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The fog is in layers

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#1 Jan 8 - 4PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

The fog is in layers

I have been patiently waiting for the darknes and fog to lift. I would say the darkness has lifted but my observation is that the fog lifts in layers. Today I feel as though another layer has lifted.

I think I have been waiting for a specific day when I could say yes its gone but I dont really think it works that way. As the weeks and months have passed if I look back over all of it I would say I am better. I few months ago I could barely muster enough energy to go to the grocery store today I went to The Home Depot and shopped around and actually was interested. I have been able to enjoy little things like shopping for clothes again. I reorganized my whole closet by color and if you all knew what a feat that was for me!

Im still sad. I still cry but I finally feel like I might actually make it thru this as there have been times when I seriously question whether I would.

I am a Christian and I continually find myself asking God why did I have to go thru this again? Why? Why? and I always come back to the same thing. What has given me the deepest pain in my life is also giving me the greatest comfort. All these years I feared that he had gone on to live a fabulous life with someone else. someone he thought better than me. The fact is he didnt and now I know that he never will. So in away that gives me the greatest comfort of all.

Jan 9 - 4PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

sick of it

Good for you! I understand what a huge deal it is to organize your closet. I get it because each thing we do is a big step for us I believe. I'm so glad you enjoyed your shopping trip at Home Depots. You are doing it! You are a stronger and wiser woman!! Good for you!
Jan 9 - 7AM
Ava
Ava's picture

Wow!! That's fantastic Sick Of It, I am SO happy to read this!:)

I'm still sad that you are still sad & I cannot wait until the day that you realise you haven't cried for a good while. But I am so very happy to hear that you feel that another layer of the fog has lifted and you feel a little better for it. Thinking about it I feel that the way you've described it - with the fog & darkness lifting layer by layer & sometimes it takes looking back to notice that some has lifted - I'm realising that feels exactly the way its going for me. I am so happy to hear that you are lifting out of that fog & that you're starting to be able to enjoy little things again - that is absolutely WONDERFUL news! :) Big hugs, Ava xxxo

Ava

Jan 9 - 4PM (Reply to #9)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

thanks Ava

Its a rainy and cold here. Im a little sad today because these days remind me of when I was a young girl with him the first time. I would lay on the couch with him and watch football so today Im a little down. Still cleaning the house like mad. There is something symbolic in it I know. I hate cleaning but I have been scrubbing my house top to bottom. Its hasnt a had a really good clean since the narc showed up a year ago so its sorely needed. I still have a long way to go. He has caused me deep emotional pain that I have repressed for over 20 years plus all of the new stuff so Im gonna be awhile before Im out of the woods but atleast I can see a little now. You are such a sweet person! Hope things are going better for you!
Jan 9 - 7AM (Reply to #8)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Very accurate description

Healing does take one day at a time, a week at a time, a month at a time, a year at a time. It is a very gradual process. You start to feel better, little by little, right! That is why it is so important to be patient with yourself and the recovery process. It is like a fog, a darkness that is lifting. It take incredible courage to take the first step, then the next. It takes incredible determination to make progress, then make progress in strides. It will be someday, that we are all running, distance running in our recovery, and feel the true strength of being healed from all this. Amen!
Jan 8 - 7PM
Gina
Gina's picture

One Day at a Time

Congratulations to you for getting out some and organizing your closet. Progress! I know if I stay home and dwell on the fog brought about by dealing/associating/thinking of my narc, I'm more likely to stay in those feelings if I don't move about and stop obsessing. I'm trying hard to focus on today and not dwell on the past or future, my day is usually better when i do this. Some days I'm better at this than others. Last night I was a crying mess, today I was good. What a rollercoaster of emotions. Today I cleaned out my laundry room ,which hadn't been done in prob 10 years. It was a healthy feeling getting rid of junk...its just like my narc its worthless and needs to be thrown away! LOL! My narc is now contacting me via text, i responded earlier this week, hence my crazy emotions, now Ive stopped responding. Unfortunately, i have read the texts he is sending. Last one said, Hey babe, are you ok? What???? He dumped me a month ago and now Im his babe. Sick! Not buying his crap. More than likely, his supply is gone or he just wants some more. He could care less if Im ok and this Im certain of. Its all about him, not me. Also, I want to understand why I would be involved with a man like this. I put myself down alot. I didn't realize how often I did this until I began to consciously listen to my inner dialogue. So, Im trying to replace those negative thoughts with the opposite----a positive affirmation!!! Reading Louise Hay book, Heal Your Life, which is helping a great deal. Stay strong, keep your focus on you, and I, too, am a spiritual person, trust your God doesn't want a man like this in your life. You deserve real love, we all do!
Jan 8 - 6PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

SOI

Now that you are feeling better will come and take down my Christmas decorations?? I have been avoiding it all day and now I have no choice. Yuck! Im glad you are feeling better. Its amazing how its all the same story. One day we feel great the next no so much. This just goes to show that we need time and NC!!!! Have A Nice Weekend! Call me next week :)
Jan 9 - 7AM (Reply to #5)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Oh girl....

I still yet have the Christmas decorations to contend with thats todays project. Im just happy that I have enough energy to do it. A small victory!
Jan 8 - 4PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Congrats on your closet!

Sick of it, way to go, really... I've been meaning to sort through my closet and organize it ever since my exN moved out 16 months ago. Lately every day I think - today I'll do it - then I end up distracting myself instead. I agree about the layers of fog. I've been fogged in for about 6 days now and it sucks. I was doing so much better before Christmas and even the week after. Now I'm struggling again to see the sun. There is a little shining again today, but I just wish the fog would go away and stay away. I am not of a specific religion, but I too have asked in prayer, why did I need this lesson? I was okay before Narc, I could have bypassed this I think. It has taken a horrible toll on my life, so much time seemingly wasted and this past year and a half feels like a blur of sad recovery. I just want to feel the sun again, daily and brightly. Again, good for you for being productive. If I just get one thing done a day I consider it progress and I'm just talking about simple things like doing the dishes. I'm glad to hear some of your fog is lifting, it is so much better to see that silver lining beyond the clouds. Journey on...

Journey on...

Jan 8 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Doing the dishes is good. It

Doing the dishes is good. It seems I have been looking for my progress daily so you know what they say a watched pot never boils but now that months have passed I look back to a point where I couldnt even clean my house. The last couple weeks I have been cleaning like a mad woman. I really hadnt taken very good care of our home in the last year. On the surface it looked clean but now that I look deeper it really is disgusting HUH? I just though Just like the Narc right? They look really good on the surface but deep down they are disgusting dirty people. Sheesh they permeat every part of your life even your home takes on their characterisictics!
Jan 8 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
Journey
Journey's picture

Neat Freak

My narc was a bit of a neat freak and would be critical about letting things like the dishes go. I am not a dirty slob, but I can easily let things go a day or two, I like it better clean and tidy, but I just don't stress about these things normally. Sometimes (often really), I still catch myself cleaning with narc in mind, like he'll be so much more impressed - WTF! He isn't even in the same country right now and isn't about to drop by, yet my motivation gets stuck sometimes on trying to complete certain projects only because I don't want him to see I haven't yet. HE DOESN'T EVEN CARE! It feels so much better to do these things for me but the line gets blurred by constant reminders. Even opening the fridge to remove milk for my coffee makes me think of him. I just want it to stop now, it is 16 months that I've been living here without him and yet I feel like he's still here, about to look over my shoulder to criticize or applaud me in whatever I do. I just wish it would go away already. Very frustrating. Journey on...

Journey on...