is this normal XNarc breakup behaviour?

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#1 Feb 1 - 8AM

Playedwithfire

is this normal XNarc breakup behaviour?

Hi Ladies

My exhN, just left his rebound girl after 7 months post Moi.
He texted me to tell me all about it, where he was going, why he left and how he's going to take time for him and focus on himself-job, sports and our children.

We saw each other 3x last week after I was NC for a while, excluding kid related conversations.

Yes, I failed, I let him in to chat while picking up the kids.
He went on about his bad rel'ship with his gf and bashed her quite a bit.

I told him I was seeing someone,but I think he played dumb as i think my kids would have mentioned his name and the activities we engaged in together with his kids...

He continued but respectfully kept in contact with me for 3 days in a row after he was in his new place. Until, Sunday when I had said my rel'ship with the new guy was not going as I wanted and fast is not what I want right now. So my exhN even agreed with me on the clingy, needy characteristics of my new beau.

I followed him outside when he left to tell him at the end of the day, i was proud of him for going back to councelling and taking care of himself first. To which he became really quiet and I have not heard from him since!

So.. winded.. lol. Did he only want supply from me until he knew that I'm on the verge of potentially ending my current dating situation or is he being respectful and not interferring? Im confused about what he REALLY wants from me.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

#2 Feb 2 - 4AM

Scotchy71

pwf

Exactly, what do you want from him and why do you care? He's disordered remember? A normal person shouldn't even try to work out a disordered mentally unstable person - they don't think like us remember? It's all a game, he's messing with you....is he being respectful???NO NO NO NO NO...he has no respect for himself and is shallow so it has nothing to do with you and all about what he can gain from your situation. You also mention with the gf..he bashed her quite a bit....????? This guy is DANGEROUS...you don't want him in your life...he ain't going to counselling, just a ploy to make you think he's bettering himself - mine said he'd get help too, then turned around and said I need help and it's all my fault he cheated - they make no sense and you know this. Of course he agreed with you about certain things, he has to put forth a good impression at least, honey, it's a game - remember that and don't try and work him out, even HE can't work him out...what makes you think you can? xxx

#3 Feb 2 - 5AM (Reply to #15)

Playedwithfire

Scotchy71

I hear you much clearer today! In the back of my head,I thought he had woken up and wanted to change his life. But I hope to be so far past him, which I think I am at this point. I have been out of our marriage for 8 months now, he is right back at the beginning again. I have blocked him again on FB, and moving towards getting myself to being stronger. I feel much more at peace with NC, on my way back! Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

#4 Feb 2 - 5AM (Reply to #16)

Scotchy71

pwf

I'm so glad, they really don't ever change, life works for them the way they are and to change, would require work and facing things that aren't "nice" for them.....he needs to go, plain and simple, the longer he's around, the longer it will take for you to heal and you deserve so much more. I never realised the power of nc until a little while ago - it really does work and I feel so much better than I did even 4 weeks ago. Everything is getting better day by day and I'm so much stronger than ever before and you will be too...just don't try and work this loser out, his main aim is to confuse and secure your supply again and then...the pay off...he dumps you again - it's not worth the pain...xx

#5 Feb 1 - 9PM

Disillusionedx2

huh?

The question is: What do you want from him? stay~strong

stay~strong

#6 Feb 2 - 5AM (Reply to #12)

Playedwithfire

DX2

I guess I wanted to think he could change. Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

#7 Feb 2 - 10AM (Reply to #13)

Hunter

He won't Change. He owns his

He won't Change. He owns his problems. You need to change you.

#8 Feb 1 - 3PM

Journey

One question to consider...

Has he EVER been respectful and not interfered when not enmeshed with another woman and getting supply somewhere else? If not, then he wouldn't be doing it now for real either. You are confused about his motives because narcs are seldom if ever honest about want they really want. You obviously have to be in contact to a certain degree because of your children, so time will tell you if he is seriously getting help and doing what he says he is for the reasons he says he's doing them. I'm being kinder with my advice than some of the other opinions here, but I'd say just do absolutely nothing to give him any idea of what you're feeling, remain as neutral as possible and let him SHOW you by what he does... their true motivations can't remain hidden over a long period of time when they are only about attaining supply. Journey on...

Journey on...

#9 Feb 1 - 2PM

Briseis

Yes, one simple suggestion.

Yes, one simple suggestion. STOP talking to him about your life. STOP :) I'm confused, a little, about why you would engage with him. Narcs ONLY want supply. That is all they ever want from you. If he's talking to you, he wants supply. If he's screaming at you, or knocking you around, he wants supply. If his lips are moving, he's trying to get supply. Are you hoping to get back together with him, maybe even secretly, not really aware of it? Hoping that maybe he really is being respectful and normal? Not sure he is a Narc after all?

