Just talking

21 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 24 - 10PM

helldweller

Just talking

Sorry for sloppily starting another thread, but I'm just talking out loud. My daughters and I were actually invited over to the N's house last night for the first time since he moved in. Remember, this was going to be OUR house until he got his foster child and shut us out forever.

He and I sat out on the deck with cocktails, not really talking. The kids played downstairs. It was pleasant enough; a coup in many ways.

Today, my daughter went over to his house to play with the child. I said, "Do you boys want to come over for pizza?" The N said, "We're going to Target to get a new game for the Wii."

That was at 2 o'clock this afternoon. It is now after 10.
He just texted me, "Hi."

I think. That for the first time ever. I'm not going to answer.

#2 Jul 26 - 8AM

helldweller

Realized something very sobering

I only mentioned this is in passing when I wrote my story back in April, but I woke up today in shock about it; I guess the horror of it finally sunk in: My narc was engaged years ago. I'm not exactly sure when, but I'm thinking it must have been about twenty years ago, because it was a woman he met in law school and they dated for ten years before getting engaged. So they must have been about thirty-five when they were engaged. One of the things I just realized is how old she already was twenty years ago, and that she must have been a wreck waiting for him to propose, wanting to have children, worrying that she wasn't going to have anything. Well, they started to plan the wedding and had to pick a date, but all of her family was in Florida and the only day they could all come in was Thanksgiving weekend. Well this would have been the anniversary of the narc's mother's death. He refused to get married that weekend. She wouldn't pick another date so he dumped her. I mean, he walked out and did not speak to her for a year and a half. Now I don't know how much of that was about his mother (which is freakish enough. I mean, I get it but this is your future WIFE for Christ's sake). Or, knowing what I know now, if he just couldn't go through with it and had to blame her. So first of all, here is a 35-year-old woman who was with one man for most of her adult life, who finally proposes and then leaves her (like us, I'm sure, totally devastated and incapable of another relationship). The guy is not even speaking to her. Fast forward a year: her sister dies in childbirth and she takes in the baby, as there are no other relatives here in Chicago. Totally at wit's end, after awhile she calls the narc and tells him about the situation. Long story short: they get back together, sort of. He says they can move in together, adopt the baby, etc. She says she has to move to Florida because that's where the grandparrents are. He refuses to move, as he's already a judge, so he says goodbye again. Now, these two talk every single day, still, twenty years later. He thinks she's the greatest thing since sliced bread and the only one who understands him. Though I always felt sorry for her, I really had a jolt of the reality of the situation in a dream last night: The narc strung along this woman for ten years, during the prime of her youth. He proposed to her and then dumped her, unfit for another relationship and with her best years behind her. She endured the death of her sister and the unbelieveable burden of raising her baby as an almost forty-year-old devastated single woman. She was forced to move far from where she planned to make her home. She is now 52 and "lives with some guy," as the narc put it, and is single handedly putting her sister's child through college, without the husband she waited for or the babies she thought she'd have. AND SHE STILL TALKS TO THE NARC EVERY DAY! I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS GIRL!

#3 Jul 26 - 12PM (Reply to #19)

Amy

Excellent post!

"I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS GIRL!" Don't be that girl! That's the risk we all take when we maintain contact - knowing we shouldn't (those of us who have a choice). It is unhealthy, and will really hinder growth and truly moving on. I am glad you realized the risk. Are you going to go NC now?

#4 Jul 26 - 12PM (Reply to #20)

helldweller

Amy

Yes, I am going NC. I did write him a note and told him I had this dream about his ex. He texted me "Ok. Good luck!" and I think it's the standard response a la "Girl who cried Wolf" so there should be a lot of trauma ahead. But the fact that I am in this box where he just lets me yell and complain knowing I will always come back: it has gotten to me.

#5 Jul 25 - 9AM

Used

ps helldweller

by the way you are now in control you are holding all the cards, just dont show your hand and you will soon see what a pathetic little man he is.

#6 Jul 24 - 11PM

helldweller

Wholeagain

THAT is the perfect analogy: the nightclub with the lights on. Thank you.

