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#1 Jun 21 - 1PM

trying2overcome

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The answer is I DO truly care or I wouldn't have been trying the past 6-7 months. How people go back is they remember how it was and if they really want it all back. I think the only way to feel safe is to build that trust again by starting over. I have the same feeling about trust but know I want that feeling back that we once had. I'm sure it is terrifying to go there again cause to be honest I feel the same way about issues with you and how do I know they won't repeat? I can only hope that neither of us would EVER want to go through this empty feeling again and would BOTH try harder to complete each other. My heart and soul are empty and broken too. I want to get over all of this but I still love you Carla.
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Above is what he emailed me moments ago. My heart wants so bad to believe all he ever says but I know in my head the end result will be the same .. he will never be happy. Not sure how much of this is familiar to anyone but I do find it interesting that he says "find a way to complete each other" Which I have found is part of the problem. He is empty & in constant need of filling and he looks to me or OW to do this for him .. am I right or crazy? I do not need him to complete me .. him or any other man. I am ok with me .. (or atleast I was) I want someone as a bonus in my life .. not to make my life for me. I suppose this is why we fail .. he is looking for me to fill all his voids .. which I think sane people know can not be done. So I always come up short in his eyes and eventually he looks somehwere else to fill the void. I wish so badly I could be total NC .. the times he reaches out just causes me more heartache because I start second-guessing what it was and what it could be. uuuugggh ...

#2 Jun 22 - 8AM

trying2overcome

hugs

Thanks to you all . you give me the support and reality check I need when feeling weak!! For those of you who apologized for your translation for fear that you had been too harsh ... do not apologize, I appreciate every word and again, it is the REALITY that I need to hear!! unfortunately my brain still tries to makes sense of him and his words and my heart longs to believe them so I need a good kick in the rear!!! Do you ever wish we were all in the same area where we could meet for dinner and hang out for a good ol' girls night out!! :-) Anyways .. today, I cam in to find 2 short emails .. first one said "please come back to me" followed by one an hour later that said we could could work it out IF I would try and I wouldn't have to be sickened by who he was with IF I would come back to him .. and he couldn't make me want him again nor will he try .. hmmmm the good news is I usually see him in the morning and he had already left so that was a plus. Love to you all!! XXOO

#3 Jun 22 - 4AM

Maggie

Terrifying

How about: "[You] DO truly care. Go back [and] remember how it was.[this is the] only way to feel safe.. really want it all back! Know I want that feeling back. Honestly, it will be terrifying for you to go there again. You know the issues will repeat. Go through this empty feeling again. Try harder to complete [Me]" So sorry to write this - I've sort of frightened myself writing this but there might be some creepy programming in what he wrote? Hope I didn't overdo it!

#4 Jun 21 - 4PM

narcsurvivor

I've started over with exN

I've started over with exN more times than I care to remember. If we were starting over, he would always say that the past time we were together didn't count anymore (for anniversaries, etc) - it was another way for him to dodge being nice/giving to me. I'm so done starting over with him. That kind of thing really is nothing more than a total control tactic.

#5 Jun 21 - 4PM (Reply to #11)

rainbow1

narcsurvior

Mine would say that it doesnt count either but not as far as anniversaries and stuff. He meant that everything he did before didnt count. I wasnt allowed to bring up old stuff that he did or said. I HAD TO START OVER! However, he was allowed to bring up anything that I did. When he broke up he slept around ALOT. I stayed at a guy friends house and nothing happened but he could talk about that over and over again. And how SLUTTY I am and how he knew that I would do something like that because "thats just the way I am". I hate this freak!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#6 Jun 21 - 4PM (Reply to #15)

broken23

Omg rainbow I had the Same

Omg rainbow I had the Same rules couldn't talk about his escapades bc that was the past or a mistake or didn't concern me! However when I had a good time going out and a few guys approached me he said I was slutty and all his friends agreed...and I even apologized. When I told my friends they laughed so hard and were like Yeah a slut whose been with 2 partners ever. Jerk.

#7 Jun 21 - 4PM (Reply to #16)

rainbow1

Isnt it crazy that they are

Isnt it crazy that they are all the same!? It is like there is a class somewhere where they learn to talk like this! Yeah I was some horrible devil woman for having a good time! He said that what I did was worse than what he did. He said he slept around to "get me out of his head" and I said at that guys house because I "Obviously have feelings for him". I was NEVER allowed to talk to that guy or about him again. However, if there was a party with these girls there he didnt see what the problem was if he went to the party.

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#8 Jun 21 - 4PM (Reply to #12)

narcsurvivor

They're all a bunch of sick

They're all a bunch of sick freaks with their own set of rules!

#9 Jun 21 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

rainbow1

I am pretty sure that this

I am pretty sure that this is part of why they d&d. They know that they messed up over and over again so they leave. They let you get yourself back and hopefully forget everything that they did wrong. They just hide under a rock until they think that you have forgotten. Then they come back and pretend like nothing happened and you are not allowed to remember what did happen! It has been two months to the day that me and my XN broke up. He did horrible things and I called him out on it. Now he thinks that I have forgotten and is trying to hoover back in again. Bad news for him is that I will never forget this time.

