Great Article on DD

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#1 Aug 4 - 7PM

loveofmylife

Great Article on DD

Someone may have posted this before - but I just read it, and it is great. It is about giving up - don't go back because their sadistic little minds love it and they will continue toying with us.

http://elissestuart.wordpress.com/2009/01/15/narcissistic-curtain-calls/

#2 Aug 8 - 5PM

imabloke

It was me...

I read it a few days ago and posted it on the site.. I'm glad that Elisse Stuart is getting credit for such a great article.. So well put - 'curtain calls' - another bit of narc speak. People need to go NC and make it the final curtain call.-

#3 Aug 8 - 3PM

Elisse Stuart

Narcissistic Curtain Calls

ES I am so happy that people are connecting with my post entitled Narcissistic Curtain Calls.

#4 Aug 5 - 12AM

almostlydia

Excellent and exact for me.

Excellent and exact for me. He's still trying yet another 'curtain call'. Will never happen. Thanks for posting this.

almostlydia

#5 Aug 8 - 3PM (Reply to #14)

Used

disappearence

when he used to disappear yet again and people would say to me where has he gone this time, i used to say i dont know elvis has left the building.

#6 Aug 8 - 3PM (Reply to #13)

Elisse Stuart

NCC

ES Leave your seat in the audience before the N returns for another curtain call. The theatre will be dark when he shows up again.

#7 Aug 4 - 10PM

Kelly

So well written

Thanks for posting!

#8 Aug 4 - 10PM

Janet

Great article. Peace. J

Peace. J

#9 Aug 4 - 10PM

Bodhi

Awesome!

Great read... I love the beginning where it talks about how we are unwillingly cast in these shows... I often felt like a passenger on a crazy train and he was the one steering.

#10 Aug 4 - 8PM

Goldie

OMG, that was intense

Hi Loveofmylife, Thank you for sharing that, how eerily accurate. Scary almost to read. Exactly what happened to me. This passage particularly struck a chord in me: "Thatâ€™s why I will say again, â€œDonâ€™t do it.â€ The sadistic delight you will see on the Narcissistâ€™s face will be evident while you try to make everything rightâ€¦..because everything about the Narcissist is wrong." And also the part regarding a warning to you if you are the one to abandon them. Which is what I did. I was older when this all happened to me and not accustomed at that point in my life to being treated like garbage, so I simply told him to leave. Well that is when I came face to face with the devil and it took me a few months to at long last get him out but not before he assaulted me 4 times and 4 times he got arrested and he kept coming back. No one can understand this. They kept telling me to make him leave and I kept saying: do you think I am not trying? He won't leave and he keeps coming back. Well make him leave. What do you want me to do call the police every single day of my life and they all said yes. They were over here so often it was freakish. He simply would not accept that I was the one doing the abandonment on him. Just like the story says, there was hell to pay. He is in jail for at least 6 more months and I have no doubt he will be back. I am so freaked out by this experience. I feel like I was involved with the devil, a stalker, a rage freak, a physical, mental, and spiritual abuser. That story says it all. WOW!! God bless, Goldie

#11 Aug 8 - 3PM (Reply to #8)

Elisse Stuart

NCC

ES Goldie - glad you got out.

#12 Aug 4 - 8PM (Reply to #4)

