Bernadette's Story

My last N…!?!!

A few month ago I fortunately found your forum, and however I need for some English words and descriptions a dictionary, most topics/articles I can easily read and understanding ….(In my country I miss this kind of forums ) but writing in English is still difficult for me…but in my under mentioned story I will try to explain you why I am so happy finding it.

After a marriage of more than 30 years I went finally out of this marriage … and I however I hoped, he would find an AW ( me, coward) , but I divorced him, and never regrets it…..(We have 3 children together… )
During that time I find him a little selfish child, who always wanted everything….my ( everyone’s) adoration…my time…my strength….my love….my initiatives.. my inspiration: his love was only conditional….But I gave him almost everything …but it was never enough ( also thanks to my Catholic education…it was my “duty”) Now I see, he had many narcissistic attributes.. ( and I was not the only person who thought so…)He was very selfish….normative but not mean…
During the marriage crisis I went to a therapist (“ he didn’t need to go”) and she helped me to see that one of my big problems were (are): knowing and holding my boundaries ,….yes, I am a “pleaser”….Now…. I finally started to learn:…. but knowing and willing is not yet “able to doing” and persevere.

After 3 years I met a new man, older than me, also very intellectual like my first husband, a professor, still a well-known international , brain researcher and publisher , sporty and he loves, just like me, museums and culture had a very active life. These last things were the things I missed in my marriage.
Like my ex-husband ( he died for 3 years ago) he “carried me on his hands” in the beginning (so we called this in my country…)..and maybe you can guess….and I felled in love with him….
His wife also died for four years….( before I met him) and yes, he was “unfaithful to her …. but …. she was very depressed , she was an alcoholic and medicine addict , and very lousy” etc. etc.; “she blocked his carrier”…(“ probably he could had win the Nobel prizes for his academic research “)
And of course …he sad: he felt very guilty about his deceit ….”He couldn’t forgive himself “and when he talks about his “mistakes”…he really cried a lot…. (one daughter confirmed this vision of his wife….but the others keeps silent..) He nearly had “friends “ because “ they were foreign collegians from his University: one study -friend I met twice.
Our communication was in the beginning personal ..about the art we saw in the museums, the films we saw…the concerts we visit…..but also not very deep…mostly superficial, or very rational, and sometimes he gave other opinions about the same issues.
Later we mostly talked about HIS research,books,( I am also a prof.)houses, wishes, needs…problems with his children…but nevertheless he was never satisfied about the quantity of my attentions (pff …pff )… and became during our relationship more and more controlling, trying overrule my boundaries ..ignoring my wishes and values. …and,I agree.. I let this often happen.
Sometimes there was also behavior of manipulative, lying, sometimes sarcastic, appease it in the beginning.. thinking : “This is a part of his mourning”…or :” he is really a absently professor”….”we all have our history”…”you can’t change another person”…”loving is giving and taking”… so I ignore my intuition.
Besides he was very interesting in my salary.. money ( we shares the collective expenses) ; wanted several times money from my wealthy son- in -law ( I was very angry about him) wanted more and more of my time…and when I refuse he was (covering) punishing me,in several ways….even then ,he never wanted to understand my comments about his lack of empathy to me and other people ..USES everyone in his ( and mine) circle…even his own children….dangerous driving… his remarkable behavior, to me and others …strange…without empathy ..hard.. or negative …always criticizing, blaming others ….But for significant strangers, always so charming…helpful…
Talking about this contradiction behavior, on his or my couch, there was mostly no dialog, only monolog( from me) then…denying… then promising always “ recuperation”… but never effectively.Afterwards ( a few weeks, later, days) he was pleasant, cozy , …lovely,it was nice and relax. … Charming…..Then , out of nowhere he became moody,grumpy, and gave me silent treatments… and no comment on my questions: Why?? …..I became very tired of all his games.
At first I wouldn’t,couldn’t believe it all…deny it …but the last year this behaviors are becoming stronger, frequenter,less hiding. Yes of course, now I see that I deny several“red Flags” in the beginning.. How blind and simple I was!
The more his masks felt, the more my shells felt from my eyes… I was astonished who he really is/was…and however I thought I loved him ( Did I really know HIM???)
I ended, after 3 years,this summer,our relation…(Happily I had resist his frequently request for living together ) very convinced but also with pain, regrets in my heart…. We had also many nice, happy (?!?)relaxed moments,the cozy ,sports and culture activities,our intimacy, the sex, the holidays we shared. …
When I called one of his children and told her that I stopped the relation with her father, she said : “Oh my God…this is new…how will he react?... In the past he always ended his relations”… “But, yes, ..I can understand your decision very well”…...And I was in shock!!….nobody had told me all that years…!!.(He have had many other women during his marriage)
His reaction on my decision to stop our relation, was furious, then charming, begging…sarcastic.. But my approach was:It’s over, I told you clearly, why ….several times….
However “He didn’t get it at all “ so after several appeals, I sent him a final letter, writing again my experiences …my exceptions,…my disappointments…my hurt by …his behaviors,. his games…ignorance …his promises …his lies….his manipulations …..his controlling …etc.etc. I wrote him that I never game back in a relation with him and that I wishes him “all the goods in the future“.
So yes, I stopped the contact, but he didn’t…… till now he stalks me, my children, my friends, my family… he tried to use his children…his neighbors to contact me and telling me “he is sooo sorry, he made so many mistakes “….and …he cried ….many tears…He even wanted to go in therapy…and he did …for 3 sessions : I didn’t want to go with him…so this tactic failed. …and he stopped.
Till now he sends me SMS..…mails.. letters/gifts in my briefcase etc. etc. Telling he is “sorry…he misses me, he learned so much and promising…. he is changed. “ Even this week I became 2 letters and a photo album with photos from me and him of the last three years….( He never showed me before ) Never the less …..I give him no reactions despite all his provocations. But it’s also difficult to avoid him in the theater and museums.
I went for another sport school and I do Yoga, play golf, …I enjoy my (grand)children and friends, nature, books and film …but this whole situation…his hovering…. costs me still lots of energy….but gives me also new energy. …also thanks to your supporting in your forum!!
The last half year I read books about NPD/ Sociopath/Psychopath from Dr. G. Simon., dr. R. Hare, Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi , Donna Andersen, Claudia Moscovici.. ..and now The Path Forward…they are very eye opened for me….
I will never, ever, go back to him…. and yes , it’s sometimes difficult to remain his several masks ( Your forum discussions helps me remember) : I misses all the nice activities we shared……Still wondering,( I am high- educated and find myself not unworldly ) that a person can be so evil , can hide this so easily, so good and so long….(and cheat so many others in my envirnment )
I still struggle sometimes with mixed feelings of quilt, anger and also with the feeling of COMPASSION …. but most of all I feel RELIEFD ….still spent “quality time” to get lost of my “quilt”, and “ how prevent becoming a suspicious person, …looking for “my triggers”, of not finding/ recognizing, in time the red flags and not guarding my boundaries “ .
The last 2 years, my education team “dealed /struggled” also with 2 directors also N) on university.At last we used every honest and official way to unmask them…we collect as much as possible proof, and we succeed….they are fired this summer…and our team put out the flag….what a victory!!
In one way, I think this “battle “ experience, held me in the beginning, off from my personal problems, but otherwise, I am sure, it made me more conscious of abuse of power.
So,at this moment( since a few weeks )I feel mostly strong and grateful… and live most of the time, my worth full life, that I am really aware of, and that he still needs and wants sooo much… bad luck..
I will thank very much for all your supporting blogs,posts and discussions wish you a
LOVELY NEW YEAR!
Bernadette