I need your knowledge

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#1 Jul 17 - 8PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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I need your knowledge

many have advised me to not try and figure out the lies from the truth with the pathological to just move on and stick with the NO CONTACT and I am trying so hard to stick to that advise but as you all know easier said than done. Mine always said he had a girlfriend, and I often wondered just what role she really played in his life, I do know he was very discrete and went to great lengths so she didnt suspect. In the past few months of our contact which was minimal he has been inviting me to stay at his house with his girlfriend that his girlfriend has been wanting to meet me for a wild time, mmmmmmm I find that odd then again maybe the girlfriend and him have a open relationship and they swing who the hell knows. I have also had invitations that my husband and I should go on vacations with them and we could trade partners, maybe all of this is true, and that is what he does with his girlfriend. Maybe its a set up with someone he has lined up but not his actual girlfriend, I wish I knew and then again if I knew would it really matter? I think not because its all so twisted anyway.
I find it interesting in the two some years how it all evolved to this in the end. In the beginning he represented himself to be everything I ever wanted, his relationship with his girlfriend was so-so and bla bla now two years later the girlfriend is still living with him off and on so he says and now he wants the three of us to share his bed, and how his girlfriend would just love me. And the excuses I would hear, cant see you then because Diane will be with me, she's over here alot you know like glue he would say. I have also heard this great line, "If I wasnt in a current relationship I would steal you from your husband in a minute", Now dont despair I havent seen him for over 6 months (so give me a little credit) but I really wonder if the whole girlfriend line is just a set up I think there are lots of Dianes in his life. These people dont have REAL GIRLFRIENDS, OR REAL MARRIAGES, OR REAL ANYTHING, it may appear they do to others but in reality its probably not a girlfriend but more another victim he just strings along and uses. So what is your vote wise ones, is the girlfriend his swinging partner? or is the girlfriend completely fooled and just used as a front? The little pretend wife that cooks for him, escorts him to events, does she sit around and adore him and pray that one day he will marry her? Many of you I am sure have been in that girlfriends shoes, I wonder what the other side is REALLY like? As I said b-4 I have not seen him for 6 months, during that time I have worked on healing myself, trying to get the NO CONTACT established, (I once made it for three weeks), he was not a happy camper either... ) I was sooo brainwashed by this man, my counselor once told me you are in boot camp training, he is training you to behave for him, just as he does his champion dogs and he will reward you with biscuits if you behave yourself. Oh ya mine LOVES HIS DOGS, he claims they are worth about 20K each champion blood line and all, he hunts with them starting oct - deer season these dogs are so trained that when one steps off a matt, they will literally walk backwards when he tells them to get back on the matt, 4 golden retrievers, he walks in the room and they stand at attention. Well enough of dogs, I just have my little sheltie named Herbie who licks me to death. He can say "my feet are cold" and his dogs jump on the bed (when allowed) and sits on them to warm them. mmmmmm now that is some real training. Wonder if he trains his victims like that too... I cant get past how GOOD LOOKING he is, it appears he has it all, wealth, brains, charm, such a devoted son to his mother (puke) HATES his father who has his own place in the basement of his new $$$$$$$ home he built, his father is not well. Says he will have to take care of the "f---ing idot until he dies". Nice son huh? So Daddy lives in the basement while the son has the quarters upstairs with all the live in girlfriends and whatever else he does in his new Italian marble hot-tub, FOUR stall garages, one for his hunting equip, one heated just for his dogs, one for his truck and car and one for his boat, he lives in the lap of luxury with no conscience, and no remorse, never married, no children, never supported a wife or family. He once told me he wishes he could get me pregnant, ha ha I told him now how could you do that when you have been snipped, he didnt like that response because it was the truth. Just what the world needs a millionaire narcissist. The money doesnt impress me much because I came from wealth, but he sure uses it to impress others, that was not how I was raised. I guess my point being in the end we can only take with us what we gave to the world, this man only gives to himself and cons and takes from others and sits back and says, LOOK WHAT I HAVE and in reality he really has nothing but a false life. And just think, the girlfriend could have it all someday,