#7 Jul 24 - 10PM

wholeagain

Good for you!!!

I give him the What a Wankerâ„¢ award for today. Hold on to that good powerful feeling you have.

#8 Jul 24 - 10PM (Reply to #5)

helldweller

Wholeagain

Yes, he is quite a wanker. I feel so strangely differenet tonight. I'm wondering if maybe I just needed to get in that house once for closure. It was horrible and nothing at the same time. Totally sterile. He said he put six inches of insulation in the walls so he wouldn't hear any sounds from outside. It was like being in a hotel room. Very strange. He talked about how nice it was to hear the chldren playing together and had this faraway look in his eyes. Being inside for the first time it took away the glamour of it all, you know? I just saw the empty fridge and the bare walls and the dead plants on the deck. I realized that there is nothing there. I wondered what it would actually be like to live there with him. It was this beautiful fantasy before, before it was actually done. Last night, he yelled at his child for eating a popsicle over the floor. I looked at the child and he was like this little doll in the middle of the whole slick, manicured whole of it.

#9 Jul 24 - 11PM (Reply to #15)

girlfriday

The living space and the head space

First off, he is such a mindfu*%er. Wow. The feeling you have now is the one that makes NC stick. This feeling like, "I'm done. Yuk. I get it. Gross" as opposed to sheer will power. Secondly, your description of his home made me recall a theory that I have, which is that the interior a living space is always very symbolic of who lives there... This guy has 6 inches of insulation between himself and the world (and you), his fridge is empty which reflects a lack of nurturing, and he has dead plants, which in feng shui mean negative energy. Home is where the heart is...or should be. But he doesn't have one (a heart, that is). My ex's living space was dirty... Dustbunnies everywhere! Dust caked onto the crown moulding. Kitchen floor that needed mopping so badly. Dirty cupboards. Clutter. It reflects his mind. Dirty.

#10 Jul 25 - 12AM (Reply to #14)

broken23

it almost seems as if we

it almost seems as if we were given infinite time with them, we would come to our senses that reality is not great as it seems in our head. i also recall before it all went down, that there would be times where i would lay next to him and think this is not so great. could i really live like this day in and day out. would the attraction and sex fade and i would be left with his bad behavior and overtime nothing would compensate for them. i am glad...you got to see the inside of his house and see that its not all that, and neither is he. I think a lot of us are in love with the fantasy...and reality is far far different. if he became youre reality he wouldnt be so attractive to you.

#11 Jul 24 - 11PM (Reply to #11)

wholeagain

Same happened to me...

sorta. I remember the feeling that a switch had just flipped, and I saw everything with more objective eyes. Everything got way easier after that. It's like seeing a nightclub in the daytime, all the glamour and mood lighting gone, just an empty room with stained floors. I understand the horrible/nothing at same time. If you lived there with him he'd probably yell at you for eating your popsicle over the floor ;) Anyway, great observations and I'm glad you're seeing things in a new way.

#12 Jul 25 - 6PM (Reply to #13)

Lisa E. Scott

Helldweller

Sounds like you learned a lot this weekend. Although not easy, you see him and his situation for what it really is, which is good. I love the analogy of it being a nightclub in the daytime. So true. It's all smoke and mirrors for them. I'm so glad you see that now. I agree, he gets the What a Wankerâ„¢ award! xoxo

#13 Jul 25 - 10AM (Reply to #12)

baddream

Flipping a Switch

That is exactly right, wholeagain. You described it beautifully. "It's like seeing a nightclub in the daytime, all the glamour and mood lighting gone, just an empty room with stained floors." One day everything looks different and you can be totally honest with yourself and realize that life with him could never work. This comes after we realize what he is. It is the most important step to the process-- seeing what he truly is and knowing you could never be happy with this life. After this it is easier to stay NC and move on.

