Am I Crazy?

Hello everyone,
I have been reading all of your stories and feel finally feel like maybe there are some people who understand what I am going through. It has taken me awhile to get the courage to share my story because I just feel unbelievably shamed. I am not sure if my ex Mark is an N or not but this is my story and feedback would be greatly appreciated and I am sorry if it is more like a novel than post. I met mark while bartending, he was the door guy. Kind of romantic? We were together for about five years. We began seeing each other and things were great, he was incredibly handsome, funny, outgoing and I never wanted a man the way I wanted him. We had such great times and I in love and I fell hard, he moved in with me about six months later and I couldn't have been happier. Now I need to mention the red flags that I had missed, he had a "crazy" ex that would not leave him alone and another girl pregnant. He said the girl who was pregnant had been a fling and the break up was mutual. I believed him as his family seemed to support this story but now I feel terrible because I have an idea that this was not the case. So we were living together and I had never felt more at home in my life. Then suddenly things started to change, he was secretive with his daughter that he claimed he wanted me to get to know (which I later found he used to tell me he was going to be with his daughter when in fact he was out cheating) he quit his day job, begin isolating me from my friends by treating them horribly (especially guys) going through my things and being very irritable. Everything I did was wrong; he accused me of cheating and not loving him. Later I found he cheated with the crazy ex, I was heartbroken I kicked him out but I never moved on. We got back together after his endless promises of change and I was the one he wanted, basically everything I wanted to hear. From there it was a rollercoaster with incredible highs and lows. One day he would make me feel great then disappear, the ex was always hanging around his friends, he cheated more, lied, but he would never let me leave. He would beat me down and when I tried to leave, threaten suicide, beg and plead, show up at my house, break in and be waiting for me when I came home, scream in my face and destroy my property. But I stayed I thought he would see how much I loved him if I was willing to work everything out. I ended up pregnant while working and going to school. He broke up with me and said if I had the baby he would make my life hell. He harassed sent me messages about not being able to take care of the baby and if I didn't have it he would be there for me. I decided to have an abortion, I am not proud of it and it haunts me everyday. He promised to pick me up and take me home after the surgery. When I woke up he wasn’t there, he wasn’t coming, I took a cab home and he disappeared for a couple weeks. He came back with the same old promises and like an idiot I took he back, he cried about the baby and I needed to feel like it mattered to him so much I bought his sadness. From then on I was broken I tried to leave a few times only to come running back. He tried to move back in but something in my gut told me not to as much as I longed for him to be there. That caused problems. One minute he would tell me how much he loved me and looked up to all my accomplishments and that I made him a better person, that he was thankful I pushed him to be a better father, son, brother. Next minute I was a nag and didn't like him for who he is. All I wanted was for him to love me. I did things with him I never did with anyone else and not sure if I ever can again. I finally left, this lasted a few months, the longest I went, I tried to date but found no happiness in that, I couldn’t be physical with anyone and mark was always on my mind. I was at a concert with some friends and low and behold there was mark, we talked, he was shaking almost panicked. “Christina I am here with her (crazy ex), I want to be with you, leave with me I don’t care about I love you”. You can probably guess, I left with him. And we began seriously dating again. Things were better, we talked more, he tried, I tried I thought things were finally going to work. Eventually he started pushing me away and I panicked, I just broke it off with him, I didn’t want to I was just so afraid he was cheating again. For the next three months he begged and pleaded for me to come back. I didn’t, his ex started stalking me on twitter and coincidently a few days later my truck that I had worked my ass off for had slut keyed into the side of it. Mark denied, said he slept with her out of loneliness but she wasn’t going to get away with that. Right. I blocked his number and once again tried to move on, I bought a house and will be moving shortly, I received an e-mail from him asking me to call, I debated this for a few days and decided I needed closure, not knowing an N will never give. I also noticed via twitter this was the day after he spent “cuddly Saturday” with his new girl. Could he feel remorse and want to apologize to me, did he realize he loved only me? NO, I called and he just told me how much he liked this knew girl and how he never wants to hurt anyone like he hurt me and that is going to be good to her. That I can’t love because of what he has done to me and I can’t look at him the she does. She’s beautiful; they have a lot in common and have a good time together. He then informed me that he would be giving her the details of our conversation as he doesn’t want to lie to her. That he is afraid she will hurt him because she is a good person and he doesn’t deserve anything good. I hung up devisted, in tears and left work. Later that night I text him (unblocked his#) that I am a good person and I am something good and what he did was cruel. He starts blowing up my phone, when I answer he is sweet and nice, worried about me, are you drinking do you need a ride he asks. I want to be your friend. I tell him I don’t need a friend and he again starts telling how great she is, I tell him I loved him and will she love him when he cheats on her and he drops the bomb and this is why I am not with you. End of conversation. We have not spoken but know I am going crazy! Was it me; was I just not good to him? Can this girl really be that great? I obsess about it daily; it’s affecting my job, work, friendships, and family. I feel like I am losing control. How could he fall in love so fast? All this crazy things go through my head, I’m in counseling but when I am alone I fall apart, I am in danger of losing my job and new house but I can’t pull it together. I miss him terrible and I miss his daughter very much.Why would he do that to me? Did he really have to bury me to become a better man and give this girl everything I dreamed of?