Jul 19 - 1AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cinn

Yes I did comply - because of the hypnosis and brainwashing. Please read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS to see how he (and others) did it. https://www.e-junkie.com/ecom/gb.php?ii=171497&c=cart&aff=21165&ejc=2 There was no one key element. It took me 4 years to fully get back to some semblance of normal from the 23 months of abuse and psychopathic manipulation. Here's what helped me... in no particular order - journaling (I kept and still keep a private, online diary about my feelings - no matter how screwed up they are) - reading everything I could get my hands on about narcissism and psychopathy (except Vaknin's stuff which left me more confused than ever) - therapy (for a while I was going twice a week. Being totally honest with her and even sharing some of my journals helped me 'get it out of my head' and gave it 'air' which helped put it all in perspective) - clinic - my PTSD (which I'd had my whole life starting with NMother and loads of Ns and Ps in my life - I was in serious denial) got so bad I couldn't function, my disability doctor made me enter an in-patient program. I stayed almost 2 weeks while I rested, had intensive therapy most days and my anti-depressant was adjusted. - eventually I told my story(just what happened with Psycho-Boy), in detail, to one website that educates others about psychopathy. It was very validating and I got a lot of support from strangers; which believe it or not, did help a whole lot. http://cyberpathlinks.blogspot.com/2007/06/j-aka-gridney-aka-yidwithlid-aka-sammy.html - the police involvement made things a lot worse for me but, overall - I am glad I went to them as they verified a lot of things; making it impossible for Psycho-Boy to lie and spin permanently (which he did and continues to do anyway). - when the narcissistic rage from Psycho-Boy started and he got his 'friends' and family to help him... I put up a blog, quietly, with all the publishable facts I could and some articles about psychopathy http://thestumblingblock.wordpress.com - I started keeping RAZOR SHARP boundaries and stopped feeling bad about saying No or telling people they'd hurt me. I divorced my exNH, moved out with my children and catered to them and me ONLY. I stopped worrying about everyone's opinion of me too. - gardening. I like to garden when I am physically able. I take my radio outside with me and clip, yank weeds and plant flowers & veggies. I find during it I think of nothing else. It took time and work. Sandra Brown's Institute really really helped validate and educate me as well. you are NOT a fool - YOU WERE A TARGET!!!! How do I see him now? My exNH? I feel nothing but annoyance... like one does for a mosquito... Psycho-Boy? My feelings are more complex. He disgusts me. He's smart & talented and has squandered it with his relentless sex addiction and selfishness using and abusing others - particularly women & his own family. He tends to live off his wife like a parasite; and she allows it. I'd be lying if I said I didn't still care about him - which is exactly why I exposed him; so he couldn't hurt others and himself anymore. I feel NO SYMPATHY for him. He knows by now what he's done and doesn't care - preferring to play victim and blame me for all of it. And anger - I deserve an apology and I know that now... over 5 years later when I am not influenced by him nor could I ever be - he should do some face time with me and explain himself. Accountability. But I would not have been ready to do that earlier. And since that will never happen because he's incapable I maintain NO CONTACT!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 17 - 9PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cin

You simply CAN'T figure out the lies from the truth. Because they BELIEVE their own lies and live in another reality as well as lying on the fly constantly. It's not possible for a normal person to fathom. stay in therapy - read Lisa's book, read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS. who CARES how good looking he is? in the Bible, God thought the Devil was the best looking, most beautiful Angel in heaven. Yes. That's right. Do you think evil is ugly? If it really wanted to destroy you, would it be ugly when it came to you? NO CONTACT. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 17 - 10PM (Reply to #9)
cin (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

barbara

I read your story a few times, you most certainly endured a horrific amount of abuse from your experience. You advise everyone NO CONTACT and this removes us from their realm of influence. Its the advise my counselor always told me, CUT IT OFF, SEVER IT, CUT THE CORD COMPLETELY and it sends a message that you now are the one in control and its the only way to get control of a bad situation. I was told it would be a little uncomfortable at first but at least I would have a constant in my life, things would get better slowly vs nothing improving month after month and to give it a chance but only going no contact is the only way you can get mentally healthy again, its like when you quit smoking, you cant just have one puff now and then. Life will return to normal and recovery is possible but only with NO CONTACT. So say goodbye to the dream that turned into a nightmare that turned into shame, I fold in the cards and walk away from the table. Evil does disguise itself, it always does and I am not walking away from love - I lost so much from all this I hope I can get myself back.. and see hope again I hate to admit defeat
Jul 17 - 10PM (Reply to #10)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cin - similar