#14 Jul 24 - 11PM (Reply to #6)

MsVulcan500

I'm thinking a couple of things here

I'm thinking that first, getting in that house is starting to make you realize that the fantasy of that home is not the reality of that house. Look around your home. I'll bet it is homey and comfortable and inviting. Also, it is a peaceful, calm place for your daughters, but also a home where they are allowed to be children. Then you saw his empty sterile shell of a house and it made you see that your life with him in that house would be just as empty and sterile. It's still HIS house after all. Also, I'm wondering if getting him to start hoovering has put you in the driver's seat for a while and it is giving you some power. Maybe this is the shift you needed to get you started on letting go of the fantasy.

#15 Jul 24 - 11PM (Reply to #7)

helldweller

Ms Vulcan

Yes, that house is so different from the home of my fantasy world. So, so different. It was easy to imagine it was going to happen before I went in. And actually it turned out just as WE could have imagined: It was like going onto a movie set and seeing that everything is two dimensional. The stage was literally set for my screenplay with no actual substance to anything. The stove wasn't even hooked up after six months, and yet I had imagined cooking Sunday dinners on it. Clearly there is no intention of anyone ever cooking anything on it. I told him last night: have a poker night or a party. That's what "housewarming" is about. He said,"Honey, I don't want anyone in here." Yes, in the driver's seat for sure. I feel really, really good since I went in there. I don't know what that means for everyone else. Certainly, the worst thing is imagining their romantic lives with the "leggy models" and everything we can't see, but seeing this raw, everyday situation that he lives in has done me a world of good towards realizing that the other stuff surely is shit too.

#16 Jul 25 - 6AM (Reply to #8)

Used

glad you are where you are helldweller

life with them is an illusion nothing more, b/c they talk the talk they get you to think everyday of there life is great, its such crap but we believe it, if i am to believe exn he had a woman on tap in every other house in town i believed that then not so, i am nearly 10months nc,when i do see him he is just wandering about looking lost,when i mentioned this to a friend, she said this was what you were suppose to believe, to keep you on your toe,s yes i know theres been woman but nothing like he said,ive been to his home once,i left straight awy it was like a dark unlived in tomb, and my own opionion now of why they want us back b/c the life they imagine without us does not exsist, they live in a fantasy world that they get us to buy into, when i finished i imagined him with this woman that woman living the high life, well the reality would appear to be very diffrent, the bottom line is they end up knowing what they have lost with us, but cant let the thought go that they are missing something, good luck.

#17 Jul 25 - 8AM (Reply to #9)

helldweller

used

That was amazing, what you said about them wanting us back because the only life they have is the one they paint for us. When I think about all the yeling and screaming I have done with him over his "glamorous" life, his numerous girlfriends, etc., and how exciting I made his life, how special and fabulous I made him feel . . .

#18 Jul 25 - 9AM (Reply to #10)

Used

helldweller

i cant believe what i bought into ,he used to tell me he has been here been there ,this man is on benifits and at nearly 50, hasent been out of the country either or ever been on holiday, and was apprently turning down woman weekly who wanted to take him on cruises, or all over the globe, i fell 4 that talk and this sad sod actually got himself a passport, which he carries around of proof of identification[ cos he doesnt really exsist does he?, ironiclly i have traveled and have been round the block a few times and still believed him, the bottom line is they can talk the talk and that is all the poor saps do,OMG talk about live and learnx

#19 Jul 24 - 10PM

hitandrun

Don't answer

You are being played.

#20 Jul 24 - 10PM (Reply to #2)

helldweller

hitandrun

Yeah. I feel so in control. It's good.

#21 Jul 25 - 7PM (Reply to #3)

almostlydia

You are in the place I used

You are in the place I used to be when I believed there was more there than there ever really was. I'm so glad you're moving to see the reality of what life would be like and that it would never be what you hoped. Part of it comes from being here and being educated as to the reality. Once you begin to see you just can't ignore it anymore. Good for you. I had to wean myself off of the relationship and it took a long time. That's why I know you have to break your addiction in what way works for you. I'm glad you're still here. I've been away for a day or so and am out of the loop.. But I'm glad you're still here posting. Stay strong. you're getting there in the way that will work for you and that is all that matters. Thinking of you.

almostlydia

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