Achieving Indifference

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#1 Aug 2 - 2PM
mystwoman
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Achieving Indifference

I just had a small triggering event seeing xnh, and I was just curious how long (if ever) it was before some you here achieved indifference toward the narc. I was with him for 16 years, and I'm 14 months NC. I realize that this is different for everyone (and I'm guessing to varying degrees as well). If you feel indifference toward your narc, what are some of the things that helped you get there?

Before lunch, I had to go back to my old work area to ask my boss a work related question. His office is located in the area that I was moved away from because of xnh's harassment towards me after the D&D. My boss's office also is right next door to the office of a "mutual friend" that I am NC with as well, because he would NOT stop talking to me about xnh and xnh's hideous P daughter. As I walked into my boss's office doorway, xnh came out of the mutual friend's closed office door right into me. I'm sure xnh and the mutual friend were having some "secret conclave" about xnh's perpetual drama behind his closed door. I really DON'T either want to know nor do I care. Whatever. I was just annoyed to have xnh pop out at that exact moment. I ignored xnh completely, and had my discussion with my boss after he went down the hall.

After the work discussion, I asked my boss if he had any lunch plans (because we've also been friends for 20 years now), and we wandered to the opposite end of the building to ask my best friend if she'd like go somewhere as well. However, as we approached her area we could see that she was not there. Instead she was in the break room on that end of the building (I could hear her voice), and as I approached the break room xnh (once again) popped out of the doorway. S-U-R-P-R-I-S-E!!! Bear in mind, this break room is on opposite end of the building from xnh's work area, he knew I was on the floor (because he'd just seen me with my boss), he knew that I was likely to see my friend on the opposite end of the building, and it was a solid half hour before lunch. No. I do NOT think it was any "accident" that xnh was in that break room with my friend. Once again I completely ignored xnh, and my friend came out of that break room about as fast as a rat out of an aqueduct. She detests xnh and he had trapped her in there unexpectedly. She said he had walked in there right after she did. She merely wanted a napkin. I'm sure xnh saw her cross the hall and followed (probably with the hopes of stirring up stress when I came to see her).

Nothing really happened except that I'm sure xnh was playing infantile games, and seeing him triggered me. He didn't get the satisfaction of knowing this, but it did trigger me inside. I obviously haven't achieved indifference yet. Each time I saw xnh, I felt like punching him in the face, and I was kind of hoping that I'd get the opportunity to watch his head burst into flames (hopefully causing xnh great pain). Somehow I don't think this is very indifferent. lol. However, that is where I'd like to get emotionally with xnh (and where I think he deserves to be to me - nothing). Quite frankly, he's not worth the sweat off my butt...much less a single thought in my head.

So does anyone have any ideas, suggestions, or stories about achieving the goal of indifference concerning the narc. Right now, I hate him. I'm NOT indifferent.

Aug 3 - 4PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

once you realise that not a

once you realise that not a single thing you could say or do will make one bit of difference, it makes you realise what a waste of time they are. I have wanted to smash his face in so many times this past year since I discovered he threatened my health. I can honestly say that not one single day since my Narc left 2 months ago have I missed him. I see people on here missing their narcs. I think its because they never went all the way. Once you go all the way to marriage with them and realise that you mean as much to them as the piece of toilet paper they just used, it makes you realise there is nothing more to do or say. Those who share children or property with these evil fucks have a very hard time because they will screw with every word as soon as they realise they no longer have control over you.
Aug 2 - 2PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

"not worth the sweat off your

"not worth the sweat off your butt" I like that, it's also very true! Give yourself a break, seeing him is not easy, it's going to take more time since he's up your butt! I'm sure his little games just frost you to the core, why wouldn't it! He knows he's suppose to stay away ,yet he knows how to push all the buttons! Instead of you going to lunch with your boss, give your boss fifty bucks to take narc to lunch, get the narc out if your hair for an hour! It's money well spent :) Hunter
Aug 2 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
FINALLYFREE2BME
FINALLYFREE2BME's picture

Works in progress...

I hate to bring negative news, but after 5 years I'm still not indifferent (which is why I'm back reading the boards). I have a grrrrreat new life with a fabulous guy and wonderful friends, but if I see the N I get a surge of adreneline. Perhaps shock or fear? I'm trying to figure this out myself. (I've been completely NC all this time.) There was a post on here recently (I forget the thread) about making them "legend" in your own mind. By giving them too much thought/power, etc. they become larger than life. This may have something to do with it. Reading the boards helps put them in perspective.
Aug 2 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Thanks finallyfree2bme. I'll

Thanks finallyfree2bme. I'll do a search for the post you mentioned. Yes, I'm not sure whether I'll ever fully be able to achieve indifference with xnh. At this point, his abusive behavior and the pain he inflicted onto me is much too fresh still. Largely what I felt today when I saw him was disgust, hatred, and anger. My deep desire was actually closer to kicking him in the crotch than it was indifference. lol.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Aug 2 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
FINALLYFREE2BME
FINALLYFREE2BME's picture

A theory....

