How to move on

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#1 Nov 4 - 3PM

desprathousewife

How to move on

Hi everyone,

My brief story is, fell in love with a narc, went through ALL the ups and downs experienced with being with such a disordered person. Ignored all the red flags, ended up being assaulted by him and then in the aftermath discovered his condition and eventually found this site.

When I joined here I was still very traumatised by the assault, add that to discovering he was suffering with either ASPD, NPD or as I now realise a concoction of both, and I wasn't in a very good place emotionally. I ATE up all the information re his condition and people's first hand experience on here. I was in a constant state of paranoia for quite a while, he was back with an ex of his who had assaulted me the first night I met him and all I could focus on was their wrath for me testifying against him.

I stuck to my guns, reported all his breaches of bail, went to the trial and fought to get my restraining order.

He was sentenced last week and I'm trying to put it all behind me now. I don't feel any better though, him and her still live SO damned close, I worry about how vengeful he may feel toward me for standing up to him and OUTING him, he tried so hard with texts, phone calls and following me to 'get me back on side' obviously to drop charges against him. All that was in vain, I've resisted and reported every contact by him and he now has consequences as well as a criminal record.

He must hate me more than anyone he has ever known, I was So damned good to him when we were together, all his family said i was the best thing that had ever happened to him, he told me I was the kindest and most wonderful person he'd ever met and now I've held him accountable for assaulting me. I'll add here that he has assaulted other women before, unbeknownst to me while I was with him and he'd always got away with it.

I read all these dire stories about these guys murdering their ex's or even getting their OW to do their dirty work for them. Now I've tried to get my paranoia under control I want to believe that I won't be in that catagory, he has too much to lose and that his hate for me won't be that strong. I do know that these guys HATE to lose. He beat me, but tried to hoover my straight back in with tales of thinking I was a burglar which is total BULLSHIT.

I've not played his game in any shape or form since this happened and now he's been punished. I just pray he will leave me alone.

All that aside, this whole mess should now be behind me, it's all come as a bit of a suprise to find emotions of pain and loss come flooding in. I guess I've bypassed all the NORMAL grieving stages of being with a narc and they are now coming at me thick and fast.

I feel so empty, like someone has ripped out my heart. I gave so much and received so little, was the best I could be and it was never good enough.

I've tried to identify with everyone on here and have felt like an outsider, I don't feel like that anymore. I know I'm one of you, we all have different stages to go through, I feel I may have gone through them all BACKWARDS? Who knows, I know I'm a long way from being healed and am maybe starting out back at the beginning. At least I have all this knowledge to work with and great people to share with.

I DO know if it wasn't for this site I think I would have believed his texts and gone back to him. Then I would have been in a worse state than China.

Just bare with me if after seeming to have come so far I start behaving as if it's all just happened. In a strange way it feels like it's all been a dream and I've just woken up without him in my life.

The thought of being with another man at some point in the future now terrifies me, not only because I'm gonna be psycho analising every new guy I meet, but also because of how he may react, he was extremely jealous and possessive if another guy even looked at me.

How do we move on after such a situation?

#2 Nov 8 - 12PM

ShaynasMommy

Blue Eyes

Its funny you said that you married the N to escape a previous bad marriage, which after reading your story, your first husband didn't sound exactly like an N, but de definitely had a lot of issues. Because I am now marveling (not judging, there's a disclaimer here) how many women out there escape the frying pan and go directly into the fire, so-to-speak. I know that my exN picked up his current wife that way. She was fresh on the rebound from her ex-husband, who lived in the same apartment building and both her and my ex-N. It sounds complicated (gee, when are things ever not complicated with these dorks)because I guess the new OW was in the process of getting away from her asshole exH, who got remarried lickety split, and stayed in the same apt building.....and that's when my exN scooped her up, step child and all, and both households are living just steps away from each other. How convenient is that.....and also IMO how BIZZARE, one big cluster F (or cluster B,C, whatev). And how painful and confusing for her daughter, too. Dad, Mom, Dad's new wife to replace mom, Mom and new Dad living all steps away from each other, I can't get over that. He's so frickin' LAZY, all he had to do was put a net out on his front porch basically and took the first thing he could snag, figured he better actually marry someone so that he could look more "normal" to the outside, and play the hero to the poor girl and her daugher. SICK..... He's a BIG, FAT, LAZY, DUMBASS Narc. And to think he actually was a looker in his day, but obviously he doesn't have to be worried about his own upkeep because people should think he is AWESOME no matter what. I think there was an origional point to this post.......ummmm....oh yeah, BlueEyes, you are not the only one to be taken advantage of by a psycho while you are in a fragile state. Thats what these creeps do, so don't feel bad. Fortunately for the Narcs, there are plenty of broken down people who still have something to offer before they are completely discarded to the rubble heap. That's whats wrong with the world. People as a general rule treat each other so shitty and are so selfish, that its no wonder alot of us are narc bait sometimes. Fucking opportunistic VULTURES.

