day 2 of NC

47 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 9 - 8AM

Happy1

day 2 of NC

This is day 2 for me of NC and I hope you all don't mind me writing on here so much. It's helping me not to completely lose it so I don't get committed. My stomach is cramping all the time and I'm sweating all the time and I'm doing everything I can do block any good thoughts. I know the weekends will be hardest and this is only Friday. I'm beside myself with anxiety but I know I won't contact him. He thinks he is okay with being on a dating site and it's not. He's a sick man. I don't want to go back to having to have permission to speak wiith him. I don't want to feel like I'm on eggshells anymore. I want to get better now and see how bad this really is. This is hard. I don't feel any better at day 2 than I did a few days ago when this happened.
The weird thing is I still have his Iphone. I don't get it. I thought for sure he would have demanded it yesterday and now he's back in IN. I was supposed to be on his boat with my son and is son and my N this weekend and he came back to IL to pick his son up last night. this man doesn't live without his phone so what game is this? I'm so sick to my stomach.

#2 Jul 9 - 6PM

Happy1

I know I've been waiting for

I know I've been waiting for an email about it all day from him. Something. I know part of me wants him to be sorry for being on the dating site but he wouldn't apologize if it killed him and I know i can't trust nor take him back. My heart is just broken to pieces. I miss him a lot.

#3 Jul 9 - 6PM (Reply to #39)

Amy

I'm sorry

But the man you miss is not real! I have said that to myself so many times - and I truly believe it. Hopefully, you eventually will believe that too. He will never apologize and he will never really be the man you thought he was. Sorry to be so harsh, but that is the reality!

#4 Jul 9 - 6PM (Reply to #40)

Susan32

The lack of apologies

After the D&D, I talked to my friend on the East Coast. She came to the chilling revelation (and this was a decade ago), that he'd probably NEVER apologize for what he did to me. She also hit upon the "past behavior is the clue to future behavior" (in regards to him),and that I shouldn't be envious of the OW, saying, "You were merely a student;you're not his girlfriend. Look at how he treated you." If a man treats his female students badly, does that mean he treats his girlfriends well? The lack of apologies is devastating to come to terms with... but I think it's relevant, considering the recent Catholic Church abuse scandals. Are there priestly abusers coming forward to make apologies? Are they apologizing for robbing children of their innocence, and wrecking their lives? I don't see these abusers apologize. It's not in the nature of abusers to apologize. They just don't.

#5 Jul 9 - 6PM (Reply to #41)

Happy1

I know what you are saying

I know what you are saying and I guess I'm thinking of him on the boat this weekend having a blast without me and not thinking of me. My heart is breaking and i'm crying all over again. I'm so sad because I just don't get the evil in this and how any human could be so cruel. I will never forgive and forget again. I'm very done. There's nothing he can say to make this right if he ever contacted me again. He has never apologized for anything he has ever done to me in the past. The cheating was always my fault in the past because I treated him like shit because I didn't trust him. I ran back to him and begged him to take me back. I won't do it again. He has ruined me. Most of the time I don't want to live.

#6 Jul 9 - 7PM (Reply to #42)

better off

No. He has not ruined you.

No. He has not ruined you. He has ruined this year, yes, but YOU, sweet sad1, are not ruined. You are stronger than that, and we will be strong for you when you feel like you can't. You will rebuild from this bad time and this very evil man. It hurts a lot right now, but you are going to walk one baby step at a time away from this monster and toward yourself. Picture him on the other side of a river. Now start walking away from that river and into a new land.

#7 Jul 9 - 7PM (Reply to #43)

Happy1

better off

I'm trying so hard. I have no desire to contact him but I am feeling so low and so alone and so lonely that I want to scream. I feel so much pain. I don't want to put a picture of him in my head with another woman but it's hard to push out. I'm so sad and he feels nothing. I hate it! I hate I hurt and he doesn't. I hate all of this.

#8 Jul 9 - 7PM (Reply to #44)

better off

Stick your face in your

Stick your face in your pillow and scream then!! Scream! Cry. Let it out. I screamed and cried in my shower once and I felt like blackness was going to envelop me. (It didn't ;) ) You have so much built up stress and anxiety just from BEING with this "person" and dealing with his abuse that you have plenty of tears to cry I would imagine. Crying can be cleansing. It hurts, but like that chemo example I mentioned, the pain will pass and then you can be well. Believe in that.

