How Long Does It Take?

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#1 Sep 17 - 11AM

better off

How Long Does It Take?

Apologies in advance for not posting lots of links, but I don't have time right now!!

There seems to have been a lot of discussion about how long it takes, or why am I crying, or why am I still upset? Some of you say this after counting literally only DAYS of no contact.

This is not a normal breakup. This is serious. This is emotional rape. And even if the relationship was short, it was probably intense, and the ending (and hopefully it HAS ended) has left you questioning yourself, reality, human nature, God, you name it. If the relationship was long, then there is that much more to deprogram. And you ARE dealing with an actual physcial withdrawal process as well. Loveofmylife for example, you feel numb and like a shell after two months... you counted on this guy for 23 years. I don't think two months sounds that long. :-/ It sucks, yes. But it's normal.

Basically, there are qualified expert opinions on this that agree that you can expect it to take 18 MONTHS to really get over the effects, to expunge your grief, to be back to "regular." Some people have experienced a lifelong battle with narcissists and maybe life has NEVER been normal.. this is your golden opportunity to build a new and healthy life.

But it TAKES TIME. The only way out is through. My own experience is that after 18 months, I do feel more like my "real self." And it's not a simple uphill climb out of the valley, it's a road that goes up and down, all while gradually leading UP and OUT, but only if you stay NC. Don't be afraid to feel the pain. Avoiding it will lead you in many different and WRONG directions... trying to avoid pain may have led you right into the arms of the narcissist you are now trying to heal from!

NARCS will do anything to avoid pain, find any new relationship, or porn, or supply of any kind to avoid themselves and feel no pain. I suppose I could have done the same, I could have found some other guy to run to, like he did,and make me feel good for a while, until that wore off too. But I am NOT like him, and I had to be still and face the emotions and LEARN from them (something else a narc cannot do).

But it TAKES TIME. I can hear some of you now, protesting, saying, but I'm 29! I'm 35! I'm 42! I'm 58! I don't have time!!! YES, YOU DO. I would venture to guess that each of you is worth spending time with. :o) So spend some time with yourself. And a good therapist, lol. But as a very wise person named Julia Cameron said, about starting new endeavors... she said someone always says, but I can't (for example) learn to play piano... do you know how old I'll be when I'm finished?! And she says, the same age you'll be if you don't.

So if you're saying I can't "wait" 18 months to get over this, do you know how old I'll be after that? The same age you'll be if you pound the floor and say I want to feel better NOW for the same amount of time. Just go with it.

I'm not saying you're going to feel like garbage for 18 months, but I'm saying it will take 18 months of ups and downs to feel normal again. I am at 19 months, and truthfully, the only reason I am on this board is to try to help some people and let them know it does get better. I actually plan to be around less, because I don't even WANT to think about this anymore. I want to live my life fully and free. And I know it's a sign of my recovery that I don't feel like I have to stay anyway and give more than I feel comfortable with because someone might want me to. I will give as much as is healthy for ME to give, and step away when I feel like that's what I need.

Thanks for reading...

#2 Sep 18 - 12PM

lisalisa47

What you say strikes a cord

You are wise. AND it's like when the doctor tells you have cancer (going thru all the stages of acceptance - grief, denial, bargaining and back again) I realized the other day that since high school, my long relationships have all been with NARCS - going from light, medium to SUPER DUTY (the last one). I realize that I guess i was trying to avoid feeling empty and the pain of feeling empty. Maybe that is the symbiotic (so to speak) way the Narc and co depedent "need" each other. LML

LML

#3 Sep 18 - 12AM

loveofmylife

Betteroff

wow - I'm so honored to call you my "sponsor" :)

#4 Sep 17 - 8PM

faithinthefuture

Been wondering

where you've been. When I first came on I read so many of your posts. they helped me a great deal. As this one has. I've only been NC for almost 6 months & do have days when I come on here and read and just dont want to because it's too painful. But also realize I need it to understand what the hell happened with the N. and I need to face the pain and not be so hard on myself for thinking I should be over such an asshole by now. But this post I need just as much. Even more. I need that encouragment and hope. I do believe one day I will heal and I will feel normal again. I don't want to dwell on this forever and not move on and up! And to read your words that I'm not giving myself false hope makes my heart soo happy. And the best thing you said is that you don't have to give more than what you're comfortable with. That my dear is an amazing statement from where you once were to where you are now! That made me smile! :-) I am so happy for you better off! We are all better off because of you! God Bless & Thank You

