Urghhhhhh , I saw him ... unknowingly :(

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#1 Aug 13 - 10AM

confused123

Urghhhhhh , I saw him ... unknowingly :(

Hi guys,
I haven't been on in a while , ive been feeling quite low - Weeks ago before i started no contact i thought i could be friends with this man , BEFORE we had arranged a date to see each other as friends .... After No contact for well over a week or so i didnt expect him to turn up , yet he drove 2 hours and still turned up with flowers, body language that would have made a person feel this man was in love and full of "friendly hugs" ... yes i allowd him in my home - im such a soft shit, at times i felt sorry for the bloke! I thought i could do this as friends - while he was here i felt okay , when he went home the good times of our relationship came flooding back and i missed him- and have sat crying for a few days ... When he was here he was telling me how he wants me to move on and meet a new BF and he wants to be happy for me , he also told me about a concert hes going to which he knew i wanted to go to while we were together - that felt like a stomach punch because he told me he wasnt going , i made other plans , and now we are apart he is going - OUCH!.... However although he was saying he wanted me to move on , he also felt "necessary" to show me his texts and that he has nothing to hide .... when he asked to see mine i told him no .... some are private (and also about him - though i didnt say that) ... he told me i had something to hide ....??? No Nothing .... I just didnt feel necessary to conform ... he was telling me he was deeply deeply in love with me , but it didnt work ..... He still compares himself against other men , and the final blow was when he said "im happy with ME , no matter how in love i was" .... That was it , i asked him if he had heard the term narcissist!!!! ... his responce ....."a what?" ... said it all for me ! .... So now i sit here gloomy and weak xx

C xoxo

#2 Aug 16 - 8AM

grossot

I hear ya!

My narc wanted me move on too! It's amazing how they are so freakishly alike! Then in an argument he said that it would be nice if I got remarried to a batterer! He would never have hit me himself - this would have been evidence of his abuse! Then, after 7 yrs of marriage and a multiple affairs on his part he said to me, "so you never fooled around with anyone?" nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#3 Aug 15 - 1PM

Carolyn

Your attitude feels gloomy

Your attitude feels gloomy and weak you are a strong lady and know that this guy has nothing real for you just fantasy. He has nothing for any other woman either. he is just a man without any depth of emotion, empathy, or sympathy who preys on the emotions of women. He feels no guilt, enjoys the 'game', and goes from one person to another making problems. these men are so problematic that eventually they lose everything and everyone. Gloom isn't healthy. Get out, go somewhere, talk to someone in a coffeeshop, buy a book on relationships, go to a Church, go to a gym, go swimming, and start to come out of the past and plan your future. It is terrible to be hurt like this but he will only sabotage never build. It is the carrot and the stick trick to get the donkey to go where you want. he just put out the carrot and waited to see if you would be co-operative. At least you are smart enough to know what is happening to you many women, I was one, were just confused all the time. Go for the future the heck with the past.

#4 Aug 13 - 11AM

confused123

I also need to add - I met a

I also need to add - I met a guy as a FRIEND ... I was very honest from the beginning im healing and need time , but am willing to be his friend , well within 2 weeks he "thinks" hes in love with me !! I've been scared off ! And when i told him i need time , and it isnt just how he feels , i got a poisoness email back personally insulting me ... I told him NOT to contact me again , i dont need it - and he replyed saying the minute he sent the email he regretted it and didnt mean a word , hes just "hurting" coz he likes me so much - and i think its all because he wants more than what i do at the minute , weve shared a hug and convo's but ive always said i am NOT ready .... and have been honest to protect him - i was out with my friends on saturday night - i went out with them , met up with him for a few hours and wanted to go home with them , when i told him i was going he "wasnt happy with me" .... he then came around the next day and wanted to call it "truce" i said well not before i tell you how i felt about the way you "werent happy with me" for going with my friends! .... He rambled on , i got up and said , ive had enough of this and walked into the kitchen - of which he said yeah! so have i ! proceeded to walk out then came in the kitchen .. i asked him who EXACTLY am i allowd to have as mates?? after 2 WEEKS of knowing him ?? .... he then started shouting , saying "i could have given you everything" ... " you and that looser can have each other" talking about the ex N - itold him not to come back , he emailed me , i emailed back ... how i needed time , and it wasnt all about HIM - and i got the personal insults ... Im scared of the thought of ever dating again aswell as male friends !! C xx

