Gambling Addict

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#1 May 29 - 12PM

hitandrun

Gambling Addict

I now have undeniable proof my exSpath was a bonafide gambling addict. Now I understand why he did not have a bank account or credit cards..paid cash for everything or used his Mommie's card....they recommend you do not have a bank account or credit cards in Gambler's Anonymous(that's not my proof...cannot post it). So along with alcoholism, he also chose gambling over me. Now I KNOW his success will be limited. The lines get blurry between addiction and pathological behavior.

Court date is now set. We shall see how he responds.

He hid this so well. I think his family thought I would straighten him out. Most likely I would've killed him if I knew all these things if we had gotten married. If I knew them before he D&D'd me, I would've dumped his ass.

I still love him...that's what is such a crock(or love what I thought he was.) But I would not take him back. No worries..he will not contact me.

Any of you all had gambling addict alcoholics?

#2 Jun 2 - 9AM

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

addicted to EVERYTHHING.......

Orange Judas was a renaissance man...very well rounded as far as being a psychopath.......he was addicted to....ALCOHOL..DRUGS..GAMBLING...PORN...FOOD..AND LYING.... that's just a few off the top of my head....and he would have ADDICTION OF THE MONTH....where he practiced one almost 24 hours a day.... â€œI do not bring forgiveness with me, nor forgetfulness. The only ones who can forgive are dead; the living have no right to forget." - Chaim Herzog

#3 Jun 2 - 12PM (Reply to #23)

hitandrun

Narcnarc

"Orange Judas was a renaissance man"...God that made me laugh! I needed that today(one of those crying can't get my sh*t together days again...yesterday was fine.) A Renaissance man of addictions....classic!!!!! Thanks Narcnarc. I know it's really quite f*cked up and not funny...but dark humor goes a long way these days.

#4 May 30 - 9AM

sanctuary

WOW...hitandrun, your post

WOW...hitandrun, your post just gave me a light bulb moment! My ExNH is an alcoholic, so I was thinking about the gambling part. A few yrs into the marriage he went to Vegas on business trip and took a thousand out of our account and blew it with out even asking me. Until today I thought that was an isolated incident. I figured it was the alcohol... But, now as I think about it, he stole 40K from his old employer. Said he took out his buddies, employees, etc, playing big man on campus stuff. I always thought that was a LOT to be spending on drinks, even if he was an alcoholic. Well...DUH! I'm sure some of that was gambling...and two of the bars he used to manage had off track betting...and we have gambling here on the reservations...just a 15 minute drive away. So now that I've had my little awakening....yes I've had experience with a gambling addict alcoholic! And they suck big time!!! And listen to the others here, don't think they won't contact you in different ways. I can't go NC because of my daughter with him. We've been divorced 6 yrs and split for almost 10. He hates my guts because I won't give up in fighting for my daughter. He actually texted me on my birthday in Feb. "Happy Birthday. I hope it is a wonderful day for you. Welcome to 47." WTF!!! Listen to us when we say they are NOT HUMAN. There is NOTHING too low or sick for them. Be glad you are getting out of all the madness with him. Hang in there!!

#5 May 29 - 3PM

Barbara (not verified)

hitandrun

you do not love him - there's no "HIM" to love. He's probably a sociopath addicted to the HIGHS of gambling. you are trauma bonded and brainwashed READ: http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/03/17/cognitive-dissonance-obsessional-thoughts Stay away - it will take about 18 months before you START to feel better ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#6 May 29 - 2PM

Introspection

Cognitive Dissonance & Obsessional Thoughts

I've read all your posts and based on them, I know that you are a very intellegent woman who is stuck on this very distructive feeling of love. There is a posting on this site that you should read, print and keep close to you to reference it when you need to center your thoughts. Don't know if you meant what you stated on this post "So along with alcoholism, he also chose gambling over me.?" Sweetheart, do you really belief that if he was not an alcoholic and gambler he would have stayed with you? You made a statement of concern, "no worries...he will not contact me" which gives an impression that he is in control and would only take his contacting you and....? You really need to change your thoughts, you are very vulnerable! You need to understand that he is NOT GOOD FOR YOU! You also stated in your post that you would have left him if you had found out earlier that he was a gambler. Perhaps you are having difficulty with accepting what happened to you because of your ego? Perhaps if YOU would have left him the "feeling" now would be different? I'm playing devil's advocate to help you better identify the source of your obsession so that you may manage it and pull yourself out of this misery. Be strong sweetheart; you have everything! Health, intellegence, and beauty...why would you want to hook-up with a looser who only has bad habits and no love to offer?

