1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. The Path Forward Forum
  5. Seeing them in action

Seeing them in action

11 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Feb 22 - 12PM
newpage
newpage's picture

Seeing them in action

Hi all,

I am feeling so WEAK and weepy right now. After a great weekend with girlfriends and taking some much needed time for myself- now this.

Some of you might know that I work with my ex. I need to vent about how damn difficult it is to see him in action with another girl. I am feeling totally helpless today, even after the long weekend. They just went off to find some private place to eat lunch together in the office. Why does this still hurt me so much..

I feel like I am the only one that knows what he is capable of, but it's impossible to really recognize it and accept it when I see him seducing everyone around him in the office. I now feel like the bitch because I have isolated myself from the new coworker he is dating, him, etc. I just can't have them in my life.

When we were together he resented any sort of interaction I would have with my friends here, or other men in the office. He always would get a little dig in at me and the other person. Unfortunately I saw this as some sort of sign that he loved me, rather than a sign that he was a jealous and controlling person. When I see him and the new girl, none of that seems to be there. He is in therapy, and he is medicated. I know I can't be sure what is going on behind closed doors, but there's that creeping doubt that maybe he figured out how to do it right this time.

Why do I feel like something is so wrong with me? My heart goes out to everyone especially that has to deal with their N in close quarters. Sometimes, I cannot believe this is my life!

Hugs to all,
NP

Feb 22 - 4PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Np/ex/sara

You guys are doing great! You really are, yet you still need to understand these men are very sick! They have a disorder, they don't think, act or feel the way we do. Dr's can't even cure it. you are trying to figure out how their touught process works. They have none. They are predators , they are the Devil! Also, all you guys did was fall in love! That's it, they don't care how you feel, it's all about them! Please read more on this disorder so you can set yourself free. Idealk
Feb 22 - 2PM
exhausted
exhausted's picture

I have to see mine everyday

I have to see mine everyday at work as well. It is hard. I see him putting his coat on and I know they are going across the street for coffee together. I see him coming out of her office a few times a day. He used to walk past mine and smile or stop in and chat with me. Now I don't even get a look from him. I think he is ashamed because I know everything he has done. Maybe he just doesnt care that I am in the office. He has his sights set on fresh meat and I was basically thrown in the trash. We need to see the truth and that is that we are better off. In time new girl will be the trash and he will be on to yet another new one. Seeing it hurts though and I know there is nothing I can say to you to make the pain go away. I guess time is all we need. Hang in there!
Feb 22 - 4PM (Reply to #9)
newpage
newpage's picture

Hi exhausted

Thanks for chiming in. I know that you work with your ex and have followed your story. I'm confused though- wasn't there an ex gf he was trying to win back? Now he's pursuing someone else in the office?? That's unbelievable! Mine left me to try to work on this with his separated wife. Because I don't think she is taking him back, he's moved on to yet another gal in the office. (Keep in mind the wife, him, me, and the other girl ALL work in the same office.) It's sort of like shooting fish in a barrel with these guys. They are not nice people! It isn't fair that they can go from one kind person to another when they deserve nothing. The coats! Ugh, always with the coats. It's the signal. I see one get up and put on their coat, then the other. I watch it like it is happening in slow motion and some sort of dream. I watch all of the SAME rituals and bits of affection we used to share happen all over again- things left on their desks for each other, coffee breaks alone. It is serious deja-vu. I sometimes can't even believe it. Wasn't that me just a few months ago? With what you and Ideal touched on- yes, sometimes I don't know he is not contacting me because he is ashamed and knows better than to keep stringing me along, or simply, because he just doesn't care. If he cared though, he wouldn't have done any of this. He would have gotten his shit together after his failed marriage and found out who he was rather than ditching me for someone else we work with. The most convenient option for him, and the most painful for me. He doesn't care if I was there for him all through his failing relationship trying to carry him trying to let him know it would all be okay some day. Or that I sacrificed years of my life not looking at anyone else because I felt I needed to be loyal to him. Even though he was actively with someone else! I know Ex, we can only keep repeating the same thing over and over..it will happen to her. It will happen to her. Hugs, NP
Feb 22 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Ex

He's not ashamed, I think they are numb, they don't feel like we do. If he was ashamed he would care about the lives he is hurting. He doesn't, he is a very Ill man. Once you get too close, the D &D starts! That poor girl, Stay out of it. Idealk
Feb 22 - 2PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

New Page

Hello, You're ok! Stay the course and give it more time. What you feel is normal. Hugs Idealk
Feb 22 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
newpage
newpage's picture

Thanks Ideal

I had such a good week otherwise, so maybe that's why today seems so difficult. I think I have been thinking about maybe meeting someone new. I would like to meet someone normal and that cares about me, but then when I REALLY think about it I start to think about the good times with the ex. It must be hard to let someone new into your life after dealing with these people- which is a shame. I saw that you were out of town recently, and you described Vegas as Narc City. It made me laugh out loud to myself! I sort of hate Vegas, so maybe that's why I always have been a little put off by it ha ha.. Hugs back NP
Feb 22 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

NP

Start by doing things that make you happy. I don't think you are ready for a new relationship yet. I went to Vegas with my Girlfriends, we had a blast. I agree not my favorite place. We go every year just to be together and laugh our asses off! So you see,first, get your act together, once you shine the rest of your life will fall into place. You are worrying about dateing when you should be worried about your peace! I suggested everyone watch "it's complicated" Meryl Streeps character finds happiness in her family and her own business, I don't want to spoil it, so watch and see what I mean. You will win, Idealk
Feb 22 - 1PM
Mariline
Mariline's picture

You just need a bit more

You just need a bit more time. It happens because you cannot go completely no contact as you work with him. It will be more difficult. But you can shut down your mind and your eyes and your heart and your soul. You know what you know. He is not going to be different with her. He is not going to feel feelings: he is not capable of them. It is a matter of power, take this in mind. It will last longer with this woman, paradoxically, because of you: he rejoices in knowing you are suffering. The destiny of this girl will not be different from yours. One day she will recall and understand. She will understand how bad can be a man who does not care at this point of the feelings of a woman who once was a part of his life. Do not doubt of yourself. You know the truth. It will take time for the truth to show up, but eventually it will. Take care of yourself now. take care of yourself and remember that the best revenge is : first, no contact; second, being happy. You will heal, it is a promise. You will heal. You will find a decent man, who is not fake and cruel. He has no feelings. You have them. He is not human. You are. He does not have a brilliant future: he will end alone. (((hugs)))
Feb 22 - 2PM (Reply to #3)
newpage
newpage's picture

Mariline

- you are an angel! Thanks so much for posting and helping to keep me on track. NC is sort of like an exorcism. That's what I feel like it is- like a demon is being ripped from me but my body is fighting it the whole time! I think NC is doubly hard for people who, like you, are empathic and kind people. It seems to go against the very nature of who we are- but it's the only way. I wasn't tempted to break NC today, thank goodness. But, I didn't want him to see me crying, because that will only make him think that I am crazy and ridiculous like he says I am. I need to remember he didn't take his wife's feelings into consideration with me, and now he's not taking my feelings into consideration with the new girl. Why am I so surprised? Hugs to you Mariline- thank you thank you.
Feb 22 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Just to make it clear:

Just to make it clear: personality disorders are NOT treatable. He can be contained, reduces for a while. But he has no feelings and never will have them. Personality disorders evolve with time. They become worse and worse. It is not going to be better this time: it is going to be worse. It is in the nature of illness. Everything I say, I know it for sure. Experienced on my own skin.