#3 Nov 8 - 10AM

spinning

Thank you so

Thank you desperate housewife for starting this thread and to Blueeyes for posting this link and everyone in between who has commented to help. The article is so right on the money, and what is shared is information I know cognitively but my "heart" or whatever it is needs some catching up. It was so smart to carry this around. I, too, will read it over and over and over. I needed to read it right now and like desperatehousewife do not know at times exactly what it is I think I am missing (regarding relationship with him). I would be hard pressed to string together seven good days in our seven year relationship from hell (including when he presented the illusion...a red flag popped up right away and I chose to be flattered by his unbelievable jealosy rather than alarmed by it). I vascillate from weak to strong; strong to weak. I am trying with every tool I know and still feel inadequate to control my thoughts. Reading here and not feeling so alone and "crazy" helps. Thank you all so much. --(hope to stop) Spinning

spinning

#4 Nov 8 - 11AM (Reply to #30)

desprathousewife

Spinning

Pleased to make your aquaintance and glad to be of service :) I really relate to your being flattered by his unbelievable jealousy.....why the heck is that, we shouldn't be flattered, we should be very worried GRRRRR (hope to stop) Spinning....LOL, that made me laugh out loud, nice one, and YOU will :)

#5 Nov 8 - 5AM

helldweller

desprathousewife

Hi, I just read this as I was working pretty much nonstop this weekend. I totally know how you feel; reading what you wrote felt like deja vu--I have said those things so many times. Mine adored me, his family adored me, they had "never seen him so happy," "never seen him so taken with someone" before me. We were this happy little family unit, I was "the love of his life" that he "thought would never happen" to him. Then WHAM! From out of nowhere, it was gone. Last year, in August, he was asking me what color we should paint the bedroom in the house he was building for us. In September he brought home his four year old foster child without talking to me about it, went on vacation for a week while I was miscarrying his baby, and by Thanksgiving he literally drove away and left my daughters and me at home and went to dinner with his family and friends--without us. And oh, yeah, I went back for more, and more and more. As you maybe read, we got into a brawl in front of our houses in May--because I tried to look at his phone-- and the evidence tech was dispatched to photograph my injuries. I couldn't even walk for several days. His brother, who never spoke to me, called and begged me to not press charges. I finally agreed, because it would have been the the front page of the papers as he is a judge, and I did not want my children to be humiliated. Worst thing I ever did. As it turned out, nothing happenend. Later on, it happened again (big surprise, right?) and this time the cops suggested to ME that maybe I should move. As it turned out, none of his family or friends believed he had hurt me. No one believed he could do something like that because he is so wonderful, so selfless, such a wonderful father. On the advice of the police, I had a friend photograph my injuries, too, so I would have my own evidence, but the narc sweet talked the film out of me and they are gone. If I could go back and change anything, it would be to go back to that night and press charges. Your situation could go either way. I pressed charges against my ex husband after he assaulted me, and he lost his job on the fire department. You know what? He turned out to be a good guy once he stopped drinking, and I have a lot of guilt about pressing charges against him, only because his whole life was the fire service and he is so unhappy. But he knows he was messed up. This could happen with the narc. He might end up feeling what he did to you and feeling remorse. But I doubt it. I am very glad to hear that you have a restraining order against him, and that you do realize that that is just a piece of paper. Be very, very careful. I don't know how to deal with paranoia, but I remember that feeling after I signed the complaint against my husband. That feeling that he was waiting around every corner. It's awful, I know, and I'm sorry. The worst part of this whole thing, I think, is still coming, though: all of these feelings you are left with. "Having your heart ripped out" is the only way to describe it. These people become our whole lives and then are not only gone, but we have to realize what we were reduced to, what they devalued us to, what they did to us, that they don't care, that we wasted so much time and love, lost energy, years, looks, health, friends, family, dreams and hopes, everything. I know it will be a long, long time before I come to grips with all of these feelings. It's so horrible. I will be praying for and thinking of you. Keep on this board; it truly is the difference between life and death.

