seeing him monday...

13 posts / 0 new

#1 Nov 6 - 9PM

ihavethecandy

seeing him monday...

I called my ex last night, first time I've had any contact with him since I told him I hoped he would kill himself. I need to go to his house to make sure the x-rated videos we made (at his request, so he could stop watching porn and focus on me- he said) are erased from his computer. We agreed on monday at 1:00.

He is being so pleasant about everything that its very easy to deal with him. He's not trying to get me back. He knows its over, is willing to take "the blame" admit he is a liar, etc. Its actually quite bizarre.

I am also going to remove the keylogger I installed to spy on him.

I no longer care.

I had him change all his passwords so I can no longer access his accounts.

I installed the keylogger during our most recent "attempt." I had to know. I didn't trust him, but was willing to see.

Of course nothing had changed. And actually I learned that the extent of his deception ran deeper than I had even imagined!

I gave up "spying" a few weeks ago. Maybe its been so easy for me stop because I've already been gone for a year, and only monitored him for a month, but at this point I truly don't give a shit what he's doing or what lies he is telling. I am choosing to focus on myself.

I need him to be there to open up all his email accounts for me to search for these videos.

He is being Sooo understanding about this. I believe he will actually help me with this. I know how he operates. He'll truly erase it all because A. He doesn't care to see it anyway- he prefers pornstars. And B. He needs to see himself as a "nice" and "helpful" guy.

He was never overtly abusive anyway. Always so sweet. But his actions and his words never matched up. He would act oblivious. He rarely got angry. He made sweet sweet promises and spoke eloquent words of apology and appeasement. But nothing ever changed.

When I see him Monday, he will be polite, generous and helpful. Obsequious.

Still, I know that seeing him is bound to affect me. Although I'll be damned if I let him realize it!

He acts if we never shared years of our lives together. It still stings me to realize that I was that insignificant to him but convinced myself I mattered. It makes me feel stupid for believing the illusion.

I know our interaction Monday will be pleasant as pie, but so fake polite and corn syrupy sweet as to make me ill.

Its getting easier, but still, it bothers me to realize that I never existed to him at all.

#2 Nov 7 - 12PM

Briseis

I think of what I would do

I think of what I would do in a situation like this. I would want to shoot a firebomb into his domicile. Or in the very least, accidentally smash his harddrive with a sledgehammer while helping him "erase" the videos. Even so, I would be prepared that he has made copies of these videos that you do not know about. Now that he knows you want them gone, it would be a "natural" instinct of his, as a Narc, to upload them to Carbonite. So your job, after you get done with him tomorrow, is to prepare yourself to not care if you find out pornos of you are alive and well on the internet. I have no idea how you'll do this. I guess it's like forcing yourself to cope with anything awful :( If there is anything you can do legally, serve him with a legal document stating if any images or video of you performing sexual acts becomes evident he will be prosecuted. Have a lawyer friend write up a really good threatening letter anyway, or pay a lawyer to do it. Hopefully it will make him think, or at least do some research before he does something with his copies. I'm SO glad I came of age in a different time. My first husband (father of my kids) had a couple of snapshots of me that he threatened me with after I left him. It was upsetting but then again, it's been 24 years ago. Nowadays, things are a bit more deadly.

#3 Nov 7 - 1PM (Reply to #12)

ihavethecandy

i will know tomorrow breiseis!

Due to the file investigation program I installed on there for work, I will know if he has copied them. If he has, then at least I know that they may surface sometime and can be "prepared" as much as I can for that. If my hunch is correct, they will be gone tomorrow and I will never have to worry about them again! Either way, I will know something and can either rest easy or discuss legal action with my attorney. Peace of mind regarding this is worth too much to me! Worth even the emotional risk of seeing the slick bastard tomorrow. I'm not going back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The blinders are off.

#4 Nov 7 - 8AM

Mariline

A good report about these x

A good report about these x rated videos will do the trick. Do it and do it now, before you ever get involved in any serious relationship with a decent man or about your job etc. Do not trust him. He will keep the videos for sure, he will use them against you for sure. The police exists for things like this. Please protect yourself and do it now. Please do listen to us.

#5 Nov 7 - 5AM

Used

i havethecandy

please please dont trust him... he can have copied these on to a disc...and you say he wont want to watch them any way...these things are trophys...like serial killers like to keep a part of thier victims....they do not give anything up...narc had photos of a couple of his ex,s from over 20years ago. one day one of his exs came up to him and said she was getting married and could she have them back please...he laughed and said do you think i would still have them after 22 years..i have binned them...when she had gone he admitted to me that he still had them... he said so she is getting married again is she...well thats a bit of leverege for the future.... i went and told her....she then kept on at him to look for them, but she wouldnt give up..she then said she would tell her husband to be[he is a boxer...so narc "FOUND THEM"...had them copied and gave her the orignals..this was before the days of the internet and real technology.... i stayed friends with this fucking man was i insane, yes at the time i was.....dont trust him one inch...ihtc...not an inch....he will be smirking inside every minute of your time with him

#6 Nov 7 - 8AM (Reply to #6)

ihavethecandy

jeez!

