Peace

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#1 Nov 20 - 11AM

almostlydia

Peace

I wanted to share this with all of you because I think that last night I really came to understand what this peace we all talk about really is. I don’t think I really got it until last night, and maybe it will be of some comfort to you as it will continue to be for me. Or maybe I am just the last to get it:) or maybe I just needed a big reminder.
I have been struggling for a while because there is so little about my life that is even recognizable anymore. My children of 20 yrs are gone, my house is empty (just me and my dog) and up for sale, the N of 10 yrs is gone, the job is gone and even the cell phone that used to require over 3000 minutes per month barely requires recharging on a daily basis because it just doesn’t ring anymore. So, here it was, another Fri night, despite a few good hours out with a friend, I am home by 6 without a single soul around or a single plan for what to do. I could feel the ‘woe is me, pity party’ coming and then it hit me.
I was on my big comfortable sofa, in my warm house that I love, with a big fire in the fireplace and suddenly I was just so grateful for it all. The fact that at this time, a year ago and at least all 4 yrs prior, when I was sitting here like this, every moment of my life was so full of anguish and torment and gutwrenching agony for all the lies and betrayals constantly going on behind my back with the N. I was no longer sitting here crying, or raging, or all twisted up inside and drinking myself into oblivion. This agonizing nightmare that had enveloped my life and was slowly destroying me, was now all gone. It was the most amazing comforting thing in the world. The only way to know real peace like this is to have lived pure hell like that. All the difficulties ahead, even the residual damage, seem to pale in comparison to what that hell was.
So, thank you ladies for being here. From now on, when I say I have peace in my life I really know what it is.

almostlydia

#2 Nov 22 - 9AM

spinning

Thank you almostlydia...

Weekends are tough. It's only been the past two that I haven't stayed with my sister and embraced the big black hole that is my isolated home in the woods by myself. Alone. Empty. Phone not ringing, etc. While I'm not jumping off the roof with happiness, I did find that I've crossed the "hump" of not having the frenzy of whatever it is that was constantly going on with him, when or if he would text, call, rage, etc. I am slowly realizing in small increments that I do not miss him. I, too, cry unexpectedly. Broke down horribly last Thursday and thought I would die. I didn't. I prayed for clarity; for peace and guidance and I commanded him to get out of my head. It helped. I am so grateful that you posted this. I am 16 days NC and have only seen him once in 26 days. This thread is a reminder that there is hope for true peace and even a little happiness--even if it is all by myself--on the horizon. Thank you again to all who posted on this thread. Getting out of this has been such hard work and such an ongoing process (almost two years) that I am relieved to hear the stories of strength and triumph Sincerely, (trying hard to stop) spinning

spinning

#3 Nov 22 - 1AM

Lisa E. Scott

AlmostLydia

Great discussion thread, AlmostLydia! Thanks for sharing. I'm so glad you are appreciating the moment. You have come a long way from a year ago and it's wonderful that you see that. You should be very proud. When I start to get lonely, I catch myself too. I have started to "Enjoy the Silence" (great song reference Susan!) and realize it's much better than drama and chaos. Much, much better. I've been trying to finish my book so I'm pretty behind on the board, but the book is almost done. Yesterday, I attended my Great Aunt & Uncle's funeral service. It was a very nice memorial service and so nice to see relatives I had not seen in years. Life really is precious and I have so much to be grateful for. I spent most of today finishing the bulk of the book. I'm hoping you will find it helpful. I've been talking a lot in the new book about living in the moment so this discussion thread really resonates with me. If you stop in the moment and ask yourself if you are ok, you realize you are not starving, you are not oppressed and you are not a prisoner of war somewhere. You are in a safe place and have much to be grateful for. It is a daily conscious effort to stay in the moment, especially in today's busy world. Appreciating the simple things in life is a good lesson for those who need to learn to live in the moment. By doing this, we begin to engage our senses to the point where everything we experience becomes more real and vivid. When we sense everything around us, we start to feel life. This is when we begin to ENGAGE in life rather than merely OBSERVE it. This is living! Become fascinated with nature. The beauty of nature is one way God shows us he exists. Beauty provides us with a source of inspiration that is available everywhere to everyone. Embrace the gift of the present moment and realize how blessed you are. The present moment is all we really have. The present should be the primary focus of your life. You can always cope with the present moment, but you cannot cope with something that hasn’t happened yet and you cannot change the past. You can control how you respond to the present moment and how you respond to the present moment determines your future. We have a choice to be happy and embrace the moment or be miserable and remain stuck. I choose to be happy and hope you will join me in my journey. xoxo

