23 days NC but 4 feet away from him

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#1 Sep 9 - 1PM

moonshine

23 days NC but 4 feet away from him

Dear Members,

I wanted to share what is going on. first reason is that i want to share what i have been reflecting and second to get your opinions and encouragement.

I moved away from his place 3 months back. The first month was awful. I was going crazy. Literally going crazy. I have never behaved like that before. The withdrawal from the N drug was immense on me. The next month I learnt NPD. I started reading and could make some sense to my brain. But I went back to him every 2 weeks to ask him the "why" questions. He asked me to leave. I felt very insulted. The last time when I met him he said that he had asked out the girl at work and felt devastated as I see them both everyday and I work with them. There were other incidents like this before and i don't want to go into details now. I just want to say I was in the lowest point in my life and I was not able to help myself.

Its been 23 days. I have not talked with him. i had to work with him once and hence talked only work related. He asked me to join him or he wanted to join me for lunch or dinner. I refused. Now I am able to step back and reflect all these days. I could see how he used me...how I let myself be used or why I let myself to be used. I trusted and loved him from the bottom of my heart and had no where else to go apart from him. Hence...i was broken.

I am able to see that he will NEVER miss me. He will never have any place in his life for me and also I dont want to be with him either. I could see how the drug worked on me. Although i am away from him if i have the smell of him near me or if i smell anything close to reminding him anywhere, I get a bit out of control. I dont see him in the eyes. Even if I see him in the eyes i just be indifferent.

NC has helped me. Helped me to see. Helped me to have time to break the pattern of confusion and the begging that I had to do with him. The last day I was literally on my knees with him...asking him...."why did you do this to me"....he was cold as a stone. Although I realize that he does not feel anything...it was not healthy for me. I could have hurt me much more worse.

NC was very very difficult to go.

I substituted him with books, new people i meet and reading great posts from here.

I am able to appreciate the stillness of life when i sit quietly by the lake and reflect.

I can also see that how i can easily fall down again if i give into one of his little invitations....and go crazy all over.

I feel better....ok....i cant say better....i am just able to think again...for now.

I dont know what the future holds for me....i dont know if i will fall down again.....but today i stand at 23 days NC and yet able to site 4 feet away from him (and the OW of his interest).

I feel alone most of the times but i also can feel the worse things i will be going through if i am with him.

Thanks everyone for writing to me earlier. I will always be grateful for your time that you have spent on me.

#2 Sep 9 - 3PM

almostlydia

Moonshine

Dear Moonshine, You are so much stronger than me, to have to work within 4' of him and watch - I just can't imagine the pain of that on top of the pain I do know so well. I hope at least you can be so proud of yourself for the strength you have found to not only cope, but to move forward. This strength will get you through to the other side. I used to tell the exN that he would not break me but the truth is is that he did. Altho I thank God for the peace I have in my life now, I know I am broken. I feel as tho I have been taken down a few notches and that my spirit is broken leaving an aura of sadness in my soul. I can still laugh and joke with friends and smile but it is all with an air of restraint like a wounded animal. One thing I do know and have much faith in is that life can change when you least expect it and happiness can come again. Because this happened to me a few years ago when I left the exN after a particularly horrific thing he did to me, I was sure I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but then, by accident I met a great man and all that pain began to subside. Altho I foolishly let the exN beg and plead his way back in to my life again only to continue his destruction, at least God let me know that there is hope beyond this heartache. Hang in there, girl. I feel your pain. Some days I just do what Tom Hanks said in 'Sleepless in Seattle': 'I wake up in the morning and remind myself to breath.' But those days have grown less and less. I have said this before here, but it's worth saying over and over again, when I start focusing on my life without him, when I start making plans for me and where I'm going from here, I begin to lose that broken feeling and I don't have to remind myself to breath. I actually begin to get some enthusiasm back in my life for life. Maybe this can work for you too. Stay strong. Your incredible in what you're doing. almostlydia

almostlydia

#3 Sep 9 - 8PM (Reply to #6)

moonshine

Thanks almostlydia

Thank you for your words. It feels very difficult but this seems to be the only way to escape the madness. I went to the lowest of low. I am still hurting very bad...but NC has helped me to just think. I like how positive you are in thinking that life can change any moment. It hard for me to think that way. It feels like there is endless misery for me....but I can start to trust your words. I am sorry that you Ex N did that to you...broke you....yes mine broke me too....like you I thought he can not do it to me....but when I realized that I was already into his web. I am broken very much too. People here might have family and friends to help. My friends live away from me. My N is all I had. I saw him as a friend and family. I was alone needing love and he came into my life. Gave me the companionship and he was alone too....and i thought we found each other . We were very close. Little did I know that he was looking at OW all the while and never loved me. He said I am just a roommate. All I wanted was love...to be loved and I opened up to him. We reduce our barriers with our loved ones and be ourself...thats what I did . ...but he took that as an advantage. I believed he was everything to me and he left me alone to have a panic attack and went with an OW. Life shattered in front of my eyes...I could not understand why...now i know why.....I hope I be strong. I will remember to breath.....its especially difficult to breath at work when he is around. I am planning for my life...as you have said...it will help. I hope your days get better and you no longer be broken. Again....thanks for the kind words.