#5 Aug 13 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

tina

Wow!

this man is no friend. from what you have said, he sounds like a nut job to me and you are better off w/o him in your life esp after just knowing him for 2 weeks! give yourself a break, get your head together and let your heart heal. that way, when you do meet a QUALITY man, you will be ready. holy cow, he certainly has issues!!!

#6 Aug 13 - 12PM (Reply to #3)

confused123

Yeah , thanx tina xI was

Yeah , thanx tina x I was really hurt at his reactions when ive been so honest ! ... i said from the start i wasnt ready for anything he wanted but would have liked to be mates! .... Before i had met him , we had mutual mates on FB .... as soon as i added him , he was commenting on my pics saying "one day i'll marry this girl!" ... that scared me a bit , and i put him straight about friendship .... then that couple of weeks later when we got closer as mates , and i still told him his possessivness was not what i asked for , and i asked for mates ... then in his email a few days ago he basically called me a bad mum etc ... and i know im not ... he just seemed to know how to hit me where it hurt :( .... why do i attract these nutters? Im beginning to think my soft nature is bait ! ... But if i toughen up i wont feel like me :( x

#7 Aug 13 - 12PM (Reply to #26)

Scoop

hey there , forget this

hey there , forget this "friend" even a narc has the good grace to be nice to you for a few months lol . Oh My . I am begining to think there is something in the water with all these men !May be its the ressession , maybe its the war or the fear culture but i think there is something going down . Anyway , you saw your narc and you got as flat as a pancake .Mixed messages or what , How a man can say i love you to your face but in the next sentance say you must move on is beyond me . I saw my narc last week and i had a few days of crying my eyes out .It is such a hard thing to go no contact and i recon its only after a few meetings with him do you really get that this man is bad for you ,there is only so much you can take . i wasted a good week feeling like i was loosing my mind , i really did think this . I will say it to you and to myself NO CONTACT ,NO CONTACT !!! it is seeping in on some level . Its just how many times am i going to get the brick wall when i use to get the charm , im like a Pavlof Dog styimulas and responce . Its crazy . We are smart though i will get it but just not over night , i want to wake up in the morning and have it all go away but i guess my brain has to do what it has to do and i have to wate till its done . 18 months seems along time seeing as im only in month 2 . You are not alone sister , im right where you are at . Ill have a cry for you too , i hate the fact that my eyes are puffy all the time , i have to go out tonight and once again i have been crying on and off all day . I hate him for this ! Peru x

#8 Aug 13 - 1PM (Reply to #27)

confused123

hey Perutoo

I didnt see you responce untill now .... But my eyes are puffy too , i feel hollow , and i feel used and manipulated ... Yet there is still a fine thread hanging me on ... i feel dead inside , my eyes cannot stop running ... It sounds pathetic , when he rang me the otherday and i was telling him how I FELT - he started singing over me - he didnt wanna hear it ! ... I said WOW ! You have sooooooo much anger in you ! You are NOT the man i was physically with OR that i met - he got Soooooooo Angry and told me i was spoiling his night .... i think i need to change my number actually :( ..... sorry for being so british - but why do these wankers think thier shit dont stink ! .... hes made me soooo angry yet sad ! :( xx

#9 Aug 13 - 1PM (Reply to #28)

Scoop

Wankers the lot of them and

Wankers the lot of them and further more BOLLOCKS to them . ! im going out to get rat arsed . Acutaly i wont be getting rat arse but i bloody feel like it ! Peace out Peru x