#4 Nov 22 - 1AM (Reply to #22)

almostlydia

Thanks for your wonderful

Thanks for your wonderful response, Lisa. It is not that all is perfectly great, it is more like 'Thank God it is not like that anymore'. That is a lot to be thankful for. almostlydia

almostlydia

#5 Nov 22 - 1AM (Reply to #23)

Lisa E. Scott

Indeed, AlmostLydia

That is a lot to be thankful for and you deserve it! I couldn't be happier for you. So glad you're here to share your wisdom. xoxo

#6 Nov 22 - 12AM

ClusterF

YAY!!

It's precious! Good for you! I had it, gone now but I had it! I'll have it again. Enjoy!

#7 Nov 21 - 11PM

terri

wonderful news

I loved reading your post almostlydia. I can certainly relate. I'm not quite there yet but on my way. I think it comes around to loving ourself again - and loving ourself MORE than we love (or loved) the narc. I think this is the promise land! The irony is that I think we were probably closer to this place when we first met the narc and have spent the time with the narc (many years for so many on this board) trying to find our way back. You are definitely there my dear and you are my inspiration!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#8 Nov 22 - 12AM (Reply to #19)

almostlydia

thanks, Terri. It is not

thanks, Terri. It is not the promised land yet, but it is the beginning of getting there. almostlydia

almostlydia

#9 Nov 21 - 5AM

jen79

Milk that feeling almostlydia

milk it, and stay there for a while and when you slip out, try to remember how you felt this moment, and then talk yourself into that again and then milk it and stay there as long as possible.... We have to train ourselves back to more moments of peace... Thanks for that post!!!!

#10 Nov 20 - 6PM

lynn61

almostlydia

thank you for this post! i think if i remember right our stories are similar. i am getting ready soon to finalize the divorce of a 29 year marriage. i am alone in an adorable apartment that is all mine. it is filled with peace and tranquility and i am surrounded by a HUGE support system and best friends with my grown daughters (and i have a strong faith). i understand the peace you experience and the gratitude also. i miss what could have been but none of the betrayal, lies, cheating etc. that caused such inner chaos. life is good, is it not?!

really??

#11 Nov 20 - 10PM (Reply to #16)

almostlydia

lynn61

excellent question, 'life is good, is it not?' Before I stopped and thought about how much pain I was no longer in, I was ready for a pity party. Then I remembered and thanked God for no more anguish, so yes, it is. It was an excellent thing to stop all the other craziness and remember how free I was of the worst thing ever in my life. almostlydia

almostlydia

#12 Nov 20 - 5PM

faithinthefuture

almostlydia

in all sincerity you sound like you should be a Hallmark card. :-) The pure honesty of what you felt a year ago and what led up to it broke my heart. I knew exactly what you were saying. The rawness of what we went thru. And survived. And then to hear about the peace you have found just sitting in your home and it's wonderful surroundings was awesome! I felt your peace. And your strength. I wanted to be sitting on your couch too! I think this will help all of us. To just sit down, look at what we have and we do have soo much to be thankful for. Thank you!