loveofmylife

abandoning them

My experience was very similar. When I found out he betrayed our entire relationship (using me as chick bait and swearing we never had a relationship), I asked him "to be gone"; I also am 46 and have never been treated like complete trash. I didn't deserve it, and our beautiful (at least I thought is was) relaitonship didn't deserve it. He threw away 23 years for a first time DATE! It made me nautious. Anyway, he was appalled when I asked him to leave. He said no one had EVER done that to him before. And according to this article "We know that generally speaking, it is the N who does the abandoning, not the supply/victim. I would hate to see/or to have experienced what would have happened if I had been the one to abandon the Narcissist. " Well, just like you experienced...when you abandon a KeN, they try desperately to come back....and like the article says, not because they miss us, but to prove to themselves that we will take them back...that they are wanted. After I asked him to go, he probably came back 5 more times for work. Each time, threatening me if I didn't agree to have him come back. Playing mind games. "you need to let me know by 7pm tonight or I will do X instead". And then I find out, there never was an "X". And this last time, I was also the one to force the abandonment. I hate it, because I love him so much, and I know he is a little child inside and the reason he is the way he is is becuase he was emotionally abandoned as a child. But whenever I tried to talk to him about that - he would.....RAGE! So I couldn't help him by talking to him, and I was tired of the abuse and resulting panic attacks....so sadly I must abandon him also, adding to his string of people in his life that he "loved" and cannot trust anymore. It is sooo sad.... especially for a KeN with so much to offer. I can't believe how spot on this article was. Just like it says, 2 months ago I was so excited when he started "idealizing me" again.... but like the article says, he wasn't coming back for reconciliation, he was coming back to twist the knife again.

#13 Aug 4 - 9PM (Reply to #5)

Goldie

Exactly!!!

Hi Loveofmylife, I have so related to so much of what you have said oh here. I loved my N/P with all of my heart, clearly in a way like I had loved no other. When he was a little boy his mother left him and he was raised by his stern father and abusive step mother. He never got over the loss of his mother and saw things no child should ever have to see. Very pathetic story and he was the love of my life. It tore me up inside going NC cause I know that even though he is a N/P is was still reinforcement for all of his abandonment issues. I did it for me not him. God has better things in store for me. Was it easy, hell no, the most difficult thing I ever did, cuz he still wanted to be with me and I still wanted to be with him. Sometimes in life as you know, the most difficult things we ever do are not what we want to do but what we know on some higher, spiritual level are best for all involved. Even though our time together was brief, I let him in to my heart like no other. What concerns me about people like us and I hear this in what you post. We get caught up in the understanding, tragedy, and sorrow over what happened to them and this is what needs to stop for both of us. Yes he was abused and yes it was sad, however, that does not give anyone license to make OUR lives a living hell. You strike me as an extremely loving, caring, soul and this is all well and good but the truth of the matter is that you were not the one who abused him. This all happened long before we came along and it is not our penance to pay the price for what others did. The sad truth is that the damage has been done and no power on earth is going to heal this. We need to cut our loses and move on. This is all easy for me to say, I was not with mine for over 20 years as were you and I do not profess for one second to know what that is like for you, however, I do ask that you as least consider the notion that there may be life for you after NARC that does not include NARC. My prayer to you sweet Loveofmylife is HOPE for the future. You are in my prayers today and always. God bless, Goldie

#14 Aug 5 - 12AM (Reply to #6)

loveofmylife

Reinforcement of Abandonment

Yeah, I hate that part the most. His father was awful to him, he says that his xwife abandoned him for 6 years and he had his 2 little kids alone (not sure anymore what to believe) and said he has major trust issues. He has told me for our entire relationship that he trusts me more than anyone - that he feels very comfortable and safe with me (which is why he wanted us to work together - he wanted to feel safe at work)....and then I jerked the rug out from under him twice - it was pretty rough. So now he tells me that he can no longer trust me and never wants any kind of relationship with me again.. I know that that can never be repaired. And i just hate that our trust has been broken - and like you say reinforcement a lifetime of abandonment issues. I do hope God has a better plan for me....at least now I feel like I can listen to God more. But I did spend many, many hours with hard-core atheist KeN and bought him "in search of the creator" and other books so that we could discuss it on an intellectual level. Sometimes I thought that maybe that is why I came into his life - but he never budged. And now I've probably made it worse after abandoning him. When you say "you are not the one that abused him"....this is the thing I struggle with. If you were to talk to him, he would tell you how caring, considerate and supportive he was of me; that he would do anything for me...and he did. He would tell you that he was always my #1 Cheerleader and paved the way for me in many ways...fixed problems for me with bankers, lawyers. But he would tell you that I undermined his authority at work (which was mainly due to a difference in our mgt styles - obviously none of it was intentional and I would have never done anything to hurt him because I've never loved anyone like that). He would tell you that he continually asked me to keep the personal stuff out of the work environment and that I didn't and it made him uncomfortable and that I brought "drama" into the workplace because I allowed my "personal hurt" to enter the workplace (a very German attitude). So I keep thinking that this is not a black and white situation. I know that his ego was hurt pretty badly; the owner terminated him and gave me his job (and I didn't turn it down because the DD and betrayal had already started, so it seemed there was nothing left to salvage anyway). He knows that I read his email and he still tried to fix our relationship. So in the back of my mind I still obsess over "if we didn't put ourselves into a direct working relationship where he was my manager, would this have still happened, or not". "could we be happily together if this never happened"... Ugghhh.