#10 Aug 13 - 1PM (Reply to #29)

confused123

Good on you babe ! ... I

Good on you babe ! ... I feel like getting rat arsed most nights , but thank GOD my little boy keeps me from drunkeness ... or i might say a few things i (WONT)regret to the N ! haha - and actually , im at the stage i dread speaking to him .... have a good time xx

#11 Aug 13 - 12PM (Reply to #4)

tina

I understand

Boy, it is hard and you are correct, you don't want to change the good qualities that make you the special person you are. Maybe be a bit more cautious and take your time, many of us have good intuition and we do not go with our gut enough...I need to practice this as well :)

#12 Aug 13 - 12PM (Reply to #5)

confused123

Thanks x

Thanks Tina x My EX N also rang the otherday , on a witheld number , i know its stupid , but i spoke to him despite it being him ... i told him what had gone on - and he's turned it into a way to make him seem "good guy" and that i'm going crazy and that i expect too much from men :( .... I dont know if im coming or going , i feel hes making me crazy and i just wanna run away :( Im So So weepy and sad xx He even mocked the way i say words when im upset - saying (Go onnnn say ittt !!) , and i said dont try knock me down it wont work (even though it did) , just go away and enjoy your curry with your mates ... subconscienly (SP) i even wanted him to enjoy his curry .... I feel weak and pathetic .... And starting to feel he's right :( - why is this SO hard , no-one understands , and it seems silly - i feel the only one in the UK going through this :( xx

#13 Aug 14 - 5AM (Reply to #24)

Rose-Marie (not verified)

Hi Confused

Just wanted to say Hi. I am in the UK too and love the description "Wankers" and "Tossers" describes the Narcs to a "T". Just wanted you to know you are not alone in the UK. I just get really sad that I have had two narcs in my life and I don't know anyone else who has even had one. I am about three months out now and still burst out crying approximately every other day wondering how he is and what he is doing. I am practising non-contact but it doesn't make the feelings or the longing go away, even though I know that things would be much worse if I were with him. Eighteen months seems a lifetime away. Anyway, just thought I would say hello. Rosy

#14 Aug 14 - 6AM (Reply to #25)

confused123

Hi Rose Marie :) Its nice

Hi Rose Marie :) Its nice that there are others here who understand! Well done for your no contact , i was getting there untill he turned up still , and i know how you feel about the longing and wanting to make contact. They really are addictive! 18 months seems like a very long time , i agree :( .. Its hard for outside friends to understand unless they are going through it ... sometimes i feel the psycho for being addicted to this kind of person :( ... Its nice to meet you and thanks for saying hi! :) C xx

#15 Aug 14 - 3AM (Reply to #7)

Scoop

You are not alone

I have just experienced blank patronising looks from people when i try and explane what has happened to me , my friend just think i am heart broken , well yes i am heart broken but no one understands the man as he has this well crafted fake self . My friends proberly think im heart broken because he was suck a great guy ! To mock someone when they are crying is a sure clear sign you are dealing with evil , dont ever think his sad twisted view of the world and you are right .In my world if someone is reduced to tears thats means "time out "it means STOP it means try another track .although i honestly never remember reducing someone to tears , im far too soft for that and would pick up i am upsetting someone way beyond the tears stage . I have struggled all my life thinking all people think and act like me , so when someone is really upset or angry with me and i cry and they carry on shouting i artomaticly believe i must have done something so terrible because that would be the only reason I would act like that . I would proberly act like that if Hitler was infrount of me or someone like that . Its natural to feel guilt if someone is upset with you . the Narc doesnt get this , he doesnt work like this , its any energy they can get with out morals . You are not alone in the uk , theres me and our Rose Marie for sure , if we were in the States we would proberly have someone in our city who would offer counciling , someone would have heared about the condition and know what we are dealing with . I would be up for starting something in the uk or get involved if there is a group here , is there? I cant bare the thought of women going unsuported in this . Peru x

