Depression and the N!

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#1 Mar 17 - 8AM
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

Depression and the N!

I have been spying on my N. lol

Basically, he acts as tho he is so amazing and all women want him.
He use to be a huge player, had all different whores around. (bottom of the barrel girls).
Then we started dating and it all stopped. Not sure why, I guess the depression he is in, is affecting his self esteem.

He is going to be 31, and has just started to realize he has accomplished NOTHING!! No steady job, his son is 10 and failing at school, he is hitting rock bottom. I have been threw his email...facebook and his phone. There is NOTHING! He keeps everything and erases nothing, obviously so he can go back and read it when he's down and out. Why has the player attitude disappeared? Is this common when an N hits depression?

p.s - altho, he does comment daily, that when hes "older", he is gonna be rich and "do" all sorts of chicks. UNBELIEVABLE!

Mar 22 - 6PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Cultic Ns

Read this: The 'Cultic' Relationships http://www.rickross.com/reference/brainwashing/brainwashing18.html
Mar 22 - 2PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

anger

Getting angry can be very healthy as long as you allow it to propel you AWAY from them and on to better things. The fact they have to slander & smear you says a lot about THEM. If it gets worse get a cease & desist order. I had to. I let my anger do something concrete instead of just bitching about it ;)
Mar 17 - 11PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Whatever

Oh, yes, he is definitely on the downswing. Barabara is right, Narcissists behave like manic-depressives and he is on the down-side right now. Like she said, do not ride this roller-coaster with him. Get off fast! He will be fun and manic again soon, but I guarantee, he'll be asking himself these same questions in ten years. Nothing will have changed for him. You do not want to be with someone like this. Get out now. His life will always be a roller-coaster of extreme highs and extreme lows. Don't let him take you down with him. xoxo, Lisa
Mar 18 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

cant stop.

I am in tears. I have not been able to get outta bed. I feel like Im just sitting here waiting to get hurt. When im not with him, Im constantly wondering what he is up to. When I get the strength and decide im going to start distancing myself, the anxiety makes me so sick, I cave and call him. I dont trust him!! How are you women so strong!! I feel like he is now treating me like shit because I disagreed with him in a conversation yesterday. Then today he seems ok, but not himself........I want this feeling and the games to stop! One of my biggest fears, is he will find someone else and treat them better and start to get better. Or may go back to being with whores...This is so messed up! I care WAY to much.
Mar 20 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

whatever2009

Girl, listen to me when I tell you not only do I know your pain, but I can FEEL it too...I'm telling you the truth! I spent the first two months crying in the fetal position on my floor. One day I actually slept in the dog bed. This is how low he got me. I was CONSUMED with him. Nothing else. Him. I didn't eat, I couldn't function...I was wasting away. Our problem is that we actually become addicted to them. They are a bad drug and we need our "fix." That is why you feel anxiety when you distance yourself..it's literally like coming off heroine; you will get the shakes, cries, tummy pains, heart race, etc. This is withdrawal. It is a PROVEN FACT that if you can refrain from having any contact at all (meaning you delete his texts before you read them, don't read email from him, and do not take his calls or send him texts, etc.), we're talking ZERO contact, then in 21 days it will start to lift. It takes 21 days to come off withdrawal. I'm not saying you won't still miss him or cry but you HAVE to give yourself those 21 days. That is the first step to healing. After that and during that period you have to get into therapy and possibly a support group. You have been abused and are continuing to be abused. Your head is mush. He has your brain twisted up like a pretzel and your reality is now tainted because of spending so much time in HIS false reality. Your heart is bleeding. You feel like a shell. You feel void and empty without him. This is an illusion. He has convinced you that you cannot go on without him, and you believe it because that's the way it feels!!! He will not, cannot and is completely incapable of treating another woman better, period. After the honeymoon ends he will seak to control and abuse her too. Period. He can't change. Narcissism is incurable. They can't be happy with anyone!! No one. Love yourself more. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are a wonderful soul created by God and you are worthy of love and respect. You deserve love! You will never, ever find this in your current relationship. If you don't put your foot down you will continue to lose yourself to the point of becoming a shell. You are stronger than that! Take the first step! We are all here for you and we know what you are going through!!!

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Mar 21 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

feeling low.