I've been thinking about this thread this afternoon...and I want to throw something else out there on achieving indifference especially for those of us who've been out along time. This may be a stretch, but perhaps, since we think of them as liars, monsters, psychos, evil assclowns,etc (which they ARE) when we see them in person our subconscious is trigged to go "EEEK! There's a lying monster, psycho, evil assclown!!! RUUUNN!" Thus the uncontrollable adreneline trigger/rush. Maybe if we always of them in "less than" terms like "pathetic, miserable, beneath us, etc" or with humor our subconscious wouldn't trigger such an extreme response when we see them. Thoughts? Too much time on my hands???
Aug 3 - 6AM (Reply to #6)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Ridicule is the ultimate weapon

I've read that humor is used for therapy with those suffering from war-induced PTSD. I think that with Ns/Ps, it works THE SAME. Humor renders them harmless. Your'e crying over them... because you're LAUGHING so hard. The ex-Psych prof was the humorless kind (at least my former Narc boss could laugh at himself, he was human that way)... so if he was being laughed at, or if he *THOUGHT* he was being laughed at, he'd run away. He did it at the senior skit, when the closing scene publicly mocked his cowardice&his habit of... running away. Sheesh, when I broke NC 2 years ago, I MOCKED the ex-P. For him, ridicule is NOT a source of NS. He perceived it as massive narcissistic injury. Over 4 years, I knew he couldn't bear being made fun of. He was paranoid about it. I also visualize the ex-P as a toddler... it helps that my sister happened to marry a young man whose name is the same as the ex-P's father, and I have a toddler nephew. Mentally, emotionally, the ex-P is a tenured toddler. He can't scare me, I don't have an adrenaline rush, if I imagine him in a crib with a sippy cup, or imagine him running between his parents in his diapers. I've used humor in my own mind;I've also used it on him.
Aug 3 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
Reddley
Reddley's picture

Hmm that's funny how it works

Hmm that's funny how it works with these guys. My exN loves to be the center of attention. He's very animated when he tells stories and has everyone in stitches. On and on with his shit stories... talking about how I'll be there changing his depends when he's old... I could go on, but I won't. His comedy act is best played under circumstances where he can leave when he choses to. He told me this himself... I am not quite sure why yet. Anyhow, the second someone makes fun of him... wow he's got a totally different attitude on humor. He takes huge offense to anyone insinuating that he has chicken legs and that he's gay. That's a total mood killer. I'll have to remember that when he's really pissing me off.
Aug 3 - 4PM (Reply to #9)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The Russian River

The ex-Psych prof couldn't stand the insinuations of him being gay... despite the fact he had a liaison with an out gay colleague, he'd ogle men instead of women when I was with him, he was virulently homophobic,he favored male students instead of females, and he was extremely effeminate. Eerily, my openly gay Narc former boss sounds JUST LIKE the ex-P. Oh, and the ex-P's favorite novel, "War and Peace",is chock full of more homoeroticism&cross-dressing than a Very Special GLEE episode. The ex-P couldn't stand seeing people laughing, especially when it was at him. I wasn't allowed to mock "War and Peace." He couldn't stand the idea of it being made into a musical. As for "War and Peace",here are some notable scenes- 1)When the Cossacks come to celebrate, Nicholas Rostov dresses up as an old woman, his sweetheart Sonya wears a fake mustache, and Natasha dresses up as a hussar. The ex-P loooved this scene. He'd talk about how he wanted me to put on a fake mustache. 2)Napoleon getting massaged&his chest hair brushed before the Battle of Borodino. It's RPS (Real Person Slash) looong before homoerotic fanfiction was penned about Lord of the Rings&Pirates of the Caribbean movie actors. 3)Ivanushka, a member of the Godsfolk, looks, acts, and dresses like a man. Again, the ex-P wanted me to be manly. The woman he married certainly was. Is it just me, or wouldn't "War and Peace" be FABULOUS for GLEE???? I can totally see Matthew Morrison as Andrei, Cory Monteith as Pierre, and Lea Michele as Natasha, with Chord Overstreet as Nicholas Rostov. WHAT WOULD NEIL PATRICK HARRIS DO?
Aug 3 - 7AM (Reply to #8)
Used
Used's picture

REDDLEY

HI, MY BELIEF ABOUT LEAVING WHEN HE CHOOSES IS 2 FOLD...HE LEAVES THEM LAUGHING AND 2 HE LEAVES THEM WANTING MORE...THEY KNOW TO LEAVE ON A HIGH...WITH EVERY ONE THINKING...WOW WHAT A GREAT PERSONALITY....THEY DONT OUTSTAY THEIR WELCOME...ONLY WITH THE WIVES/PARTNERS..THEY HAVE ALREADY DONE THAT WORK.
Aug 2 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Thanks Hunter. You are

Thanks Hunter. You are correct. It's going to take more time for me. Probably a LOT more time. lol. Yes, seeing xnh just absolutely frosted me right to the core, and I know that he was pushing my buttons deliberately (especially with the break room thing). It irks the snot out of me that xnh walks around breathing and taking up space like part of the human race, when I know fully that he is a lying, cheating sack of shit with no conscience. That rattlesnake I shot in my back yard last year has more empathy and remorse than xnh does. It seems to me that it should be made legal to tattoo an "A" for asshole right in the middle of xnh's forehead, so that everyone else can see him for his true self just like I do. However, it's apparently not a law. Sigh. I'm not sure 50 bucks would be enough to convince my boss. He let xnh live with him right after xnh divorced his first wife 18 years ago (of course everything was all HER fault - lol). Poor little xnh (not). Put it this way, in the entire 20 years that I've known my boss, I've seen him angry only 4 times. Two of those times were at xnh. This should tell xnh something about himself, but it obviously doesn't. My boss threw him out of his house because xnh borrowed a ton of money from him so that xnh could pay off his "ex-wife's" debts, and he let xnh live in his bedroom for free for almost a year. Xnh repaid my boss's kindness by going out one month and buying himself an all terrain vehicle instead of paying the money he owed to my boss. My boss threw him out, and xnh got to file bankruptcy. So to put it lightly, my boss is NOT xnh's biggest fan. rofl. Nope. I'm definitely NOT indifferent yet. :)

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.