Your ex is a real piece of work. I do hear your concern for my situation but I seriously doubt my ex will make copies of those nasty videos. Not that I think him incapable of doing that. I think he could and would have if his disc burner worked. He is simply too lazy to take the effort to do that. He has no friends who would burn it for him. He is not very tech savvy at all. I've worked in web development for years now and know how to search the computer for copied items and renamed items. I installed a program on there when I was still with him that gives me the total history of any given file. I did that for my work, but am going to use it to make sure there are no copies. I can also see if/when the files were opened and/or modified. I know he is capable of holding onto things like this though. He had a bunch of naughty pics of his ex that I found one time. But they were actual photos. He had them packed away in a cigar box in amongst a box full of junk that had been sealed since he was with her. When we moved in together I found them. He was "disgusted" that he had them and ripped them to bits right then and there. I really think that seeing those pics surprised him. He didn't seem to care that it bothered me, but seemed pissed that they were even there. I really don't think he remembered having them. They were boxed up for over 4 years! I will be able to tell what, if anything he has deon with the video files, and my main concern is making sure they're deleted.

#7 Nov 7 - 8AM (Reply to #9)

Used

They were boxed up for over

They were boxed up for over 4 years! SO DO YOU SEE MY POINT!!.. if told you what myexn husband has of "OURS", in his attic, in the house that he is shared with OW for nine years.....you would get the picture and it isnt any photos or films..they give up nothing..and even if you found out he had "COPIED anything...what could you do?...he would say he has got rid of anything

#8 Nov 7 - 8AM (Reply to #7)

Used

ihtc

they are all a piece of work.. when i got my computer it was trial and error, and he knew nothing either is is a bum..so we both were fiddling about with it, he was like lighting...and believe me i am quick..thats why i liked him i thought he was on my level..lo...my point is he is bone idle..never done a days work in his life...BUT if he gets a missions he is unstoppable....we were once there mission...look where we are now... i cant say enough, the devious depths they will sink to to get one over you....i would clarify but the photo buisness could be any one....if i wrote the heavy stuff he would know it is me....he has admitted to people he is afraid of me....what he is afraid of is what i know about him...that while in the BRAGGING IMPRESSING ME STAGE....all he would do was gloat,,and the photos of your one,s ex...he didnt forget...oh and what a show tearing them up in front of you...they so loves photo,s and films of their woman....why have anything anyway....these are past glories to these lowlifes..... when he was visiting me once, i had done laundrey and hanging it in garden, in that space of time...he had got on my landline phone and copied all the names on my speed dial......obssessive and then some....if you remember the "PASSION" and determination he used to get you hooked...muliply that by a million ,you will have some idea of what they are all about.....

#9 Nov 7 - 8AM (Reply to #8)

ihavethecandy

Used, the sad thing is...

He never even tried to impress me that much even in the beginning. I've Never seen him do Anything, or be on any kind of mission where I am concerned, or really where anyone is concerned. Its all been talk and words only with no action to back it up. Heck, I've never known him to go out of his way for anything. Not his son, not me, not even for other women. He's like a spider in a web. He sits and waits for prey to enter his area. He takes no action of his own. This is one thing that always confused me about him- although I understand it now. How he could not even try at all on Anything! Just the laziest person I've ever known!! He didn't even put effort into getting custody of his son who he claimed to love more than life itself! I doubt he's put any effort into keeping these vids. I just don't think he cares. In fact, I Know he doesn't care!!! That's part of what hurts, I'm sure. The fact that he truly could care less. Still, there may come a day in the future where he gets some motivation to try and embarrass me with these vids. Better to get them GONE for sure than to have this hanging over me. I will be relieved to know they are gone. If he did Anything with those video files, I will know. I will know if he uploaded them, I will know if he renamed them, moved them, erased them, etc. He just can't outsmart the computer!! I am sure I will find that he hasn't even opened these vids ever. And if he has, I will know that too. Except for having to deal with him, knowing they are gone is going to feel So good.