#4 Sep 9 - 3PM

faithinthefuture

moonshine

I remember the first days after I kicked mine out & he moved back to mommys house 600 miles away. I was like a crazy animal who had rabies. I was the lowest place I have ever been in my life. I didn't think I would ever come up from the depths of the pain I was feeling. I am a 52 yr old woman who let some man take me down to this level. I hurt I was embarrassed I couldn't function. Reading your post brought back a lot of those feelings and I want to thank you. It made me realize even more how much I want nothing to do w/him. I can honestly say I don't feel love towards him anymore but I still feel the hurt and the anger. Those are getting better. Cold as stone. That cuts to the heart lady. No one should ever be treated that way by anyone! Well except us towards the N! I don't know if I could stand to see him especially with the OW.(she broke it off w/him cuz he was embarrassed to take her out in public & was only good enough as a piece of ass) I've been NC for almost 6 months. I am better. I can feel that. When I laugh it's for real. I'm not pretending anymore to my family or friends. If we knew what the future held for us I don't think there's one of us who would've been w/our N. :-) Now we learn and grow and we think about ourselves. I too give you soo much credit for your strength. I am proud of you.

#5 Sep 9 - 8PM (Reply to #4)

moonshine

thanks faithinthefuture

Yes, I was also like a animal who had rabies. Like a mad person. I could relate to everything you have written. I would still be if i would have gave into his lunch and dinner invites. But....after a while ...after knowing who he is and what he was doing to me........i felt very insulted....i felt that i have been treated very bad ...as you said ...no person should be treated this way....and hence minimized my visits. I still had the "whys" in my head. After NC the "whys" are answered to me from within me...in a very different way. I would not even be thinking...but it just comes to me....the answers......that...he just treated me like shit and why he did it...and how he could never love me....and how he NEVER loved me. It was and is very painful as he still tries to lure her in...the OW. I get instant reactions when i see that....now i think i am growing numb or trying to control. I try to block out what he is talking and not take details of his life and put it in my mind. Like you said...he thinks I am punishing him by not talking but he is not willing to see that I am not talking because of what he did. I am happy for your 6 months NC ....I am happy that you are laughing ...i know how much it means to us after going through what we went through. Thanks for saying that you are proud of me...it means a lot to me!!!

#6 Sep 9 - 2PM

Briseis

Your story is a wonderful

Your story is a wonderful example of why NC is about us. Not to punish them (though it may be seen by them as punishment). We need NC to get clear. We can't get clear when we are engaged in a back and forth with the Narc. We have to get out of the arena. And your story is very important, in that we can get out of the arena EMOTIONALLY, while physically they are four feet away. That's as long as they ignore you and treat you as if you no longer exist. Some of us have Narcs that we had to leave the state and go into hiding over. That's not a demonstration of love, it is a demonstration of needy destruction, btw. NC will take each of us to the same place, it's a vehicle OUT of the pain and suffering. Where we end up -- four feet away or four states away is dependent on a lot of other factors. It must be very hard to be anywhere near him . . . I know I couldn't do it, so I admire you very much. It also says a lot about him, what a total useless shit of man he is, and how fortunate you are to be clear of him.

#7 Sep 9 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

moonshine

thank you briseis

Thanks for the encouraging words. I could not decide what to do after the grueling pain he was causing me everyday at work by talking and laughing with the OW and also others. This particularly happened just after i moved out. I would run to the restroom during work and cry or at times run out to contain my triggered panic attacks. So I thought I need to do something. One of my friend who lives away from me gave strength. He wrote emails and talked to me. Other than him i didnt have anyone to go through this confusion with. I read something about the concept of "home". I dont have a significant other to love and share and hence there was never a "home". But the reading said that home is found inside the heart ...if that is not found ....one will never be happy even if he has a big house or a physical place as home. So..i thought...its all in the mind and hence i just have to change the way i think ...it doesnt matter that N is near or away. I just have to put up with this but something significant has to change ...and that is NC..even while I am there. It would have been better if I didnt have to see him everyday...trying his pickup tactics at the OW. I am a very fun loving person. Easy to get along. I always used to laugh and talk with people at work. Now I stopped everything. I just go do my work..come back. I am still in pain. It still pains like hell....I am not sure how long ...but here I am today. Its easy to fall as I am closer to the devil everyday....may be? I hope to stay strong and I read here everyday. He is a very hurtful person ....he brought me to lowest of the low...in all aspects of life. Thanks for your words. They help a lot.

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