#9 Jul 9 - 7PM (Reply to #45)

Happy1

thanks better off, I will

thanks better off, I will just keep trying to cope with this horrible pain and crying and deal with it. I'm so miserable I have no words to describe anymore.

#10 Jul 9 - 7PM (Reply to #46)

better off

We all understand... you

We all understand... you don't need to describe it because we KNOW what it feels like. Just keep believing us that you WILL persevere. Even if you can't believe it inside, keep on telling yourself that WE KNOW you can persevere. You are walking away from darkness... we are with you.

#11 Jul 9 - 4PM

Lisa E. Scott

Sad

Oh, Sad. I'm sorry you're struggling, but it's to be expected. You have to understand that this is going to be hard, but as we talked about yesterday, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger." You will prevail here, but it's going to be tough for awhile. I've had a busy day so I'm a little behind on the board. Everyone's advice to you here is so right on. I do think he's just messing with you with the IPhone thing. I mean, this guy is a raging narcissist, do you think he can be without a phone for more than a day? He must have bought a new one and hooked the service up to it. This phone he's left behind is just a mind fu*k! I would just give it to your friend. If he wants it someday, he can go to her directly. Don't count on that $200 either. Sorry, but sometimes you have to cut your losses in order to protect yourself. He's not going to give it to you without a fight and it's not worth it to engage in any kind of conversation with him ever again. Good luck on the job interview! I think that's wonderful news! You will pull your life back together, but you must be patient with yourself. Stayingstrong made such a great point when she said that if you had suffered physical trauma to your body, you wouldn't expect to recover in two days. So, please don't expect to get over the emotional trauma in two days. It's not possible. I love WholeAgain's advice too and wanted to reiterate it: "At the worst of things it helped me to bring myself back into the moment (over and over). I'd remind myself that in that moment, I had a roof over my head, my health, I was safe and that was all that mattered. If the sun was shining, it was a bonus. Or if I had ice cream handy. You haven't been treated gently, but you can treat yourself gently." This is what you have to remember every day that you wake up. Life is a journey. We must take it a day at a time and embrace the unknown. We must accept that the only thing we can control is the moment. We make a choice in the moment about how we're going to feel. That is the only thing we can control. To try to control the future only makes us crazy. All of our anxiety is a result of regretting the past or worrying about the future. All of it, I'm serious, think about it, all of it. Therefore, if you just stop and ask yourself in the moment, "do I have everything I need right now?" you will be surprised how calming this can be. You suddenly realize like Wholeagain said, you have a roof over your head, you are not starving or being held prisoner against your will. You're safe and you're ok. Many people in this world can't say that. We live in a society that is always trying to tell us we need more in order to be happy, but that's because they're trying to sell us something. Having our physical, basic needs met should NOT be something we take for granted. Try to just take it a day at a time and embrace the unknown. Life is a journey. The only thing you can control is how you want to respond to the present moment. It's a choice. Hang in there. You can do this! xoxo

#12 Jul 9 - 7PM (Reply to #37)

Happy1

Thank you for your kind

Thank you for your kind words Lisa. I will take this to heart and really try to grasp it.

#13 Jul 9 - 4PM

Happy1

Thank you all for your

Thank you all for your support. I think what I will do is NC and if he doesn't say anything about his phone by Monday then I will go get my clothing and other items off his boat in IN while he at work with my girlfriend and forget about the 200.00. I don't want any contact and I will suffer this loss. I don't want any contact. He's a huge jerk and he's playing a cat and mouse game with me right now I feel. He thinks he's holding all the cards and he's not. I'm not nor anyone I know will be contacting him. He's not worth it. But I will get all the items off the boat on Monday when he's at work.

