i did something bad.....

15 posts / 0 new

#1 Aug 3 - 1AM

rainbow1

i did something bad.....

I dont know if i did it because i decided to finally give him what he wanted. or because i wanted him to be left in a state of confusion. or because i wanted to experiment to see how he reacted. or if it was because i thought this would be the thing to finally help me hit rock bottom. ive been so mad at myself that i havent hit rock bottom yet. after everything ive been through i still wasnt there.

whatever the reason is, i slept with him. and i was the one to initate it. i called him and told him a time and a secret spot to meet at. i lied to everyone where i was going. i cant bare to see that disappointed looked in my friends eyes anymore so i lied.

i felt nothing driving there. i felt nothing during the sex. and it was of course dirty dirty sex. i didnt really feel anything right after when he was kissing me and saying hes gotta go to get to sleep for work. or when he said he will try harder while rolling his eyes and leaning back not looking at me. and i didnt feel anything when he said he loved me and got in his car. nope nothing. but the second i got in my car and sped off i started crying. i blocked him from texting me and drove home. my orginal plan was to test to see if he text me more now but the thought of him not texting me at all scares me too much. i blocked him because i dont want to know if he is trying or not. i know he will call in the next few days and i hope i have the strength to ignore. if i dont i hope im still too hurt to answer.

i think all the original reasons i stated for doing it are accomplished now. he got what he wanted. he will be confused that i initated it and then stopped communication. i blocked him so i cant test if he texts more. but most of all i think i hit that rock bottom. and while im sitting here crying in somewhat glad i pushed myself over that edge. sometimes you gotta take one step back to take two steps forward.

#2 Aug 3 - 2PM

Bodhi

Rainbow

I was a hot mess post-break up and I had sex with my exN up to about four months later. It was like I was going through withdrawal from him and couldn't be controlled. However I reached a point where I was done being hurt... but it was definitely a process. You will get there.

#3 Aug 3 - 1PM

rainbow1

I feel surprisingly calm for

I feel surprisingly calm for some reason. He is still blocked and I dont want to unblock him. I dont feel sad really. I dont really feel mad. I feel numb inside. I am so glad that I can come here and admit what I have done to you guys. Anyone else in my life would either be so mad at me or disappointed. I cant stand to look in the eyes of another family member or friend and feel their judgement burning through me. Thank you! _______________________________________________ "dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#4 Aug 3 - 2PM (Reply to #12)

betty2020

My little rainbow girl. You

My little rainbow girl. You have had such a struggle with hitting your bottom. You will know when this hits honey b/c you will be so sick and tired of being used and abused that you will put your foot down and end it. Your eyes will open and you will begin to see everything about him and you. Not what you always wanted to see in your dreams but the reality and the truth of this type of relationship that you are in with him. You are dealing with a pure Narcissist. Every time you have contact with him you leave feeling horrible and one more piece of your self esteem destroyed. Honey, you are setting yourself for a lot of future work on yourself. Once you have made the transition in strict NO contact, you will need to address all of your issue with insecurity and self esteem. thinking about you today..xoxooxox only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#5 Aug 3 - 2PM (Reply to #13)

rainbow1

betty2020

I think that I am getting there. I see the reality. I cant allow myself not to see it. If my thoughts drift to the nice words he has said or if I think of a good memory my brain takes me right back the bad and the reality of the situation. I am just numb. And you are right about I need to work on myself. I have seen many therapists over the years but none have stuck. The issue is that they want to talk about how I got this way. But the issue is that I KNOW WHY! I know why I have the issues that I do and I want to work on breaking the cycle. They all start out examining my past but I have done that process so many times that I know it and I can tell you my past now with no emotion attached to it. It is just like a story that I have memorized. I need to find someone who can spend only a few sessions on that and then help me change my patterns. _______________________________________________ "dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#6 Aug 3 - 10AM

tigger73

I'll give you this rainbow,

I'll give you this rainbow, if you are able to do absolutely NO CONTACT now since your initiation, you are taking control back. BUT, if you give in again, it just starts over, and that is not healthy for you. I was doing so well and in control with no contact until no contact was broke, and until I drove past my house where he is and the new girl was there. Even that, me driving by, I broke no contact and I haven't been stable since. So, I am starting over, and you can too. This is not a healthy relationship for you. Judge it by how you are feeling. Look and feel how you are feeling. Look at the games. It almost becomes an addiction to a drug. Even when my phone vibrates, I used to get an adrenaline rush to see if it was him. This is an abusive ex husband of 10 yrs. WHAT? Why in the hell would I get all excited? It was an addiction of some sort. Some very sick sort. Stay on this message board with us and we'll help you.