Today is a horrible day for me. When I finally spoke to my N, he was completely uninterested in our conversation,(threw a couple of neg comments at me..just immature shit) until he took over the conversation with stuff ALL about himself.(we do not live together)(he is not the father of my kids) Im having trouble eating, my kids drove me crazy (as I was so down), and I cant stop crying. Part of the reason, is that I want him to be NORMAL SOOOO BAD. The other part knows he cant and that I want, so bad, for someone to love me and my kids. I want to stop giving in to him. He calls when he wants, we talk on his terms, always on his terms. I started a low dose anti-depressent today, I decided it was time, and I cant do this by myself. This is scary, but I want to feel better ASAP, and get back to the strong women I ONCE was!!
Mar 22 - 5PM (Reply to #19)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Whatever

Whatever - Hang in there. This is the most difficult time right now. You will get through this. Stay away from this man. He is toxic and you do not need him in your life. He will only bring you down. I'm glad to hear you got an anti-depressent and should NOT be scared or ashamed for using it. We have been through emotional hell and if you're doctor prescribed this for you, then he believes it will help you and you shouldn't be hesitant to use it. We must do everything we can to take care of ourselves. We've been neglecting ourselves for so long. It's time we start taking steps to take care of ourselves. Stay strong and know that we are here for you! xoxo, Lisa
Mar 21 - 10PM (Reply to #18)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

whatever

Go and read the NO CONTACT post STOP TALKING TO THIS SOUL-SUCKING VAMPIRE. STOP STOP STOP
Mar 21 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Today's almost over...

Chalk it up to a mistake, which was speaking to him, giving him the time of day. Tomorrow, do not take his call, don't call him, and do something good for you and your kids. Leave the house, go to the park, wherever...turn off your cell. Do not make it possible to respond to the source. Just do it for one day. Then try it again the next day. Maybe you can make it to a week, and be more of a habit, focusing on yourself and ignoring him. Your will to engage him in his BS may start to diminish. I know it sucks, we ALL have similar temptations to some degree, what we had with them was highly addictive. You have to force yourself to not respond to him. It'll take all your will, but you can do it. You have no choice if you want to get out of the cycle...if not for you right now, do it for your kids. There is a huge amount of strength in you already, that you're able to admit he is who he is. Have a good Sunday... :)
Mar 22 - 9AM (Reply to #12)
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

one day at a time...

Thanks so much quietude and cassiemay (we will get there!!!) So I woke up today, and was immediatley depressed. But then I told myself to snap out of it and GET A LIFE. The problem I have with stopping contact, is that he has NO IDEA I even feel this way. He thinks everything is fine, and the way he talks/acts is fine, because I have never said a word. But the adult part of me, the mature women, thinks that I shouldnt have to say anything...why should I tell him. He should know!!!!!! And if he doesnt...fuck him. He doesnt deserve an explanation. Today is a better day..so far. Ladies I have to say, its so refreshing to be able to come on here and have people understand you. If I told anyone else, they think Im overreacting. My experience is not nearly as bad as some of yours, but nonetheless...it could ruin me. I do love him, I really do. But it is taking over my thought process, and CONTROLLING my life. Everyday is not going to be easy..but hopefully it will get better!! I want so BAD to be okay.
Mar 22 - 4PM (Reply to #15)
Elena
Elena's picture

Relational Cult

Whatever2009, I loved my narcissist too, very much, in fact I loved him inconditionally, in his messed up condition. But I now realize that he was toxic to me, and it was affecting me to the point that I was not the woman I could be, I was not a happy woman. I remember that one time I asked myself - "I wonder what I would look like or act like if I was a happy and fulfilled woman?" Now looking back, I feel like I was in a "relational cult" where the god I had to adore and worship for things to work out was him. The world had to revolve around him. I was never able to worship a man this way, it felt unhealthy. It really did feel like a cult.
Mar 22 - 4PM (Reply to #16)
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

ruby

Yes, I really understand the feeling of finally realizing how unhappy we were. It's a good question to ask "What would it look like if I was happy and fulfilled?" Indeed. The process can be so Insidious that you don't even realize it until finally, one day, you look at yourself in the mirror and don't recognize who is looking back or where she went or what happened to end up at this point. I remember so vividly becoming so depressed in the marriage, not understanding all the "whys", but asking my STBX "do you ever just wish you were dead?" His response: "NO". End of discussion. No questions, no concerns, nothing. That isn't love and neither is the need to have our worlds revolve around them and only their needs. And....that Is unhealthy. Maybe by asking ourselves the question you posed will help us all to figure out a way to find that woman again. Thanks, CM
Mar 22 - 5PM (Reply to #17)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Ruby

Yes, that's a good question, Ruby! This is the question we should all ask ourselves and this will remind us of why we are doing all the hard work right now - to find that woman again and live to our full potential. By staying in a relationship with your n, you deny yourself all of that and that's no way to live. We all deserve more and we must never forget that! xoxo, Lisa
Mar 22 - 10AM (Reply to #13)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Good morning

