abusednomore's story

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#1 Dec 19 - 6PM
abusednomore's picture

abusednomore's story

Hi, I am nearly 6months since my ex partner left me very suddenly. I have only just recognised that he was a narcassistic partner and have been reading up on it with shock and anger and upset as i read more and more and can relate to everything being said!

I met my ex through facebook, at the time i had been on my own since having my daughter 4 years before. I had had on off boyfriends but nothing ever serious and they had never been introduced to my daughter. I was in my 2nd year at University and i was living by myself with my daughter and was quite independent and comfortable. Then up pops a familiar face on facebook, an old friend of my brothers who i had grown up with, he was 4 years older than me but moved away when he was 16 and i had never really heard anything about him since then. I was 26 when i requested him to be my friend on facebook. He messaged me straight off and we started chatting every day for a bout a week or so, getting more intense. He told me he had married just over a year ago but in the first few messages he told me it "wasnt all a bed of roses"! He gave me his telephone number and he called me while he was at work, then textin me nearly every hour of the day. Always telling me about how hard done by he was, how he was pushed into marrying her, how she had "changed" since they got married, she wouldnt do anything he wanted sexually and that she did in the earlier stages but that has been "taken away from him" now! all the while i was feeling more and more sorry for him, couldnt believe how she could treat such a lovely caring man!!!!

This lasted a month, in the 3rd week since meeting he told me he loved me, that i was his soul mate, that we were meant to be, that he had talked it all over with his mum and she had said he had found "the one"!!!! and i stupidly believed him, thinking we could have the fairytale ending, the perfect man i had been waiting for all these years!!!!

After a month he left his wife, telling her that he loved me and that it wouldnt work with her and then went back to his mum n dads. I was a little overweight at the start of our relationship and looking back now i can see the digs that started straightaway. He had trouble keeping an erection at first and blamed that on me as i had a different body type to his ex wife, that my chest was bigger and he was only used to a small chest, that my torso wasnt as long as his ex wife and thats why i had "some rolls!!!", but then would say i had pretty eyes! lol! This was only a small part and he set off on the charm offencsive, taking me out, buying me things, going out with me and my daughter. He was constantly at my house which at the time i thought was great. Although looking back he never offered to pay anything towards the bills/food, etc and if there was anything that needed doing he would do it, and say i didnt need to ask anyone else now i had him as he could fix anything around the house. The first year, at the time was the best thing ever! we went out for meals, went on nights out (always just me and him i hasten to say), he paid for us to go on a holiday to spain (left my daughter at home because as i quote " he needed some time to relax after the stressful months of having to deal with his ex). i finally got introduced to his friends but only after i had lost 2 stone, and even then his mum n dad took a photo of us b4 we went out and he said i shouldnt look at it because i looked like a merangue! I was a small size 12!

It took a year for him and his ex wife to sell the house they had owned together, and my ex was livid as he had lost a large amount of money that was invested in the property that he had put in and then had to share what was left. he never resolved this anger and used to say constantly that he should have a house by now thats his, and that he deserves better and she had just conned him out of his money. Obviously i agreed with everything he said! (Massaging his ego!). he then got a flat near to where i lived and about a 20min drive from where his parents live. I will add now that my ex was very much a mummys boy and whatever she said was truth and fact! his mum hated that he had moved nearer to me and couldnt understand why he would do that, and then never went to his new flat in the 6months he had it, saying it was too far and she didnt know how to get there and she would be too panicky, and with her having had a heart attack she couldnt risk it. Anyways, it was during this time i was in my final year of uni, had a full time placement along with doing a dissertation and being a mum. When my ex got the flat he persuaded me that it would be a good idea to move back into my parents, so then i could go up and stay with him, obviously he made it look like that was my decision at the time. He then got really angry and mardy like a child when i didnt have the time to go up as i was busy with uni, etc and when i did go up and have to take my work he would constantly nag on at me "when r u finished", "you have come up to spend time with me" "i got this flat to be nearer to u and ur never here"! not once was he ever considerate of the amount of work i had to do. ( he went straight into a job when he was 16 so had never been to university). He was also a compulsive OCD clean freak, to the point where the remote controls had to be in a certain place, the cushions had to be fluffed before going to bed and if i had not shut the curtains right god help me!!!! obviously this was quite tricky with a 5year old child, and my daughter wasnt allowed any toys in the living room, restricted only to her bedroom and even then they had to be played with once at a time! so u can imagine why she never wanted to stay there!

during this time i had started to gain some weight back, so he would constantly compare me to other women, always commented on how i dressed, never complimented me before we went out, it would always be the morning after when he would say "oh u looked stunning last night"! constantly giving sarcastic remarks about what i did, how i said things, etc etc. but all the while being charming around my friends and family. There was one of my friends who was going through a similar break up and who had mentioned to me on a weekend away we had had with her and her boyf and a few of my friends, that she had overheard him remark about me being "chubby" and that he had seen her reaction to that. The whole weekend away he wouldnt join in and pretended to be ill, thereby making me be with him instead of my friends, and then afterwards worked for months on turning me against her and instilling that she was jealous, that she was a man hater and that she wasnt really my friend. (she is my best friend now and also my job share partner!!!!).