#15 Aug 8 - 5PM (Reply to #7)

Susan32

Abandonment

You mentioned how you discussed God with your KeN. Same here. My ex-P was always freaked out by belief in the resurrection of the body, for some reason. He was always disconnected from his body (hence cerebral instead of somatic, could explain why his looks declined so steeply over 4 years) My ex-P was (and still is) into writing about religion&Wittgenstein... and as one of my friends at the time said "he's using religion as a cover because he's evil." Religion gave him a patina of righteousness. I thought God had put me into my ex-P's life to bring him to Jesus. I really saw myself as a missionary. I tried to bring religion into his life... and he mocked it. Then he pretended to take it seriously. We used to have serious conversations about religion (after stonewalling me on philosophy) Then I abandoned him... and I've become a rather successful published writer on religious subjects (yes, my success is a known fact among my ex-P AND his colleagues,I've sent them many of my articles) I'll use an inspirational quote from Monty Python and the Holy Grail- "I'm not dead yet!"

#16 Aug 4 - 8PM

loveofmylife

Wearing out the N

After reading this article, it mentioned that the most tiresome thing for an N is cultivating new supply. I can't imagine what KeN is going through right now.... we have spent 20+ years super close friendship, 1 1/2 years of working together 8 hours/day and then emailing/texting/ calling about another 20 times/day. He definitely has a huge black hole (time wise) that I once filled. I have probably filled 10 hours of his day for years! Can't imagine how much time it takes to weed through dozens of new women on match.com to find one that would be the perfect victim. I guess the part I hate is that he is so gorgeous, charming, fun, intelligent, etc - that tons of women will be after him - again. No wonder he spends so much time OUT of work - it must be hard to prioritize job hunting when you have to comb through dozens and dozens of women every day to find just the right one! (guess that is why it was so beautiful continually coming back to me for work - I could give him supply and could eliminate all of the job hunting time so that he had more time for Barbie shopping) And here I sit still crying every day - I miss him so much - my closest emotional connection....and I'm sure he has not thought about me for 1 minute while shopping for Barbies; except for cursing me for being so CRUEL in turning him down for more work. I can't imagine the fodder he has now to use with his new Barbies - the part I hate the most is him using me as chick bait.

#17 Aug 4 - 8PM

Susan32

When a teacher discards a student...

Excellent article. Those posts were wrenching to read. One of the posts was very apt about Ns targeting intellectual extroverts. My ex-Psychopath professor (a Narcissist recognizes only his own humanity, a Psychopath thinks he's a god) targeted several young male students as disciples for his monologues. He'd stride proudly to and fro as they wore their wife beaters, smoking cigarettes. One of his young male followers moved to the Pacific Northwest, changed his name, and is into music instead of philosophy. (My ex-P was this young man's senior essay advisor) I guess I should consider it a miracle of sorts that I'm still writing, and about religion, no less. It is devastating when a teacher D&Ds a student, because students EXPECT validation, honesty, and respect from their teachers.

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