BadaBing - the importance of honesty

11 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 14 - 3PM

ally2375

BadaBing - the importance of honesty

Over the past few days, BB has posted a great deal about the latest chapter in her life. She's detailed the events with heartbreaking honesty, despite full knowledge of the candid reaction she was likely to get from fellow members of the board. I am amazed at her ability to listen and consider what others have said without becoming more defensive. That takes grace and humility. I give her a lot of credit for it.

I must passionately disagree that her latest post (which seems to have been removed) belongs in a PM or a journal. In my mind, it belonged right here. It was one of the most straightforward accounts of what it feels like to be in an abusive relationship that I have ever read. Her words are laced with confusion, doubt and emotional turmoil. I don't read that as her trying to get anyone to endorse or debate her decisions; she is simply giving her account from the throes of the struggle.

I'm not trying to debate what should or shouldn't be on this forum. It's not my forum, so I will defer to the moderators and respect their decisions to remove or edit posts as they see fit. But I hope those who have felt "triggered" by this story consider that the reason may be how raw and honest BB has been with us. It breaks my heart, but as much as we might all want to yank her off the ride, it is not our place to do so. This is a decision she must make for herself, as it was for us all. God bless my brother for what I put him through when I was where she is.

I am as concerned about BB as all of you, believe me. I understand the reaction to her recent round of posts. But, imagine what it must feel like to stand in her shoes today. Remember how it felt to feel alone, criticized, and confused. Our being here to listen and offer perspective as she works through this does not imply that we agree with her decision. It simply means that those of us who are farther down the path are in the position to remind her of what she already knows. And she knows something isn't right.

BB, your honesty is part of what makes you so beloved on this board. So many of us can relate to you and so many of us care about you. If you are being as honest with yourself as you are with us, you know how serious this situation is. Please try to see it for what it is, rather that what you wish it were.

#2 Sep 14 - 4PM

Recovering Suzie

The important this is

That regardless of how they were affected by the post, everyone here is pulling for you BB. Suzie

#3 Sep 14 - 4PM

Lisa87

Hope all is okay with Bada

Not sure what the post said that was removed but perhaps after 99 postings the moderators decided to yank it??? It was being beaten to death and everyone was reaching out to her only to help her see the picture more clearly. Nothing more can be said so perhaps they suggested journal or PM or a new post because the original post was very very long. Thats my guess.

#4 Sep 14 - 4PM (Reply to #9)

Sunafterrain

Lisa

No one can make her see anything but herself. What got you out of your mess? This site is very helpful in helping others make their OWN choices by reading and interacting with others about their experiences. Ultimately though, IT IS OUR OWN CHOICE what we do. We can't make BB do ANYTHING. Hopefully, BB will pull herself together and go NC again. But if not, that's HER decision. But no one here is going to agree with it if they are trying to get healthy again. It doesn't mean we don't care, it means we do. You don't give an alcoholic permission to drink. If they choose to do that, then you distance until they choose not too. Being involved with a disordered one, doesn't just mean that that toxin lies within he and his target, it also spreads like a disease to everyone else.

#5 Sep 14 - 3PM

MandyM

I seem to have missed Bada's

I seem to have missed Bada's latest post, but I've been following what's been going on, and my take on the situation is this: if we can't be completely honest with those on this board about what we're thinking and feeling and doing in regards to our relationships with the narcissists we've encountered, who CAN we be honest with? Many of us are here because we can't be honest with anyone else - our family and friends judge us, criticize us, give pat remarks about our struggles and move on to the next topic, usually because they're tired of hearing us talk or they don't know what to say. I, for one, felt very, very alone in what I was trying to deal with until I found my way here. There are ways of disagreeing with someone and what they're doing without judging or criticizing. There are ways of hearing someone without making them feel badly they shared. We're all here because we need to be heard, and we need to share, and we learn from one another. From what I read of Bada's long news-breaking post and all the responses to it, that was what was going on. I see nothing wrong with that. Again, I haven't seen the post that's been removed, so I can't comment on whether or not it was appropriate. But I do know that if I begin feeling like I can't share with the board what's going on with me because readers feel I shouldn't be talking about what's on my mind regarding my ex, whatever that may be, I won't be here anymore.

#6 Sep 14 - 4PM (Reply to #7)

ally2375

Mandy

It's nice to speak to you again. :) I think part of being a moderator is that they have judgement calls they must make every day. It must be really difficult to be in that situation, balancing everyone's needs so this is a safe and comfortable environment for all. I don't think there's anything to worry about as far as not being able to speak your mind here. I wasn't trying to set of any alarms, only to express that we can still support one another even when we vehemently disagree with their decisions.