We then started looking at houses together, and my dad kindly said he would loan us a lump sum amount as he wanted us to get a good house that would provide stablity for me n my daughter. On his own my ex could only afford a terraced or a flat, even thinking about buying an ex council house was beneath him! we then found one near to my mum n dads and as soon as we had looked we had put an offer on and bought it. I was stupidly trusting of him and believed everything he said when he said that it all should all go in his name as he had the better credit, bank account, etc and that my dad should pay the cheques into his account. He then promised my dad that my name would go on the deeds, to which he did not do as he never showed me any paperwork! but obviously i was in love, excited, that i thought this was the start of our future together as a family. He told me he wanted my daughter to call him dad, that we would get engaged (as soon as i was a size 12 again) !!!! and that he wanted to adopt my daughter so that when we got married we would all have the same surname!!! and said this to her many times. Once in the house everything changed!!!!! he demanded sex at least 3 times a week and would count, and at least one of these had to be of the fetish kind! when i wouldnt do this he would strop off like an unruly child, and go and watch porn and masterbate! he then went on a boys holiday to which i found out after having a sneaky suspicion that he had been messaging another girl on facebook! i rang him, he denied it at first for ages, even when i said her name, until i said that i had seen the messages myself. He was then full of woe, he didnt mean to, everything had gone on top of him, although because he was abroad i just ignored his calls until he got back. Then the excuses started, i made him do it, its been so stressful me doin my dissertation and starting a new job and then all the moving of the house. To my recollection i dont think he ever said it was his fault!!!! i then said i needed time to get over it before we could be ok, a week later i mentioned it and he said to me "havent u got over it yet!!!"

When we first moved in he said that he would pay the mortgage and the bills and keep them all in his name as that was "easier". I then felt like i had to do something so i ended up paying nearly 3 grand on decorating the house, furnishing the house, etc! even tho i only worked part time! but i felt like i had to do it, even tho he worked full time with overtime too! we moved in in sep 2010, from then the controlling and emotional abuse really stepped up a gear, he would make me feel guilty for going out with friends, if i did that then he had to have a night out, if we went out together he would get violently drunk and verbally abuse me (but only when we was in the taxi home or once home, never in front of other poeple). he would discipline my daughter verbally and even smacking her once, which he only told me about a few month after and brushed it off as if she had deserrved it! he would look like the dutiful step dad and help with the pick ups from school, but when i returned from work he would be downstairs watching tv and my daughter would run down the stairs begging me to play with her, obviously he had just sent her up to her room as soon as they had got in, and he would then say well she likes doing that and thats what she wanted to do! I noticed my daughter never wanting "daddy" to take or pick her up from school, she couldnt wait to go to nanny and grandads, and neither could my ex! I slowly started with depression in nov 2010, culminating in me seeking medication in may 2011 shortly after the sudden death of my grandad. At the time i blamed my comfort eating, my constant tears, my lack of motivation, my short temper on this loss and stress at work. I went on antisepressants and took two week off work. my ex would say that i just needed to snap out of it, just go to the gym and that he was counting down the 2 weeks my gp said the tablets would take for me to kick in. I booked us a night away during this time, although i was feeling crap from the tablets and as soon as we got there my ex was desperate to go to the pub. I grudgingly went, had half a lager to please him even tho it was against the medication, i then felt crap and went back to the room and slept for 2 hours, and god did i know about that when i woke up. He was sat in the bath masterbating and just said to me oh have u woke up, i was planning on going home! have u brought sum stockings and heels for tonight!!!! when i said no he then had a tantrum!

looking back on what i have written we had many arguments throughout our relationship, and my ex would always say that i was right, that he must try and be a better person and that it was a struggle for him (these were always in emails/texts). His mum would always say to me that i should feel grateful as he had never bought presents like he had with me and had never been so in love before. Whenever we visited his mum she would always look me up n down, go on about diets and say that people who lost weight had better sex lives! i found this a bit weird and didnt really feel comfortable talking about my sex life, but to my ex this was normal as he discussed EVERYTHING with his mum!

