1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. The Path Forward Forum
  5. An interesting read....

An interesting read....

13 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Nov 19 - 2PM
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

An interesting read....

I would love to know what everyone thinks about this.

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2008/03/high-price-of-peace-at-any-...

Nov 19 - 7PM
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

for some reason I am unable

for some reason I am unable to connect to this but this may be the very first site I connected to a year or more ago. I learned a lot about all the suffering but nothing about what this really does to us, the victims. Maybe it is different now, but unfortunately I can't get it to come up. almostlydia

almostlydia

Nov 19 - 2PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Mean...

Mine always said I was so "mean" to him whenever I pointed out that I was unhappy that he was constantly late, constantly changing plans, destroying things without my consent, constantly doing some other disrespecting behavior. When I decided to stop being silent about things I became "mean." During the go-round before the final D & D, he actually texted me that "it is easier for you to be mean to me than to give me a hug." Momentarily I felt sorry for his disordered *&@. As a lifelong member of the 'nice girl club,' I still battle with feeling sorry for hurting anyone or causing any pain or discomfort. Yesterday I actually felt sorry for him again. I second-guessed myself and my actions. Everything. Today, I don't feel so sorry. Thank you Shayna'sMommy. This was good to read right now. I always learn a lot from you and your strength. Please send some my way. Sincerely (trying with all my might to stop) spinning

spinning

Nov 19 - 6PM (Reply to #11)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Shayna's mommy

I feel like a founding father/woman of the nice girls club growing up in an era where most girls were expected to "be nice."i know for far too long and too often i kept the peace with the EXN, did not express my opinions as freely as I had done in other relationships and let him run all over me boundary wise, peace at any price IS NOT PEACE AT ALL, I have learned.NOw I will let the chips fall where they many and be true to myself, isn't that what it is all about??????????????
Nov 19 - 5PM (Reply to #9)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

When I had finally had

When I had finally had enough and said I couldnt have anymore contact with the first of 10 times I was told dont make a mean decsion. Yet this last time he discarded me would not respond to anything "silent treatment" but Im the mean one.
Nov 19 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

sick of it

I have horrible memories about the silent treatment. I researched the crap out of that issue. It drove me crazy and I knew it was on purpose. I don't care now but at the time, I would be dying inside knowing I had to go home to this man.
Nov 19 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Xnh was exactly the same. I

Xnh was exactly the same. I was always "mean" to poor little him. It was never that he was late, ruined anything, made me cry on my birthday's, was rude and cruel to me, etc. I was "mean" if I said anything to him about his actions. He frequently did things like the following example: Xnh decided he "needed" to buy microphones to record his drum playing. We could only afford $150 at the time, and I was fine with the agreement to spend no more than that amount. I thought I WAS being nice to him here. It was a luxury and we really didn't have the money. He promptly bought $900 worth of microphones, and *I* was "mean" to him because I got upset. According to xnh, he did NOTHING wrong. I just started a fight "for no reason" by saying something about our previous agreement. He actually had the gall to tell me that I should be "happy" because he had such a cool set of mikes. IMO, his mikes would have looked a whole lot more "cool" shoved somewhere on xnh the sun doesn't shine...but then again I'm apparently just "mean". lol. Xnh seriously told me when he D&D'd me, that I had started every single argument that we'd had in the past 16 years. According to him I laid awake every night thinking of things to pick at him about. Well, I hate to break it to Mr. Massive Ego but he simply isn't worth that amount of effort...what I did at night was SLEEP. According to xnh, he was allowed to act like a flaming turd whenever he wanted, and I was supposed to be "nice" about whatever he did. If I didn't, I was "mean". It was NEVER that xnh actions were unacceptable. *I* just wasn't "nice" because I confronted him. Grrrrr.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Nov 19 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

spinning

your'e welcome. sending you all that and ((((hugs))) as well.
Nov 19 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
spinning
spinning's picture

A floodgate...?