#6 Nov 8 - 6AM (Reply to #27)

desprathousewife

Helldweller :)

Thank you and I hear you :) I'm hoping last week was 'a blip', I'm feeling a lot stronger today :) I have no regrets about OUTING HIM. If he'd shown any TRUE remorse for what he'd done then maybe. I found out who he really is the first week after the assault and then when he TRIED all his apologies and professions of undying love, i was prepared. Even in those attempts he never ONCE asked how I was, it was all HIM HIM HIM, how sorry HE was, how HE thought I was a burlar (thats the thing that really did it for me, cos he knew exactly what he was doing and who he was doing it too) how HE was such a good guy (good guys enjoy beating the fuck out of the so called love of their lives eh?) how HE would take his punishment, cos the worse punishment was losing me (yeah boy, well that came true RIGHT). All the while he was sneaking around with the OW, he is STILL keeping being back with her a secret, even now. Stupid git doesn't know I knew right away. I've always been one step ahead of him throughout, this lovesick cow who wouldn't be able to live without him, reported his sorry arse to the police every time he breached his bail conditions. Maybe I aint such a DREAM WOMAN after all eh poor Narcy boy! Luckily this girl had SOME boundaries and when he violated them I stood up and held him accountable. I really believe I've had to go through all this for a reason. Someone had to end his abusive reign. My heart may have to be sewn back together slowly, but I've had some needlework lessons myself lately and 'sticking pins in him' has brought me a little bit of comfort, even though I had no thimble on and bled a few times in the process. I look at us all on here and take pride in being amongst such wonderful, caring, strong women. I know we will all come out of these nightmare scinarios wiser with newfound strength and a valuable insight about what we SHOULD be getting in a relationship, not what we THOUGHT we needed. Who knows what will happen regarding his VENGEANCE, but I do know that without the knowledge I've gained, I wouldn't be in a position to foresee and protect myself accordingly. I won't let my fear distract from me moving forward any longer. It's time to heal myself slowly and to look forward to bringing some peace back into my life :)

#7 Nov 8 - 6AM (Reply to #28)

helldweller

desprathousewife

I'm glad you are feeling stronger. Boy, that was just like mine: never once did his brothers ask me if I was ok. Not once.

#8 Nov 8 - 5AM

Used

dhw

your feelings are also about losing him..as i said to my pal once...just b/c i have finished it doesnt mean the feelings go...love doesnt go in a day...sometimes you have to get out but doesnt mean you wanted to......i believe in doing what you done[with law] was the only optition, but in away you are sad, cos you know he must not come near you again and it has made it seem so final..i remember once when i was with narc changing my numbers so he couldnt get to me...yet thinking why dont i feel any better? i think in my heart i still wanted him to get in touch with me, to show that even changed numbers wouldnt stop him....cos they arent real men...and yes i did get back with him, and he said i was going to send you a letter a card, i said why didnt you then...and i called him gutless...thats why you are down dhw...b/c tho you done this..your feelings are still there....you are a proper class act to have continued to go thru with it all..and for the women he had done it to before but they didnt stand up and be counted...one of narcs ex,s began doing what you done ..he kept saying sorry and promised her the earth....she dropped the charges[what he done to her was horrendous]and he then dumped her....when he was telling me he said you would have stuck to your guns wouldnt you...i said yes...too right i would...he said yes cos you have got bounderies and standartsWTF...i said you sound like you are compliementing me....he said I AM.....good luck dhw..you got out when you should have..his g/f will be getting this crap again and his respect for her is NIL....his respect for you is tops[ i know it sounds backward] but they love[hate] strenght and principals b/c they havent got any......I MENT to say but the 2 of his ex,s would did go thru with it like you have....he left alone , he saw one ,and after 7yrs tried to say hi, she got out her mobile and said f;;k off or i will phone the police..he ran off...but said to me why cant she forget it ? i have..yes they are inbelievable..