#5 Sep 17 - 8PM

hooklineandsinker

Full of rage

I feel very blessed that mine only had me for 8 months. I am now NC for three weeks, but even before then contact was sporadic, by text only, and not overtly aggressive/abusive. I feel I have had a very easy "let down" compared to some of the women/heroines on here. But even having said all that: I have just arrived home from a night on the town with a very good male friend/collleague (most emphatically NOT a narc, and not anyone I am interested in - although god knows when THAT particular impulse is going to return - I admitted to my male friend tonight that I feel so asexual at the moment and I have no idea when I will feel like an actual woman again) where we were enjoying each other's company, having a few drinks, etc etc. I have had four cosmopolitans and one gin and tonic. I am not drunk but neither am I 100% sober. I get home to my empty apartment (AGAIN) and instead of being content and happy after a pleasant night of socialising, I immediately find myself full of rage. I am so ANGRY that I am coming home yet again to an empty apartment, rather than to a loving husband and a couple of adorable kids. I am so ANGRY that that fucker, the N, told me all these things so sincerely, made me believe that all I had ever wanted was now actually coming to pass, and failed to follow through on ANYTHING, in fact didn't love me enough to follow through. I HATE him for that. I HATE his glib lies about our future, about how much I supposedly meant to him. I HATE him for being so cavalier with my feelings. I HATE him for so quickly trading me in without a second thought. I also hate God for allowing someone like that to come into my life at such a critical juncture - ie age 42: I have been praying for literally YEARS for God to send me my husband - a man who is reliable, considerate, loving and RIGHT for me, and who wants long-term commitment in common with me. Not only does God NOT do that, but instead he allows this manipulative, lying, mentally ill &$!% to come into my life and empty out my heart. I swear, sometimes I am so angry I could DESTROY something. Why could all this stupid shit not have happened to me when I was 25 and still had years to get over it? Why does it have to happen NOW, when I am at a critical juncture in my fertility? If there is a god, I HATE him/her with all my heart for leaving me in this situation. Sometimes I literally just don't know what to do with the anger. And of course the N is completely absent so I am left with all these feelings to process by myself. If only I could wave a magic wand and transfer ALL of them, in ALL their intensity, onto him where they belong. Full of despair and rage tonight. Sorry for ranting.

#6 Sep 17 - 8PM (Reply to #6)

michele115 (not verified)

Funsize

Sorry you're having a rough night. I'm not as mad at God right now as you are, but I do understand your point...I'm 42 also. What I thought about though was I am not angry at God. I am not a religious fanatic, but I have faith. God can't send me an e-mail or a text to tell me when the shit is gonna hit. He can only protect me. When I met my Narc, God couldn't call me up and say, Hey Michele, he's an asshole, dump the chump...RUN. But, he gave me gifts of intuition. He also knew I had been denying a lot of pain from my past, childhood and otherwise, and I developed into this people pleaser who MAYBE, was molded into putting others needs before my own and wanting to "rescue" others because somehow, that took the focus off of me. YUP...he knew that for sure even when I didn't. I am hoping that one day GOD will get a cellphone or at least a computer so he can send me an email, but until then, I have to rely on the gift of intuition he gave me. I have to be open enough to him, and pray to him, and try to understand why in my most desperate time of need, it seems he's taken all my friends and given them a load of things to do leaving them essentially one hundred percent un available. One night, feeling very emotional and very desperate, I called like twenty friends...NOT ONE was home, available or answered. I started getting paranoid...LOL. It was hard. Alone, lonely, lost in the wilderness, no one to talk to...OH GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?...AND he still did not answer me. BUT, I woke up the next morning, there were no major catastrophies, still breathing...nothing changed. What has changed over time under this situation, is that I am learning, that I have to stand on my own two feet. That at this time for whatever reason, I am not even going to be handed a crutch...except for say this board, which has been a GOD send. There will be no distractions to HELP ME avoid what needs to be done, to put on a shelf for a rainy day, for ten years from now, I am being forced to live in the reality of what life is. I am being forced to grow, kicking and screaming. I am being forced to examine myself and learn my true worth and value. IF we were really where we needed to be, I think our bullshit radar detectors would have gone off ions ago. For some reason, we ignored the signs...THEY WERE THERE. We just weren't aware. SO...there is a season for everything, and this is the season GOD has decided it is our task to reflect upon ourselves in a healthy way so that we can reach our fullest potential. Water seeps its own level. I believe dysfunction attracts dysfunction, and although we are not as flawed, there were some flaws inside of ourselves that led us down this path. NOW...do we learn from this or do we blame GOD?...every dark moment I've had, during the struggle, God was nowhere around...once I got around the bend, I saw how I was protected and came out on top. Read the poem footprints. I know you're in a foul mood and it sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Feel your feelings tonight, drink a lot of water to flush out the booze so you are not hung over tomorrow and keep on keeping on. This moment is a minor setback. You do have the power and God loves you, or else the fucker would still be in your life today...He's not!...Search for the meaning of the lesson.