I will tell you, since my situation with exNH and Psycho-Boy was very similar to yours - you need to get away from BOTH of them. get WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS (it's not available in bookstores) https://www.e-junkie.com/ecom/gb.php?ii=171497&c=cart&aff=21165&ejc=2 it will help you TREMENDOUSLY! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 18 - 4PM (Reply to #13)
cinn (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

just wondering barbara

during your experience did you ever comply to his weird sexual things/ its personal if you dont wish to say, a simple yes or no would sufficient, I think when i read your story you did. Your situation was very similar to mine, you see this situation is a no win situation for if I did participate in all that I would still get discarded in the end, and what was the key element that got you thru the other side? I know the book will help me I want to reach a point like renew-d told me that you need to focus on yourself and then what he does with whom wont matter to you anymore because you simply wont care, I am working on releasing thoughts of him in my mind. How do you view him now that you have deprogrammed? I have to hand it to you what you endured and the strength it took to save yourself, he sounds like mine, mine left me in a hotel after about 4 hours and said I would stay but does it really matter, I need to go home and get some good sleep, oh gee thanks alot how thoughtful of you to consider anyone else but yourself, what a selfish prick, he left me crying sitting on the bed and he drove off. We each have to do our own work to recover nobody can do it for us I think maybe one day it just clicks and you look at them as disgusting creeps who you wouldnt give the time of day to, you forget the dream, the perfect partner you thought they were because all the horrible things they did to you wipes all that out, Ted Bundy was good looking to but would you want to try and win his love, not if you didnt want to end up dead. So with no contact they just go away, they wont like it but once you reach the point of no return you never look back - the always have reserve but I do know it ticks them off when they lose one but who cares. I cant wait to get my book.
Jul 18 - 8AM (Reply to #11)
cinn (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

barbara &renew-d

i was so upset last night it seem while all my counseling revealed some issues personally i needed to correct it didnt do much in other respects, a pattern of picking men who control and abuse, i will get the book. i want u to know renew-d that after our first encounter i quit eating for 2 months lost 25 pounds and suffered ptss, that told me i was a person of ethics and that what I had done went against the grain of my character, I am NOT a cheater but I guess it took a smooth talking fast walking psycho to make me believe all the crap. I was so desperate to be loved and feel love that when he entered my life I thought it would be a chance for happiness and I should have known better you cant look to any man for that, but he was SOOOOO convincing. Its ok apology accepted I have to remember too that many are going to frown on what I did, but I felt so UNLOVED for so many years with my husband I felt dead inside especially after my parents died 4 months apart, it was just a mixture of everything that hit me all at once, I am an only child and when I lost my parents and took a look at what I had left, A HORRIBLY ABUSIVE HUSBAND I was soo lost and alone, this man reached out to me and was so kind and soft spoken and gentle and you know the rest. Your right you dont know what I have endured that lead up to why I would stray, I was called dumb fuck, fat fuck stupid fuck, he would tell me he couldnt have sex with me because I was too fat (size 10-12) oh I guess its because I had some cellulite and didnt have the body of a victoria secret model who knows) I was once a devoted, loving, faithful, wife and I did EVERYTHING for my husband but it was never enough. I realize now he kept me feeling insecure about myself so he could control me, I was never any of those things. So you can imagine when the freak showed his true colors to me I was dealing with a double whammy of unhealthy men at the same time trying to come to grips with what the hell is wrong with me that men treat me this way, one treated me like a whore and my husband treated me like a prison wife to serve his needs. I should have left the husband years ago but my self esteem was beaten so low that NO instead I do the worst thing I could have done to myself I put my faith, love and trust into the hands of a wolf in sheeps clothing, and again I was betrayed, and abused. But at some time I have to stop with the woe is me and step up to the plate, while none of this was my fault I do have to take responsibility for why I allowed it to happen and as you said that is done by self examination in why I choose unhealthy partners. Get off the crazy bus and stop this cycle or my life will be nothing but misery. Where it left off last with psycho man was pretty much clear, he didnt want to see me again unless I pretty much was willing to see him and his girlfriend (thats what he calls her) together, all three of us in a nice intimate way, he went from the perfect soul mate to that in the end, nice huh? All the charm, the flattery, the empty promises was all to gain my trust for what his real agenda was for me. yes indeed I lost alot I gave up 23 years of fidelity for that piece of shit who nearly destroyed me. I have paid dearly for it all, but he will never pay for his evil life but I also know that one day I can be happy again and he will always live in his empty life never feeling or experiencing love for another human. I would much rather feel the pain that I am in now than to not feel anything at all for the rest of my life.
Jul 18 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cin