The day before he text me at work to instigate him leaving was fathers day, I was doing a charity run and had to be up really early. 3 weeks before one of his friends had split up with his long term girlfriend who he had a house with and my ex had been constantly up there and on nights out spending all his money on champagne. Whenever i said owt in this time he said that i should feel sorry for his friend and that he was only cheering him up, he was so bitter and angry towards his friends ex and would then reflect that anger on me. During this time i was still feeling crap and he would dig at me about laying on the settee and that i was "married to that blanket" and would come back from my parents saying that my dad said that i needed to lose weight and get agrip! we had a holiday booked for the october to dominican, and he would say that he would only propose to me if i had a bikini body, and that i wasnt paying enough towards helping with the cost of it, even though i had agreed to going down to 2 days at work to help with my illness! he said that he didnt want to end up supporting me and my daughter and that he wasnted to afford a nice house and cars and couldnt if he had to "keep" me! I now know that this was the point when i had gone from an independent women to being a shell of myself, isolated from my friends, thinking my own mum n dad were turning against me, i was dependent on him!!!! during this time i started CBT sessions, I hinted that we should have couples counselling, to which i got a very blunt no! and then said that I was the one with the problem and couldnt see why he had any need to go to therapy, and that if i booked any he wouldnt turn up! the next week he had left! he had my daughter on fathers day, took her to his mum n dads for day while i did a charity run, then went to his friends at night.

The next day he texted me at work to say we werent working. He never said that we should split up but implied it, to which i then said well we should split up then. that one text has then since been the reason why he left!!!! that i was the one who suggested that we arent together! he left because he thought that was what i wanted! he then spent a week belittling me, shouting at me, telling em it was all my fault, he didnt love me anymore, but then saying that i ahould be grateful that he was still here, trying to work at it, waiting to see if his love for me would come back! we went out for tea with my daughter during that week and he even commented about the holiday that we were going on when we was in toys r us and saying to my daughter that she would need some snorkels for going in the sea! when i was at work on friday he text me to say to call him when i finished work! obv i didnt n called him straightaway, he said that he had left and gone back to his mum n dads and that he had taken his clothes. I went to his parents from work and he just coldly stood there and said he didnt love me anymore and why cant i just accept it, while i stood there a crying mess! his mum then came out and said she didnt want to have anything to do with it and started shouting at me! i really dont know what she said cos i blindly ran to my car and drove back to the house. he then spent all weekend messaging me ridiculous stories of how it was all my fault and that he wanted to put the house on the market straightaway. He emailed my dad and thanked him for everything my parents had done for him and me but that our relationship was over to him and that i was the one clinging on and that my dad would get his money back! he agreed to a months break as this is what i thought he needed for him to see sense and come back to me!!!! i now know that he was already on to his next conquest, a woman 11 years younger that worked at his place, and judging by his comments on facebook had been on a date with her that following weekend after dumping me! my daughter, well he jus dumped her, didnt want to see her, i had a vile phone message from his mum telling me that (the week after he left) that i needed to move on and that i should just leave her alone! luckily for me i received this message half an hour before my therapy session and was a crying wreck throughout that hour session, bless the therapist! i couldnt understand how someone could just abandon me n my daughter, how his parent s could be so cold when they had been all for for being a nanny and a grandad ( the ex was an only child and they had no other relatives). I then had a few week s of him being so angry, blaming me for him being in this situation, blaming me for him leaving his wife, etc etc. After a bit i grew tired of listening to it, he said to me during that time that he looked in the mirror and he thinks hes perfect! i knew then, after discussing with friends, that i was in a no win situation! i told him to talk to my dad from then on, to whic he would call my dad and say how i had treated him so badly, that he was going to leave me months ago but didnt and that i had drove him to do all this! We changed the locks on the house and that was the best thing i ever did, as he thought he could come to the house whenever he wanted n take what he wanted. By this time my daughter was totally out of the equation, except for when he would say i did all this to help u n ur daughetr, i would only resent her if i stayed, i cant be a family and im not good enough to be a dad!

My ex came round with an estate agent one friday knowing i was at work and went ballisitic when he found he couldnt get in. He kicked the back door, rand and threatened my dad, then got his mum n dad to ring my dad shouting obscenities down the phone, his dad saying that we should trust his son, that he would never threaten anyone, his mum then screaming down the phone that it was all my fault, i gave her son dirty looks and didnt talk to him right, that i never contributed to anything and that all i used to do was buy the shopping and eat it all, and that i would just end up a single parent on benefits with that brat!!!! so, i then realised why his mum was like that on the phone before, because b4 that i truly thought they cared and had some integrity, obviously they dont!