#7 Sep 18 - 10AM (Reply to #9)

gettinbetter

on the subject of God. I

on the subject of God. I think he puts things,people,and events that he wants us to learn from. In my case I was with the N in my twenties and he broke my heart. I truly never got over it. I never knew of Narcissism. A couple of years after the break up he brought a man into my life. Funny thing is he really wasnt my type but I agreed to go on a date with him since I had nothing else to do. Long story short we fell in love immediately and married in the same year that we met. We are still married Thank God! so now 15 years later im 42 and the N is back. Until a few months of ago I still knew nothing of Narcissism. When the popped back into my life via fb his seduction of me start slowly. He started with apologizing for the hurt he caused me and telling me that he had infact loved me. I began to find hard to resist his charm and he began making trips here to see me. He made me believe that he wanted us to have a life together the one we should have had long ago. He told me he wanted me and my child with him and even said "I look at your pictures and think thats MY family" He said he had nothing against my husband but that He (the N) had loved me first. Now I think back spoken like a child that didnt like seeing another kid playing with and enjoying on of his old toys. Anyway the first few months were heaven and then the withdrawl started to begin. Anyway I began to think WHY? WHY GOD would you allow this to happen to me again. No one should have to go thru this twice? but what I realized is he allowed it to happen so I would learn and know about Narcissism so that I could understand and heal from the first time as I never had. I think in a strange way this was his way of giving me closure as to what had happened all those years ago. His way of telling me "It wasnt you" In your cases ladies you can view this experience as an education you know how to indentify these people. It wont happen to you twice.

#8 Sep 18 - 7AM (Reply to #8)

neverlookback

OH GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?.

I dont think it is God that has forsaken us, it was the NARC. I too have asked him why did you allow this person to cross my path, WHY WHY WHY. I know as I heal I ask God to please help me I will do the work but please at least guide me through this awful experience, give me hope open another door for me that is good and I will open it. Maybe God was testing me and if he did boy did I fail, but I dont believe that we as victims needed to learn this lesson, nobody needs to learn what its like to be emotionally raped and betrayed. Maybe its up to us now as victims to pull ourselves up and move on and maybe that is all GOD wants us to do. It states in the bible I will never leave you and I will never forsake you, and I believe he HAS been with us the entire time. However, I am having a hard time praying for my enemies and for those that have wronged me that will take some time.

#9 Sep 17 - 8PM (Reply to #7)

Susan32

Belief in God

I remember after the D&D, a friend of mine (who's very religious) asked me if I still believed in God. I said an emphatic YES. That's why I would NOT kill myself for the ex-P. He wasn't worth it. I'd die for my faith... but NOT for the ex-P. God doesn't take suffering out of our lives, but gives us the means to DEAL with them. He doesn't give us any trials we can't handle. He's there. The ex-P expected me to renounce my Catholic faith for him. I NEVER did. I still went to church every Sunday;I'd go to Lenten soup suppers with my friends. During the D&D, I'd go to a chapel nearby and just WEEP. It was a SAFE place. God didn't judge me for crying. He was there. He didn't condemn my feelings;He didn't condemn me for falling in love. The ex-P wrote about religion, but I believe in LIVING it. It kept me ALIVE. Without my faith, honestly, I would NOT BE HERE. If I lacked faith, I probably wouldn't be on this board. I probably wouldn't be here. At all.

#10 Sep 17 - 7PM

anonymous

You give us all hope

You have no idea how much your insights have contributed to my healing. We all really, really appreiciate it. And I for one appreciate you hanging around to give your great advice but also understand why you will one day reach the point where there's nothing left for you to contribute on this topic.

#11 Sep 17 - 7PM

michele115 (not verified)

BETTEROFF

Thank you for sharing!

#12 Sep 17 - 12PM

Used

getting there

you do get stronger , i feel stronger every day even when i see them accidently[ yeah right] but today not so good, saw him, and tho there was no feeling of wanting to be with him or go back, today it did spoil my day, but i think it was more b/c i thought what did i ever see in him, plus i have been seen with this lowlife, i personally think i wont ever realy relax with these 2 b/c on a day when i am not concentrating, will be the day i react, even if its f..k off. i dont want to aknowlege their exsistence in any way, they are both dead to me. i wish.

#13 Sep 17 - 12PM

alma25

better off

Great post. Thank you a lot. I totally agree with you. I am now at 14 months and it is better, it really gets better. But there are ups and downs and even when you feel: wow, it's better, you have to be ready that the weak, worse moment may come but every single day we become stronger and we feel better. It's a hard work to do and a hard time but it's the work that must be done.Simply.Must. If we do it now we have the rest of our life just to live it, if not there is a big risk that for the rest of our life we'll have to deal with our past. One more quote from Julia Cameron that I like "Growth is an erratic forward movement: two steps forward, one step back. Remember that and be very gentle with yourself." Patience is the only solution.

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