print out everything you can on him - stuff that he probably sends to other women too type up a note saying "he tells people you don't love each other... he's obsessed with boobs" mail it to her - TO BE OPENED BY ADDRESSEE ONLY no return address if he brings it to you - play innocent This idiot sounds so much like Psycho-Boy. He's just begging to get busted. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#13 Mar 30 - 10AM (Reply to #11)

NancyM

Yep Jessika u onto it, u

Yep Jessika u onto it, u will do fine i think. :) Power to U.

Nevergoback

#14 Mar 29 - 10PM (Reply to #6)

Jessika (not verified)

Thank you

Nancy and Amazed. It's really appreciated. I will see his hyper, oversexed, selfish ass tomorrow at work for the first time. I'm just going to be my typical cheerful self and stop feeding into his narcissism. Again... thanks for your words.

#15 Mar 30 - 8AM (Reply to #9)

NancyM

Jessika- upping the ante

Jessika he is going to up the ante. Either one of two things may happen 1. He will go D&D he will accuse you of being the one that came onto him and he was just responding to you. He may try to smear your good name and as soon as you try to defend yourself you will be falling into his trap/power. Don't fall for it. 2. He will try to convince you that you are the one and his wife doesn't understand him etc etc. You don't have to physically or verbally let him know that you are onto him, all you have to do is give him that look. Yep it will send him into meltdown so be prepared for his reaction. If you stick to your guns he will eventually go away. You have some awesome friends... keep them close.

Nevergoback

#16 Mar 30 - 12AM (Reply to #7)

Barbara (not verified)

Jessika

if he tries to touch you please tell him to KEEP HIS HANDS TO HIMSELF. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#17 Mar 30 - 10AM (Reply to #8)

Jessika (not verified)

LOL

Yep... Saturday was the last day. He will never touch ME again!!!!

#18 Mar 28 - 6PM

Barbara (not verified)

Jessika

this was NOT your need for attention... this was your lack of BOUNDARIES... http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/16/ns-trample-boundaries-control-freak http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/08/lessons-about-emotional-detachment.html ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#19 Mar 28 - 8PM (Reply to #3)

Jessika (not verified)

Thanks

neveragain5 and Barbara. I read the links. And yes I do have some obvious boundary problems that I have to figure out how to address. I don't/ can't go down that road again. I want better life for myself. Again thanks for responding.

#20 Mar 28 - 10PM (Reply to #4)

Barbara (not verified)

more on boundaries

http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/12/14/boundaries-you-them-pathological and don't let the desire to be in a relationship make you BOUNDARY-LESS... it's like a green light for predators. take up the boundaries issue with your therapist, too ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#21 Mar 28 - 6PM

neveragain5

Hi Jessika, I am new to this

Hi Jessika, I am new to this board and to the reality of what an N is, but I read this and feel the need to respond. You are human!!! Things happen when people are drunk or lonely that wouldn't normally happen, (sometimes this is how people get involved with these men in the first place). The way I look at it is that you need to focus on what you DID do and not what HAPPENED. What did you do? You told this man "NO!". You also recognized, (and continue to recognize), that the situation was wrong, not only for yourself, but also for his wife. Some people aren't even capable of thinking beyond themselves! You walked away from this and have the rational to know that it was a bad situation, however, nothing actually HAPPENED. You have some wonderful friends that stuck-up for you and have your back. You also stuck up for yourself. I am sorry that you are feeling so bad. I hope that you work through this and once a couple of days go by, it won't feel so heavy. :) Hugs to you!

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