Red One's story
Red One's story
I met my N almost 6 years ago. Wow, did he knock me off my feet--my dream man in every way. He was gorgeous, sweet, kind, seemed to be caring and considerate, fun, romantic--the first six months were magical. Plus the lifestyle was intoxicating--trips all over the world. He seemed like my "soul mate"--whatever that means.
I started to notice controlling behavior around 4 months--he would blow up if I spoke to my ex-husband, he would stop in and check up on me, he didn't want me to see my friends--but by then I was hooked. The first few times he blew up did blow my mind-- the first bad one was in a restaurant in my city--with people around--where he yelled F-You and left the restaurant (this happens when I disagree with him or share my feelings). I did break it off--wrote him a letter saying that I will not accept being treated like that--I was just in shock that someone that supposedly loved me could be so cruel. BUT, I kept on taking him back--even though he has never apologized to me or taken any responsibility. He always says that it is my fault--that I "push his buttons" and need to learn how not to do that. He is constantly demeaning me and my feelings, my friends, my home--but still says he loves me. I feel like I'm going nuts. Another bad one happened this past monday--screaming at me on the golf course in front of his friends--throwing my property--even they were horrified. I am always so angry and hurt after one of these incidents (there must have been hundreds over the past 6 years--in varying degrees, and would be more if I didn't walk on eggshells)--but after a few days all I want to do is see him--I think it is an addication. I end up rationalizing it and thinking that he really does love me, but he has a personality disorder, so it really is not his fault. I hope I can find the strength to not go back to him again this time--that is why I am reaching out to others that have dealt with this awful disorder to see if I can learn how to do that. I feel like he is sucking the life out of me, but all I want to do is go back to him--I think I am the sick one.
Red One