For some background on how "mean" I am/was: I was so mean I gave him more than $900 in the first year of our relationship. I was so "mean" I gave him full access to my home in the second year of our relationship. I was so "mean" I prepared lovely meals, steaks, shrimps, pasta, etc. while working full time at a high stress job. I was so "mean" I soothed his sobbing, wall hitting rages when he'd use them to deflect responsibility for ANYTHING that's ever happened to him ever in his entire life. I was so "mean" that I forgave him after a 14 day disappearing act where he refused to answer his phone or return any of my messages. I was so "mean" I forgave him when I busted him in the first (of many, many) HUGE LIES. By then I didn't know what I was dealing with. This happened over and over I was so "mean." I so needed to read this today. The writer's strong stance on this subject has led me to try harder to check out of the 'nice girl club' and check into the 'I'm a good, kind, caring person' club and not feel bad that someone who has very skillfully and painfully demonstrated the very definition of "mean" took advantage of that. Thank you again, everyone on this board, for all you share. Sincerely, (trying hard to stop) spinning

spinning

Nov 19 - 5PM (Reply to #4)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

oh yeah spin,

I did all of those "mean" things to(for) my exn as well, so I hear you. They never focus on the positive beacause nothing cool we do for them is ever gonna be enough. The only time I was even remotely "mean" to him was after he D&D me, called off our wedding for the 2ND (yes, 2nd)time, and left me for a girl he used to know in highschool(this was 2002 and he graduated in 1992), was when I told him to fuck off when he broke NC and when I told him no when he asked for the engagement ring back. I said I needed to sell it in order to survive financially. THAT really pissed him off!
Nov 19 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

ShaynasMommy

You were mean to him? lol. I would love to tell you what I think of the link, but I can't. This work computer won't let me open this link. I think it's best that I cannot read it. It must be a sign? I will take it as a sign. If I am missing something that will help in my recovery, feel free to email it to me. PS- I wanted to thank you for trying your best to explain things to me from day one :( From the start you know I loved your responses even if they hurt. I know for a fact that you were honest and I love that about you. Did you block the mutual FB friends?
Nov 19 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Blue,

aww thanks honey. If I ever was harsh, please forgive me, it wasn't intended to hurt you. I don't consider you the type to need "tough love" anyways, all you asked for was the truth about Narcissists. How can I email this to you? I emailed Betty and asked for her help in asking you about email communication, but I haven't heard back from her. did she ever contact you? I haven't blocked anybody yet. there are only a few mutual friends and I don't think he has much contact with them. The reason I know he talks shit about me still is that....ok, I'll try to make a long story short....I contacted a mutual friend about 6 months ago just to catch up with him and he told me in passing that he thought that N was " a bit of a dumbass" for losing me. After I stopped laughing, curiosity got the better of me and I looked N up, his wall page is hidden from ppl he hasnt freinded, but I could still see his photos, and I came across several old pics with me included. In all of them, he would label everyone by name, but me.....he labeled me "Evil." Not "the ex" or "some chick I was with," just Evil. That's what catapulted my search for some final answers and, ultimately landed me here. A lot of things made sense after that. So, in short, if he still has the inclination and the nerve to post shit like that about me on FB, you know he is badmouthing me still to anyone who will listen, new supply, male buddies, his wife, etc. almost TEN YEARS LATER!!!!
Nov 19 - 6PM (Reply to #7)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

shaynasmommy

I remember the "evil story" but you elaborated more. Boy, does it make sense. You are evil for knowing what he is and CHOOSING to leave him. EVIL. I wonder if he will try to contact you because he can see you vis mutual friends? Ugh, I hope not! Yes, on your "No doubt he is bad mouthing you" comment. He has no alternative. Ten years is nothing to them, it has meaning to us tho which makes us crazy. No, Betty did'nt contact me. Did you sign up for the new site? There is an inbox section and it's much easier. I know your busy these days but they posted something about working on the site and not to log on. Betty posted they are conducting their work on the site. Idk? So don't quote me. My verbal communication is horrible today especially. PS- You wrote " If I ever was harsh, please forgive me, it wasn't intended to hurt you" NEVER once did you hurt me. I meant that from day one you always gave me honesty and I LOVE you for that. Your right, I was looking for the truth about Narcissim but still I feel so diffrent and I owe some of that to your honesty and patience. XOXOX