Be happy being on your own

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#1 May 30 - 5PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Be happy being on your own

Be happy to be on your own, away from the Narc, and learning about what happened. Learn about the Narc personality, and how they abuse you.

They have ALOT of problems,,most of which drain us, leave us feeling depressed, concerned, insecure, working too hard for their attention and relationship, and wondering what the hell happened.

I have realized the the Narc personality disordered people are NOT HAPPY and not happy being on their own!

They are NOT self reliant, they are NOT strong, they are NOT wise, and they humilate, exploit, put people on the most subtle AND most obvious of guilt trips..

At times when we have told us NO, they try to violate our boundaries.

Not to mention the mind games, grow up please!

This is not respect, which is what we need and deserve in a relationship, and it is necessary to grow.

My advice, take comfort in being on your own, do whatever you can to protect that, and do not let the Narc deprive you of what you need.

Do you ever feel that their 'way in' was in depriving you of what you needed?

May 31 - 3PM
terri
terri's picture

Nice sentiments

that I used to totally buy into to. However now I'm realizing things a bit differently. Looking back over 10 years with narc, I'm realizing that for all of those years I was alone. During that time, I thought I was in a relationship, I thought I had a partner, I thought I would be loved and supported...but that was never fully realized. Looking back, I can completely understand my loneliness today. It's because I've been alone all these years - taking care of everything before me - totally by myself. I'm tired of being and doing by myself. I miss genuine caring companionship. I miss feeling safe. I've done all the strong woman stuff. I've raised my children. I've supported a nice home for them. I've earned a good living. I've done crap that no other woman I know has had to do by herself. I've held up the world by my own two hands so I know I can do it some more. I just don't want to anymore.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

May 31 - 8AM
dudette
dudette's picture

I wish I was on my own - it would feel like moving on.

But that's my real bug bear in this.... I still have the husband and now mt son is very shaken by the whole thing and is making me swear that his parents will not plit up again.... Honestly what I would not give for a sanctuary and being single.....
May 31 - 5PM (Reply to #23)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

dudette

remember your son will grow up and move on and you too have a life to live.My exhusband and I split up when our son went off to college and there is no sense in staying in a loveless marriage. Our son understood at that time that we were only friends and roommates..
May 31 - 3AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

AMEN!

It takes time to get there, but really, at the other side, the thought is sheer disgust without hatred...hard to explain but you really don't care anymore and it is such a relief!
May 31 - 6AM (Reply to #21)
jen79
jen79's picture

ah thats it Michelle

Disgust without hatred, lool. I think its this, feeling repelled, been there done that, dont need this again, lesson learned, god bless you thing, you go your way, I go mine. This is letting go, I guess.
May 31 - 4AM (Reply to #20)
adoette
adoette's picture

michele115

Here's hoping! I'm gettin' there...at least I can imagine such a thing. A month ago I would have flat out denied that that was a possibility. It's so good to hear from others further along on this journey the great things we have to look forward to.
May 31 - 3AM
Journey
Journey's picture

Well said Amazed!

I don't know about exN depriving me of what I needed as his way in, but it was definitely his way of staying in the center of my attention throughout the relationship once he'd secured my love (oops, I mean supply - lol). "Please sir, that last crumb you threw was so tasty and I'm starving, may I have another?"

Journey on...

May 31 - 4AM (Reply to #18)
adoette
adoette's picture

Journey

LOL! That totally says it! (I can laugh now...at the time, not so much)
May 31 - 1AM
jen79
jen79's picture

I can tell you how they feel

The same way you felt when you were with him, insecure, all over the place, always in fear, and always in pain, always looking for something, and you dont even know what exactly. This way we felt with them, it was not ONLY us, it resonated within us a point, unresolved issues maybe, but this way they feel all the time. Actually I believe, relationships for the narc is all about this, projecting all the inner conflicts onto us, so they can feel better, and I dont mean just the words they throw at us, I mean they really take all their stuff and put it onto us, AND WE TOOK IT, thats why we became these train wrecks, and they seemed to be these cold distant cool asses. We are the garbage can for their BS, they have no other way of dealing with their shit. So ask yourself, how happy were you this time, not very much, werent you? This how they feel inside all the time.
May 30 - 8PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Yes, Amazed

