Anyone else feel a void??

what you are feeling is totally natural and common. The narcs took our heart and soul and totally raped us! Doesn't matter if you had four kids or no kids, a rape is a rape and the heartache is still felt. Other people would not understand but you go ahead and vent and do what you need to heal. Healing is key and there will be some days, hours, or minutes where you are all bright and smiles and others where you just want to go kick her shins and tell her what a horrible person she was. I have those too, it's natural :-) Like you, when i have good moments, I am out living and enjoying life with my friends and family as I am sure you are too! When I have the bad moments, I come here and vent or read so that I don't contact that evil soul sucking narc. If KG needs to vent to relieve her issues, then go get it sister! We are here for you and you need to do what allows you to heal and stay NC :-) Love to all!

i totaly get where you are coming from....when you are grieving no amount of anything takes the pain away..when i dropped narc i had this vision that everything would now be rosy....not so he was in my head day in day out...it is not that we forget what we have got, we just grieve what we have not... xxxxxxx

I can see and feel your heart and you are right, when we put the focus on ourselves and what we DO have as opposed to what we don't have, it makes our recovery more about putting the focus on ourselves and what we can do to change us so we NEVER let these PD's harm our precious lives again. They take so much and for awhile it feels like we will never be right again and in time and with the support of the board and the people who truly do love, honor, and respect us: we will recovery; stronger, wiser, and with more to give to ourselves and those worthy of our love and affections. God bless, Goldie

Everyone understands what you were trying to say. Please don't leave. I think Deidre summed it up perfectly: "But surely we all have blessings to count. I think KG and the rest of us, do feel grateful for the blessings we have in our lives. But, sometimes when we walk down a path into something maybe we shouldn't have...it still requires healing." We still need to talk about it and work through our feelings. However, as you pointed out and Goldie did an excellent job of validating, Perspective is so important to our healing. It doesn't mean we don't need to talk about things, but it is a helpful reminder to appreciate the blessings we have in life. Perspective is incredibly helpful in recovery and I know that's all you were trying to say. Here's a blog I wrote on the very topic. Please stay as we all know you were only trying to help by putting things in perspective for KG. http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/02/21/perspective-everything

The narc just is not that important when you look at what can happens in good people's lives everyday. Their petty whims seem pale in comparison. This board has always been about honest sharing, and recovery as we struggle with the day to day hurdles and results of being with and recovering from a PD. We have a common goal and our strength lies in identification each other and the similarities of experiences, shared knowledge in understanding these disroders, and encouragement in each others progress. Comparing with each other and passing judgement is ALWAYS a formular for disaster and should be avoided when giving feedback. A safe atmoshere for getting it out and recovery are our goals. There may be differences of opinion and we want to be mindful that whether or not the poster comes form YALE or JAIL we make no distinctions because the RESULTS of a relationship with a PD are the same for all of us and this is the focus, to help each other to get through and over to the other side where we have ourselves back and feel safe again and maintain freedom from the bondage of a relationship with a PD. A PD makes no distinction, he will target the wealthy, the fortunate, the poor, the less fortunate, the beautiful, the average, the madonna, the whore, the drug addicted, the sober, the heavy set, the thin, the young, the older, the educated, the uneducated, the tall, the short, the good, the bad. If you have something they want, need, or are deemed good supply, you will be targeted. They may have one of each. One for their cash needs and one for their sexual needs. One to use as arm candy, and one to keep a secret in the house for sexual and physical abuse. One who loves God, one whe does not know God, the list goes on and on. Bottom line: all these people are being USED as supply by the PD to fit THEIR NEEDS. We must NEVER make distinctions here and assume that anyone's pain SHOULD be greater or lesser than ours because of their life experiences or financial and emotional status. We are all the SAME we all have been damaged and destroyed by a PD and we all feel devistated by what we have just gone through and are currently going through. What we ask is to remain ever mindful of this when giving feedback, we have just been through hell and back and are vulnerable and sensitve right now. A moderators job is to moderate, not to cure, solve, play God, play parent, or expert. This is YOUR board and it is a board with freedom. We place very few restriction on freedom of speech. All we ask is that you are respectful of each other's differences and if a post triggers you or you find it offensive, please contact a moderator in a PM and we will sensor if necessary, however, we don't want this board to be about that we want everyone to feel comfortable and safe in posting their thoughts and feelings. I see no problem here in this thread. A member gave some honest heartfelt advice and the other member responded with an honest explanation of what they felt; their truth. I don't ever ever want to see anyone leave because of a small misunderstanding, because this is about supporting one another and having the right to voice an opinion reflective of their own truth. God bless, Goldie