#7 May 29 - 3PM (Reply to #6)

hitandrun

Introspection

You are right. It hasn't been 3 months quite yet. I am in therapy. I am now on meds. Reading. Posting. Truly I want it all these thoughts to stop. I want to move on. It is what it is. What else should I do? The only thing I can think of is cognitive behavioral therapy and thought stopping/switching of which I am working on. What posting are you referring to that I need to print out and read? Is it the one that is the title of this post? As for the source of my obsession...I did not really see it coming. I was already to move and get married. I did not get a job because I was moving. I based everything on the 2 incomes we would have and financially I am in a strange place now. I wanted to be married to him and have a life together more than anything I have ever wanted in my whole life. That is where the obsession is coming from. The shock of it. The still wanting that life, even though intellectually I know it cannot happen. As far as the "no worries" comment. It is more of a safety comment because he will NEVER contact me. It is not that he is in control, it is a matter of I won't do it and I know he won't either.

#8 May 29 - 3PM (Reply to #7)

Introspection

"he does not love me, never did, and never will"

I left the reference link out, sorry...here it is now http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/20/cognitive-dissonance-obsessional-thoughts. It is on this forum so you may have already read it and may be familiar with it. This is one that I recommend you keep close of you. What more can you do?...journal and keep repeating to yourself "he does not love me, never did, and never will." When my XN left me, the first few weeks were hell. I had the most difficult time reversing the effects his leaving had on me both mentally and physically. Like you, on an intellectual level, I wanted to stop but could not. I read the book by Susan Russo "there is life after what's his name" and it helped start my recovery. I emailed her and briefly told her my story and she wrote back "blasted" me for not getting on my knees and thanking God that my X was out of my life. This was around the time Stacy Peterson was missing and Drew Peterson was suspect. She sent me the link to one of the many interviews Drew held during this time and told me that my X was most likely a sociopath. This was the first time I ever heard about sociopathic behavior. I read all about Drew and looked at the recorded interview and it was truly eery. He was an "empty" person. I associated a lot of what my X was doing to me and became somewhat afraid that I MAY be dealing with a sociopath. I started "journaling" our interactions and noticed a pattern of indifference and game playing. I had to repeat the words I'm advising you to repeat..."he does do not love me, never has, never will." Altough it sounds silly, it became an understanding. I relocated to get away from him and when he followed me to this area...it was different...the STRONG feelings weren't there. I credit this to the now engrained fact that he "did not love me, never had and never will." I know we are all different in the way we process our pain, feeling, emotions, but I do understand your pain. I hate that we are put through so much when we did nothing more than love them. Like you, I was looking forward to becoming his wife, having his children, and trust me...even today I can close my eyes and go back to that time and feel it all over again...so do me a favor...don't close your eyes! He WILL contact you again; they ALL do. I guess its because they "recycle" their victims...perhaps because they are too lazy to find new ones!

#9 May 29 - 4PM (Reply to #11)

hitandrun

Thanks, Introspection(and Barbara,too)

I will add the "he does not love me,he never loved me and he never will" to my mantra list. I've always been a journaler and it would serve me well to go back through them and copy the times his drunken behavior pissed me off so I can keep those times at the front of my mind. Also have Sandra Brown's Hypnosis CD that I just ripped so I can listen to it on my ipod. I really appreciate your comments because I know you've been through this. It's up to me to deprogram and reprogram my mind. How did I let it happen in the first place...geez! But deep down I know I am much better off. Just wish the nagging feeling of "maybe that's not true and you are the one who messed it all up" would get the f*ck out of my head. With all the evidence to support his pathology, you'd think that thought would dissolve immediately. Not so. NOT GIVING UP!!!!!! And I'll try not to close my eyes : ) Unfortunately, I believe this experience will alter my life forever. And I am hoping it will do so in a GOOD way once I am on the other side of it.

#10 May 29 - 9PM (Reply to #12)

Introspection

yes...don't close your eyes :-)

This experience will alter your life forever...as any other "trauma" you have survived has...years later, I still deal thoughts that I have to quiet down; crazy. I like your statement of deprogramming and reprogram :-)...sure is an accruate statement of what needs to happen. Not sure at what point we surrender ourselves to them? It is not often that I trust and let me guard down? Did not even realized that I let him in until it was too late. All the red flags were there and I opted to ignore them...all in the name of love! Stupid!!! and yes, that nagging feeling that I had somehow drove him away was a constant belief that took me years to overcome. In an attempt to help you I'll say it this way...hindsight, he always cheated on me and was NEVER really with me. Think back sweetheart...when he stayed with you, did you not notice that he was ONLY there for the sex and nothing else? When he held you, did you not look into his eyes and noticed an empty stare? Hindsight...all "feelings" came from me...he was empty! I enjoyed him that's for sure; I now understand that I was lonely and he filled that void!!! This forum is really key to your recovery. You are in good company with those of us who have experienced this same ordeal...we can relate and help you through just as you can help others too. I hope that I have in a small way contributed to your recovery and only replied in hope that I say something that makes sense and helps you through this very painful and confusing phase. Stay strong sweetheart!

