BadaBing's Story

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#1 May 26 - 1PM

BadaBing

BadaBing's Story

New & Here's part of My story He Cheated I saw it with my own 2 eyes!!!

I have been reading this blog for the past few months and recently decided to join because I really need help and support right now. I am in the process of moving out of the house I share with my boyfriend of 3 years that I am pretty sure is a narcissist. This has been so painful and hard to break away but I really know this is the right thing for me, but it is still breaking my heart.

I came home early from work in the middle of the day (our office lost power due to car accident and they sent us all home for the day). I found my bfriend on the sofa with another woman having sex and I lost my freaking mind!!!! I tipped over the lamp next to the sofa and started throwing things around the room. I just went crazy and lost my shit on him. I yelled and started crying and continued to throw whatever I could get my hands on as he hopped around on one leg trying to put his pants on. I screamed at his whore she had 3 seconds to get her skank ass out of my home. My boyfriend tried to tell me that she gave in to her advances and was trying to get me to listen but I packed a bag and slapped him a few times and left and stayed at my sisters house since then.

I have already decided to break up with him and move but he is making it really, really hard for me. He actually said he was tempted to cheat because I was not willing to have anal sex with him and that is something he really likes. I told him he was with the wrong girl and I thought he loved me!? how could he do this to me after I have been so good to him!???

He said the this other girl doesn't mean anything to him but she MUST MEAN SOMETHING because she was worth hurting me and our relationship. He has sent me flowers and begged me to come back to him promising that he won't do this again. But he admitted to me that he had previously cheated on his previous girlfriend and now I wonder how long or how many other women he may of been with!? ??? it hurts so much to have to wonder.

All of my friend tell me it is the right thing to do - to leave him now and for good. I found this blog after reasearching some of his behaviors. He is always raising the bar on me with his expectations and always turning issues around like it's all my fault when we fight. He says I make him do alot of things because I said something or because I didn't do something -- all of it makes me crazy.

I know I am going to need support. He keep dropping by my office with gifts and flowers and cards on my car. I told him to stop coming to my work (since my sisters bfriend won't allow him in their home he knows he can't reach me anywhere now).

I told him the next step is moving my things and he said that he won't help me do that.

I can't prove he hasn't lied to me before but I have a feeling that this is'nt the 1st person he has been with in 3 years. Now that I think back there have been plenty of strange things that would actually make more sense if I look at from the point of view that he was cheating on me.

I am still so angry and hurt!!! I know what to do, it's just he is not making this easy on me!! HE HAS BROKEN MY HEART and treated our relationship with disrepect and broken all my trust in him! I can't even imagine if he is had unprotected sex or what makes him able to do this to me.

If he doesn't love me now and cant' treat me right now - they why bother continuing anymore with him in my life!?

So far, here are my reasons why I think he is a narcissist:

High sense of self confidence and sensitive to any critism
He has all these elaborate plans for his future but is not doing anything to make it happen (ie. education)
At times gawks at women in public places and then denies it and says 'stop being jealous' - (i think he does this on purpose to me)

Tells me I am perfect for him but also resents that i make more money than he does and I drive a better car. He often asks to use my car to go out with friends and I never thought of him being with another girl but now ....

He is critical of my wardrobe, and will tell me my shirt is too low or request I wear something 'slutty' when we go out then will berate me after the evening ends that I was flirting.

He seems to like to start fights, then make up but have forceful sex with me.

He will grab my arm and tell me that "I will be sorry" if I bring up a topic of conversation again -such as debt or paying bills on time ' that he is a man now and doesn't need me to remind him of anything. excuse me!

There is a lot more to add but I am just learning more about this.

My heart is breaking and I am in so much pain, still not sleeping through the night yet. Everything is different for me right now. I am miserable but I know the answer is not going back to him, and not taking him back no matter how good he makes himself seem. He never loved me or appreciated me. I saw myself marrying this man. I can't believe I was so wrong!

:(.......

anyway not sure how this all works here yet, but this all I had time to get out today. (thanks for your advice, if any)

#2 May 27 - 3PM

michele115 (not verified)

Welcome!