#16 Aug 14 - 5AM (Reply to #21)

confused123

Thanks Peru And Barbara

Peru , i didn't realise you were from the Uk! I think sometimes i feel paranoid i'm the only woman in the country who knows or has experienced a Narc! And yes , I don't know why i was so surprised at his lack of empathy when he talked over everything i said , turned his music up , and mocked my upset tone. I should never have been surprised , In the past when i have been upset - it was all "too emotionally too much for him" - Draining me of the one support i needed from my ex boyfriend - and which he couldnt give - he told me hes a "sensitive little soul" .... When i saw him we had a conversation , it was basically him trying to change my view on life ... and how EVERYONE should feel so lucky because the earth is just a piece of rock spinning and we should grasp life everyday ....... my responce was " yes you love life so much that you discard of love and let life opportunities pass you by" .... Then he went on to talk about how successful hes been in his life ... "job , nice car , nice apartment" ... to which i replied yes , all very material - i dont hear your successes in love - one of the most important things in life that HUMANS crave for!! whislt talking about being on a piece of rock - he also said something to the tune of "Everyone is lucky that i grace gods earth" O.O ........ before i Knew he was an Narc i would have took this as jumped up humour , now i actually think he really Thinks this!! What i don't understand - (Great radio talk btw Barbara - i just listened) - what i dont understand is if a narc can't love ,why was my EX narc SOOOO sickenly close to his mother - there at her every whim , she does his washing and ironing still - because he lives "in an apartment with no washing line" - he acts as taxi for her and her friends etc , and his whole world revolves around her - yet im convinced he is this way due to his fathers death as a teenager and the lack of emotional support he recieved because his mum was "so depressed" - that his emotional support was left out by her ... (Massive underindulgement ant such a traumatic time) yet the bloke worships her! - I'm not saying he shouldn't , its his mum after all - but to such a degree?? when he is unable to love other women and maintain an adult relationship? I hope you understand what i mean ... x

#17 Aug 14 - 3PM (Reply to #22)

Barbara (not verified)

confused123 - mother issues

a lot of male narcs have mother issues. being so close & doing her bidding is NOT LOVE. She's probably as narcissistic or she may even be sociopathic. This is a trauma bond and she asks for nothing from him emotional and pumps up his ego. Many of these mothers turn a blind eye to their abuse because they are abusive themselves. THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!!!!!!! This is COVERT INCEST (http://www.covertincest.org) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

#18 Aug 15 - 3AM (Reply to #23)

confused123

Barbara ...

Thankyou so much for that - "Covert incest" i didn't realise it was called that ! ... I think this bit of info fits my Ex Narc and his mother to a T .... "Covert incest occurs when a child plays the role of a surrogate husband or wife to a lonely, needy parent. The parentâ€™s need for companionship is met through the child. The child is bound to the parent by excessive feelings of responsibility for the welfare of the parent. The demand for loyalty to the lonely, needy parent overwhelms the child and becomes the major organizing experience in the childâ€™s development" It may sound sad , but i remembermany times being frustrated with him and his mothers relationship - at times very jealous - and this was because he was ALWAYS there for her emotionally , yet when it came to my emotions and me needing support, i never recieved that on the same level as her! My emotions were brought on by much more traumatic things at the time compared to a pebble being thrown at her window for example! I often said to him when he got frustrated about his mothers housing problems and he had even offered her to move in with him - to which she declined many many times..."Do you not feel your mam is being a bit selfish to you? You have offered her a way out of her house problems and yet she still declines , even though she often says to you it will lead her to an early grave!?? If its SOOO bad and she feels her life is threatened , shouldnt she take up that offer rather than putting you through emotional strain?" His responce - "me and my mam have always been there through difficult times , she does things for me and i do things for her" .... I may aswell of banged my head on a brick wall , they are both very martyrish looking back .... At one point when she was telling me how "bad" her estate was , i said "well have you not thought of maybe taking up the Narcs offer of moving in? Maybe that will help!" .... For a moment she looked bewildered , paused for a minute (Possibly thinking of what to say because someone had dared to challenge her) ... and her responce was .... "no because i cant leave all my things here". I replied - "your health is much more important". It seems she has problem after another ... Her husband dying and making the Narc her surrogate husband at 13. Then her mum was ill ... Making the Narc his grans carer and restricting his childhood again. Now the housing situation. I would say in his late 20's when he started relationships and couldnt hold one down the damage was already done. Looking back i've noticed many red flags from her ... She told me the first time of meeting her about the Narcs ex GF , and how it didnt last because "she wanted to move in didn't she son" - with a (cackle) ... like it was humourous her son was so "independant" How i was sat there at her house one time when the narc was talking of job problems, and asking him if he would work abroad - (I had been seeing him for 18 months and felt very hurt and insignificant) How she told me when i saw him that i was good for him , "noone was there through his greif as a teenager because she was so depressed everyone was worried about her and not him " ... and that shestold him he needs counselling. Yet on the same token , when i wasnt there , the narc also told me she said to him that "he has always done well by himself". They live 10 minutes away by car and they text and phone each other once or twice daily. Ive seen the Narc frustrated over her problems but he still refuses to back off from them. I thought it was unhealthy when i was with him but dissmissed it untill i realised he was a Narc. One thing that sticks in my mind when we were talking about the future is how he said "when my mam goes it will be a very lonely life" - i expect he would make someone a surrogate mother!! She does feed his ego yes, but she also in the same breath can be critical of his physical appearance and that hes put on weight etc ... thoughhelps him out of money situations and spoils him on birthdays and xmas etc ... your right when you say she doesnt expect much emotionally from him ... it looks in some way that she results in buying his love aswell as emotionally draining him with her problems. .... Scary ... xx