#11 May 29 - 11PM (Reply to #19)

aceonelady

we did not let them

I ws reciving and giving love...how can you not believe a man that did everything to talk to me for a year and eight months?A very nice person,things he told mne about his personal life were true,i checked,he also told me things about himself he wasn't proud about it....How did i "surrender" to this person?I was in a relationship,how could i have know that someone could lie so well about his feelings about me ? i still think that is the way they are,non human,they do not feel like we do...when is over is over.....no memory of good thinghs in their mind,i think they live in phases for the moment and that they achieve new identities ....like Barbara says is projection,evey new woman getsthe guy that suits her and her desires,till he gets bored and tired of acting....When he dumped me i never felt i had let him down in anyway...But he attacked my self esteem saying i was a bit overweight for him...and that i was selfish...both things he is....Is not my fault that the first year he made me feel loved...but so did my husband,a lovely guy ....i was not lonely when i met the N...But he did make me feel like i never felt before...I think they really are brainwashing and different...I didn't 'SURRENDER' I felt prey to a NON HUMAN ,and i did get hit very badly by IT....

Aceonelady

#12 May 29 - 10PM (Reply to #14)

Barbara (not verified)

Introspection

we NEVER 'surrender ourselves' to them. NEVER they BRAINWASH & MIND CONTROL US. We do nothing other than be human. It's all THEM and their predation of us. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#13 May 29 - 11PM (Reply to #15)

Introspection

Barbara...

You truly belief we don't surrender? I understand that as humans we belief and take them at face value and I belief that we are brainwashed...but I own the part where I "chose" to ignore the "empty" stare and the feeling that he was speaking from a well "rehearsed" script. I have a responsibility to myself that I ignored and was therefore, hurt as a consequence. This is why I called it "surrendering." This is when "I" have an option and "choose" the wrong thing. When your XN was contacting you...did you not "feel" that he was playing you and you "opted" to ignore the warning signs? Yes we are human and yes they brainwash us...but there are signs that we ignore and this is what I classify as "surrrendering." Please advice.

#14 May 29 - 11PM (Reply to #16)

Barbara (not verified)

Introspection...

Hell NO we don't surrender! we do NOT CHOOSE at all!! have you read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS yet? I was one of the women interviewed for that book at back then I was blaming myself. But I did feel 'out of control' and like I 'couldn't get a handle on my actions' when Psycho-boy, Narc #1 and exNH were throwing out red flags and I was excusing them. Guess what? RESEARCH PROVED TO ME THAT IT WAS ALLLL THEM. All their: brainwashing luring mind control manipulation of my hormones changing of my very brain chemistry Even when I did want to stop it I couldn't. We did NOTHING - I repeat NOTHING. This was all done TO US. We never choose or surrendered a damn thing. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#15 May 30 - 12AM (Reply to #17)

Introspection

I have not read women that love psytchopaths yet...

Does the book remove all guilt that I feel and describe how I was a victim and not to blamed for what happened? I have to live with what happened and clear my thoughts that I could have somehow helped myself. I like to think that I was not at all responsibile for what happened and that I could not have helped but fall victim of my XN but it all seems like I could have prevented it if I would have cut him out of my life when I saw the first sign? In moving forward, I like to think that I will be able to prevent it from happening again?....

#16 May 30 - 2AM (Reply to #18)

Healingnow

I realise too that we are

I realise too that we are lured brainwashed etc. After a lot of thought and research I have decided that I need to feel that I have control over my life now and that I did then too. There were red flags in the begining. I saw them and wanted to leave but said that he was just having a bad patch and would grow through it (as I had known him from before). At that point I could not have realised the emotional damage he could do to me. With family support they would have helped me through but I don't have that. With every story there seems to be something in a persons background or upbringing that predisposes them to these pathologicals. Like you said the stare was there, the icky feeling in the tummy was a big one for me. The bit that is missing is the education that a person can have bad intentions for a power trip and to gain control. Humanity assumes that we all mean well and just slip up sometimes. Not true for narc/S/P's.

