im terrified.

13 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 19 - 1PM

whatever2009

im terrified.

Im terrified of rejection.
Im terrified of putting myself out there.
Im terrified of being alone.
Im terrified of everything that involves being emotional or that involves men.

I stated all of the above because that is how I feel right now.I will give you my story and what I feel. Any advice, is apprecaited.

I work for a finance company, in my plaza there is some work being done, so I walk by the same men (construction workers) everyday.There is one, who I feel is interested. He is always there when I come in and always there when I go home. I mean I have to walk by him. When his
co-workers see me coming they signal him, and he all of the sudden appears. Its really cute, and I dont find that creepy at all. Im more flattered. I also think he is really good looking.

My co-worker knows I have a crush on him, and passed him one day and said, "instead of staring at her you should say hello"

I was horrified and so embarrased (I still am). After he did that, I felt the need to go up to this guy and apologize for my co-workers actions. He said, "its fine with me, dont worry about it". He then asked my name, and we had a brief conversation. In the first 3 minutes
it seemed that he was selling himself, he told me he owned a home was renting it out etc etc. I think he wanted me to know he wasnt just a loser. Im really not sure.

Now I dont know what to do. Im terrified. Ive just said hello and kept going, but should I say more. I dont know what to do. I dont know if hes married/gf nothing. Im afraid to put myself out there. Im afraid that he is now not interested and only saying hi to me, because my co-worker said that to him. Im all of the sudden the biggest chicken ever.

When we didnt speak I had a feeling he was into me, now that we have my self esteem has disappeared. Sorry for the long story im just trying to get my point across. My exN damaged me so bad that Im terrified of all men.... that or I treat them terribly.

He made me believe all men are the same, I feel hopeless.

Anyone know what im saying?

#2 Jul 19 - 2PM

whatever2009

WOW Ladies,

Great responses. The trouble with my ExN is that im best friends with his livein cousin. If you read some of my earlier posts from months ago its all in there. So we have tons of mutual friends. Ive also done years of therapy so Im aware of all the issues. I know I dont want my N anymore but at the same time, I need/want to boost my self-esteem. I just meet douchebag after douchebag. I too believe in the "if it was meant to be it will happen" however, im extremely impatient. Part of me feels like im not ready, and the other part of me wants to just move on and stop this. I also have a lot of people telling me to make the first move and show him im interested, instead of being such a snob. They were saying the professional business women is intimidating to the construction worker. So another part of me feels like I need to be more aggressive. Im so confused. I dont know what to do. Maybe im not ready for this, and if not then what will happen, will I just keep losing opportunities to meet great guys over and over again? I hate myself for allowing my ExN to make me feel so invisible.

#3 Jul 19 - 4PM (Reply to #11)

AnotherPath

take it slow

I think your need/want to boost your self-esteem comes from you, not anyone on the outside. If you can come from a place of not being needy you can see him for him, and not what he pretends to be or what you'd like him to be. If you take it slowly and go on dates before you get physically involved you can give yourself time to check him out. Then your fear of getting involved goes away. I met someone 2 years after my split with the exN, I worked with him on and off for years and liked him years ago for a long time, good looking and talented but we were both in relationships at that time. When we were then single I went out a lot with him and worked with him and got to know him. I didn't sleep with him. He stayed over quite a few times and we had a great time listening to music then more talking to get to know him. We were really attracted to each other. In those 2 months I got to know he hated his ex, he started to tell me stories of prostitutes, he had no respect for women, he had dissociative personality disorder, he even left me a book on this, and his whole life of dysfunction became apparent before my eyes. Yep, I had time to see the whole damn stuff. I'm so glad I didn't sleep with him while I got to know him because it was so easy to walk away from because there wasn't that connection. I'm obviously not saying your guy or most guys are like this, but it sure did give me a wake up call. A bit of a "here we go again" BUT because I took it so slowly the red flags were slapping me in the face and I KNEW I needed to leave it. If you take it slowly you'll either see any disfunction or any fantastic integrity from him, he will show all the signs when you keep a slight distance, then you can make great decisions from this, not from a place of lust which clouds your thinking and before you know it you're enmeshed. This also means your fear leaves you, because you've already decided to REALLY check this man out. Believe me I completely lusted after the man I met and had worked with, once his disfunction was so apparent I just wanted to run and never thought about him again.

Ending the dance

#4 Jul 20 - 10AM (Reply to #12)

NinjaGirl

I agree completely

Your self-esteem comes only from you. Let's say the most WONDERFUL person in the world is who you rely on for your self-esteem. This person gives you all the validation in the world. Let's say that this person gets hit by a bus tomorrow. What do you do then? Your self-esteem, boundaries, and trust in your own decisions have to come from within. I don't think it hurts to take a while to be alone to work on ourselves, work on setting boundaries, etc. When you're ready and able to trust in your feelings, you'll know it. When you're ready for another relationship, you'll know it.

