Being NC for me...

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#1 Jan 22 - 6AM

Happy1

Being NC for me...

The silence is a killer... I don't text or talk to anyone else. I have no desire too so it's my own fault. Something stops me from feeling like talking to people. I guess I just feel know would could understand this and I did burn a friendship over this. She didn't understand what was going on but hated the Narc and she chose to get away from it all and I haven't talked to her in over a year. I may try to mend that bridge when I better. I cannot yet.
So the silence is lonely and my thoughts are lonely. I'm living on this board because I do think of him ALL the time. Not really good stuff but just memories.
Today, instead of sitting in the house on the couch all day as I really want to more than anything... I'm going to take my son shopping and to Rain forest cafe for lunch. I don't want to but I know I need to force myself. None of this is easy. I don't know how to ever get the old me back again. I don't feel the old me exists and I'm very sad.
I hate the narc and wish we had never met. I'm blessed to have found this site so I could do what it takes to leave him. I pray I don't fall for anymore of his tricks. Him breaking his arm didn't make me run back to him. I just remember the long drive and him screaming at me that it was my fault and I'm a fckin hillbilly piece of sh_t (I don't have a PHD like him). My fault! I just gripped the steering wheel and thought all the way that this truly is a sick narc.
I hope I feel better going out with my son today. The couch really is more tempting.
Happy1

#2 Jan 22 - 5PM

Amazed

Yes, I know the feeling, the

Yes, I know the feeling, the need to cacoon, to withdraw, to hibernate, to sort it all out,,this is a real need I think when you are getting over a Narc/psychopath.. It is healthy to get around "normal" people who have "not been damaged",,however it feels like we are in a class of our own, right! You absolutely will get to your "old" happy self,,give it 18 months since NC to recover fully, and beginning feeling really whole again,, "Forcing" yourself is good too, it shows you that you can do it, and that is very important! Sometimes we have to do the action, then comes the faith! Self protection is GOOD, pay attention to that, as indeed, we NEVER ever want this to happen again... So get those warm socks, hot chocolate, be good to yourself, you are worth it!!

#3 Jan 22 - 5PM (Reply to #23)

Happy1

amazed

Yes, Saturday night... I'm sitting on my couch and have my laptop close to see what you ladies are talking about and my remote next to me. This is the only way I want to spend my Saturday night. I do NOT under any circumstances want to go out. No desire...

#4 Jan 22 - 5PM (Reply to #24)

Amazed

Happy1 It is like heading into a war zone

It feels that dangerous, and you are getting a keen sense of others now right,,,like a strength,,,to never be taken advantage of again, ever. We used to trusting, open, that is what drew us out, however that self protection is serving a purpose,,,

#5 Jan 22 - 2PM

Briseis

LOL boy do I understand the

LOL boy do I understand the "couch temptation" :D I just see you really working hard and it's going to pay off. It already IS paying off! When you think about it, do you really want to be your "old self"? Or are you ready for a new and improved self? I get what you are saying, but a huge part of that old self was willing to live off of crumbs, willing to accept a lot of crap. For me, my old self was innocent and believed in happily ever after. That old self got whacked upside the head with Reality. I don't ever want to be that "innocent" again. It was less like innocence and more like ignorance, you know? I was always so sad, so frustrated, so unsure of myself. Wistful and wishing. And always WANTING what seemed I couldn't have :( The new self that came from recovering from that Narc (and discovering I had a few other Narcs to recover from) is a realist. Now THAT is really "not me". I'm a dreamer. I find I can still dream just fine, but my dreams are so much more realistic I can actually achieve them :) I don't just innocently trust. But I sure don't get hurt, taken advantage of, and overwhelmed any more :) I don't care that much what other people's opinions of me are. Now THAT is a relief. Think what you will, because I am the final answer on myself. I don't want my old self back. I feel sorry for her, actually. I want to go back and tell her "Things are going to get MUCH, MUCH better! Hang in there, don't stop working hard!" I don't think for a second I am "all I'm ever going to be". I doubt I'll take up rocket science or fly to Mars, but so far, so much internal stuff has changed and grown I can't help but think it's just going to continue.

