I love the way you just put it out there!...yea...cobwebs over here too...
And yea, sometimes I get pissed but then I think about all the risks involved...
And I feel better and SAFER...
Eventually I remain hopeful the cobwebs will be cleared away...but in the interim...enjoying the peace of mind.
Ditto for me on the cobwebs. I can hardly wait to find out WHO the lucky new man in my life will be to clear away mine. Of course I realize I may be waiting quite a while. I am hopeful the next one will not be a PDI. I like to think I've learned to not ignore the red flags anymore. I have a 5 red flag rule. Any guy who reaches 5 is history with me. My last guy only made it 2 weeks - yep, you guessed it, a Narc! I guess I'm proud of myself for spotting him early on. But the disappointment stung just a little. The longer I do this, the easier it is to spot them. :) Knowledge is power!!!
I have noticed that in the times when I am being celibate I achieve the most, professionally and psychologically. Then when I have a partner I tend to focus on him and it takes time and energy.
As I stated already in my post "After the N", usually I feel I do not have both of them. It is a great work which sometimes I do not appreciate. that's the truth.
I love sex and it has been 6 months since NH but I am OK with celibacy.
At the end of the relationship with NH the sex was not great anyway. No foreplay at all.
It was all about him. SLAM, BAM, THANK YOU MAM!
Anyway NH was getting fat and sex with him was becoming yucky!
I would rather pleasure myself than lie with him again. LOL
I have had sex with ex N 2 years ago...then 2 days after he D&D me...then 7 months later i had sex twice....once was great with a 30 year old guy....he seduced me i was 51 then...just one night stand,we both knew that was going to be it, but iwas really wanted after being discarded by N ...and had been told that iwas unatractive old and in order to f***k me he had to think about something else...but this guy he really made me feel great,sexy and wanted...he wanted ALL night...and it did happen....my self esteem got a real boost when he wanted to see me again,but i just could't forget my ex N so i stopped,Now has been a year and a half because to be honest i only get aroused by the thought of ex N.....i have to face the music.....NO SEX
It's been 18 months since I had sex with exN and a couple months after that I felt strongly that I didn't want him to be my last sexual encounter. I was still missing him and in love and I knew it might be a long time before I would want to get involved with someone else.
So two months after N left I had a one night stand with a long time acquaintance friend. He'd had a crush on me when I was first getting involved with N and there was a bit of a mild attraction on my part. I only had eyes for N at the time so he'd moved on.
We both just happened to be available and even though his crush had faded, we gave it a go. For me I just wanted to be with someone different who could help erase my association of sex with N that also understood where I was at emotionally.
I got what I needed, closeness with someone who was kind and giving, who knew I was heart broken and understood it was only for that night. I didn't feel very passionate or excited in the same way that I did with N, but we shared a mutual and caring connection which was sometimes elusive during sex with N.
I haven't had sex with anyone since and I sometimes wonder when I will ever want to again. I do miss the touching and closeness, I am a very sensual person, but I haven't cared to go lookin for lovin and have been well enough without it.
As long as sex with narc wasn't my last time, I have felt patient about the next time.
I didnt had sex for one year, and I hated it and missed it, but I was still right in the PTSD deep deep in it, and I have to say, there is a link between those two, somehow anxiety and stress raises your sex drive, cause it releaves the pain.
Then last year I had 2 times sex with an ex, I didnt enjoy it and cried right after that. I still have this postcoital crying, and as long as I have this, I wont go searching for any sex.
But I have to say it lessens, it gets better, and I can live with it now.
I dont want to run searching for getting some sex like an addict, like the narc.
And I also want respect my very nature, I know I will bond deeply with who ever I have sex and I wont let anyone touch me again, until I am sure, I can trust this guy 100 procent.
Just hold on a little bit more, it will get better!
"Somehow stress&anxiety raise your sex drive, cause it relieves the pain"-That would explain why my sex drive would go up through the roof around the ex-Psych prof, even when he HAD gotten plump. I used to have very erotic dreams about him, in which he was a tender&understanding lover, gently kissing me, holding me in his arms... but those ended during the final D&D. I was always so stressed, anxious, and AROUSED around him... it was weird.
A couple of years ago, I was in the presence of a younger man (8 years my junior)... what happened between us was a no-go. He had too many *red flags*... such as being more interested in a male waiter than me, and purposefully coming late to an event a friend& I went to. When I felt incredibly aroused by that younger man, I took it for what it was... a red flag.
Haven't had sex in almost a year and yeah it's frustrating. I love sex!
Had an opportunity last summer but honestly I couldn't go thru with it. It creeped me out and couldn't stand for him to touch me. He said Wow you're last guy really fucked you up. You think!!!
The guy turned out to be a phone stalker and the red flags were everywhere. I stood my ground and said you are freaking me out & leave me alone. After a month of not answering his calls he got the hint.
In my younger days I had no problem having a one nite stand but after this experience not sure I could do that anymore.
Still...I miss having sex.
I went a year.....then hooked up.....with the exN. And I definately don't recommend that! lol
Now, I'm NC again and won't be hooking up with anyone.
Personally, I don't want to do the one night stand thing.....not that i think there is anything wrong with it if you're responsible about it. I've done it in the past....I just don't want to anymore.
Nothing wrong with not having sex until in a loving relationship.
OH YEAh!!! I think 5 years once, I just didnt want to be close to a fuzz monkey.
Anyway as Ive discovered a soak in a bubble bath and a glass of wine outdo any man Ive ever been with.
Ive gone 5 months now, and I really would rather stick pins in my eyes than go near this dipshit.