This last time with the Narc he mentioned that previously he had done nothing that I wanted and I stayed with him so I must get off on being treated this way. So this time he kicked it up a few notches, his behavior was even worse which sets up my old wounds for putting up with it and it made me try harder. The other strange thing which happened simultaneously was that he took his mask completely off. Amazed it was without a doubt the creepest thing I had ever seen in my life. Previously he had taken it down to a point. This last time for the last 3 weeks he took it down all the way, not sure exactly why. It may have been to see if I would love him exactly as he was, he may have been playing out some morbid scene from his past, or he may have wanted me to kick him out so as to end it permanently. In three weeks time and this was all new behavior. He brought coke into my house, started watching porno in front of me, did some things sexually to himself which curled my hair in complete and utter shock and disgust, did nothing for my birthday, nothing, told me some bizarre stuff, asked me if I thought he was gay, asked me if I thought his sexual preferences were sick and twisted. I was like, who is this complete freak in my house? I got the impression that I was at long last seeing the complete real him. I was sick to my stomach, my stomach was literally burning up inside, and I knew that I had to do whatever it took to get him out. So I started screaming at him one morning and I did not stop, I told him every single thing I thought about him and it was not pretty. He jumped out of the bed and literally ran out of the house with only his clothes on, he took nothing and I never heard from him again. I am so glad he is gone. I was in bed with the devil. I lost all respect for him, snapped out of my fog and became shocked that I ever would allow such a menace and freak into my life. I felt like I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than to spend one more second with this mutant. God only knows what would have happened next if I let him stay but I was not going to stick around to watch it happen. I have never seen anyone change to that extent right before my very eyes in my life or like I said maybe I was seeing the real him for the first time. I think maintaining NC is going to be much easier this time, LOL. God bless, Goldie
May 30 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
booboo35
booboo35's picture

OMG Goldie your ex sounds

OMG Goldie your ex sounds just like my ex Narc, With the cocaine and porn, They are vile sick creatures, He used to wank himself off watching porn and expect me not to think anything bad or be disgusted, I think if they could fuck themselves they would!!! xx

STAY STRONG!! XX

May 30 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

You're going to love this

He did f himself he said when he was thinner he used to be able to just bend over and give himself a bj. When we would be watching TV he would be stroking himself watching regular TV, guess he does not require much visual stimualtion to arose himself any TV show will do, LOL. God bless, Goldie
May 30 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
Steph
Steph's picture

Wow, Goldie! He sounds like a

Wow, Goldie! He sounds like a real "catch"! What were you thinking letting this one go?!... ...I mean, a man that gets off on regular tv......that is hard to find! It's my lifelong dream to find a man that masturbates to "Law and Order" or the "Simpsons" or maybe " America's Funniest Home Videos". lol Seriously, you really have survived and overcome a real manipulative and psychotic WEIRDO. Kudos to you, strong one! xoxo
May 31 - 4AM (Reply to #15)
empath
empath's picture

in poor taste...

The show "Different Strokes" immediately came to my mind. (((insert drumroll here)))
May 30 - 8PM (Reply to #9)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

LMFAO

Stayingstrong that was the best laugh I have had in weeks. I must have been out of my mind letting him go. No worries anything after him will be a step up. Yes, he was a one stop shopper when it came to Masterbation, sex in the city, shopping catalogs, hard core, he was definately not picky. I guess when they are in jail they masterbate to catalogs and people magazine and probably the simpsons. You made my night, I am still laughing over that one. God bless, Goldie
May 30 - 10PM (Reply to #10)
Steph
Steph's picture

lol! glad u laughed cuz you

lol! glad u laughed cuz you deserve a good laugh! So funny, that you say "anything after him will be a step up"...... Goldie, you could date a herpes infected, mentally challenged pig froma a farm covered in genital worts, infected with AIDS and a nasty unknown body rash, and you would STILL be a "step up" from the N!!!
May 30 - 11PM (Reply to #11)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