#19 Aug 14 - 3AM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

U.K. vs U.S.

the majority of therapists here in the US are clueless about pathology. They label the victims as "codependent" or say it's just a normal breakup... I have given therapists Lundy Bancroft and Sandra L Brown's books only to either be yelled at ("how DARE I try to educate them!") or they look blankly at me... like I just landed from another planet. I gave Rose-Marie the number of a woman who does phone counseling in the U.K. who was trained in pathology from Sandra Brown's Institute (I know the NHS doesn't pay and is clueless there). I have had great feedback about her so let me know if you want the info. Get Lisa's book - or Sandra Brown's books and educate your friends. This is not heartbroken... you were brainwashed by a PATHOLOGICAL PERSON and your brain, your body chemistry, your hormones - have all been messed up. Send them to this site. There are 1000s of victims of Narcs & Psychopaths around. THOUSANDS. Many of them are simply not validated or made to feel stupid by people who either don't want to believe evil exists or are just heartless. Nows your chance to say to your friends - if you don't want to believe me and learn... then I have to find new "friends." ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

#20 Aug 15 - 8PM (Reply to #19)

April (not verified)

knowledgeable therapists

A therapist I encountered last summer really did understand NPD and gave me a copy of a book called Energy Vampires. It made a lot of sense. However, she still did frame it in some ways in terms of my own codependecy. They are simply taught that in school. What was hard for me, was that although she was knowledgeable in many ways, she shamed me a bit for continuing to stay. Of course it was unhealthy, but I was in denial and shock. It was the shock of my life and it took what it took for it to sink in. She was losing patience with me and I in turn lost faith in her. I needed education and support, much like with this site. What has made the difference this time, it that it is not simply theoretical, there are really women on this site that have lived it. I get to hear the real stories and KNOW that I am not alone. I was alone on my island last year and my therapist alone was not enough. I think it really takes both and a really really savy therapist. They are out there, but some questions should be asked on the front end on the phone before any money and time is exchanged. This is a really tricky disorder and even more tricky to help the victim. VERY complex and multi-layered. Thanks for all of your educational articles. It has all been a help.