Whatever, guess what...mine has no idea that I feel this way either! But sorry, I'm not going to be the one to give him that revelation. He may go on thinking I'm cold and heartless not to give him another chance...oh well. Telling him would not do any good anyway because abusers typically will either put on an act and get help just long enough to reel you back in, or completely deny it, and possible ensue more rage from them...no thanks! It took him abandoning me (again) for everything to start merging together mentally for me, after much thought and reading... to make me realize there WAS a reason I've been so miserable. And it's not MY fault. I knew for a long time things weren't right, and for some reason I'd put my intuition aside and go with 'but I love him, and if I just do this and this, it will all be okay...eventually'. I still miss things about him, the fake stuff he did to sustain the relationship just enough to where I'd stick around. But why should I settle for the breadcrumbs he occasionally threw at me, when I'm deserving of a hell of a lot more? Of course you love him, that is the compassionate side of you, the one that so much wants him to be the kind of person you want him to be. And there are times that I feel pity for my N, because he'll never know what a real relationship is and no matter who tries, will not be able to love anyone in a healthy way. Oh, and I stopped feeling sorry for him because he had a bad childhood, hard life, etc...as cold as it sounds, I realized this is just an EXCUSE for his behavior. There are people I know who had bad childhoods, and they're not abusive...hmmmm. Mine wasn't the best, but I think I turned out to be a pretty good mom and do not have abusive behavior. You do sound better today, try to get through the day with no contact, you can do it. :)
Mar 22 - 12PM (Reply to #14)
ms_jeeves
ms_jeeves's picture

This was so helful to me!!!!

Thank you Quietude. For the last two days I have been really struggling with anger over slander and fraud. You have such a great way of explaining things that reminds me that there is a quieter, healthier, stronger way than anger. It's hard though! Thank you.
Mar 21 - 10PM (Reply to #9)
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

today...

Whatever et.al..... I'm right there with you. Quietude, thanks for the suppot. I was feeling the same way tonight as "whatever" was. Oh, he didn't contact me....never....which I guess makes him somewhat different from the others... ( so I wonder, am I wrong in thinking he is an N?) My problem is I want to contact him again. I know, I know, I've dispensed advice to others to never ever do this again. We have a court date in early May and he will be served "comtempt of court" papers on Mon. next week due to his dissipation of our financial assets and total disregard for the law or my rights over the last 2 years. I am scared to death of how he will react to this. He won't threaten me or be dangerous. He will just be so furious and more vindictive than ever. The reason I find myself wanting to contact him is to say "this is so ridiculous, so wasteful of time, energy and money. Why are we doing this???" And, anticipating his responses, he would say something like..."I can't help how I feel. You brought this on yourself. You threw everything away." Yeah.... Guess I still struggle with my own self doubt and guilt.. Some of us have been communicating for a few weeks and I've told my story in bits and pieces. Just wondering how any of you who have been reading and posting see it. Am I crazy to think he's a narcissist? Any thoughts are greatly appreciated and NO, I am not contacting him! CM
Mar 21 - 11PM (Reply to #11)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Trying to make sense

All the time I've spent (wasted) trying to figure him out~! And then I think, why should I have to? And why should I feel guilty, I tried my best to have a healthy relationship. We are all good, caring, loving people who just tried to make chicken soup out of chicken sh** :) So try your best *not* to contact him, you already know the answer. Mine wrote to me yesterday...I'm not quite at the 'delete' everything that has to do with him stage yet, but I didn't answer...it was a boost to my self-respect~! Cassie, don't ever think you're crazy, he would like to make you think so. I don't know if he's an N...but it's however you feel about your experience, what you conclude from it, compiling whatever you need to in order to make yourself feel better, and affirm you should not be with him. Barbara, so true about the lonely on Saturday night thing. I was feeling that today...I miss my fun 'dates' with him. But that stuff is short lived, and before you know it, it's back to the demeaning criticisms and grumpy moods. Lonely is better than being on constant alert and feeling like crap about yourself.
Mar 21 - 10PM (Reply to #10)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