#6 Jan 22 - 5PM (Reply to #21)

Amazed

OMG Briseis I agree with you 100 percent!

YES!!! Not get back to the "old" self, but the "new and IMPROVED" selt,,that is so key, OMG that is brilliant,,,yes!!! AMEN BRISEIS!!! Yes, not to live so innocent, thinking that all people are good, and have good intentions. I will never ever fall into such a trap again, I have learned, studied now to recognize the signs, and don't fall for the popcorn crumbs, or tricks...won't settle for it...sorry!!! Not a guilty feeling at all!

#7 Jan 22 - 3PM (Reply to #17)

Happy1

Briseis

I guess you are right, but in a way I miss the naive ignorant self I was because I didn't know anything about narcs and psychopaths. I thought good of people. I know I have to be a big girl and take it all in and accept what the world really is about. It's just a lot more scarier and untrusting world than I thought existed. ya know? I used to believe in the fairy tale too and i do not believe in the unrealistic fairy tale any longer. I don't know what I believe anymore. I guess I'm going to come out of this wiser and more cautious and maybe a little more realistic I hope. Thanks B! Happy

#8 Jan 22 - 3PM (Reply to #18)

Briseis

That naive ignorant self you

That naive ignorant self you miss was a TARGET, though. A sitting duck. I still think good of people. There are just bad people as well. Fewer than good people. I used to think there was good in EVERYONE, all were redeemable. Now I don't believe that. My experience tells me that! It's more mature, more adult to be reluctant to trust just any old body. I truly believe that's how most people are. It's us pie in the sky folks that have to learn the hard way :( It's just part of "growing up" in this world, for us empathic and sensitive types. I believe what is right in my face. I believe in what people DO, not so much in what they say. People can say anything, but what they DO is the real evidence of their goodness or rottenness. Also, people are imperfect, we all are. No one is going to come along and NEVER hurt you. It's that you learn what kind of "hurting" they do is important. If they apologize and never do it again, if they care that they hurt you and want to fix it and DO fix it . . . that's a good person. Even if they screwed up. It is a scarier and untrusting world more than I'd like, too. Just watch the news, it's not happening in a different world, it's happening HERE and now. And there are people out there much more evil and destructive than your Narc and mine. Some of them are exNarcs of people on this board. You just get to where you can see the untrustworthy people, and then avoid them. You don't trust ANYONE immediately, with your heart and body and soul. You are a "gift" you give to others when they demonstrate they are capable of respecting it. Up til that point, you can be just as friendly and polite as ever, but you keep yourself in reserve. You'll get what I mean :) It will become second nature. I really do believe most people are this way, and that most of us here are kind of exceptions to that rule. We are just learning to be NORMAL, when we were TOO trusting and innocent before :)

#9 Jan 22 - 5PM (Reply to #20)

Amazed

On being a target

Yes, that naive, thoughtful, giving, affectionate, generous, fun loving person that we are, is the one that got taken advantage of. Not just taken advantage of, EXPLOITED. Deceived. Worse that just used. That is how we want the world to be. We are generous souls, we are empathic, we are healers, when the wrong type of person gets ahold of us, they think they found their delight. Well now we have learned to fight back, and stand our ground. There are good people, I am just not as giving of myself anymore, at all. I have learned to cherish myself, and to not just give it away. The affection, the caring, next time it will be to the right person, who actually cares.