You're killing me tonight

OMG, you are right. I always said to lisa that I thought M should be the poster child for us. He is on 24/7. That last 3 weeks was murder. It was penie this penie that. Penie wants you, penie needs you to touch him. Do you want penie? Penie is horney, penie is lonely, give penie some attention and when he wasn't talking about penie he was touching penie. Then it was do you think penie is too small? He asked me that about 100 times in that period. Then the porno talk. He said he likes to watch porno because he likes to look at the penie's. Are you serious? He seldom ever mentioned a female body part. OMG, look buddy I don't care about penie. I had the good sense not to comment on penie's size that would have been a rememdy for disaster. I have NEVER in my life listened to any man talk about their penie to that extent is was downright vile. That is one way to turn someone off to sex for life. Because after that I just did not care anymore. He made a complete fool out of himself. I saw him coming and I wanted to run or push him off a cliff. God bless us all, Goldie
May 30 - 11PM (Reply to #12)
Steph
Steph's picture

Good Lord.....I am nauseated

Good Lord.....I am nauseated just reading about his "penie this and that".....let alone being exposed to what u've been through! I am going to venture that his "penie" wan't too adequate.....because if it was....why the hell the need to pay tribute to it SO often? He's "penie" is underdeveloped, as is his brain.
May 30 - 11PM (Reply to #13)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Bingo

He was 6'6" and let just say....I loved him with all my heart prior to that 3 week period and I did not care about such things apparently, I was not the choir. I don't think I was even there in his mind. So if the new OW is ever threatened by me she can be assured that I did not have it better than she does. ALL SET!!! God bless, Goldie
May 30 - 11PM (Reply to #14)
Steph
Steph's picture

yup.... she will be exposed

yup.... she will be exposed to him in the exact same way as you were. and WHEN that happens, because we know it will....she will be a new member here....going through all the same questions and emotions that we all have.
May 30 - 8PM (Reply to #8)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Playing with himself with The Simpsons

You're not off with THAT one!!! The ex-Psych (as in psychopath) professor was a major Simpsons fan... and he did admit to a BIG masturbation habit. He probably did get off on the antics of Homer&Bart.
May 30 - 7PM
Steph
Steph's picture

Great post! Yes, being with

Great post! Yes, being with them "deprives" us of our needs because "we" become invisible when with them.....everything becomes and revolves around THEM. We need to realize that the only validation we need is the validation that we give OURSELVES. Thanks for the post:) xoxo
May 30 - 7PM
Monica
Monica's picture

I spent all of today working on MY house!

My xH walked away from our marital home to live with his girlfriend. So I am moving back in (and doing all of that by myself except the large furniture) and plan on getting the house into great shape to sell it in a few years when the market is better. The things I am learning and doing by myself are so gratifying!!! xNarc used to say, "The only tool in my toolbox is my checkbook." He didn't do a thing around his house when he was married, his wife cut the lawn and he paid others to do everything else. LAZY and incompetent. And here I am, on my own, doing things I never dreamed I could do. This winter I am going to refinish my kitchen cabinets. xNarc would not even know where to begin with a project like that. I am enjoying being on my own, doing things by myself, cooking myself nice meals on my grill. FOR ME. Not for anyone else. I tried dating for a few weeks but discovered I wasn't ready for that. I need to be alone for a while, recover from the damage the xNarc did to me, regain my mental, emotional and physical strength for the next chapter in my life. And xNarc? He cannot bear being alone, not for more than one evening. Understandable. He isn't a very nice person to hang out with!
May 31 - 3AM (Reply to #2)
Journey
Journey's picture

Love this Monica!

"And xNarc? He cannot bear being alone, not for more than one evening. Understandable. He isn't a very nice person to hang out with!" Very well said and congrats on your home reclaiming! My ex used to say he didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone because he likes to be on his own. Huh! What he really meant is he has to be free to do whatever he pleases and with whomever he wants at all times, just as long as there is someone he can target to get supply from else he is miserable.

Journey on...