i have to say this i thought the email was from him, omg, why did you send this to that parasite, he will feed off that forever, please face facts, loml, he feels nothing for you[or anyone] i have been having coffee with exn, when he recieved texts and emails from woman, and he would show them to me laughing at the top of his voice, and say to me, they are all silly s...s, more fool them and would be giggling with glee, please stop, please get away from him. he will destroy you and take you to the abyss with him[hugs]xx
Well done it's the first step, be really proud of yourself. You can always wait a week till you open the emails from him, this will give you more time with the knowledge he is history and so is the abuse. If his emails are abusive, you could always change your thoughts on your ps. and instead of saying how important he is in your life and that he has an open invite, you can shut him down for good. You know in your heart it's all wrong with him, now you can start living. You'll realise he's not important in your life, he just keeps you in a shit place you don't want to be in. You're done. Keep NC
Staying strong is right. This man has been stringing you along and has basically dragged you around on a leash for more that 20 years on hints and unfulfilled promises. It seems to me that you have lived in perpetual hope for so long and do not want to admit the show is over.
“Why do people persist in a dissatisfying relationship, unwilling either to work toward solutions or end it and move on? It's because they know changing will lead to the unknown, and most people believe that the unknown will be much more painful than what they're already experiencing.â€
Anthony Robbins quotes (American advisor to leaders)
I feel the reason you do not want to face the truth about him, is because it means you have to face an uncertain future without him, where he has been one constant in your life for so long, albeit a bad one.
This is the hurdle you must face. While you continue, you will never have a chance at freedom for yourself as a person, and will not have a chance at healing.
If you choose not to end it with him, then you are simply going to have to accept that he is NEVER going to change. Besides it has worked fine for him for 20 years.
I do not mean to sound harsh, but you have to GET that he will not GET it.
You are playing out the life of Echo, who pined away for the unrequited love of Narcissus. You are worth so much MORE!
"So please remind me why this was the right thing to do?? Was I wrong in thinking he is an N and is he really someone I should have tried to maintain a relationship with?"
NO! You were not wrong. This "relationship" has been going on for 20 years and where has it gotten you?
Please go back and read all of the advice the members have given you in your other posts. It applies to this post as well.
I have read your story and I don't see you describing a man that seems "supportive".
Until you are ready to really believe that this man is toxic, you are going to continue to go around in circles and nothing any of us say will help. I hope I am not coming across as rude, I just think that we can say this over and over, but ultimately you need to come to a point yourself where you say enough. Yes, it will hurt but it can be done and there is alot of support to help you through it.
You need to come to grips with what this man is and more importantly, what he is not. He is NOT the love of your life.
You are stronger than you think, just give yourself a chance to see that.
xoxo
I know these guys brainwash us, but you need to
RUN LIKE HELL!!!
Even Ted Bundy's girlfriend thought he was wonderful and look what he did.
If you do not have to be involved with him in a business capacity anymore PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go NO CONTACT.
I won't kid you. This will be one of the hardest things you will ever do. The pain is horrendous. You most likely will recontact him. And you will feel like a loser for awhile.
If you are not in therapy, get there.
If this guy hasn't already done a number on your self esteem he will.
Everyone of us on this board have doubted if we were with a narc/pathological/disordered person. Who wants to believe they loved someone that messed up and who used you like an
object? We know it's hard.
But what is more important? Your self esteem, your sanity,
your dignity, your well being...or a few insincere kind words and actions from this freakshow?
There is no doubt about it...this guy has some serious issues.
Is that what you want for your wonderful self?
Are you really worth that little?
Do it, loveofmylife. Kick him to the curb.
It will be hard. Just think of how much better your life will be 2 years from now.
Keep the faith.
This really resonated with me:
"But what is more important? Your self esteem, your sanity,
your dignity, your well being...or a few insincere kind words and actions from this freakshow?"
That is probably the saddest part to me. I've shared my most innermost thoughts, pains, dreams and life difficulties with someone for 20 years that, from all appearances, looks like he faked all of those "intimate moments". It must have all been insincere coming from him. Scary stuff, and what a waste of my precious emotional energy.
Therapy: I will go to the one Janet suggested....it is close enough to me. I had been seeing a Christian counselor...but she had actually encouraged me to pursue a relationship with N because my marriage was not improving. Of course at the time, neither one of us knew the N was an N. This is years before DD happened. So the one Janet suggested sounds good because she was married to an N and would get it.
I've already emailed him tonight that tomorrow I'll be paying off the rest of his contract and we will have no more business relations. And he agrees that that is what we should do; although he was raging the whole time with things like "i will NEVER work with you again...EVER...EVER!" or other stuff like that. Funny how this all changed in a few days. He wanted to work with me SOOO bad last week and now that I decided it wasn't teh right thing to do, he is saying "I never want to work with you anyway!" stomp, stomp, stomp....I'm taking my toys and going HOME!!!
So it will be done tomorrow.
PS - however, he is in a real pickle. He is going to need me as a reference because I consumed almost 2 years of his work life. It will be a glaring black hole in his reference list and he is looking for a job now. So I do expect the sweet talking to kick back in again when reality hits.
But I don't think it is ever possible to "fake" a glowing reference for someone who abused you. My references in the past for him were AMAZING. I've had company owners say they've never heard such a great review...it has gotten him several great jobs. And he will find it hard to get a glowing review from the owner too. So I think that is why he is sweet talking all the banks now....SOMEONE has to account for the last 1 1/2 YEARS!
You do not have to do it...let him get another reference.
All you have to say legally as an employer(if that was your status)is he worked with you or for you and give the dates.
You do NOT have to say anything else. Many companies only verify work history and say nothing because of legalities.
You owe him nothing except the buy out. Let him be accountable for 1 1/2 years....let him find someone he worked with...and by all means do not tell him this stuff.
GO NO CONTACT.
Don't feel sorry for him. You can be a good Christian and keep giving him up to God. Let God deal with him...you need to deal with YOU.
Keep the faith.
xoxoxo
How I wish I could be a possible reference for my N !! I know it's not very professional, but man would I rip him a new one !!
Hugs to you. We are all in this together and we will be there to help each other out. Again, I will say, this forum has been a lifesaver for me !!
Oh you sent that email not
lomy
Well done it's the first
Ending the dance
WHY??
Nevergoback
"So please remind me why
Loveofmylife
HItandrun
Reference?
Oh how I wish....