#10 Feb 1 - 8PM (Reply to #9)

Playedwithfire

Briseis

I dont know what came over me about him, but once he told me about leaving his gf I just felt so relieved. My daughter didnt like going to see him on his weekends and there was something enlightening knowing he was going for the help I wanted him to get 2 years ago when we were reconciling. Like he had this a-ha moment of how messed up his life is and how messed up our kids are b/c of how he treated them and me-enough for me to leave him 2 times already. It really was strange and im sure he is wondering after all this time of me going NC, excluding kid stuff, I all of a sudden let him in. I have a bad habit when i see him, of that best friend I used to know him as. I guess I was reaching out to that guy, not fully accepting that he doesnt exist anymore (we were together for about 20 years, just teens when we met). That I find really really hard to grasp, even after all the crap I've been thru. I think, in my heart that has not fully healed yet, I did think for a bit maybe we would get back together because yet again another of his rebounds ended. I had been feeling like I was missing "something" for the last month or so, thinking that the guy im seeing wassn't what I want. Maybe I was thinking about the exh as a better choice. Falling back into old routines with my feelings. My exh unfortunately is my safety net and I'm realizing this as my the new guy in my life is way different but some of the same. My exh is comfortable to me and I have not stood on my own 2 feet and feel that someone cares for ME and doesnt want to hurt me or take anything away. Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

#11 Feb 1 - 1PM

strongerthanever

If I can't or want you, no

If I can't or want you, no one else should. That is the way I am seeing this. Once my exN heard I was happy and with a great guy, he was there putting on the charm. Knowing I always liked him in a simple white t-shirt, Carharts, and Romeo's, he showed up at my door with guess what on? Yep! Idiot. Oh the games he played. He doesn't like the fact that some other rooster is in the hen cage. Don't fall for it. If you did, guarantee he will after a short time pull away again and make up some excuse. It is not worth it!

#12 Feb 1 - 2PM (Reply to #7)

ally2375

strongerthanever

Haha! I thought mine was the only one who pulled the clothing manipulation! Mine knew I loved this red sweatshirt he had, so I swear he started wearing it to work multiple times per week, as well as other red stuff on the other days.

#13 Feb 1 - 1PM (Reply to #5)

Playedwithfire

yes exactly Stronger...

The first night I saw him, he was dressed normally. I commented on how he wasnt wearing his earing, he said his hole must be closed by now.. but then when he came by the next day, Bing! his earring was in and he even mentioned he looked good that day! Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

#14 Feb 1 - 1PM (Reply to #6)

Playedwithfire

and the mirror

He was standing in the foyer and I was standing facing him at a short distance. There is a mirror on the wall behind me. I actually caught him and called him on the fact that I was "here" so please look at me when you are talking to me, not yourself in the mirror behind me! He laughed it off. Then the next day during a conversation, I was thinking of something and glanced up at the ceiling and he remarks, "oh is there a mirror up there?' I think that is called Projection. Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

#15 Feb 1 - 10AM

Hunter

If you continue with this

If you continue with this you are setting yourself up for another let down. Liars,Users & Losers. If you think he has changed you are kidding yourself . I thought he was broke too. If this is what you want for your future go for it. People don't change. Yes my dear you are playing with fire. I hope you see the light Idealk

#16 Feb 1 - 10AM (Reply to #2)

spinning

Played, a big second to

Ideal. She knows what she's talking about. Sadly, but yet also somewhat empowering, I know it too. Go NC. Stay NC. Do not continue with the poison. It fogs your thinking. Truly. I am almost 3 months NC and I cannot tell you the clarity that has slowly arrived and with that clarity the TRUTH of what Ideal said above. Liars. Users. Psychos. Losers. They DO NOT CHANGE. I'm no expert and do not profess to be. I'm just telling you WHAT I KNOW IS TRUE from personal experience. I danced in that circle for a long, long time. Do not let what happened to me happen to you. Time is precious and it ticks by...move toward your future as Ideal suggests, a future that is filled with light and peace and love, not chaos and lies. Don't keep playing with fire. I'm here to tell you the closer you get to the flame the deeper the scar and the burn. sincerely (still trying to stop) spinning

spinning

#17 Feb 1 - 10AM (Reply to #3)

Hunter

PWF

Also, I enjoy a carousel ride as much as the next person but only at a carnival. This clown is taking you for a ride. Do not fall into Devils Hole. Sorry if Im harsh, the games they play are sick Nd hurtful. You deserve better. Idealk

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