#9 Nov 8 - 6AM (Reply to #19)

desprathousewife

LMAO Used

That really tickled me when you said your N thought a woman he'd abused should have forgotten about it...WTF? OMG, how silly of me, I should just forget about it, go back to him and let him use me as a punchbag as and when he wants, gee I'm SO fucking inconsiderate LOL. Yeah, I guess you may have a point about him not being able to contact me again, in one way it kinda hurts but in another it doesn't cos the thing is after the night it happened I honestly don't think I'd be able to be anywhere near him, he scared me so bad that night. My fear overides my love thank goodness. Doesn't stop me craving him, but the craving is for an illusion and the illusion shattered into a million pieces and could never be put back together.

#10 Nov 8 - 6AM (Reply to #20)

Used

dhw

narcs have a realy odd take on things...i was with my exnh since i was 15 till i was 46..then with narc for 5years and this they had in common...when ever they done something out of order[which was all the time]..after a period of time they would expect it to be totally forgotton..with myexh, he would hold his hand up like a cpoliceman and say>I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT IT NEVER HAPPENED...i asked him to give me lessons in this trick of forgetting things..lol..its like one day we were talking and i had seen an old friend of both of ours...exh said..he ,s a f..king wife beater...and i said so where YOU!!..he blanked it and then said i never hit you with a clenched fist, i said theres a fine thing for a man to say...he said YOU and your memory... and narcs saying was ,when someone pulled him on his be havior....ive been asleep since then...its dead and gone weird or what...then again i wouldnt want in my head those things either...ive got a technical question...how when people write posts...do you all manage to seperate them to look like new paragraphs? mine always comes out like this..i wont forget if you tell meHAHA...even if i have been asleep since then xx

#11 Nov 8 - 7AM (Reply to #21)

desprathousewife

LOL

You have to take a breath and press the ENTER button LOL So, it looks like narcs have a very selective memory hmmmm? Oh well, I don't have that luxury but I do now have a selective mammory, I aint letting any more Narcs get on my tits! :) x

#12 Nov 8 - 7AM (Reply to #23)

blueeyes

desptrath,

Uhm. I was you last week and you are me this week! I want to go back to last weeks strong feeings! Lol. That's what's so wonderful about the boards, we can relate. I feel like your post.

#13 Nov 8 - 7AM (Reply to #24)

desprathousewife

Awww Blueeyes you will get

Awww Blueeyes you will get that feeling back! I remember Briseis telling me in one of her replies last week that we yo yo back and for for a while. I'm not swapping places with you tho, the bad times SUCK :( I'll send you some of my good vibes and try and absorb some of your bad ones ...DEAL? :)

#14 Nov 8 - 8AM (Reply to #25)

blueeyes

desprathousewife

PLEASE? and Thank you.. :(

#15 Nov 8 - 7AM (Reply to #22)

Used

dhw

lol... they have very selective memories... but could you bear to remember those terrible things they have done.. narc was so sick, that if we were out and he saw someone he knew...laughing or looking happy..he would make a point of talking to them and ruin there day.. i wouldnt want to be these unhappy bastards for all the tea in china... if my paragraphs work ,that will make my day... if it doesnt i wont think i am going to make the next person i know miserable...thats the diffrence btw us and them subhumans... mymum was a narc so i have been involved with one all my life until 13mnths when i dropped exh, the narc and my best NARC women freind....first time in my life... but at least it clued me up enough ,that when i met narc i said freindship with no fringe benifits...and yeah i did still get hurt.. but have learned my lessons bigtime....if it dont feel right IT aint right..xxxxx WOW....i done it i done it....thanks dhw....i am well pleased...ta

#16 Nov 4 - 8PM

Playedwithfire

Please contact me if you can..