#7 Sep 14 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

Sunafterrain

Mandy

There is a difference between honesty of those posting about their experiences rather than in the throes of oxytocin overdose. There is much honesty here with regards to what posters experienced in their relationships, everything from OW's to what exactly he did to them, even sexual experiences. There are those here who are NOT NC yet, but are trying to find a way out. This was ENTIRELY different. BB knows how dangerous this man is and didn't bother fighting the NC AT ALL. The other post she wrote is still up, but the other was completely inappropriate and properly removed. Overall, I've not seen any posts removed because someone was ruminating endlessly about their ex's, OW's or their experiences. Everyone has been able to vent vent vent and that's a GOOD thing! That's what we WANT you to do! Because that's what helps you GET your experience and about the disordered one's. But literally diving into the pool when you know it's empty is not only dangerous for her, but for others here who are trying to heal and still working through their addictions. A good analogy would be if this were an AA site. "Yep, I'm drunk right now. I didn't say no at all, Joe passed me the booze and I drank right up, now I feel GREAT!" Same thing with pathologicals and NC. I realize we all feel for BB, but when you're stoned out on your addiction, you're not thinking straight and that influences others who are trying so hard, SO HARD to be honest and HEAL.

#8 Sep 14 - 4PM (Reply to #6)

MandyM

I guess I see it differently,

I guess I see it differently, in that this is an example of how hard it is to break the addiction, and something else to show how bad it can be. I haven't seen a single person here condone what Bada has done. If that were the case, such as on other sites in which people in the throes of disorders encourage each other and trade tips on how to beat the system, so to speak, then yes, it would be inappropriate, but that doesn't happen here. I've been fortunate - I haven't spoken with my ex since I cut him off for good. But if he were to contact me, as much as I'd like to think I could be strong enough to resist, I don't know if I could. Does reading about Bada's experiences influence me to reach out to him? Absolutely not. If anything, she makes me see MY situation more clearly. There but for the grace of God. We can't make her decisions for her, but we can certainly point out to here exactly what's going on in her head when we read what she posts, especially given the fact that she can't see it herself. What she does with what we say is up to her. But how many people here have slipped and gone back? She's no different. The only difference is that she's actually owning up to it. I guess I feel like telling her she shouldn't talk to us while in the midst of what she's doing is kind of like saying we don't want to acknowledge this part of recovery. Again - this is just my own opinion.

#9 Sep 14 - 3PM

Sunafterrain

Ally

Your post is rather poignant in BB's defense of her "honesty". I see sharing a lot on this board about how our disordered one's hoover and how we FIGHT to stay away from it. But BB didn't bother fighting it, even while this man is obviously a dangerous nutcase. Staying NC means just that. YES, there will be times we go back. NEVER On this board, have I seen anyone describe in detail the romanticizing oxytocin driven drivel disguised as honesty on this board and while stating that it's not ok to do this, doing it MORE. Most who break their NC, do not give it all to us in dreadful detail. When we see a car wreck, do we really need all the blood and gore, or do we just need to know how it happened and how we're going to heal from it? Most who blow it with their NC come back here and say they BLEW IT, then give some details, but not like that, as if this is acceptable. It's not Ally and I believe this is why the moderators removed it as they SHOULD have. Many here are early out NC and are still struggling with the cog/dis of good guy/bad guy. There was someone here who posted to me about what she felt about having read BB"s post. She had, for a minute or two, the feeling of, "Wow she's so lucky..." NUH UH! She is NOT lucky, she is in need of help and her ex is a sick psychopath who was successful with a lure, given to us in sickening detail. This is why it should be journaled or PM'd to others, NOT posted on the board where it would give any newbie the idea that through this romanticizing, out of novel BS about an abuser is the way to go. Just try it again....NO WAY and as a healthy person or at least TRYING to be, I wasn't going to be okay with that, nor should anyone else who is healthy either. That's like giving permission for someone to deliberately destroy themselves, while the rest of us watch. I"m all for doing what you need to do and if you need to go back for more of a disordered's ass kicking then please do so, but we all know what the outcome is, and at that point, I HOPE to see this person come back with a new outlook about NC and the desire to keep it at all costs.

#10 Sep 14 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

ally2375

Sunafterrain

Healing from these relationships is a process, and not an easy one. The only point I was trying to make is that verbally flogging this girl will do nothing to help her. Trying to strong arm someone into making any decision will only make her defensive and shut down communication. That's what I felt was starting to happen and I would hate to lose her from this board. I respect your opinion, though I don't agree with it. But, I didn't view her post as romanticizing anything. If she was perceived as "lucky" by anyone, we should indeed clear up the confusion - she is not among the lucky at this moment. But I have no interest in debating the issue further than that and I doubt you do either. We can agree to disagree. One thing I DO want to clarify, however, pertains to NC. You will find no bigger proponent of NC on this board than I. I have been around a long time, though I rarely post. NC was my saving grace and I take my commitment to it very seriously. I do not endorse breaking NC with an abuser. Ever. I have read many of your posts. I don't know your story, but I will say that you sound strong and level-headed, and I have thought many times that your advice is spot on. I wish you the very best.

#11 Sep 14 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

Sunafterrain

Ally

If you perceived anyone as flogging her, I apologize for that. No one wants to flog anyone here. I think that there are lines that need to be drawn and I agree with the moderators on this one. we will agree to disagree. Thank you and I wish you the best too!

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