Anyway invest in yourself, go to bed with music candles and love yourself up. you know what i mean :)))
The ex-Psych prof was trying to coerce me into sex early on because he said he had "appetites." He thought that since he and I had the same age difference as Leo&Sofia Tolstoy, he could get me into bed. He'd say that Leo&Sofia married after only a weeklong courtship. He thought he could marry me after a week...yikes...
By my junior year, he had fattened himself up and by the final D&D he was getting drunk around students because I had refused to have sex with him.
What's worse is that the ex-P was the cerebral Narc type, who sees sex as common, dirty, sinful. Somatic Narcs are more in tune with the body&its pleasures... they feel sex is their entitlement, that they are entitled to sexual pleasure. As a cerebral Narc, the ex-P said that if he married me, we'd live a "religious life" (i.e. go celibate) after having 1 or 2 kids. He said he preferred masturbation. Cerebral Narcs get off on withholding sex&affection.
Believe me, I DID want to have sex with him. He was once physically attractive. It was his lack of self-respect (he really let himself go), and his lack of respect for me, that sabotaged any chance for sex with him. The sexual frustration was perversely mutual. He was frustrated because I didn't give him the sex he wanted to degrade me (I honestly think he'd be able to bring me down, so I'd look I was so desperate that I'd have sex with a fat drunk professor) and felt entitled to... I was frustrated because if he had respected me, I would've gladly had sex with him. I was frustrated with his behavior in general. There was something bizarrely asexual about him... I wasn't replaced with a bimbo, but a woman who looked like HIS clone.
I ended up celibate by default. In some way, I felt too SCARED to have sex with him. I'd be anxious&shaking in his presence, and my body would tense up.
So true:
"Cerebral Narc type sees sex as common, dirty, sinful.
Somatic Narcs are more in tune with the body&its pleasures... they feel sex is their entitlement, that they are entitled to sexual pleasure.
Cerebral Narcs get off on withholding sex&affection. They often prefer masturbation."
For some reason, the ex-Psych prof thought that his "sex is the ultimate crime because it produces more sufferers" was some weird pickup line. No wonder the long-running joke among my classmates that the prostitutes downtown were rejecting him because they weren't THAT desperate for $$$. He was the john they didn't want, because at least they wanted a GOOD TIME.
The ex-P would brag about how Arthur Schopenhauer's numerous girlfriends would be weeping after sex, that Sofia Tolstoy would be sobbing&threatening suicide after sex... and how he wanted the SAME with me.
I think he got off on other people's pain. And it was his ex-BOYFRIEND who warned me, NOT another woman(!!!) The ex-P might've been worse with the men in his life than the women, because Ns/Ps tend to abuse the objects of attraction. He was more attracted to men than women;he'd ogle men when I was with him. The ex-P was the only teacher I've ever had who confessed his masturbation habit to me. Since I'm not an ordained male priest&it wasn't uttered in a confessional, that makes it OK to me to tell everyone, doesn't it?
I would definetely have to say that mine has to fall in the Somatic Narc.....even at age 62 its all about him and his pleasures....never thought i would be saying this to any other human being in my life time....but I get so damn sick and tired of scratching his scrotum at all hours of the night as he calls it, just so he can have the power over making he do something I would rather not do....he will wake you up 3 or 4 times a night for just that....and he is constantly demanding head.....In the beginning the sex for me was great, but that was in the honeymoon stage when he was still pretending to be the person I thought he was....once that change then it became only about him and his sexual needs....and even at his age if he wanted to do it 3 times a day, its the womans duty to pleasure him. I get nothing out of the deal, except for feeling used.
Our bodies are hardwired to need touch. We should not deprive ourselves of this. However, I don’t recommend jumping into a new romantic relationship right away.
You need to take time for yourself to heal. FooledNoLonger's suggestion about the bath, candles and wine is an excellent one. You can also get a massage from a professional or buy something you can use to massage yourself.
Science has proven that the act of touch and massage release endorphins and neurotransmitters like serotonin, which make you feel better both physically and emotionally.
Treat yourself to a massage or nice bubble bath. You will be amazed at how much it relaxes you and reduces your anxiety.
One of my favorite subjects! LOL
I once went over a year without it. My 2 exNarcs were both somatic, that's for sure. I think I would have quickly lost interest if they had been cerebral. LOL
However, I noticed how fast exNarc #2 tried to get me into bed, and THIS was a red flag to me. I guess you must have some idea of how hard it was for me to resist him. I had to literally fight him off, and fight my own urges as well. By the end of 2 weeks, I had given into him, once. And I tell you what, it was not even that good. And maybe this is TMI, but guys over 50? Well some of them have a hard time; or should I say, a soft time?
Date a guy over 50 & you may want to ask if his parts are still under warranty. Anyway, I had built up all these huge fantasies about what the sex with him would be like, and how great it was going to be. And it was okay, at best. I was kind of disappointed though. I thought it was gonna be better.
But of course, by the end of the 2 weeks, I knew he was a textbook Narc and had to cut him loose. I guess now I'll never have to wonder if I missed out on a great lover. I'll give him a B-. I got better grades in his classes! LOL
Yes ladies, the bubble baths are great, wine, soft music. The massage idea is good! I've never tried that one. Also, toys are fun. Lots of interesting "things" you can buy at Athena's Home Novelty parties and on the internet. This stuff should get us though it. ;)
CougarBabe7 ♥
Ohhh Fierflie...
LOL Michele
I have noticed that in the
6 Months!
victimnomore
sex...and celibate aceone
Aceonelady
Been 16 months now
Journey on...
fierflie
Anxiety&stress
fireflie
I went a year.....then hooked
OH YEAh!!! I think 5 years
Fooled
Celibacy By Default
Good points, Susan!
Not a pickup line
Somatic Narc
I just realized Lisa
Missing Sex
SEX
i hope mine's starts gettign