why

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#1 Mar 14 - 5PM
nh22
nh22's picture

why

Help me understand this..... Are people who are narcs bipolar also? I ask because I find that my boyfriend is "normal" one day and the next day will wake up and be back to his old narc self.

For example: Friday was a horrible day. I woke up knowing something was wrong. He wouldn't speak much and I kept asking what was wrong and he wouldn't talk. I knew in the hours to come he would text me with the problem. Sure enough-- he did. He asked why I was talking to one of his ex wives and a girlfriend of his friend on the phone. He checked my phone and saw a call to each of them. Once again, if he would have did all his investigating he was wrong again. The call to his ex he made me make one night when he was in a rage that I had a "thing" for a family friend. The other call was meaningless also. He wouldn't let it go. Accuasations started flying about things he assumed I did in my past before I was with him that wasn't true. I cried and cried and begged him to stop and tried so hard to proove to him none of it was true but he has these thoughts in his head and they won't leave. No matter what I would say he wouldn't believe it. The night got worse and worse. He continued with horrible words and wouldn't stop. All I could do was cry. We even got into a shoving episode. It was disgraceful.
The next day it was like he was a new man. He woke up and you would have thought that we had the perfect relationship. He was loving, kind, appreciative. I didn't understand it and couldn't question it because I knew where it would go if I did. This continued for 2 days. Of course, this is after I bought us dinner, lunch, groceries and gas for him too. He pays for nothing and lives at my house for FREE.
Tonight he walks in the door and I am cooking spaghetti and have a cake in the oven. He says, "I thought we were having a casserole, I was in the mood for that." I said, "I'll fix that this week I had the stuff for this." He ate it and seemed to enjoy it then I asked him if he wanted cake. He said, "I don't like chocolate cake and I am not eating that." I said I would take the icing off--and did. He said he wasn't eating that crumbled up cake. I took the plate brought it over to the trash and threw it away and the whole cake too. He walked away and told me to leave him alone.
I confronted him and he ignored me and told me to get out of the way. I asked him why couldn't he just have tried it or acted like he appreciated my efforts or even apologize. He said I don't like it why am I going to eat it? I cried and he told me I was crazy. He brought up an incident from yesterday and said, "Go find someone else who says what you want them to." I asked him why he had to be so mean and disrespectful and he said he wasn't-- just to leave him alone. I walked away crying.

Am I overreacting?

How do you go from being so kind one day and so mean the next? What is it with this man?

Mar 15 - 7PM
MyNaturalState
MyNaturalState's picture

I think what you need is

I think what you need is tough love. Stop spoiling him and maybe he'll stop acting like a spoiled brat. Does he have a job? If so, why isn't he paying rent? I'm left questioning why you are treating him like you are way more than I'm wondering about him.
Mar 15 - 6PM
neverlookback
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I have read

That almost ALL personality disordered individuals suffer from other mental disorders also. Bipolar, depression, lots of compulsive disorders, almost ALWAYS.
Mar 15 - 5PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

NH22

Welcome to the Nuts club! The nuts make us nuts. It's not pretty. That's why NC is the only option. Mine treated me like a queen for 1 year, Then took me down in 5 minutes. All it took was one phone call and evil words. Don't try and figure out how they operate, you wont! You need to free yourself from this man and begin a new narc free life. Hugs Idealk
Mar 15 - 4AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Abusive Cycle

What you have here is the "abusive cycle." Read Donald G. Dutton, PhD, "The Abusive Personality" (Second Edition). The first edition is a trade paperback & less detailed. Or, get Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That?" Bancroft's book is easily assessible--in fact, I recommend it to read first. The abuser has internal tensions which build up. he discharges his tension by picking a fight. And then he feels better. This is your function in life. YOU are his punching bag. There are three forms of bi-polar. One form mimics the borderline personality. However, the bi-polar of this type lacks the fear of abandonment which the borderline manifests. These a subtle diagnoses for mental health professionals and even they can call this one wrong. And all these categories are ever evolving. Nobody really understands these psychopathologies very well. NOW, the question is: When N tells you to go find somebody who says the things you want to hear, why don't you? Why is he still there? Why are you putting up with this abusive male who is living off of you? If he pushed you the other night, why didn't you dial 911 & get the police to arrest him for assault & battery? And then go to the courthouse the next morning and get a restraining order while the N was being arraigned. He would then only be able to come to the house with the police to collect his possessions. And he would be out of your life. Methinks that perhaps you want him in your life? For better or worse. And it's gonna be for worse.
Mar 15 - 7AM (Reply to #10)
spinning
spinning's picture