Since then i am still in the house as the ex wont agree to gibving my dad the money back, it is all through solicitors althpough most of his letters r jus biting personal remarks about me and tbh they do really get to me, and i get frustrated at my solicitor sometimes as he always says to not rise to the tit for tat and jus put in the basic info! he was texting me a few weeks back issuing ultimatums, and it was at this point i found out that he had cheated on me, and he had just got engaged to this woman and flounced it on facebook and that they had been on holiday!!!! all the while claiming in these solicitor letters that he had no money!

When this first happened, the few friends he had messaged me with support, that my ex had never mentioned it to them but at the same time that i had had a lucky escape as i was too good for him and that all he ever wants is the honeymoon stages of a relationship. a couple of months in these messages dwindled and one of his friends girlfriends put a comment on about "never make assumptions", and a couple deleted me. I then took myself off facebook for 2 months, which was the best thing i ever did. I didnt have the chance to read any comments, look up my ex's profile pic, i was able to feel a tiny bit free. It was about 3-4 days after i deleted my facebook that i started to get random messages off my ex. On his birthday he text me in the early morning to say that he wanted to kill himself. He then text in the morning to say that that message wasnt meant for me but that this situation was killing him! yeh rite! at the time tho i text back a few angry messages to which he never replied to! now i know why! CONTROL!!!! he wasnt expressing any remorse at all like i thought he was, and he was with this other woman prob at the time!

i went back on facebook a month ago and deleted all of his friends, bar one who wasnt on anymore. when i found out about him getting engaged, which came as a shock as he had vehemently denied that there was any other woman b4 this, even tho in back of my mind i knew this wasnt true as i can remember him saying once that he would never leave me unless he had someone else to go to! and this woman is everything he said he never liked! bizarre!

So since then i have had a letter saying that he will give me some of the money but he is to inspect the house and make sure i have left it exactly how he left it and that his belongings and everything in the house is in good condition! a bit worried that now ive found out about his betrayal that im gonna trash his stuff!!!! i have caught his dad driving past my house, he nearly drove into the kerb when he knew i had spotted him, had his friend message me on facebook going under the guise that he was trying it on and that he didnt want my ex to know, to then dronong on about how i should feel sorry for my ex as he is living in a box room at his parents, that he knows for definite that he didnt start seeing that girl until he ahd finished with me, and that he had no responsibility for my daughetr once he left because she werent his and that i was just using her as a smokescreen to gain sympathy!!!!!! he has since blocked me, then unblocked me, and then blocked me again! and my ex said in teh last solicitor letter that i was harassin him and that hes had to change his number!!!!1 really! lol!

I now just want to get rid and move on fully, i feel stuck in a rut in this house and i really think he is just lingering it on because this is the last thing he has control over. Tonight i have received texts from a number that i dont know claimimg to be some guy called steve who i met in liverpool and have received 20 texts in 1 n half hours!!!! i posted a pic in july of me in liverpool but i never met any guys cos i ended up crying into my mates shoulder most of the night!!!!! so maybe this could be the ex trying to exert some control! who knows, but i sent one back saying that i would be contacting the police if any more came through and they hav suddenly stopped! I am still looking up my ex's new fiance on fb, and know that i shouldnt, but tbh i just laughed at her recent pic, i can look at him now and really think, what was i thinking. I have gone thru all the emotions, luckily i had the therapy to help me guide me thru this which i am so grateful for cos i think that i would have been crazy without it! my friends and family have been fantastic and my social life now is the best ever, and my daughter is so much happier! the first couple of months were painful, and she couldnt understand why "daddy" didnt love mummy! and thats the hardest thing to accept, knowing that i brought him into her life and i let her call him daddy, when he was just a fake all along!!!!! i found birthday toys she had received from her party in january stuffed near the roof in the garage. He had hid them without telling me, and in august when i found them there were still toys in their packaging! he had obv hid them thru jealousy cos we had had a big party for her! (he did nothing to help for it and spent the whole time sulking).

but we live and learn, and i really feel like i can accept the situation knowing that it wasnt me, its him with the problem and even though him and his fiancee might look happy on photos, it doesnt necessarily mean they are. And as soon as i leave his life and that competition/game playing is not there, im pretty sure the cycle of control will arise its ugly head again in that relationship!!!!!

Sorry for the massive story and ive prob forgot to mention loads of controlling and manipulative things he did throughout, but this is just the bits of the story that have come out when ive typed. Thanks for reading. :-)

Dec 19 - 7PM
Hunter's picture

Welcome to Narcville.. You

Welcome to Narcville.. You too must get to work.. Read, Read, Read.. NC is the answer.. Lisa's six steps to the Path Forward is a great staring point.. Hunter