don't do it

Oh, he didn't contact me....never....which I guess makes him somewhat different from the others... ( so I wonder, am I wrong in thinking he is an N?) Psycho-boy never contacted me again ever. And because I had known him for close to 25 years when it all happened - it is VERY hard to not speak to him or want to speak him. Now 5 years later I still think about it. I had reason (not personal) to HAVE to contact him 14 months ago and not only was he a complete imbecile to me - he proceeded to post stuff about me online which took me months to get taken down... for NO GOOD REASON. It was childish but very harmful. Trust me - IT ISN'T WORTH IT The reason I find myself wanting to contact him is to say "this is so ridiculous, so wasteful of time, energy and money. Why are we doing this???" I basically tried to tell psycho-boy the same thing. I even, after the 'business' portion of the contact, said that for the sake of HIS family he really needs to stop the harassment of me - that it can't be healthy. But no, like a typical Narc/Sociopath he had a BACKWARD reaction and just stepped up the abuse... what happened? I had him served with a No Contact order about 5 weeks later. Yours is N... trust me... HE IS AN N!!!! Just go back and read over some of your old posts. Go ahead. Do it. It's Sat. night and you are lonely. LONELINESS IS THE BIGGEST REASON FOR RELAPSE so find something to do... without HIM and with YOURSELF. A bubble bath maybe?
Mar 18 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

can't stop

whatever2009, I posted something yesterday, Somewhere on this site.....:-) about how, in the beginning of the end for me I wasn't able to find the strength to leave either. But...I WAS miserable. I found a way unconsciously to make Him leave Me. Not the best route, but I'm just saying that I know how terrifying it is at the stage you are in. How difficult it is to say "I"m outta here" for yourself. Know that the anxiety and dependence you feel are, in fact, symptoms developed, at least in part, from the way the relationship IS. Yes, you may have some dependency issues (who doesn't?), but they are being made much worse by the mere fact that you continue to Be in the vortex of "crazy-making" behaviors from him. You must protect yourself from further damage by this however you can sweetheart. I understand your fears about him being with someone else. That drove me crazy too and I knew he was..... Jealousy is so destructive to us. Let me just say this: he may "find" someone else, they always do because they have to have their supply source. But HE WILL NOT treat them better over the long haul or start to get better themselves. It just doesn't happen unless somehow they are struck by a bolt of lightening and develop actual Insight, which is HIGHLY UNLIKELY! I always thought that if I just "tried hard enough", if I found the right words to say, the right emotion to express, that he would get that insight and all would be restored. I sent hundreds of emails I'm sure trying to accomplish that ill-fated mission. AND IT NEVER WORKED FOR A FUCKING SECOND. All I was doing was wasting more time and energy on Him. And in the meantime, I'm sure, continuing to supply him with narcissistic needs because he could see how much I still wanted him. Ugh. vomit. slap me across the face! I FINALLY gave up. After so long of banging your head against the wall we do eventually learn. How to do it? Take one day at a time. Make plans for YOURself. Be with friends who value you. Do something YOU value. Minimize or eliminate contact. Journal your feelings and events that happen so you can look back and remind yourself just what you've been through and how you are getting more insight and strength.See a therapist or join a group if you haven't already. Having feedback that is objective is So helpful. It's a process, not an "event", so expect it will take time, but please try to minimize the damage to yourself. Perhaps the postings on this site can help you not to make the same mistakes others have made. I wish I had found this sooner for myself, it may have saved me some of those as well. Hang in there. Think about you. Think about the rest of your life and what you want. It's possible to find that. I didn't believe it when I was in the depths of despair, but it does happen. I met new friends that I value greatly. I met a new guy who is sweet and loving and has none of those crazy behaviors. I began to value my independence and my own life and not having to worry constantly about someone else. One day at a time and it does happen. CM
Mar 19 - 8AM (Reply to #5)
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

Thanks CM...your post

Thanks CM...your post actually made me smile...the new friends/new guy...good for you!! I broke down at work today, could not stop crying. I actually felt completely BEATEN down.... He has been treating me different, kinda been distant. (ever since the nice weather and his "single" loser friends have started coming around more)....PATHETIC!!!! Which brought/brings me into PANIC mode. However really, maybe this is the push I need. The crazy thing is he does this once every couple of months, and then comes back being SUPER nice! I want more, I want to be happy, I want this so much it actually hurts. He just made me believe that he could be different. He made me confide in him, tried to help me with things, and then hurts me, only to bring me back, and do it again. I am so tired, and after my meltdown today, kinda feel a bit stronger. The women I spoke to today, reminded me that this isnt the kinda girl I am. Im independent...always have been. I allowed this to happen, and now for my health, I have to make this STOP. On top of that, am I cleary ADDICTED, and need to kick this need to be the "fixer". I just wish I could erase this sadness and become myself again.........ASAP.
Mar 17 - 5PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Maybe

Some Narcs have MANIC phases like manic depressives. He seems to be on the downswing. He wants you to be on this rollercoaster with him. Don't do it. Get off. He's an adult and he has to handle this on his own. Don't save him - save YOU! Barbara http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com