#21 Aug 15 - 9PM (Reply to #20)

Barbara (not verified)

therapists

she still did frame it in some ways in terms of my own codependecy. They are simply taught that in school. What was hard for me, was that although she was knowledgeable in many ways, she shamed me a bit for continuing to stay Just because they are 'simply taught that in school' doesn't make it right. You know Sandra Brown's Institute does session where they will educate therapists. I loaned mine HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN & WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS. Make sure your therapist is educable... Staying is because you were brainwashed & programmed. She needed to help you deprogram not shame you or call you codependent... blech! If she didn't get that then she certainly didn't get the whole picture on NPD if not ... find a new one... I went to THREE before I found a decent one with an open mind. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

#22 Aug 14 - 5AM (Reply to #9)

confused123

also to Barbara and Peru ....

I wish there was more awareness of this in the UK! ... I only realised what he was when i sat thinking one night , and back to my psychology degree and remembered when we touched on narcissism , i remember one of my friends on the course saying " urghhh my Ex was a narcissist!" , and she went onto explain how he was so self absorbed (Even my psychology degree wouldn't be able to have worked him out! Even worse when the emotions blind you!)... Yet i think if i went to my nurse and explained All this , i wouldn't be taken seriously and "oh its just a breakup , run along now!" .. kinda thing ... I bought Lisa's book and read it within a day! Lol! It was great ! I saw alot of qualities in her ex's that i do in mine , however i was left sometimes thinking my ex narc wasn't as bad as them - even though he was - he did it subtly and emotionally to me , for example , the part when lisa was drowning and he had no empathy whatsoever - my Ex Would have shown concern , he would NEVER come across the bad guy and dent his image for others to notice , hes a clever one - which is also why its so hard to explain to people what i feel ive experienced without them looking at me like im over analysing !

#23 Aug 16 - 7AM (Reply to #18)

grossot

I can totally relate

I thought the exact same thing about the part of Lisa's book where she was drowning. My Narc would have used that as an opportunity to like Mr. Wonderful! Then when we were alone, would have completely disregarded the incident and focus on a papercut he had or something! No good Son of a #**#%*! Blasted, lying F**k up! nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#24 Aug 14 - 2PM (Reply to #10)

Scoop

My narc is a clever one too

My narc is a clever one too , he keeps his mask on so expertly . I remember one instance that i knocked over his computer with my leg whilst i was talking to his house mate . I looked at my narc and i could sence the seething coming off him but he said "are you alright ? is your leg alright ?"I know that if it was just he and i there it would have been a diffrent situation . Not that he as even raged , in fact he was passive aggressive always , his abuse was a very controled sickening abusive monologs . I suspect i would have witnessed a rage is we where still together and our last arguement was the most heated to date and he uped the passive aggression to almost spitting the words out at me through gritted teeth. I actualy think thats why he turned cold as ice and we broke up as i think he thought he would loose it with me and he couldnt bare anyone to see the mask come off . I had began working him out and started telling him what i saw. He thought he was the smart one , he was so stupid he didnt know he was stupid and thats pretty stupid . I have asked myself was i the stupid one , but you know what the answer is no ,even though i was as low as i have ever been being with a man who was determind to bring me down i clung on to reality , i was savy to know his behaviour was wrong and i confrounted him with it . Thats smart . Big Up the UK beautiful Babes ! Peru x

#25 Aug 15 - 8PM (Reply to #16)

April (not verified)

Cunning Con

Mine was so cunning as well. He never outwardly verbally lost it. He was also so passive aggressive. It was exactly the same with me. When I was onto him, he almost lost it with me, with gritted teeth. However, my accusations were almost as if I had thrown him a left hook out of nowhere. He looked like he had met a worthy competitor and was off his game. Of course, he later came back with the manipulation bullshit. My was a masterful manipulator and never overtly aggressive. He would plaster a fake smile on his face and greet people ever so merrily in the street and everywhere we met, only to drop it the moment we were alone. Fake bastard. His coldness, D &D, and manipulation were his form of abuse and it worked quite well. He would be so in love with me one moment, and in the next breath discard me. What was shameful for me was in the end, in a moment of weakness, I actually served myself back up to him. CURSES. I did give him the power back momentarily. At that point, I still was not quite sure what i was dealing with. On some level I knew, but I was still in a great amount of denial. He will never ever grace my threshold again. No CONTACT for life. However, my goal is to no longer care. I am almost there, but still a little angry, even a little at myself for my last act of pitifullness. I am on my way. Yet, this little part of me is still haunted. I had a little moment of PTSD today. It came out of nowhere and I am not sure for what reason. I hope it is not a premonition of contact yet to come. Whatever, he can contact, but only silence will be heard.