Big Hug to you...I know you're hurting, but he sounds like a narc...not every man that cheats is a narc, but the things you've mentioned, yea...bar none. Through this process you will have ups and downs...this hurts that's the bottom line, to learn that everything you believed in was an illusion...you will go through stages and fluctuate between sadness and rage...those are pretty much the two main emotions and they take time to heal. As you process more things may come to the surface and it might throw you for a loop. You may feel that your reactions are more extreme then they've been in other break-ups...that's because this guy has done a job on your psyche. It's not just about the cheating, it's all the other stuff if you haven't already you will have an AHA! Moment and that's when it gets really wild. Stick to the board, we've all been there...I am really happy you threw things around at least you got some of that anger out...and don't feel shame honey, be proud because he deserved it. NOW, I've read some of your other posts...I can't get into every detail right now but I want to explain to you that just because he's hoovering doesn't mean he loves you, nor does it mean he doesn't have two or three other girls on the side. What it means is he gets "high" off the chase and the challenge. He will continue to play you and make you miserable if you go back. He will say everything you've ever wanted to hear, they are manipulators and can lie their ass off so do not budge, not now , not ever - he won't learn a lesson, he's disordered and there is not cure for what he has at this moment in time. I am very sorry you are going through this, but as you can see, this is a very supportive, empowering safe haven and I believe you will gain alot by sharing as well as contributing as the key thing is to get it out and heal. Those who have not been in this type of relationship rarely understand. Just remember, he cannot attach and he can't love, nothing he says has an ounce of truth to it. The sad puppy look, that "suffering" look, it's bullshit - it's a ploy to pull at your sympathy strings. NC is the way to go. Hugs!

#3 May 27 - 3PM (Reply to #21)

BadaBing

thank u michele

I am just wrapping my head around the bigger idea of NPD and I plan on doing some reading over the next few months to prepare. I have felt from the start of this that he would make it hard on me. The best choice I made was to leave the house and go to my sisters. She has been so patient and kind to me and allowed me space to deal with what I saw. I am so angry at him still and I can't get the image out of my head. I have not allowed myself to ask questions such as 'who is she' and how did they come to meet on our sofa in the middle of the day? how many times has he cheated on me? he seems to live 2 lives and I don't know this other man. He also says often that I don't appreciate the fact that he loves me, as if his love is special or that it is some kind of prize that he loves me. I felt we actually had a good relationship up until this happened so I have had to let go of my illusions over these last two months. But I was happy with him and I thought he was happy with me. The girl on the sofa totally shattered everything I thought was real. I am coping ok anyway. I am avoiding him. I don't want to see him or have to face him because I feel weak. I know what I need to do now, I wish I could steer clear of him somehow but it seems inevitable that I will have to face him at some point. I plan on having back up support with me at all times when I do go back to the house. I don't know what is to come but I do know it's the right choice for me, although it hurts like hell. I am so thankful to everyone for their comments and support. thanks michele!

#4 May 26 - 8PM

beamoflight

OMG

What can I say? ((hugs)) I'm so sorry for your position.

#5 May 26 - 2PM

Lisa87

He's sorry he got caught,

He's sorry he got caught, mine did the same thing, cards txts..........and the sad thing is I didn't know he was a narc and i took him back. As you can see, I'm here now and after 3 tries I am no contact and have blocked him for good. Most Narcs have sexual addiction (among other things) and if he said he cheated because of anal sex, OMG, he is a loser and there is no excuse for the betrayal. It will continue if you buy into his promises and pity, don't do it, stay no contact, get your things and move on. You have us here for support, we have all been there...........its a long sucky road.

#6 May 27 - 7AM (Reply to #18)

BadaBing

I can't wrap my mind around his excuse

I just can't accept his excuse. I can't accept he did it in our home. I hate that I had to see them. I can't wipe my brain clean from the image it haunts me. I can't imagine him EVER touching me again. It makes me so sad but this is the wrong man for me and I have to do the hard job of packing and leaving while he begs me to stay. Trying to convince me it's worth fixing this, when I can't even see his face! you are all so nice and I don't know what I would right now without all your advice thank you!!!!

#7 May 26 - 8PM (Reply to #17)

findingmeagain

i think mines likes 3 somes

i think mines likes 3 somes he would always mention them and i think he did some with his OW. who happens to be married.

#8 May 26 - 3PM (Reply to #16)

BadaBing

why am I in knots?

You are very right that he is sorry he got caught. He can't stand to be wrong or be caught doing wrong. He is on his best behavior right now but I could never do this sort of thing and expect not to be punished either with silent treatment or forever holding this over my head until I earned back his respect. He comes across like he is so wounded that I "won't come home" and that I can't see "how much I am hurting him by refusing to forgive him" He even said " I didn't even complete the act" oh, so that technicality should be considered or something? He said he was tempted to cheat because she liked anal and knew he could get it from her and 'he is a man with needs' and 'sometimes we men think with the wrong head' but of course he really loves me and I shouldn't let this ruin everything good we have. See how he just turned it around "you shouldn't ruin our relationship by not forgiving me" So I am ruining it? you are so right, this is a SUCKY Road!! it is killing me lately but I do know what I need to do. I can't be fooled by his sweet and charming smile anymore. I appreciate you reaching out to me today! this makes me feel better to know others understand Lisa.