But surely we all have blessings to count. I think KG and the rest of us, do feel grateful for the blessings we have in our lives. But, sometimes when we walk down a path into something maybe we shouldn't have...it still requires healing. Sometimes, having a relationship with a narcissist is what many of us ''needed'' to get us to see the real problems within our hearts. I know that is the case for me. Falling for a narc is not the issue. Staying with an abusive narc when you know you should leave, is the issue. And finding out why we do that...is what we need to get to the heart of. Whether it's right or wrong how we stumbled into the narc's life, we have to figure out how to heal, and not to return to the same place again.

First, I apologize if my posting offended you; however, the same way you feel you have a right to your opinion, so do I. That being said, quite possible from time to time members will have different points of view, the point is whether or not we respect them. I clearly stated I respected your opinion and identified with it. I even admitted early in my recovery not being aware of subtle ways we engage in invalidation. It is virtually the fiber society is made of these days, nonetheless as members who have been abused and invalidated, this is not a trigger but an awareness when such activity is taking place. You started your post with: Forgive me I know that this is going to sound really harsh Im just going to be really honest here That right there to me was offensive...not just to me, but to any member as if something is harsh then why say it...BUT the flip side is if it is how you are expressing yourself - perhaps I should hold no opinion either as it is how you are processing and sharing. So for that, I do apologize but it just felt to me reading it, like activity that those who haven't experienced what we've experienced would say which is why I assumed you had more time under your belt. I still feel very strongly about comparing someone's pain to another's...and I stand by that, nonetheless, there are hundreds of members on this forum and if I'm not your cup of tea, then most certainly, I can respect boundaries, I don't think you need to cut off your nose to spite your face if you felt you were getting something out of the forum. I am one member against hundreds and I am pretty confident you can still gain and give alot to the experience. I hope you will re-consider your decision; however, if you feel this is something you cannot get past then I respect that decision as well. Again I apologize for offending you and you are correct perhaps private message may have been more appropriate. In terms of posting your story, the instructions are in the Share Your Story section and if you are still unclear I or any of the other forum moderators will be happy to guide you through it. I hope you will reconsider but more importantly I hope that you continue to heal with the health conditions you are experiencing as well. Hugs!

I respect your point of view and perhaps having more time into healing, your insight once well enough removed from the Narc crisis is how most would respond; however, for some the trauma runs a bit deeper and comparing others pain in a sense invalidates the victim. In the early stages of my recovery, I tried to make myself feel better by telling myself - it could be worse, this could be the reality or that could be the reality, but feelings are feelings and none of them should be discounted. It is counterindactive to healing. We find those sentiments in the outside world which is why many turn here for comfort as they try to make sense of what has just happened to them and why the feel they're going crazy. While perspective is key - the best way to heal is to get it out. I don't support nor am I encouraging "lingering" in victim mode, but in following the steps we go up and down back and forth have good days and bad days and while what Hunter went though yesterday and the news of her friend's tradgedy was heartbreaking, I'm not so sure there is a comparison to be made as pain is pain and even when the reality is we have much to be thankful for...grief is grief... If we were mourning a death, we wouldn't necessarily say: Well, look at the bright side, I'm not dead - no, we mourn and we go through the stages...and I think that is more what KG is going through. I felt the need to bring this up, as I believe you are well intentioned and did not mean harm at all; however, we do strive to make this a place where people feel comfortable to get it out without feeling there is a semblance of judgement, or that we're looking at things the wrong way...we have to get it out - the good the bad, the ugly, the pity and sometimes even the repitition of the same story because that is the tape that keeps replaying until the CD lifts...eventually the fog lifts...we need the freedom to lick our wounds and not shove the crap under the rug. Each case is different in terms of how long it takes to do that. Hugs...

Wow...that is exactly right, DS!! Well said. And that is what I grew up with...always someone making me feel bad. Verbal abuse. Constant chaos and yelling. I 'found' it again in the recent narc...and now that the noise is gone, and I am happy to be free from an abusive man...it's easy to feel like a fish outta water. But, I have to rewrite the new normal. It was dictated to me throughout my life, and that was not normal whatsoever. To look at someone abusing us as normal. My gosh. That's when you know, something's gotta change.