#7 Aug 3 - 6AM

Steph

Well, at least you are

Well, at least you are crying now. I think you said you hadn't yet had tears over this. This may just be a good thing. Like you said, maybe you needed to hit rock bottom. I remember after my first D&D, we stayed "friends" and I slept with him a few times - I initiated a few of those and I remember feeling so low afterwards. I feel your pain. This last D&D, I went no contact and as hard as it was, the reward of having my dignity and confidence return was well worth the struggle. It will be worth it for you to. Let this be the finale with him. Go no contact. You CAN do this. Hugs. xoxo

#8 Aug 3 - 4AM

Goldie

Doesn't get any better

Hi Rainbow, I have done this too. I had an old bf where after it was over he just wanted to be fbuddy's. I understand that this guy is telling you different. Watch his actions not his words. After it was over he kept calling me, texting me, ect... trying to get back into my good graces. He would also insult me, implying that all the problems had been my fault. Oh sure, once or twice he admitted some small part. Mostly he blamed me. He would call on my bday, holiday's any excuse. I thought he must still be in love with me. NOT, he was horny pure and simple. Over the course of a year, I had sex with him 5 times and each time it got progressively worse. Because each time he did what your N did, and I would be left in a heap. I swore each time I would not fall for it again. Reached the point where right before the last time he raised the ante. He come to my house and said he realized that he loved me and wanted to be with me. He was going to Iraq and knew I was the one and everything was going to be great. Well it was all BS. He knew that I was done and not going to have sex anymore so he had to come up with more convincing stories each time. He acted like I was the love of his life and he could not live without me. They will say just about anything to get you back on the hook and reel you on in. You are the fish and their lies are the bait. What do we do with the fish we catch? We either eat them or throw them back. We don't love them and cherish them they are fish, we do with them as we please. One of the 5 times I called him. I thought what you did and I was in control and I set the whole thing up somehow in my mind thinking that if I were in control things would somehow be different, better. I went over to his house and he made me leave at 6 in the morning. Somehow in my case it doesn't work that way. I am far too emotional and sensitive to play that role successfully. I still got hurt. He was still in control to run the show and break my heart. The only true way to be in control is NC. That drives them crazy. They cannot stand NC. Once you go and stay NC makes them feel like you never loved them and that maybe you have someone else. Then their sorry minds start racing and they will stop at nothing to get you back. Only to pull the same stuff all over again. So NC is not a way to get them back, however, it is a way to stop the insanity, get on with your own life, and leave in a power position and get your dignity, self respect, and grace back. Whether they are a N or not no one likes to be ignored, makes them crazy, makes them realize they are just not that important anymore and their ego's cannot stand the loss of control. You want to stop this insanity, then go NC NOW. No more, give yourself a chance to heal and eventually meet someone worthy of your love. Someone who will not play you. You have to do the work first, heal, find out what led you to this type of man, and change the pattern. Learn to love yourself, learn to value yourself and learn to accept love from someone who knows how to love. We should call NC Narc Control because nothing is more empowering to a woman than to be done with a fool and not give them the time of day. You will be in my prayers to find the strength within yourself and whatever your spiritual beliefs are, this may be a good time to call on that as well, to begin NC this instant. I understand it is not easy. Enough already he is not good for you. He does not have it to give. He is too immature and self absorbed for your love. God bless, Goldie