#9 May 26 - 2PM

fear for my sanity

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain

Well done for resisting all his attempts to draw you back. In time you will see that you have had a lucky escape. Imagine being married to him and having his children! You can never have any doubts of the kind of person he is because you have seen it with your own two eyes and now your eyes have also been opened to all the other things about him that were bothering you for a lot longer. The pain seems almost unbearable to start with but it will get easier with time and distance from him. Just remember, you are worthy of love and respect and he is the one who is not worthy of your love. Sensitivity to criticism, grand ideas but lack of any effort to achieve them, resentment of anybody who has more in material terms than he has - these are all quite typical traits which my N friend also had in abundance. I didn't have a sexual relationship with my N so I can't personally comment on that but if you read many of the stories on this site, you will see that the scenarios you describe are very typical of N behaviour. Take all the support you can get here and know that we all understand your pain and will understand your feelings of anger and loss. Have you got the support of friends and/or family? Do you think you might benefit from counselling? Do whatever it takes to look after yourself. Don't fall for any of Ns ploys to get your sympathy, even if he grovels and cries like a baby. His feelings and tears will only be of self-pity, he won't be considering your pain at all, but everyone here feels for you because we have been in the depths of despair too. Take one day at a time and be good to yourself. Take care.

#10 May 26 - 2PM (Reply to #10)

BadaBing

thnxs so much

Thank u for your kind words today. I think because I actually saw them together I was traumatized by this act! He was on top of her on his knees and she was on her back on the sofa with her legs around his neck. OMG I will never get that out of my head. I told him that I can't even look at his face without out seeing that image in my mind over and again. He acts like I will get over it in time because his loving me should "mean something or be worth more". He actually said that! If he had any real love for me I think that would of stopped him. Still unclear how he met this girl. Parents are out of the country. I have my sister and some great friends. Just need to start looking for a new place to live. He actually called me and asked for 1/2 the power bill - yet I have been there!! what nerve. Any excuse he can use he will initial contact. So I have yet to really maintain NC because there is too much to work out right now (getting back with him is not on the list). I am not looking into counseling yet but I will keep that option open. I am reading so much on this site and I can't believe all of the women that have so much of the same issues and problems with these jerks that claim to love us. thank u so much for your reply to my post. I am going to post his emails here tomorrow because I see there is narc speak and I need some feedback on his emails. Why do I doubt my self? I feel so strongly this is the right thing to do yet I doubt my choices at times. anyway just taking things as they come. i appreciate your thoughtful reply fearformysanity!!

#11 May 27 - 9AM (Reply to #11)

spinning

BB, sweetheart, you

doubt yourself because you have three years of conditioning wherein you unwittingly lost the ability to trust your own instincts. This is typical when you are involved with a personality disordered person. Black is white and white is black in their world. Look how he's trying to pin his infidelity on YOU? How much sense does that make??? I'm going to borrow a line from Hunter. It does not make sense because it's SCRAMBLED EGGS. The things they do (like him asking you for 1/2 of the utility bill) are upside down. It's best to forget trying to even make sense of it and FOCUS ON YOU AND WHAT YOU NEED TO FEEL BETTER AND MOVE ON. I would highly recommend NC, even if you believe there are things to work out regarding your moving out. You can instruct him to mail anything pertinent to you (I WOULD NOT GIVE HIM A DIME), and you hopefully can get some friends or family to help you move without communicating with him. Also, please try not to read his e-mails. They will add to the fog. The fog lifts and clarity comes with NC. It doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen. Believe me. I'm almost seven months out and I used to feel like you do now. Like my heart was ripped out of my chest. Now I see that the disordered one I was involved with DID ME A HUGE FAVOR!!! I would not return to those six years of HELL if he were the last man on earth (and I use the term 'man' loosely.) BB, braveheart. Hang in there. Focus on you. Trust your instincts...the faint voice inside which tells you you cannot stay in this. That voice will get stronger and you will feel so much better. Love and hugs to you and good vibes for strength and peace of mind. Believe me, it does get better. Most sincerely, (not) spinning (I refuse to any more. The sick MF'er tried, but HE DIDN'T TAKE ME DOWN)!!!

spinning

#12 May 27 - 9AM (Reply to #12)

BadaBing

thank u

I am swinging in and out of emotions lately. Thank you for your wise advice! I planned to officially break up when I found my new apartment because I felt it would help things if I had a place to move (quickly) once I drop that bomb. I really believe he thinks he can win me back but it's just not possible for me to let this go and move forward with this man no matter how much I think I love him. Reading a bit on Narcissism I realized how many traits he has! my eyes are opening big time now! it's ALOT to handle! I am so happy I found this blog, such great advice here!!! I don't know why I am reading the emails because they all are the same and only make me feel sad. I will have to cut it all off and I plan on doing it. I admit that it makes me feel better to hear him apologize but maybe this is an act and there is more going on with in (psych) that I even realized. Wish me luck with finding a new place this weekend. As soon as I find it, I am breaking up with him and arranging to move my things. I have stayed with my sister long enough and I appreciate the time she gave me to think this out but I am ready to move on and find my own place. thanks spinning!!