another great book for anyone considering dating in the FUTURE? How to Spot A Dangerous Man. (it has a workbook too) http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/dangerous-man-gift-pack ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 17 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
RenewD
RenewD's picture

Cin

YOU'RE MARRIED??? Um..who cares wtf the boyfriend is doing. Go back to your husband?? Or get out of that first??!
Jul 17 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
RenewD
RenewD's picture

AFFAIR

I'm sorry, I just can't wrap my mind around your problem with this... I was with my exNH for almost 20 years. I NEVER had an affair and was true to the end... Most of us have problems here with bf's and husbands who are N's HAVING affairs. You're in the position where, you were the other woman possibly....at very least, you were married and involved with an N on the side?? I have a hard time saying I would have any pity for you and your frustrations when you never belonged being involved with another man in the first place. Sorry...
Jul 17 - 10PM (Reply to #8)
cin (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

i dont believe that

i dont believe that Nboyfriends or husbands just have affairs with married women, making us the "other woman", and for the record in 23 years I never strayed either there were many events that lead up to this, - this is a site for support not judgment - that is the last thing any of us need - so I remove myself from this site I wish you all the best
Jul 17 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
cin (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

wish it were that easy

thats how I got snagged into this whole mess, my husband has been abusive to me and mr wonderful came along, then I truly found out the meaning of abuse. Well like I said I havent seen him for over 6 months and yes I have been trying to focus on my marriage to see if it can be salvaged along with personal counseling. While I dont excuse myself for such a mistake I also know I was targeted by this man I was ripe pickings unhappy married woman, they love that. I have read many married women fall victim to this, but I have certainly paid dearly for it
Jul 17 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
RenewD
RenewD's picture

Then you need to get Women

Then you need to get Women Who Love Psychopaths and read it, and stop doing this to yourself. It's not the men that are the problem, it's the attitude you have about yourself that you get involved with the men that are bad for you... Get out of your marriage and stand on your own. It'll do wonders for your self esteem! And don't rely on a man to take you out of the situation your in ever again. They're not good for that, none of them.
Jul 17 - 10PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

RenewD - affairs

hold on a second... do you remember that I was still MARRIED (but estranged) from my exNH when Psycho-Boy came into my life? This happens more than you think. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 17 - 10PM (Reply to #6)
RenewD
RenewD's picture

Affairs...

Barbara, You're right. And Cin, I'm sorry... I got tied up emotionally and reacted wrong. But, Cin, Barbara is right, you need to get away from BOTH men. Figure yourself out....love YOU. I know sometimes it's hard to face walking away on your own. I don't know your situation, but I can imagine it's scary. The most important thing here is that you find out who you are, and why you get involved with men who are not healthy for you...and change that within yourself. Then, what these guys do and why, won't matter to you anymore. You will know who you are and what you won't allow others to do with you. THAT is where you need to be focusing... Again I'm sorry. I reacted. I shouldn't have... Good luck to you, and please get the book Women Who Love Psychopaths...you'll learn so much about yourself...