A Question for the Veterans

I am in isolation...my choice in the words of Greta Garbo...I vant to be alone... I am disabled with Fibro/CFS and therefore, my funds are limited and sometimes I don't have the energy to do something really ambitious. I really don't have anywhere to go or anything I rather fancy. Early on, I had some issues with anxiety; however, I note that it seems to be dissipating - my challenge now is that nothing is tickling my toes. I don't necessarily feel depressed, I just feel like keeping to myself. I feel that others I know have their own things going on, and I feel very vulnerable to "bad energy" and I'm not even into metaphysics!...LOL - I just feel like being in sheer solitude by choice.

I did some thinking today and I don't think I'm a textbook co-dependent; however, I do have some tendencies. The Narc experience was particularly painful because it triggered a host of issues with past emotional abuse I suffered as a child, as well as what I think was an unresolved PTSD due to my father being shot and coming home with the bullet wound in his chest to say "goodbye"...I've stuffed a lot of things deep inside, and all of it came up with this particular break up.

I don't know how to classify my mother, but despite what she's done to me as a child, I kind of "forgave" her because I understood her background and the abuse she suffered and wanted to believe she loved me - she just did not have the skills to raise a healthy self-assured child. She really should not have had children - but then I wouldn't be here...LOL. The thing is, that I am noting or processing how every screwed up thing she's done and how she's parented is what has had a direct impact on where I am today. I did not know any better. Dysfunction has been a "normal" part of my life my entire life. Mental illness runs in my family...some are fortunate to come from "old money"...I come from a long line of certifiable nut cases and for the life of me, I don't know how I ended up missing the blessing...although at every turn, it's almost as if her eyes light up at any hint of "depression" I might be suffering...creepy. Thing is, I have had depression from time to time, but not life altering and I've always been able to bounce out of it. It was not incapacitating...in life we go through changes and we move on from them. There was a time during the Narc episode I thought I was going to lose my mind, but I really feel a lot stronger now that things are in perspective and I understand cognitively what I was dealing with-the rest is just time and doing the work on myself to heal. I'm not scared or depressed by that.

The thing is, despite my attempt at setting boundaries, and explaining to mumsey that I don't want to speak with her in too great a detail right now, she continues to pry and attempt to force and outright manipulate by any means necessary that I talk to her. I told her, I don't want to talk about it now with you, I'm not ready, there are issues, but I don't want to speak about it now. She's like - oh, you should see my therapist - MIND YOU she's not going anymore...HUMPH...and from the looks of it, he's not that great because I haven't seen any improvement with her...LMAO. I have been trying to find a competent therapist and I've written about some of my experiences on the board. What is really pissing me off is her attempt at control and her sheer lack of respect for the boundaries I am finally setting. Moot point here I guess because I've just documented what is obvious. The thing is that I've realized, the Narc triggered memories of her abusive behavior, and she is triggering memories of the narc's behaviors and I just want the world to shut the fuck up for a minute...well, maybe for like six months?...LOL until I can get my bearings. I told her I want to own this, I don't want your help - and I don't because in true fashion, she will eventually use it to throw it in my face another day.

People in general don't understand this mess we find ourselves in emotionally, and so I feel like I do better to stay away. I use this board for support and it won't be my only means but for right now it is what it is.

My question to the veterans is...have you had similar experiences with intentionally wanting to isolate yourself and how long is "too long?" I don't believe I am depressed at this point, I was, but it has lifted, I do feel like I'm getting stronger emotionally, the anxiety has lessened, but I just don't have the patience to deal with other people's crap I've got nothing to give right now and whatever I have, I want it for me.

My mother told me my uncle wants to hear from me. Granted, he's done nothing bad and he's a doll, but he also suffers from mental illness, and I've been in the front line since i was a teen cleaning up the mess, going into the psych wards to bring him his glasses, running here, running there...he's had two episodes of hospitilzation over the past two years and when he bounces back...manipulation and splitting goes on in the family. "Who doesn't visit" "What happened 40 years ago" one day my cousin, his daughter is the "bitch of the month" until I do something then I am...they all talk about eachother behind eachothers backs then smile in eachothers faces. Sheer hypocrisy sometimes and it makes me SICK. But, they're my family, and they've grown rather accustomed to dumping on eachother, pointing fingers and my mother manages the assignments of cleaning up the shit via telephone then "takes the credit for doing everything for him" but I was the friggin gopher as a teenager no less...it's always been one friggin mess after another - and she just doesn't get why I don't want to friggin talk to any of them right now. they are too dam draining. When I first got sick with Fibro/CFS...you think ANY of them came to help? I couldn't even friggin walk!!! I could barely care for my child...they thought I was just making it up for attention...my mother still would love to say it's depression. I found a top doc in my city who has a reputation he's not willing to spoil tell me "You cannot work" I have other ailments as well that in combination find me disabled. At every turn, she acts like I'm just a lazy POS. The narc was just as insulting.

I'm venting and all over the place. Bottom line, I'm not missing the Narc...I am hurt all over from a number of folks and I just want time to sort things out. Have you ever self isolated by choice and for how long, and how long is too long do you think?

thanks.