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#10 Jun 21 - 4PM (Reply to #14)

AnotherPath

They don't mess up.... it's planned

They D&D to wear you down so you get into a confused needy place so that they can turn the abuse a notch up, and watch you spiral on the downward path without answering them back, out of fear. Fear of being lost without them, because with the D&D we've become needy and clingy. The D&D function is to control you further and abuse you more. The more this goes on then they know they've really got you in a bad place so they can then move onto physically abuse at this point. This is a real dangerous place to be in. It's not about them knowing they've messed up, on the contrary, they've got you where they want you, so they can abuse you more.

Ending the dance

#11 Jun 21 - 3PM

AnotherPath

trying2overcome

This is such a load of controlling shite, so bloody manipulative he goes top of the class today, yes, your narc got 10 out of 10. He didn't try for 6-7 months, he blew that one when he was off trying to seduce some other poor woman into his game. They don't try, they do what's best for them. He suggests starting over....... oh my God can you imagine starting the whole sorry dance again with a narc, when we all know the end is exactly the same. He's also repeating the "I feel the same" bullshit. No he doesn't feel the same, he just DOESN'T feel. He even goes on about issues with you and being afraid they will repeat. He's the cheating narc, and of course he'll repeat all his issues. Oh yeah and you've got empty feeling just like him because he's TOLD you you have, CONTROL CONTROL ALTERT. His heart and soul are empty!!! ok so go be on your own go into psychotherapy for at least 10 years and own up to all your bloody bullshit and abusive ways. Never going to happen.

Ending the dance

#12 Jun 21 - 3PM (Reply to #9)

Steph

AnotherPath

you deserve an award for narc translation!!!

#13 Jun 21 - 2PM

trying2overcome

Thank you all!

Thanks for all of your input .. I need it more than you know! Like a dummy I always respond .. and told him that I believed that he felt he had tried .. but he had never tried to fix things with me without having other things brewing on the backburner .. just in case. Thats is not try .. atleast not in my book. The fact that he has been sleeping around is something I could never get over ... it makes me sick. I know it is only one part of a bigger picture .. but sickens me the same. His reponse back started with "Carla, if through all of this you had been trying I never would have gone anywhere." So, I guess basically, its my fault. ha typical. He said many other things that SOUNDED right .. but I know they are not true. I will celebrate the day I no longer give his words another thought.

#14 Jun 21 - 3PM (Reply to #7)

AnotherPath

Of course it was YOUR fault

Of course it was YOUR fault all the time, because of you he just had to screw some other supply to feed his poor shaky little ego. Be glad he's gone, shame he hasn't gone to Mars.

Ending the dance

#15 Jun 21 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

happydaysahead

Yep Carla

Mine told me if I had given him enough attention and affection he would not have had to get the OW. What a crock of crap. All I did was give him attention and affection, even after 6 years. Yeah a**hole, so go ahead and blame me !! Everything they say "sounds" right but it is their actions that prove more than anything, as far as I am concerned. And the "action" of finding another woman hardly screams "I love you" !!

#16 Jun 21 - 1PM

eyeswideopen

Be strong

Keep your head up and look right past this turd. He is playing the pity card to appeal to your basic goodness and he will never change. He will never ever be good to you. He will play good to gain your good graces and only that long. Then he won't even bother to play good. He is not worth a glance from you to his direction. I pray you will be strong and resist him...he is dangerous!

#17 Jun 21 - 1PM

enoughalready

translation

He has run short of supply. He is empty cause he's a predator and other women has figured him out. Users and predators are empty to begin with as he's always looking for someone to fill that void. He has memorized the right words to say to make u weak and come back. I've had these letters/txts MANY times-they are all a facade-fake. Remember- They are what they DO not what they SAY. I fell for it so many times only to find the same #hit, different day! They will never change-pathology never changes!!

#18 Jun 21 - 1PM

happydaysahead

Well..........

I have not quite mastered the translation thing, but I read it as boo hoo, I have lost my control over you and now I will tell you everything you want to hear so I can get you back only to shit on you again. And I am the victim too, so you or we OWE this to each other to try again. Ok, let me try: 1)The answer is I DO truly care or I wouldn't have been trying the past 6-7 months.--if you ever don't give me what I want, I will NOT care and find someone else 2)How people go back is they remember how it was and if they really want it all back. I think the only way to feel safe is to build that trust again by starting over.--I decided that I will give us another chance because my other source has run out. I NEED to make you think I need you, so you will let me back in and give me what I want. 3)I have the same feeling about trust but know I want that feeling back that we once had. I'm sure it is terrifying to go there again cause to be honest I feel the same way about issues with you and how do I know they won't repeat?-- I will pretend that I am truly sorry and yes, I too, am the victim and somehow, I will blame you for all of our problems. I don't know, maybe I am not so good at the translating yet, but it seems to me that he is playing the victim card and trying to suck sympathy out of you so you will take him back. Something just doesn't sit right with me here. Sorry if I have offended you trying, but I have heard all of the same things from mine over and over and each and every time I believed him and let him back, he would do the same thing and after a while, you feel like everything is your fault. And yes, they are good at convincing you that they have changed and want to try again !! Good luck and hugs !!

#19 Jun 22 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

almostlydia

try this

instead of any more explanations tell him nothing more than 'thanks, but not interested'. see if all that mr nice guy routine turns into rage real quick. typical sh*t. i heard it a million times but i also knew that i wasn't the only one he was working at the same time. the rage came when no one took the bait and he might not get his freak on tonight. Or he would get smug because someone else did take the bait. In any case it didn't take long to see the evil truth lurking behind all those 'love notes'.

almostlydia

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