#14 Jul 9 - 5PM (Reply to #35)

AnotherPath

Leave the phone there when

Leave the phone there when you get your stuff

Ending the dance

#15 Jul 9 - 4PM (Reply to #29)

NinjaGirl

The important thing

Is that you make a decision you can live with, which it sounds like you have. I'm glad your friend is going with you. And I still want you to get your money, but you have to do what's best for you. *hugs* Either way, I'm cheering you on, sweetie.

#16 Jul 9 - 4PM (Reply to #30)

Happy1

Trust me.. I'm dead broke

Trust me.. I'm dead broke and need that 200.00 but I also know what he's capable of and I can't afford to get tangled in his evil web again. He has a power over me and he knows it so I need to run and let him have it. I'm very upset he has it and it will really hurt my son and I financially since I'm unemployed but I can't let him suck me back in. Even with my friend contacting him I scared of getting sucked in. I can't do it. I'm suffering enough and too weak. I just want to mourn my loss and learn from my huge mistakes. 8-) thanks for all your support

#17 Jul 9 - 4PM (Reply to #31)

NinjaGirl

I would say

Have your friend sell the phone on eBay or something, but I don't even know if there's a big market for that kind of thing. I know you desperately need the money. That's why I'd still try and get some leverage over him, but I know you'd rather have peace of mind than anything, so that's why I'm backing off on it now. I REALLY wish I were there to help. It just makes me so angry that he's going to get away with this. Well, I guess you can chalk it up as a very expensive lesson. Sometimes life lessons are worth $200 and even more. In fact, knowing how much he screwed you over might make you angry enough to help get you over him that much faster, which is worth $200.

#18 Jul 9 - 5PM (Reply to #33)

better off

I hate it that he owes you

I hate it that he owes you the money too, but my fear is that after a lot more garbage and turmoil you won't get it anyway!

#19 Jul 9 - 5PM (Reply to #34)

rainbow1

Exactly!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#20 Jul 9 - 4PM (Reply to #32)

rainbow1

sad1

I know that you need the money which sucks. I was in the same position. Mine owes me money but I just wrote it off and havent asked him about it again. I did for awhile but it turned into a topic that he would talk to me about everyday so I finally told him to keep it. But I dont have kids to take care of so that is a tough one!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#21 Jul 9 - 4PM

ewa

Sad1 please stay strong.

Sad1 please stay strong. Promise us that you will not contact him. Get rid of this iphone asap f.ex. ask your friend to deliver it to him. I am 10 days NC now and i assure you it gets only better with time. It is not my first try, but i do not want to give up and hope you will also not give up and will fight for yourself!

#22 Jul 9 - 4PM (Reply to #27)

NinjaGirl

I agree

Whatever happens, just get it over with. Rather, have your friend get it over with. I still want you to get your $200 and stuff back, though, since you need the money. But whatever you do, have it done quickly. Within the next day or two.

#23 Jul 9 - 1PM

Steph

Of course nobody minds that

Of course nobody minds that you are writing here! That's the healthy thing to do:) "This is hard. I don't feel any better at day 2 than I did a few days ago when this happened." Wow.One thing is for sure, we woman on here expect to move mountains in no time at all. We are hard on ourselves! If you had a major trauma to your body ie) broken bones ...you wouldn't expect to be healed in a matter of days. this is no different. you have experienced an emotional trauma and just like your bones need a chance to recover from a fracture, your mind and soul need time too. Be patient with yourself. Try not to think of where you are NOT at (over him completely) and remeber where you ARE at - you outed him. you stood up for yourself and have maintained no contact. Read where you were at last week. You are much farther ahead now. And you will continue to see improvements - even if they feel small - over time. Hang in there:) xoxo

#24 Jul 9 - 9AM

WantMyLifeBack

Hang in there Sad1. I read

Hang in there Sad1. I read these boards all the time and I find great strength from ALL of you ladies and gentlemen who are on here and have found the courage to go NC. I've only seriously done it once and I went back and I'm paying for it to this day! And trust me nothing is worse than losing that strength that took so long to get to leave in the first place. And, at least for me, its harder now to get myself to that point of leaving again. Don't put yourself in that position PLEASE. Its a worse feeling than what you're feeling now. TRUST ME. Soooooo much worse by far. Hold on...even if you do it minute by minute and hour by hour. Just tell yourself, "I'm not going to call him for the next hour." And then the next one and the next one... And throw out his phone. It'll prob just tempt you.