I've been where you are. My soon to be exh was found guilty of assaulting me and instead of walking away after I got sucked back in, went back to him with our kids and now getting over the guilt and anger of putting myself right back into it. The texts were good and the honeymoon phase was so awesome, led me right back to his abuse. He is now gone I kicked him out, and now I'm getting my life to what I want it to be. I am on the new site, please send me a message if you want to chat. Thanks and I'm hear for you too. Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

#17 Nov 8 - 4AM (Reply to #17)

desprathousewife

Playedwithfire :)

I've just sent a friend request on the new site. Looking forward to chatting with you soon x

#18 Nov 4 - 7PM

almostlydia

For now you have to work

For now you have to work towards 'the art of letting go'. We talked about it recently here because that is the essence of where we have to get to first. It will probably never be fully comprehensible - ever -so it is about letting it go. Then there will be possibilities for all the other stuff that has been on hold in your life with the N to fill the void. It is a long hard road but you did the admirable and right thing. So it is obvious you have a lot of strength. Remember this when you are feeling weak. It took a lot of strength to do what you did. Thanks from all the woman out here who could have been his next assault victim. Stay strong. You are not alone. almostlydia

almostlydia

#19 Nov 4 - 8PM (Reply to #15)

blueeyes

you are not alone

We all feel it. Moment by moment we will find ourselves. This is the rough time.

#20 Nov 4 - 5PM

Briseis

You ARE moving on :)

Right now as you write :) As you ping pong back and forth with backward grieving, even. No one grieves in a straight line. Especially people who've gone through what you and we all have. First, you have to survive the crisis. And you did. All your energy went into that. Not much went into processing and reintegrating the losses and suffering. You didn't have it to spare LOL!! So now the crisis is over. Well, as over as it can be. The legal court stuff is finalized, and now, like the natural order of things, your thoughts return to what has been put on hold out of necessity. I did this same exact thing, weeks after I finally stood up and outed my exNarc to the sheriff, was instrumental in having him arrested, humiliated, cut off from what money was left and then made homeless. Yeah, he hated me pretty much too. After the RO was upheld, the momentum carried me forward a few days or so, and then I crashed. It was time to put a bunch of stuff to rest :( , stuff that had waited on a back burner so I could deal with more pressing issues, like immediate personal safety. It was like a vortex opened up in the bottom of my mind and I got sucked down the hole. This is STILL moving forward. It sure didn't feel like it at the time, lemme tell ya. It had to be dealt with. It had just been juggled "til later" because of necessity. Move through these states of mind. Sit with them, and respect them. I didn't say love them, because you can't. But they are here with you for very good reasons. You suffered terribly. These states of mind need their time, too. And the more you peacefully (and respectfully) allow yourself to move through them, the quicker they will pass. Get lots of support, lots and lots. No one should do this alone. And from someone who has done this, gotten smashed flat by it and crawled out on my hands and knees, it DOES END. Slowly, it ends. One day you will suddenly realize you are just toodling along in your life, feeling ever so much better, and you didn't even realize it. Then in another few weeks, you realize you feel even better. That's how it works. Nature abhors a vacuum. Your empty spots will fill up on their own. Just be cognizant of what you fill them up with. Do your best to fill them up with what brings you peace, serenity and joy. What makes you feel good. You'll discover more and more of what DOES make you feel good, stuff you had no idea of otherwise. I promise :)

#21 Nov 8 - 5AM (Reply to #13)

desprathousewife

Briseis

You are so right, this here vacuum needs to start sucking up some good stuff. I forced myself to go out at the weekend. Had a really good night, got in at daft o'clock and suddenly my floodgates opened and I cried myself to sleep. Came from no-where and I looked like a panda when I eventually dragged myself outa bed yesterday morning. Had the mother of all hangovers to boot and was in a daze for the rest of the day...BUT, have woken up this morning feeling heaps better and more optimistic about the week ahead. Seems it has done me a world of good and hopefully replenished my system. No more pity party, time to accept my relationship for what it was 'a complete SHAM grrrrr'. Some of my inner strength has returned, I'm not gonna let a stupid, nasty, evil, plastic man trample my optimistic nature any more. Time to get my act together and wash him out of my hair, and REMIND myself that I got along without him before I met him, gonna get along without him now.....AHA :) All the lovely comments here have really lifted me this morning. Thanks girls you're GGGRRRREEEEEAT. MWAH

#22 Nov 4 - 5PM (Reply to #10)

blueeyes

Briseis

"Suddenly realize you are just toodling along in your life" Is it like when we realized how horrible it was getting? Same feeling? Just wondering? Honeatly, now, I cannot see exactly where, when, or how but it unraveled. Our "perfect life." I am starting to let this get me down. Maybe I need to put the article back into my purse? Despy, XO...You have been thru hell. We have to feel it to heal it. Are we ever really free of this? Please say yes.