#10 Nov 7 - 4AM

Scoop

Ewww the sickly nice fake

Ewww the sickly nice fake conversations vomit vomit vomit .Its how they objecterfie that is on my mind this morning , my narc although has made many attemps to speak to me face to face i wont do it to myslef . i simpley will not entertain his act anymore because i have recognise it as just another way he manipulates and controls the situation , he as learnt that people find it is very hard to be agressive when he is sitting there being nice as pie so afectivly he is using my "niceness" to his advantage , which is why he chose me in the first place . I cant help thinking you are walking into a the lions den on monday , you are going there to wipe off the computer x rated films of you to together while he is sitting right next to you .. oh my this is GOLDEN supply for a narc , he will be rubbing his hands with glee at this kind of attention . You say you have only just stopped spying on him after a year and have got to a place where you dont care what he is doing , the triggers you will have by going to his house will be cripperling for you at this stage , the point of nc is exsactly that NO CONTACT , no contact dosent mean going to his house and sitting next to him discussing porn you have made togther , Can you see that ? I have played the game in my head to get an excuse to break no contact , there are countless excusses i could come up with to pick up that phone and call him , i could go and see him right now i know where he is all day today about 500 yards away holding an open day for some sceam he is doing to help the "needy and poor " . At any time duing nc i can see him , if i wanted to and if i played the game with him i could be back in his bed my the end of the week and let me tell you something i would give my right arm to be back in his bed by end of the week , to be idolised again , to have make up sex , BUT i WONT and do you know why ? its because i have only just suvived this last 9 months of nc by the skin of my teeth , the thought of going through another D&D would kill me . Im not saying you are about to have make up sex with him or even expect anything other than the reason you are going but i think there are a few questions you have to ask youre self before you do this , ask youre self just why after all this time do you want to break nc .and another question is if you are really indiffrent about him why did you come to this site and take time to write on the board ? Big love and sorry for being shirty but i feel strongly about this as its just the kind of thing i could do right now , we need to support each other in the latter stages of deprograming from the freaks too , the end is in sight and i can smell freedom so lets not fuck up now eh?

#11 Nov 7 - 8AM (Reply to #4)

ihavethecandy

Scoop, you are right

I hear everything you are saying. In fact, I almost entitled this post "into the lion's den." It does feel that way. I have simply got to make sure those videos are off his computer!! Although I'm by no means rich and famous, I do have a career which is getting me some recognition and regional attention. My fear is that he would use the videos against me in the future. I feel it is better to get this taken care of now, while he is still in Mr. Nice Guy mode. Knowing him as I do, this niceness won't last too much longer, and I must take advantage. I will always feel uneasy about this until I know those videos are gone! This is truly the last loose end to tie up. The relationship is over!!! And, you are right, of course. If I was truly totally over him I wouldn't even be on this forum writing about it at all! I am not totally over this! I am still incredibly angry. I just refuse to give him any more emotional energy, and am using this forum instead of expressing myself to him at all about how I feel about any of this. I think you are very right about most of this, but I think you misunderstood the spying part. I left him just over a year ago. The spying only started during our most recent attempt to reconcile, and only lasted about a month. I haven't spied on him for the whole year I've been gone. Just during the last attempt. And the spying is what helped me realize I had been right about him not being able to change. Once I learned the truth, I was DONE with the spying, and DONE with him! There's nothing else to learn! He's a liar and a narc and incapable of telling the truth!! It was shortly after I realized how he truly is that I found this forum. I now know and understand So much more than I did before. I believe if I had had this site a few months ago, the most recent attempt would never have happened! Before I found this site and began research into narcs and their behavior I had come up with several ways to keep him in my life. Thankfully, I found this place and abandoned all those crazy ideas!!!! (Yay for me!) Its going to be very difficult to deal with him because I am still hurting, but I have got to remain strong, calm, and in charge of myself. Thankfully, I've only allowed myself a half hour to get this done. That's all the time it will take and I am going to feel SO much better about moving forward once I am sure that he has nothing to use against me once the nice guy routine wears off. I aint going back!!!! No way in hell!!! Once I walk out his door monday, I am truly free!! Nothing to worry about and my life can go on without worrying about those stupid videos. I don't even care if he gets supply from this situation. I'm willing to let him have some in order to get what I want! In this way, the tables have finally turned!!

#12 Nov 7 - 6AM (Reply to #2)

Used

scoop

i so agree with everything you have said...about you could get him back....i know this with narc...i could get him back[ they are so easy to get back..just not easy to keep] i so identify with all you have said..NC is so important to keep us out of the loop b/c what are we getting back...mr nothing...mr anybodys,as i used to call my narc...i felt for you as you were in a relationship with your one...mine was freindship[haha]...i knew what he was and that a relationship to him ment...turning up when he felt like it..food. s ex.drama .then leave them...thats how he treated his "RELATIONSHIPS"...i wasent going to ever be that no way....but it was hard, to just be friendly and cool...i feel so much for all the members who were in relationships with them...hell on earth...to break NC.for what ever reason[not counting kids involved]means you still want them and so havent got over...i liked your post ,but it saddened me. you would give your right arm to be there again.... scoop you are a top girl!!!

#13 Nov 7 - 11AM (Reply to #3)

Scoop

It saddens me that i would

It saddens me that i would still go there , although i wont . See when he was nice and had the mask on there was no one to come close to him in my life . It tough having him only up the road today , he is just there a stone throw away . I could walk out of my place and go get a fix just like that . ~I guess theses feeling where bound to come up after the ow did the decent thing and walked out on him .If this situation had been just a couple of months ago i think i would have broken nc , its just a hard day i guess but tommorrow he will be back in his rat infested hovel again on the other side of town .I really miss him today , the fucking piece of crap . the thing is if i did go and see him the mask would come straight off because i would pull it off , i would never stand for his shit so its all doomed i know this , just being sad today . xx

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