Feeling Blue :(

Ack, Rhiannon, I remember the early days well - and I promise that it gets better. I had honest to God PTSD symptoms at the beginning - I was a wreck and had a really hard time functioning. One year later I'm feeling like a different person. I think I'm in better shape mentally than I was even before I met the N - and I'm so, so, soooooo glad that he's gone. What helped me most was getting a calendar and marking, chronologically - every time he had done something odd, let me down, upset me, caused a crisis, dragged me into one of his crises, gone missing, said something unkind - you name it. Something as simple as being at dinner with his friends and having him pay more attention to another woman for the evening (all the stuff we minimised or were told we were too sensitive about - all teh stuff tat normal healthy men don't do). I wrote the date - then a description of what happened and how I felt, as well as what else was going on for me at the time. This was pretty easy as I keep an online calendar anyway. Oooooh, the patterns I found - and the -regularity- of his nonsense was staggering. We remember the good times because that's how our brains work but he had pulled a stunt almost every week the whole time we were together. It was exhausting. HIs biggest whammies came after the "good" stuff. If we had a close, intimate few days and everything was smooth - he'd throw a curveball or a tantrum, I guess to keep me off balance. I also started exercising, found a therapist who knows about narcs, joined a 12-step group (CODA - not for everyone but I had some family issues to look at) and started getting back out in the world again. But at the worst of times, when I really got a craving for him and what "was" - I would look at that list (it was really long and really comprehensive) and see in black and white what I was "missing." You can title it "reality List" "What I'm Not Missing" What my Replacement is Putting up With" - get as creative as you like! And be good to yourself - this really is like an addiction and early "recovery" after a relationship with an N is like getting over an illness. Hurts most the day after surgery. Hugs, Curly.

I know what helped me as I went thru checking phones, being upset if he didnt call, etc.... was I cut up my SIM card and got a new cell number so he had NO way to reach me. I also blocked him on email and IM. I had to do this because it got to the point I would fall apart each and every day I had contact with him. I was at the point I was ready to NC....it would have never worked the year prior, EVER. I am surprised cutting up that sim didnt make me crazy...I kinda felt like it gave me some power back. I didn't want to know if he called or if he didn't call...and the NC is what saved me for sure!

Everyone has given you great advice here. I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said. Just remember what Hitandrun told you: "Keep the faith. Journal. Do everything he forbid you to do. And know this is just part of the process." Yes, the healing process is a process and it will take time, but you will get through it. One thing that always helped me early on in my recovery was to do things that the N would have forbid me to do if he were around. I would do these things with such joy, knowing that I didn't have to answer to him. It's a wonderful feeling. Embrace this!

ditto, ditto, ditto. just wanted to add that you have two things going for you that i wish i had had when i was going thru this. they don't ease the gut wrenching heartache, but at least it helps lessen the confusion and gives direction as to what you have to do. I wish I had known then what i, and you, know now. It IS an addiction in every sense of the word and a valid one. And like an addiction, we try try again until finally we're ready to give it up in order to have a decent life. And second, you have us - all knowing, all been there, all understanding - instead of friends that can't understand, won't understand and wind up making you feel worse about yourself than you ever should. Like all addictions, there will be good moments and bad days until eventually there will be good days with bad moments, then finally there will be indifference. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. When I was ready, I blocked him from my phone and it was a big relief and somewhat empowering because that busy signal he would get was my message. And even tho i didn't have a clue what No Contact was, i just knew that every time i talked to him again, it set me back into the pain again because it put him right back in my head again and i had to start all over trying to get him out. No Contact is what makes it possible to get that drug out of our minds. I feel for you and know this is the most agonizing painful time but it does begin to ease up little by little as the weeks go by. After many months of No Contact, i still have sad moments but they are manageable now because i can see things reasonably again. Take care of yourself. Stay Strong.

Unfortunately, you can't just "stop feeling this way". Not possible. This takes a long time. I am 7 months no contact, was doing really well, and then a few days ago, started blaming myself again. I was very dissappointed that I allowed my thoughts to deceive me again.....but....you know what? This time I was able to get through this self blame and back to reality quicker. I was able to still function and honour committments, even though feeling bad. That's a huge improvement form where I was at 7 months ago. My point is, is that this doesn't go away overnight. There is going to be bumps down the road to recovery. But as long as you are doing the right things (no contact, reading, journalling, reaching out, etc) you will get through it. Don't be hard on yourself and expect him to instantly be of of your mind. That isn't going to happen quickly. Be proud of what you have accomplished thus far: told him off, left him, no contact, and wrote a brilliant letter to him that you share with us. That is HUGE. Expect to feel blue, Rhiannon, but always remember that it is normal to feel that way, and that it is temporary. hang in there:) xoxo

and wondering, could I die from a broken heart? It sure feels that way when you are in the middle of it... but you are in the middle, which puts you closer to the end of the suffering! It's okay to secretly wish he would see the error in his ways and come running back with some grand gesture to win you over. Unfortunately, he is not going to do that. THEY don't do that. When he does come poking around again, it's going to be as if he is doing you a favor. You will be overjoyed to have contact again BUT you will soon see that nothing has changed. THEY DON'T CHANGE. THEY CAN'T CHANGE. They have a legitimate mental illness. Try to remember that. Cry, grieve and be good to yourself. You will be okay.

I just want to add that "the only way out is through." You just need to accept feeling bad for a while NOW to feel better later. Otherwise you can have small hits of feeling good (and they don't seem to be very often with this cat) and then feeling bad ANYWAY. Staying with him means you are going to feel bad ANYWAY. So just tell yourself it's okay and necessary to feel bad in this way, for now, because it's the "treatment" necessary to recover. If you had cancer and had to do chemotherapy, you would feel like death warmed over until the treatment was over, but you would do it to get rid of the cancer and be well later. You wouldn't have a choice except to feel like crap during chemo. N's are a cancer in your life. So grit your teeth, and go through cancer treatment. It's hard as hell, but lots of people HAVE SURVIVED it, and you can too. Wouldn't it be a blessing to be cancer free?! Live Strong! ;)

And it takes doing other things with your time. It was like that for me at first, too. I made myself start going to the gym, walking, going to see movies, hanging out with friends, learning new skills, etc. I want to ask you, though - are you ready to get on that scale? Because you can call him aaaaanytime you want, as long as you don't mind being criticized about your weight, told you're getting big as a house, having him go to Vegas twice a month and doing God knows what there, getting on the scale when he demands it as though you're livestock, etc. Are you ok with those things? Are you ok with having a master who leaves you every weekend whenever he wants, makes fun of you, and whose standards you have to live up to, instead of living up to your own?

I remember in the beginning when I would hear from my ExN it would be make me feel better... it was like a high... then few days later it was back to feeling like crap again. Its been two years since we have talked and believe me when I tell you that are very lucky. Right now its like ripping the bandaid off, but you do NOT want to be sucked into anymore drama. This is a blessing in disguise. Since relationships with narcs are like an addiction, you are going through withdrawal. I promise you things will slowly improve. I remember leaving a meeting @ work months after the breakup and I was so excited because I didn't think of him once during the hour... I know how annoying it is to not be able to think of anything else. Try to slowly start changing the focus to yourself. If you're home at night and you're thinking of him... do some google research on something new & exciting you can try. I was 31 at the time... and I signed up for dodgeball of all things... and oddly enough that was the turning point for me... I started to meet some great people and my life wasn't so grim anymore. You will block him when you are ready. You will block him when you are ready to stop letting him hurt you. It took me a long time to get there, and I promise you it will happen. Hang in there! You WILL feel better.