#5 Jul 19 - 3PM (Reply to #9)

Briseis

Your "impatience" is

Your "impatience" is something to look into for yourself, it's kind of a personal red flag, to tell you that you are vulnerable, you know? And need to be very careful. Like what you'd tell a good friend in your situation. It's hard to sit with those feelings instead of act on them (or go into obsessive thinking). You are not being a "snob" to let him make the first move. Why would it be snobbish? I don't get that :) I really like what Lisa said, let him come to you. Stay in a position of "power". If that feels uncomfortable to think of it that way, then you are too desperate, another "red flag" of your own. I can find a douchebag in an effin continent sized hay stack, I swear. My exN was the first man I even TRIED to date seriously in 13 years. He appeared to be everything that my previous men weren't, but turned out to be worse than all of them together. I have a psychic THING for these morons. That is something about ME, not really them. I'm positive now it was my "impatience" and desperation that attracted these idiots into my life. That, and that alone. Impatience and neediness are like green lights to narcs and psychos. When you are no longer impatient or overly needy, you attract different guys :)

#6 Jul 20 - 10AM (Reply to #10)

whatever2009

I think your all right...

I think your all right... I think that I have my own red flags. I am vulnerable, and Im so scared of being alone (meaning without a decent man ever) that I drive myself crazy. Im impatient because I feel that if I dont act on a man who is interested, he will disappear and move on to someone else. I also have only had "psychos" and we all know how they call you 100 times, always wanna see you and push you into there lives. So a normal guy who didnt do that, would make me feel as tho he doesnt care as much, which is completely ridiculous. My ExN, was always in my face. So much so that when he wasnt I would get worried he was going to abandon me. Im so tired of my own thoughts and insecurities that the last couple of nights all I want to do is sleep. Thank you all for your responses!!

#7 Jul 19 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

Lisa E. Scott

Whatever 2009

Please don't beat yourself up for how your EXN destroyed you. It is not your fault. You have to be kind to yourself right now and patient. It will take time before you're ready to move into a new relationship. I would recommend allowing him to make the first move. I think it's good that you said hello to him and introduced yourself, the rest is in his hands, if you ask me. Men love to pursue. He may be intimidated by the professional business woman, but if he is too intimidated to do anything about it, then it will never work. You want a self-assured man this time, not someone who requires you to constantly stroke his ego and build him up. Let him be the man. If he doesn't do it, no loss, he's obviously got self-esteem issues because he knows you're into him.

#8 Jul 19 - 3PM (Reply to #7)

whatever2009

great point!!

Lisa.... Thats a great point. "You want a self-assured man this time, not someone who requires you to constantly stroke his ego and build him up" Yes, you are right!! I want someone who I can trust who is confident but not cocky and someone who is not intimated by me. I really dont want to pursue or chase anyone. And I would assume, saying hello and batting my eyes is enough of a clue!!! LOL

#9 Jul 19 - 3PM (Reply to #8)

Lisa E. Scott

Whatever2009

EXACTY!!! You have shown your interest. If he's a man, he will step up to the plate. If not, you avoided a child who needs his hand held, which is the last thing you need. Never again. Only real men from here on forward! :)

#10 Jul 19 - 1PM

Briseis

LOL :) A lot of this sounds

LOL :) A lot of this sounds "normal" but I'm not sure about your history of relationships with N's. You might be confusing your feelings with "facts". I.E., the feelings swiriling through you brain, the fears etc, are not the FACTS of the situation. Does that make sense? You don't know what the facts even are, about him. So listen to your feelings but don't take them as gospel truth. They are about YOU, almost 100% at this point. You don't know him from Adam. He is handsome and attractive. Now you know he owns a house. OK. But that's it! Oh yeah, he's in construction too :D . And he appears to think you are pretty hot too :) Feelings are so "loud" and obnoxious, aren't they? Listen to them with a grain of salt, and see them as indicators of YOUR internal weather. But not as indicators of what HE is thinking. If you've posted your story before, I apologize for responding before I know it.

#11 Jul 19 - 1PM

betty2020

Whatever, "When we didnt

Whatever, "When we didnt speak I had a feeling he was into me, now that we have my self esteem has disappeared". "My self esteem has disappeard". This is what stands out to me the most dear. But, Your self esteem was taken from you. It doesnt appear and disappear as needed. It is non-existant. Gone. Lost b/c of the abuse you were exposed to. This is why we have this time of abstinace from relationships. They say 18 months or so. The confusion and fear from the past relationship with the N has not been resolved in your mind yet. It is impossible to move forward with something healthy when your not in a healthy state yourself. Please know i say this in a loving way. Close your eyes and see yourself in 3 years...Do you see yourself in another controlling abusive Narc relationshiip? I doubt it. If you want the healthy relationships, begin by working on you. You will naturally attract what is good when you display a positive image to those you connect with. This begins on the with you. As they say, "its an inside job". Im sure hes super hot,, super nice,, great in bed,, fun to hang out with,, but do you think your ready? he sounds cool and im sure he would stop you from thinking for a while. But do you think this is what you should do? I really wouldnt recommend the distraction from your recovery at this point honey. I think you playing with fire. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#12 Jul 19 - 1PM

Steph

How long have you been away

How long have you been away from your ex?

#13 Jul 19 - 1PM

wholeagain

HI Whatever

Yeah, I do. I used to think I had great intuition and was a good judge of character, my experience with the N made me doubt all that. I feel less sure of myself socially. I'm in general very wary of men and their motives (not to mention their emotional health). The fact that you're acknowledging all these things is great, part of the process of healing. I'm gradually starting to feel like my intuition isn't jammed up anymore and am starting to connect feelings in my body with the ones in my heart/head. Be patient and do nothing until you're ready. If this guy is meant to be, something will happen (and then, take it really, really, really slow!)

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