#26 Aug 16 - 8AM (Reply to #17)

confused123

Grossot And April .......

Yeah Grossot - My Ex Narc would have used it to be "Mr wonderful" too !! Exactly! ... However , if that had happened to me and he saved me , i expect it would also be more ammunition if i had an opinion about him and the way was acting for example - ammo something to the tune of "Im not a nasty man ,i saved your life! Without me you could have been DEAD" ! Oh another thing i wanted to mention - He ALWAYS had to repeat and hear his own voice saying- "im a lovely man , im not a nasty man" whenever i talked of men in my life who have treated me badly etc .... i actually recognised at the time he was ACTUALLY CONVINCING HIMSELF he IS a nice man ???? Like he has to keep reminding himself ... eh? It drove me nuts !! One point i actually said to him "yes you keep telling yourself that ,dear!!" April , thankyou for reminding me im strong :) .... Im actually quite soul destroyed to be honest when i sit here and think about it. The reason being because i loved and cared for that man no end , supported him , idealised him , totally in love with him!! to the point i wanted to know where our relationship was going a few times and he ran !! "Oh its not you its me and my issues , you did everything you could have done , noone can replace you , im going to stay single forever etc ," The other day when he turned up he also said hes at peace with himself now that hes broke up with me ! wtf ?? what on earth did i NOT try to help him with?? ...... How contradictory and weird!! I was brought upto realise if you love something you keep hold of it and work at something! its left me feeling and wondering what actually is so wrong with me and whats so different with any other girls out ther compared to me? What possibly could another girl give him which i couldnt! He had it made up! 2 weekends a month with no future commitment on his end! ya know? This kind of rejection has destroyed my soul and rejected because of love !! I cant love again untill my soul is fixed !! .... Ive actually started to take up some hobbies , yoga i have found amazing and long walks on the coast etc ... im finding things to occupy my mind ! :) ... however i wish i could get him out of my head sometimes !! sometimes i dont feel i can move on because hes left a massive imprint in my head !! xxx

#27 Aug 15 - 4AM (Reply to #12)

confused123

Hey Peru! yes ,that was the

Hey Peru! yes ,that was the word i was looking for ! Passive agressiveness - and oh so subtle ... If he did something that upset me and i told a friend for example , he would quickly manifest that what he did was a joke and make me out to be overly sensitive and leave me questioning if i was crazy ! The Person other people see - Kind , funny , humourous , Good fun , party animal , loving - is certainly a different person to what i knew ... These people dont know him well enough like i do to realise what i have really encountered , and at times it makes me feel crazy! He tried to portray all these qualities to me , but not without a twist of Narc which only i could see ... The world orientates around HIM despite the bull i was fed through our whole relationship keeping me hanging on! ... It was one of his lies that broke us up in the end which i found out - To which he blamed the whole relationship and told me i always attack him and he couldnt take it anymore , he wanted to be friends! i uncovered his mask to a certain degree too and he retreated. It was the same last year with commitment and wondering what path in our relationship we were gonna take - again it all got too much and i was dropped!....... The last week i have had REALLY weird dreams ... lastnight it was him lieing to me about going to a concert of which i saw him with another girl, (One of his friends in RL) who has also been quite out of order with me in RL and deleted me off networking sites for no apparant reason - I expect he has fed her some bull about us, but that really hurt me ... As well as her msn status's saying to the narc - "Bad love is not good Narc" etc ... making me wonder why on earth she had to put these things?? So i made a new msn account so i didnt have to keep seeing these subtle attacks at me , but left my new msn on my title , to which she never added me but could have done. I would LOVE to know what he had told her! But yeah my dream lastnight was based on him and her together (shes married in RL) and i woke up in tears. I expect this is all part of the process maybe ?? C xxx