#25 Jul 9 - 2PM (Reply to #13)

better off

Or just go to the post

Or just go to the post office, pack that phone in a box and mail the damn thing to him, no note, no nothing. Then you can stop thinking about it.

#26 Jul 9 - 2PM (Reply to #14)

NinjaGirl

I just

I just don't think she should send it back to him until she gets her stuff back and the $200 he owes her. And if she doesn't get it back, she should donate or sell it. But if looking at the phone is driving her nuts, I think she should have her friend hold on to it.

#27 Jul 9 - 3PM (Reply to #15)

better off

I understand what you're

I understand what you're saying, but I have mixed feelings about it. In one sense, it IS leverage to get her own things back, but we are talking about a psycho here. Sometimes I think it's best to cut your losses because getting away from him and having NO interaction can be more important than something material. BECAUSE, he also sees everything as leverage, and could drag this stupid phone thing out forever and just keep screwing with her and keeping the drama going, because that's what they do. That's more important to THEM than any phone or any stuff. Sad1's sitch is so bad, and the abuse she has suffered so serious, I think this guy is a truly sick one. I wonder if it's worth haggling with him while she's still struggling so much. And stuff she might get back, but I would almost guarantee she's never going to see a dime of that 200 dollars. Not when he can always have that to hold over her head and drive her crazy. Hell, he can just buy a NEW phone instead of give her 200 bucks. It's too wonderful for him to have the power of owing her the money. That's how twisted they are. In his mind, owing her money and playing games over it puts him in power, instead of a normal person feeling like the power belongs to the person they OWE money to. In Backwards Land, where narcs live, I think there are times the victim actually "wins" when she'd rather him keep her money or her stuff than have anything to do with him. "Keep it, asshole. Goodbye!" Anyone else have any opinions about this?

#28 Jul 9 - 3PM (Reply to #16)

wholeagain

I hear you Better Off

Narcs will look for anything to hold the connection, and in this case maybe it's the phone. My guess is he already bought a new one, especially if he had an old iPhone and was just looking for an excuse to buy v4.0. All his data would have been synced to his computer probably...so it would just be a matter of getting the number switched to the new one. I took a smaller settlement in my divorce for this very reason. I knew anything involving a payment plan would just be a hook I couldn't tolerate. I'd give the phone to your friend Sad1, so it's out of your sight. If he ever wants it he can make that exchange happen but I think you need to assume that he's found a workaround that suits him just fine. You're doing great, just take it a minute at a time and try to keep bringing your focus back to taking care of yourself, your feelings, your health both emotional and physical. At the worst of things it helped me to bring myself back into the moment (over and over). I'd remind myself that in that moment, I had a roof over my head, my health, I was safe and that was all that mattered. If the sun was shining, it was a bonus. Or if I had ice cream handy. You haven't been treated gently, but you can treat yourself gently.

#29 Jul 9 - 3PM (Reply to #17)

rainbow1

sad1

What they are saying is true. He is looking for a connection to you. Hell maybe he felt that you were on to him and pushing away so he left his phone there so you would contact him and he could suck you back in. Mine broke into my house and stole my comforter and Sex and the City seasons just to have a connection to me. Trust me, they go to extremem lengths to keep you hanging on!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#30 Jul 9 - 3PM (Reply to #18)

NinjaGirl

I know

And if she weren't out of a job I would agree. I just think that her friend should find out if he wants his phone back in exchange for the $200 and her stuff, and if not, then her friend should donate the phone to a women's shelter. I would get this taken care of QUICKLY, though. And then no more worrying about it or conversation or wondering over it.

#31 Jul 9 - 4PM (Reply to #19)

rainbow1

Its true

I did it the other way. I took care of it myself because he said he only wanted me to do it (so obviously he took the stuff hoping to see me.) He said he only wanted to deal with me. So I let him win and Sad1 it was soooo much harder! At this time I wasnt NC but I didnt see him in about a month. Seeing him killed me inside! Then after this I did it to myself again the next week when he stole a movie of mine. Dont hurt yourself like that!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

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