#23 Nov 4 - 6PM (Reply to #11)

Briseis

Blue eyes

Yes. I am free of it. I can honestly say that. It does not mean I have this spectacularly wonderful fairy tale life. It just means that immediate pain is gone, has been gone. I have plenty of other issues, but they are to do with other "life things". But as for the narc stuff? It's over.

#24 Nov 4 - 9PM (Reply to #12)

blueeyes

Whew, Brises...Ty

I needed that tonight. I have a confession, I engaged when he dropped the kids off tonight..I will post it. I was right back for a half of a minute.. So mad at myself. IDK why I had a talk with him cuz now I'm down:(

#25 Nov 4 - 3PM

blueeyes

Desp...

One minute at a time. It sounds like we have a very similar story. It's a long process. I would say my kids, and inspiration for piano have helped me become myself again. Is there something he took from you, a hobby that he destroyed for a little? Try doing that hobby again, try to look at him as a dead person. The stages of greif of a death are similar to what you will feel. This too shall pass sweetie. Remember, I carried that article in my purse? I would read it and read it.... XOXO

#26 Nov 4 - 3PM (Reply to #2)

desprathousewife

I truly wish he was dead

That would solve so many of my problems. I think I was feeling TOO strong, the paranoia and hate overode all my other emotions and now they all seem to be surfacing. I so want to block out all the good memories that have started flooding in, because of what happened I must have blocked them all. Prior to meeting him I was in another destructive relationship, HE was my ticket to getting over that, oh how I wish I had got a refund on that ticket and stayed home alone instead. Wish I had a hobby, my children, my job and keeping my home in order have left me little time for frivolities, then I met HIM, and my children, job and home played second fiddle to HIS needs. I regret that so much, I have all those things back on track hopefully. Guess I need a hobby or distraction to help, this site is my new hobby and distraction! lol I do intentify with you a lot, our guys are both psycho's, never cheated on us but have destroyed us in other ways. No, scrap that, they haven't destroyed us, they've tried to but NOT succeeded. What was the article you carried in your purse? I want one :)

#27 Nov 4 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

blueeyes

yup!

I lived that life, the N was an escape from the first marriage. I know all about putting them before all when they start the DD. I will post the link soon (purse article). I'm on my Blackberry and I can't find it. Give me an hour. Either here or the new site. He is dead babes. The man you met never was. It's a concept, a reality. It hurts.

#28 Nov 4 - 4PM (Reply to #8)

blueeyes

found it!

Hi honey, http://singlemumsal.blogspot.com/2010/08/impact-of-cluster-b-idiots-guide.html I carried this in my purse. XO Have you read Lisa's book.

#29 Nov 4 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

desprathousewife

Too right

It hurts like hell, but I aint gonna let it get the better of me, he aint worth it damnit. I'm flagging this end, was up real early for work this morning and the time difference is dire. You are so right , he's dead, he died in my heart the minute he attacked me. Who the fuck was that man? A stranger I knew all to well, still hurts like hell though. I'll check in tomorrow to find your post. Thanks Blueeyes, you have it worse, your dead guy is still trying to be ALIVE in your life, mine is not although he may resurface as my worse nightmare at any moment, gee I pray NOT.

#30 Nov 4 - 7PM (Reply to #6)

faithinthefuture

Wow desperate

"a stranger I knew all too well" I think this should be one of the our quotes.

#31 Nov 4 - 7PM (Reply to #7)

almostlydia

faithinthefuture

ditto, my feelings exactly. 'the stranger I knew too well'. Could be a title for a book? but not for a life. almostlydia

almostlydia

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