#28 Aug 16 - 6AM (Reply to #14)

Scoop

If she is using the word

If she is using the word narc on her msn headlines then he has told her you called him one .The word and concept is too new to be used on the off chance . Why has he told her is the question ? heres what i think (i have only had one hour sleep so feel free to say im wrong ).You called him a narc he went home and looked it up , proberly went cold as he recognised himself and told said girl that he isnt one "me thinks he doth protest too much " . With his charm no one would expect he is really a narc and thats all he is showing this girl "mr nice guy "He is playing the "poor me my ex doesnt understand me card ,isnt she a bitch" He has told her your the crazy one so she has deleated you off FB and msn because he is trying to woo her or at least get her onside . I recon your dream was right . Feel sorry for her , because she is getting the fake bloke and will be D&D the same as you where . Maybe then she will come to you and you can compair notes . Truth will out although it doesnt help right now . Last night i went cold of the thought of my narc with another girl . He hasnt been with another girl as far as i know and due to his little sexual defuntion he is not the type to sleep around as he wouldnt risk that information to be widely known , spolls the image see lol. I was invited to dinner by my narc tonight . I have two words to say to that and they would be FUCK OFF . I am reading about the 7 stages of grief and i am at despair with a swing to denial when the despair gets too much . Its been 2 months since the break up and im very tired and weak but im hanging in there . The incest thing is spot on , my narc s mother had him at 17 and single and she has been overly dependent on him in a rather unhealthy way since . We talked about it and i Knew at the time it spelt trouble but couldnt put my finger on why . He also has a much younger brother which when he misbehaves she calls my narc to tell him off . I thought this was sweet to begin with but now reading this its just another tick in the box of disfuntion . I blame the mothers ! and the stupid fathers who abandon the mothers and children . If only because it gave my narc countless storys of how he was so hard done by as a child which i endured night after night . Man that bloke could talk for hours ! oh the humanity ! Peru x

#29 Aug 16 - 8AM (Reply to #15)

confused123

Peru ..... x

ohhh nooo i think you misunderstood me! Lol ... this was before we broke up when she was putting titles on her msn "Bad love isnt good either ..... (and then his name)" i Just put Narc on here to hide his identity! Haha! ... No she just turned really funny all of a sudden , and i was saying i would LOVE to know what he had said to her in the past when we were together for her to go so cold with me! ... Like you say "the poor mes" more than likely , hes good at that too , and probably because i was asking him where we were going in the relationship and if we would ever progress etc etc ! - he probably told her i expect too much and put on the water works!! .....I dont think him and her would be together because shes married, although thier team work made me feel slightly bullied when she deleted me , the status's and everything else when i thought i had made a mutual friend through him! I remember in the past she actually said to me he was "too selfish to ever be happy" when we last broke up!! And actually supported me! He also told her in the past he had a brand new sony plasma HD tv!!...When she was looking at my pic's from when we were at his house she said to me - "He told me he hadda new tv!! :oO , Why does he always lie to me??" .... and then a few months later she took his side and seemed bitchy towards me with her titles etc , and passive aggressivness about "bad love" to him etc! ... I have no idea what he said to her but it was definately something about our relationship!! I would Love to know but they obviously are not worth it becaus eshe couldn't even approach me about what he had said or what i had done! Now i think of it and think back im not sure WHAT lies hes capable of tbh , maybe he said i cheated on him or something!?? No idea! xx

#30 Aug 15 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

Barbara (not verified)

passive aggressive behavior

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2007/09/passive-aggressive-behavior-passive.html

#31 Aug 14 - 3PM (Reply to #11)

Barbara (not verified)

UK therapist

Laurie Crosby, MA http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/counseling-ctr/find-a-therapist trained by Sandra Brown, MA's Institute on Victims of Pathologicals! does phone counseling! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

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