#9 Aug 3 - 1PM (Reply to #8)

rainbow1

Goldie

Yes, he has been telling me for the last three weeks that it is not about the sex. He wants me to give him another chance to be together. He said that sex is just a bonus. I told him good because I wasnt having sex with him unless we were together. He would still try every time that I would see him. And he would say that it wasnt about the sex but then would say "cant we just be f-buddies if you dont want to date?" or "just tell yourself that you are over me so I can f your brains out." When I called him out on this and said that it seems like sex is all he wants even though he says it isnt. This was his response to that "maybe I want to have sex with you so that you will want to take me back. it might make you love me again. You never thought about it that way did you?" What an ass! Does he think he is that good in bed that this would make me fall in love with him?! Also I told him that if we have sex I might get more attached, he told me that he wants me more attached to him. Then before we even had sex he told me I was getting too clingy again! He probably thinks now I will be madly in love with him. Hes going to be very surprised when I dont respond to him because he is blocked! These are the reasons I knew it was just about the sex and he was lying: 1. The day before we had plans and he knew I wouldnt have sex with him so he blew me off. This time when I told him we would he met me right on time. 2. Before I even put clothes on he made this comment "wow you kept me up late. I have work in the morning." This comment came from a boy that just came from playing drinking games with the boys, tasted like liquor, and it was only 10:30pm. 3. When I told him that I wanted to talk before he left he said "about what now?! you have 5 minutes." 4. The first thing I said was, "I love you", his response was "yeah I know". 5. When I tried to talk about our couple issues, he said "why do we keep having the same conversation over and over? talking is stupid." 6. When I asked him if he could work on communication he said "I already said yes!" while he was rolling his eyes, leaning back and not looking at me. 7. I said "if you cant let me know and I wont bug you about it anymore" he just said "yeah yeah". 8. He said "ok I gotta go now, I love you bye." He didnt even give me my 5 minutes.

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#10 Aug 3 - 5AM (Reply to #6)

Scoop

Rainbow

Yes no contact is not a quick fix but it is a long lingeringg death . Im 5 months 3 weeks no contact and last night i was asked out to the pub by my friend i said that would be lovely then he text me to say narc was comming too (people know to do this now ) so i said i wasnt well and for him to go and have a boys night and enjoy , the message it sent to the wank stain narc was still a big fat "NO" from me and it felt last night like a big tightening of the screws , like the medievil torture of thumb screws ,i had just turned the screw a bit tighter .That is the best way to describe it . No contact is between me and him and he knows it , and as time goes on way after a time that a normal break up should take for nicities to comence im still saying no and friends will begin to wonder what the hell happened between us and that is where i step in and mention the violence and abuse . I will still be in no contact in 3 years 5 years for ever . Rainbow if you can just put youre head down close youre eyes and grit youre teeth for a couple of months no contact you really will see him in a diffrent light . Its still the only cure , its hard and there where times i thought i was going crazy with no contact but it gets easyer and easyer and dare i say moments like last night where almost enjoyable .

#11 Aug 3 - 7AM (Reply to #7)

wholeagain

NC = control

I agree with what Goldie and Scoop are saying...it was so ironic, I fought for any kind of real control in my relationship and it was when I went NC that I got it. Drove him insane apparently, don't know if it still does but I'd imagine so. I want to see you do this Rainbow. You *can* do this but you're gonna have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps.

#12 Aug 3 - 4AM

Mariline

Ns bring us to do things

Ns bring us to do things that we normally would not do. Sweetie, the only problem here is that : 1. YOU have to think about contraception ( I am 100% sure he does not care) 2. YOU have to think about STD ( because I am 100% sure he does not care either....but you should because he sleeps around and you know that.) Dear we are all intelligent women, all level minded people, but they make us behave in a very stupid way. Sweetie, love yourself, for God's sake. We anyway are here for you. Anytime you want. And noone is judging you. But take care of yourself, of your beautiful self, of your future. Please.

#13 Aug 3 - 12PM (Reply to #4)

rainbow1

Mariline

Yes, I am on birth control but I told him that he had to wear a condom. He tried to get out of it but I told him it wasnt happening unless he did. So he put one on and sometime throughout I noticed that he didnt have it on anymore. When I asked where it went he said "it broke, it ripped, I took it off". I told him to put another one on and he wasnt too happy about this, but did it. I plan on getting tested.

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#14 Aug 3 - 4AM

Happy1

rainbow1

Sometimes we do things we feel are necessary. Maybe that's what you needed to hit rock bottom. I'm sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain. Hugs!

#15 Aug 3 - 3AM

girlfriday

Thanks for sharing that.

Thanks for sharing that. Maybe it's not such a bad thing. Closure comes in many forms, and maybe this was the closure you needed. Keep in mind as you stay strong that you need to be the one to D&D. Because it will feel a whole helluva lot better than when he inevitably does it. Keep us posted.

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