nh, your posts break my heart,

every single one of them. You will not be able to clearly see the huge amounts of ABUSE you are putting up with every day until you rid yourself of this disturbed individual. He brings nothing to your life but heartache, doubt, chaos and pain. What is good about that? My hope for you is that you will think enough of yourself to realize that you have a choice and you do not have to choose to continue to face this kind of crap. Make a list of the good and the bad. I know how hard it is when you've been conditioned and brainwashed. But your gut is screaming at you to stop the cycle. That's why you're here. I'm pulling for you and sending the good vibes. Sincerely (getting off the) spinning (wheel)... ...and much happier for it.

spinning

Mar 15 - 7AM (Reply to #8)
betterthanbefore
betterthanbefore's picture

re: abusive cycle - our parents role

Wow I reconized this behavior described below- it started with my parents. They drank druged f*cked around and were miserable, they would fight like crazy people and in the end they would decide it was my fault, and then they would bond and f*ck for the evening. Mom even tried to run off with someone else when i was 6 but he took off and mom came back to dad and said as long as she didnt have to take care of me she would stay. They were both abusive (although her more so) and watched the other one abuse me. it went on and on till I went NC as an adult. I have no idea what normal looks like, does anybody know? "The abuser has internal tensions which build up. he discharges his tension by picking a fight. And then he feels better. This is your function in life. YOU (I was their) are his punching bag"
Mar 15 - 7AM (Reply to #9)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

betterthanbefore

Strange because before i knew anything like narcissism, I once wrote him that I was tired of being his emotional punching bag, I was onto something, I just did not know what!!!
Mar 14 - 9PM
CougarBabe7
CougarBabe7's picture

Nh22

Sounds like he may possibly be a Borderline. Mine used to bitch and moan that I took too many short-cuts in the kitchen. Told me I was lazy and not to feed him certain things because it was "dog food." So one day I went grocery shopping and bought all this "real food" to make him a nice 4 course meal. What happened? He didn't even show up to eat it! This is what you call a "no win" situation. They do it on purpose. Always with the "come here" then "go away" behavior - that's typical w/the Borderlines. Once they have pushed you away and you give them space and/or distance, they start with the hoovering again. It's so exhausting!!!
Mar 14 - 5PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Borderline Personality

Borderline Personality Disorder is often misdiagnosed as BiPolar. Just an fyi
Mar 14 - 5PM
Steph
Steph's picture

Sounds like a narc to me. Bi

Sounds like a narc to me. Bi polar, I don't know but it doesn't matter. Are you over reacting? Hell no! What an absolute spoiled little baby. I bet that cake you made woulda been fabulous too. Too bad we all weren't around to enjoy it with you and have a nice night in the company of REAL people. Sorry for what happened to you:(
Mar 14 - 5PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

NH22

I do not know if he is bi=polar but he has to be a NARC and a real asshole,moody, you have to walk on eggshells, can you imagine some woman treating him the way he treats you? He is a disgrace,unempathetic, spoiled, all about me and my wants/needs, little boy who thinks he can get away with treating you like crap and he is unless you tell him to get some therapy or just plain get the hell out, makes me mad the way he treated you Yuck!!!I hope you realize it and get out and away...what a nightmare of stress you must be under, he is Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, a hallmark of narcissism. As to your overreacting, HARDLY ...........
Mar 14 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
booboo35
booboo35's picture

Hi My ex Narc had terrible

Hi My ex Narc had terrible mood swings, Example if i washed his clothes for him and dried them he would moan that the dryer had put to may creases in his jeans, Anything can kick these little shits off in to jekyll and Hyde mode, Its horrible when they do it though, as it is head fuck games. They are big babies, I would be here till next week listing all the times he had mood swings, They appreciate nothing and just take, take, take, We are just there to serve them and we must be perfect and never make mistakes. xxx

STAY STRONG!! XX

Mar 14 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
MovinOnUp
MovinOnUp's picture

NH22

I second owml's emotion. It might help you, if you haven't already to read Agnes's post in the thread titled "Could I be his exception." Her analogy with rats and intermittent reinforcement may help you understand why good guy must raise his head once in awhile. You aren't even close to overreacting here. (HUGS)