ANGER

Remember when I told you guys that I wasn't sure I would ever hit the "angry" stage?

Yeah, I'm there.

I got a phone call from one of the 7 OW yesterday. I do talk to her from time to time, an have found her to be very supportive and good for my recovery. We're not hang-out-on-a-Saturday-night friends, but we of course share this awful connection. Anyway, her pap test came back + for HPV. This is the virus that causes abnormal cervical cells and can lead to cervical cancer. Now, let me be clear: I understand more than most about HPV and it's implications. I'm a Women's Health NP, and have been in private practice for almost 10 years. I give my patients the "Try not to worry about HPV" speech on a daily basis. And, while an abnormal pap or cervical surgery in the future could render me unable to bear any more children (b/c I delivered at 26wks w my daughter, and cervical trauma could cause cervical incompetence, and I would be at aMUCH higher risk than average for another premature delivery, sick baby, etc.) I am not terribly upset about the HPV itself, because I understand that 80% of women have been exposed at some point in their lifetime.

Reliving the level of betrayal is the part that guts me. He was with SEVEN women at the same time. All of us were told we were the only one. He loved me, there was no one else, I was his everything. I was like turning on a light in a dark room. But still, he had sex with 7 of us at the same time. He lied. He cheated. He took so much away from me. The betrayal is the worst part. The heartbreak all over again.

I had just started to pull out of it. I am 3+months NC. I have stopped counting the days. I don't think of him wistfully anymore. I even went out on a date a few times with a lovely kind man, who I think would want to be my boyfriend except I'm NOT ready for that. It has been nice to spend time w someone again. To go to a movie or dinner. To be treated respectfully. I had finally turned the corner. I was rediscovering my confidence and self esteem.

Until this.

I am gutted by betrayal again. How COULD he?? He knew. The whole time, he knew. And I am so angry I can't see straight. So of course, because I'm that sensitive soul, I cry. I cry out of anger. Big hot slow angry tears of a woman that gave everything to a man who disrespected, lies, abused, cheated... I am so so angry.

I need some support, my friends. My cyber virtual warriors. I can't stand up alone. The anger and the hurt and betrayal are suffocating.

Even in NC, I can't make him go away. I just want to be FREE. I just want him to be gone. Like in The Wizard Of Oz: BE GONE, YOU HAVE NO POWER HERE! Go away. Leave me alone. Take your HPV and your lies and your dirty soul and BE GONE.

I am so angry. Finally.