#13 May 27 - 9AM (Reply to #13)

mynewlife2011

He will turn this around,

He will turn this around, flip this whole scenario, and make himself look like the victim- to you and to others. They are Psychopaths..To you he will make you feel guilt for not satisfying him (hence his cheating was a mere reaction to your actions), and to others he will play victim (she never loved me, she left me, etc.) They are all pathetic, and that feeling of sadness you feel in the pit of your stomach everytime you read one of his lying pathetic emails should come from witnessing this shell of a man, with no moral fiber and no conscience. Now that is something to legitimately feel sad about. I hear him working you over- do you want to end up like me 13 years married to narc with 3 kids and this cheating episode repeating, and repeating, and repeating? Any man who makes YOU one of MANY isn't worth it. If he does it once, he WILL do it again. That is not love hun, in fact, it is the highest form of disrespect to a woman there is. Leave, NC NC NC GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

#14 May 27 - 9AM (Reply to #14)

BadaBing

thank u

I am looking for a place to live this weekend and then the REAL FUN begins!:) I am noticing more and more the manipulation tactics in his words and how focused he is on himself. He absolutely doesn't get it and I don't need to bother, I just need to get this done and move forward. I have thought this through and I know I need to break it off. I am just planning it out in phases right now. thanks again!

#15 May 26 - 2PM

Hunter

Badabing

Like the name, You did the right thing! Stay away from him he's a loser idiot, you dont need to live with a pig! Stay close to us and learn to live strong! Hunter

#16 May 26 - 1PM

wacaet

go and stay gone he cheated

go and stay gone he cheated because you won't have anal sex? WTF? typical N NC is the only way to go, don't give him a chance to sweet talk you

#17 May 26 - 2PM (Reply to #3)

BadaBing

hi

thanks, I have been staying with my sister last 2 months. But I have to decide to do something because I don't want to burden her any longer than I have to. He said he was 'tempted' to cheat with this slut because she would give him anal and I don;t like it at all but he never pressured me to do it, but apparently it's something he felt worth it for him. Still think its just an odd excuse! It hurt so much right now. He so much wants me back and is trying to hard but I can't help but think this is just all an act, his character and his integrity in my eyes are ruined!

#18 May 26 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

7yeaeritch

I'm so sorry your heart is

I'm so sorry your heart is broken. We're all going through it, and I'm still not sure how we survive it -- maybe one hour at a time. Mine was broken Feb 27, and I know I hurt less, but it still hurts so much, I can't imagine that once the pain was greater -- like yours must be. How do you or I get through it? I don't know. That said -- I'm so sorry for your pain. Just as you list his qualities, I know without knowing you that you deserve so much better than that. Everyone does. You deserve to be half of one of the couples where both people appreciate each other, where respect and trust are in bred into the relationship. You don't deserve to look at couples like that and wish that your relationship was like theirs. Please keep up the wonderful job you're doing of resisting him and don't go back. Get someone else to help you move your things. Let your support system and all the wonderful people here help you re-find you while you walk through this pain and come out stronger and more clearly sighted than you ever were before. You'll get there. I don't know. We get through each day as best we can and find each day is just a little bit easier, find that at the end of the day we did get through it. You will get through this. Hold on.

#19 May 26 - 3PM (Reply to #7)

BadaBing

7

thank you for your sweet and caring words. My heart is breaking I really loved him and I really though he loved me. What a waste of my time he is. I am working hard to have as little to do with him communcation wise as possible but he is keeping it up with daily emails, calls and will write me letters. I think he thinks this will work. I think I think I know it won't. But either way, my heart hurts - and I feel so alone in it. I thought at the least he was my friend!! But I am not going to be moved by these gestures when clearly is actions show me what kind of man he really is!! I am going be reading this blog over the next few months and working to understand how I can extract myself from him and ...do it. thanks again 7!!!!!! you are all so nice to respond!

#20 May 26 - 2PM (Reply to #4)

wacaet

and, don't be so quick to

and, don't be so quick to judge the OW who knows what lies he told her, she might not be a "slut" at all, maybe just another woman he deceived

#21 May 26 - 2PM (Reply to #5)

BadaBing

gotcha

JUst really still angry. The whole anal thing may be a complete lie but that is why I labeled her slut because I just felt like it was a wham bam thank u mamm --- in my house! thanks again w

#22 May 26 - 1PM

SoaperGirl

Even once is too much

Too me, all that you have described screams Narc. LOSE HIS ASS!

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