#17 May 29 - 10PM (Reply to #13)

hitandrun

Damn accurate Introspection

Yes, we were only together(when it comes right down to it) for sex. I am just as guilty of that being a motivating factor. His eyes were more hypnotic than dead...maybe that is the same thing. I fell in love with him...he pretended to do the same way before I did. But it was all about sex. And you pointing that out helps. Him asking me to marry him(engagement ring,announcement and all) and making me a big part of his family was just to make it look acceptable.

#18 May 29 - 4PM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

hitandrun

actually it should be: "he CAN NOT LOVE me, he CAN NOT love anyone. He's permanently disordered and not human." BE SURE YOU HAVE BLOCKED HIS CALLS, EMAILS, TEXTS don't count on HOPE to keep him away. Read & memorize: http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/04/17/what-no-contact-means ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#19 May 29 - 4PM (Reply to #9)

hitandrun

No Contact Barbara

He lives 3 hours away, doesn't drive..I've changed my phone number,blocked his facebook, blocked his family on facebook. No need to block his email...he's not going to email me. Barbara, this guy is a COWARD. He might contact me when he get's served soon, but I seriously doubt it. I hate texting so he never did that with me. If he contacts me I'll sh*t a brick and be sure to ignore it(unless there's a certified check or money order in an envelope). And I'll post on this forum that he contacted me. With his propensity for drunk dialing, he would have done so by now. Will add "he CAN NOT LOVE me, he CAN NOT love anyone. He's permanently disordered and not human" to the mantra list.

#20 May 29 - 5PM (Reply to #10)

neveragain5

hitandrun

Don't count on what he will and won't do. You need to protect yourself and banish him from reappearing in ANY way. That way, you can focus on you and healing. I thought the same thing recently and then he texted me and it really screwed with me for a day. I finally changed my number. I don't want him back AT ALL, but I don't need him disturbing my life either. We all have a right to live a peaceful life without harrassment and abuse. They have NO BOUNDARIES and if he gets desperate enough, he might start emailing.

#21 May 29 - 1PM

Monica

Gambling addict or liar.....

My xN/P would always tell me about poker games he played in...at least weekly, if not more often...where he would sometimes lose an entire week's paycheck in one night. If this was truly happening, then the place he hung out (a bar) was involved in illegal backroom gambling. But, that is beside the point. His "friends" later told me that he was all talk...that most of his poker bragging was untrue. So...either he was a gambling addict or it was just all part of his pathological lying, which he did all the time, about everything, even about things that didn't matter to anyone. Mine, too, always carried cash...and lots of it. He would pull it out and flash it as often as he could, like his cash is what made him important and respected (NOT). The only credit card I ever saw him use was after he changed jobs and they gave him an expense account credit card. And he used that thing to charge things that were NOT job related at all. Maybe someday they will figure that out and call him on it but I doubt it. These as*holes rarely get caught and, if they do, they lie their way out of it. Hitandrun...you loved what you thought he was, you loved the mask, Mr. Pretend Guy, Honeymoon Guy. Sadly, they are never real. We fall in love with something that is NOT REAL. Never really existed. Was all smoke and mirrors. When I find myself missing Mr. Pretend Guy I quickly focus on all the evil things he did, all the lies, all the deceit, how he used people all the time for his own gains. THAT was real.

#22 May 29 - 1PM

Monica

Sorry...double post

Haven't done that in a while....!

#23 May 29 - 1PM (Reply to #2)

hitandrun

Flashing the money clip

Yeah, mine used to flash his money clip full of cash all the time. I always thought it was stupid. And the lying about everything. The funny thing is the lies mostly had a grain of truth within them. And then let's not forget the lies of omission. My mantra must be: "Thank you, I dodged a bullet." And repeat in in my head often.

#24 May 29 - 2PM (Reply to #3)

Monica

Flashing the cash....

I have been thinking about this lately. And I have come to the conclusion that my xN/P probably jerks off to a stack of hundreds several times a day. Money is his true love, it is what really turns him on, satisfies him, makes him feel good. I can truly picture it....him jerking off with a stack of money in front of him. I love your mantra..."Thank you, I dodged a bullet." I know full well that when I was "with" him, I was a heck of a lot more miserable than I am now without him. I miss Mr. Pretend Guy but Evil One caused me constant and extreme anxiety as I was always on alert for lies, infidelity (never had any proof of that one) and D&D. I was on high alert all the time and it took it's toll on my physical, mental and emotional well-being. Why would I want to stay with someone who had that ill effect on me? I will get over him and move on. I, too, dodged a bullet.

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