#10 Jan 22 - 4PM (Reply to #19)

Happy1

Briseis

I guess I have sheltered myself in a way for 39 years. It's strange because I would see things on TV where they would label them as psychopath and narc but I never thought of meeting one. I never thought it was possible. I'm learning a lot

#11 Jan 22 - 7AM

gettinbetter

silence

That is one of the stages on went thru this quite a bit. I went completely silent. I can remember my Mom saying sick of it you dont talk anymore. Its some form of self preservation I think. Its like you need to preserve your all of your thoughts and energy for yourself. Its weird. I literally had nothing to say. I would literally sometimes sit on the couch and stare off into to space until my daughter would say Mom what are you doing? I would say what do you mean? and she would say you are just sitting there staring at nothing and I would snap out of it and say Oh Mommy was just day dreaming.

#12 Jan 22 - 3PM (Reply to #10)

Happy1

sick of it

Yes, besides writing on this post I do very little talking. I used to be very sociable. Not any longer. I don't feel like talking at all. Just quiet.

#13 Jan 22 - 5PM (Reply to #12)

Amazed

Happy1, on being sociable

I hear ya 100 percent, on a change from being sociable, outgoing to wanting to be quiet, and guarded. Yes. Like it is not okay to open ourselves up and have fun anymore. It is a cacooning. Eventually, we will come out of that stage, and lend our laughter and optomism and joy to others again. Perhpas certain things need to happen, we will get there, however we will be wiser. And that is good.

#14 Jan 22 - 5PM (Reply to #13)

Happy1

Amazed

Yes, I feel I've gone from outgoing to introvert. I don't know how that's possible but I hope I don't get stuck here. I don't feel laughter and miss a good laugh. A really good deep belly laugh. I haven't had one in forever. I hope we are wiser from all of this and there's a reason for everything.

#15 Jan 22 - 5PM (Reply to #14)

Amazed

Happy1,,,give it 18 months...

Give it 18 months,,to really rid your system,,it takes a while, and you will notice better results,, You WILL be able to go out and laugh it up,,you will get to a point when you know he is in his place, and cannot effect you. Set some guidelines for yourself that you need to make this happen. You will succeed, and you will be in control.

#16 Jan 22 - 5PM (Reply to #15)

Happy1

thanks amazed

I will continue with I guess the baby steps and I'm not trying to jump into things that are very tempting. Like dating again to take away my thoughts and pain. That's very tempting to do. I want a good relationship very bad and don't like being single. ugh!

#17 Jan 22 - 4PM (Reply to #11)

gettinbetter

yes Happy

me too but I am doing much better. I know it was very noticeable to those around me. I used to be on fb all the time now I never am. They know something has been not quite right with me but they cant put there finger on it. I am getting back in the swing of things but its slow. I think its just us trying to digest what has happened to us.

#18 Jan 22 - 7AM

Disillusionedx2

Good for you

I so happy you are going to try to get out with your son; I love the Rain Forrest cafe, great choice. I also know of the empty, lonely thoughts that swirl in your mind, it's all him, no way to push it away without medicating or drinking oneself to death. I have chose to deal with it cold turkey, how I would love to zone out until it all passes. I am a light social drinker but during these dark moments in my life, I choose not to drink anything at all, one dumb addiction was enough, I also lost a few acquaintances, not anyone I considered true friends but there was no bad blood between us, people I have known for years, never a cross word, it’s awful, I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again but who am I going to be now? I pretty much live in isolation; I just can’t be around anyone now. You're right, it is hard, painful, I've had a rough 48 hours, triggered by something so minor I can't even recall what it actually was, also have the winter blahs, it's so very cold out, so that makes me not want to go out into that element, I hate the cold, ice and snow unless I've had my annual tropical vacation which I didn't last November. I'm reading, TV, the board of course, going through the emotions, I am so angry still, and hate him for the past 3 days, it's makes me ill to feel like this, I cannot wait until I can get out of this slump, but you hang in there, do allot of praying, have fun with your son, we will make it, the dark days are less than they were 4 months ago, I can see a hint of light at the end of the tunnel and hope you do too, best wishes Hun. stay~strong

stay~strong

#19 Jan 22 - 3PM (Reply to #8)