#13 Nov 20 - 10PM (Reply to #12)

almostlydia

faithinthefuture

I was thinking about you and your weekend when I wrote this. It was an invaluable thing to realize and relieved a great many other things that suddenly did not seem so terrible any more. I wish I was a hallmark card material and could hook up with them:) almostlydia

almostlydia

#14 Nov 21 - 11AM (Reply to #13)

faithinthefuture

thank you almostlydia

for thinking about me. Weekends can be tough. Yesterday driving home from work I started to cry. Had no idea where the hell it was coming from and then I read what you wrote. I meant what I said I felt your peace. And today it's a dreary fall day and I think it's beautiful. I have candles lit all over my home. I'm going to do some cooking and watch football ( a HUGE rivalry game between my state and state where our Xquarterback went to) and enjoy the peace of my home. It's like you are saying. All of a sudden we relive these other moments and they aren't so terrible anymore. We are getting to that place of TRUE peace. I have to share this. I had a meeting at work the other day and I was told I was either the most sincere person while talking to people on the phone or I am the best faker he has ever met. He then told me I know which one you are and I want to bottle up how you deal with people and take a spray bottle and spray everyone else that works here. Don't ever change who you are. As we know while and after being with a N we start to question who we are.who we have become. this man at work words told me I was still me. i wasn't completely gone. :-) We are going to be ok almostlydia. I believe that with all of my heart. We will be forever changed. But we are going to be ok.

#15 Nov 21 - 9PM (Reply to #14)

almostlydia

faithinthefuture

Sometimes when you least expect it someone comes along an reminds you of how great you are just when you most need it. I couldn't be happier for you when I read this. Sounds just like my weekend, cooking, candles, fire, football. What a great thing that happened to you at work. I'm sure it is completely true too. It's good to be appreciated for being sincere and genuine when the world seems to be all about none of these things. We are going to be ok. almostlydia

almostlydia

#16 Nov 20 - 12PM

blueeyes

You are very lucky

"I was on my big comfortable sofa, in my warm house that I love, with a big fire in the fireplace and suddenly I was just so grateful for it all." I love the above quote. I cannot wait for those days. Thank you for the reminder of what is in the future for my family.

#17 Nov 20 - 11AM

Susan32

Enjoy the Silence

Depeche Mode has a song titled "Enjoy the Silence." French philosopher Blaise Pascal spoke of a man who is so at peace that he can be in a room by himself. Pascal wasn't speaking of Narcs ;) I haven't seen the ex-P in the past decade. I'm still friends with some people from college, who saw me through the D&D. I'm still close to my family... the ex-P expected me to sacrifice my family for him. But then I wouldn't have been able to go to Boston where my sister, BIL and nephew live....LOL.... In the past 7 years, I've written and been published on the subject of religion, despite the fact he explicitly discouraged me from doing so :0 He claimed to be a vegetarian (he wasn't, off-campus he chowed down on hamburgers)... but I'm the one with a bunch of vegetarian magazines/cookbooks. The irony. I still hang out with "weird" people. He hated gays/lesbians... I have gay/lesbian friends. Plenty to be grateful for in the past decade ;)

#18 Nov 20 - 11AM

Used

hear hear

i done this today...even tho i am on antibiotics and feel yuk, ilooked round and thought i can count on one hand[not counting the thumb..lol...who has been here in the last year...my family...getting texts, not afraid to look at them, the phone not ringing so much, but when it does ,i am not frightened to pick it up.. sitting here, frezzing outside, me cozy, my beign ill,yeah it is a pain[chest infection], but no one saying come on out you will be ok...going out to meet him getting worse for beign out. my dilaw bought me shopping round today had a cuppa and left... he would never have got me shopping then left...he even said to me once...go to bed..i will watch tv...he didnt live here he was only a mate...my coughing fits...that is going to kill you off you know?, no ,him beign in my company was killing me off by degrees.....so i sit in my quiet little home...look round, cosy, think of my beloved family...peace and serenity and today ,my cup truly runneth over.again .that is twice in as many months...god bless to you allxxxx

#19 Nov 20 - 12PM (Reply to #5)

desprathousewife

Awww sorry to hear you are

Awww sorry to hear you are feeling poorly used. Weathers crap over here at the moment too :( Get well soon girl...mwah