Happy1

dissillussioned

I'm so glad you are starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. I will keep walking my path and hope to catch up to you soon. I do not see it but I have hope. I'm sorry you had a rough couple days and I hope today is a better day for you. I hope you are out of your slump a little. Happy

#20 Jan 22 - 7AM

onwithmylife

Hi Happy1

Hang in there, things will get better, keep doing therapy as much as you can, i think it helps move you along in a better way and like Scotchy said life is for living, have a fun day with you son, if not for your sake, but for your sons, get out and do things, volunteer, whatever brings you contentment and peace of mind, a walk in nature. Just do it as the Nike ad use to say and day by day it will get better, no matter how long it takes.If need be remember and write down all the horrible ways he treated you to bring you back to REALITY.If i did it and even though it took 2 more years of my life, you can as well. for the sending the Narc the card with his cancer and getting back the response I did, not one word of thanks, did it for me and there will be some thing that clicks for you.Mend the friendships as as soon as you are able, they will give you the extra support you need.

#21 Jan 22 - 3PM (Reply to #6)

Happy1

onwithmylife

Thanks! I wish I looked forward to weekends but they are a curse to me right now. I hate them. I hope you are doing okay today. happy

#22 Jan 22 - 6AM

Scotchy71

Happy1

I hear you I really do, but you know what.....the more you get out, the more you will actually enjoy it - it's hard, I still sometimes feel like just sleeping, but it does no good in the end. Life is for living and these parasites have taken enough of us, life can be good, it feels safer at home away from real life - but real life is calling us because we choose to now live in the real world right? I know you're going to be better than alright from all this.....to say what he said, just awful, no respect - someone who really loves another, would never say something so mean - you know this, which is why you're not there anymore. Their world is toxic because it's not how God wants us to live...which in turn is why the normal, sane people leave...just leave...never look back to that awful place....xxxx Love to you..xxx

#23 Jan 22 - 6AM (Reply to #2)

Happy1

Thanks Scotchy

I truly know it's over and there's no looking back. I feel sad but I don't feel like it's the end of the world. I feel a loss but only a loss for plans. My days and weekends revolved around the Narc and now I have to plan and do things and not look to the Narc to make all these decisions. It was almost easier for me to hand him that. I have to think about what I want to do, but mostly I have to think of my son. I know if I didn't have him this weekend I would gladly sit on that couch. I know I need to do something with my son. "Want" is not a word in the vocabulary for me yet. Because my "wants" are not healthy wants so I need to stick with "need". You are a good friend and I thank you for sticking by me during this hard time. Thanks Scotchy! Happy1

#24 Jan 22 - 6PM (Reply to #4)

Scotchy71

Anytime

Always here for you....I understand and feel your pain, it's so hard to get motivated and think about other things when these parasites were such a huge part of our lives. My weekends revolved around him too and I live 14000 kms away...I always made sure I was home at the times I thought he might call...how ridiculous is that??? In the end, I was lucky if we talked for even 10 minutes - he was always so tired....no wonder, having 4 relationships at once must be tiring right? Sending love to you.....xxx

#25 Jan 22 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

ewa

I know the feeling Happy.

I know the feeling Happy. Few months before i have felt exactly like you do feel now. I did not want to do anything and talk to anybody. Together with my exN i have lost all the exciting trips, activities..First i did not believe that I can do the same with other people, second i was afraid if i do it will only remind me about the exN. So i just preferred to sit at home and to think about what i had. With time it gets better Happy, i started to enjoy small things slowly like for example taking my dogs out when i go to visit my family or going with my friend for a walk. I do really believe that if we do make ourselves to think differently , to look at things differently we can start to enjoy our lives again. Give it time happy. And i think is good that you are forcing yourself to do things. Sitting on the couch is the worst we can do! And yes it is not the end of the world, we still have our life and we still have chance to enjoy it. It is harder now after the experience with N..but time time and once again time helps! Hugs!

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