#20 Nov 20 - 1PM (Reply to #6)

Used

dhw

thanks for that...and yes the weather is so poxy, i am afraid to take my little chest infection out..lol

#21 Nov 21 - 5AM (Reply to #7)

desprathousewife

PMSL used

Afraid to take ya little chest infection out indeedy :) If it makes you feel better, although mine aint infected, I have a little chest too. You can borrow one of my mega padded bras if you like. They weigh a ton but keep your chest warm and toasty :) I remember my first time with the narc, I took off my bra and he piped up 'Hey, thats bloody false advertising' LOL Awwww the mammories :)

#22 Nov 21 - 6AM (Reply to #8)

Used

dhw

at the moment, i have vick smothered on my chest..8antibotics and steriods, a stinking cold, living on honey and lemon...and i cant even blame my narc for it, cos ime 13mnths nc...lol.. oh and 2 long fleece nighties on...who said romance was dead!!!..me and narc were friends so he never knew me like that,, but, he had gigantic man boobs, and i used to think ...WHAT A MAN!!!!cos all he was is A BIG TIT!oh and this is the first time in over a week i have cleaned my house and changed the bed....well someone,s gotta do it..apparently my exh has flu and has been in bed for a week ..13mnths nc with him too....lucky him beign in bed for a week...BLESS HIM!!!!!

#23 Nov 20 - 11AM

desprathousewife

No thank YOU

That really warmed the cockles of my heart :) Why is it that we end up so embroiled in the endless drama they cause and then when it's gone and there is just silence, it's deafening and we feel lost. I understand completely. I now treasure the solitude and peace and quiet, no longer having to run around like a headless chicken trying to keep him happy, making sure every meal I made him was just so, just the right amount of butter on his bread, milk and sugar in his tea. Making sure his food was not too hot or too cold. Grrrr absolutely every thought I had related to 'keeping him sweet'. Here's to the serenity of peace :)

#24 Nov 20 - 5PM (Reply to #2)

almostlydia

'Why is it that we end up so

'Why is it that we end up so embroiled in the endless drama they cause and then when it's gone and there is just silence, it's deafening and we feel lost.' Very well put - you have the peace of distance and clarity but the turmoil inside is still so present. And then one night you finally exhale, when you realize that the terrible turmoil of THAT is over, and you were so busy dealing with all the fallout you forgot what great thing has finally left your body - for the most part and how that is the best thing in the entire world to not feel that anguish anymore. The funny thing was that when I was driving home beginning the woe is me thing because it was 6 pm on a fri night and i was going home, for a brief moment I thought , yea well I bet he's out there...............TORMENTING SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE. And then I laughed out loud. I swear this is the first thought that came to mind. Is that good or what? Thanks, ladies for you wonderful responses. Sorry, Used your feeling so bad and the weather is porky there:) Blueeyes, remember this time because when it is lifted, and it will be in time, you will find so much happiness in just being on the sofa, with a warm fire and the most loyal little companion always laying close by, you will know that you have lived to tell the tale and survived the worst hell. Maybe we should have Tshirts made:) You guys are so terrific. almostlydia

almostlydia

#25 Nov 21 - 12AM (Reply to #3)

MsVulcan500

Peace

I always say my life is so calm and peaceful now. A narc would call it boring. :) Sure I'm home most Friday and Saturday nights, but I'm not worrying if he's going to call or text and have me jumping to try to please him, I'm not hearing about how HIS life is so unfair or how he's so much better than so-and-so. Sure, I have the usual issues at work, sometimes something pops up with one of my kids, but overall everything is so calm. At first it did feel like a big black hole. That's because the narc filled every crevice of my mind and my life. But after a while I embraced the quiet and peace and calm. It's a beautiful thing. This weekend I am getting ready for some friends who are coming to visit. And what gives me perverse pleasure about this is they were the narc's friends, and now they are mine. Yep, I stole them from him. Hahahahaha! They like me better, neener neener neener!!

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