Betrayal

26 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Dec 8 - 6PM
lili124
lili124's picture

Betrayal

Has anyone on this site been involved with someone who claims that they love you and want to marry you but you have just recently found out that he is on match.com but of course he does not know that I know this. I am thinking I should play along and confront him about this. I have lost faith in people with this disorder as it seems like they want to cause drama, etc so you will possibly feel like you need them. Look forward to some feedback on this.

I feel like I am recovering but he always try to reel me back in because he needs me more than I need him.

Dec 13 - 10AM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

Betrayal is a nasty

Betrayal is a nasty experience because it can have life time side effects. Once you have been seriously betrayed you lose trust, are hyper vigilant with other people, and it can alter how you live your life and form your relationships. In some people it can lead to social isolation which is very bad for your physical and emotional health. It can cause depression, ulcers, heart arythmia, and a long list of things. these people are very toxic and the best thing is to put distance between you and this man and have a NO CONTACT rule. Second guessing someone with no social morals will always come up with the fact that they lack sympathy, empathy,trust and loyalty. They are a bit intriguing and seeing what makes them move and how they tick is interesting but it always turns out badly in the end. they are a puzzle but they have too many problems and cause bad re-actions think of something fun to do that has positive re-actions. One of my friends, after a bad break-up with a narcissist, took a psychology class to better understand how these men work and went on to get a degree! She found out they all act the same and she got interested in their process not in them. She now specializes in therapy with their victims. Her practice is very successful and she laughs about how her curiousity about him and how he worked put her on the road to a new career. the day she passed her exams to get her state counseling license she sent him flowers anonomously and that always makes her laugh when she thinks of how he must have puzzled about the sender.
Dec 12 - 5PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

On Betrayl and Confiding in the "Live in"

I was the "OW" for 3 1/2 years,,,all the while he had a "live in" shall we say "permanent woman". I eventually exposed the N while he was with this woman,,we spoke or about 4 hours,,,comparing stories, pictures,,,I told her all about my end of things,,she told me about hers,,,I left the N,,total NC,,,the N blame shifted on me, and deluded HER into believing that EVERYTHING I told her was lies . I showed her pictures. I showed her txts. I gave her dates. Told HER about all that he had done to me. She vowed to never get back together with him!!! And I found out she did!! He broke her down!! My heartaches that this woman is still living in denial,,and probably living if not engaged to the N bafoon. She is so brainwashed, it is sick..sick sick. I feel horrible,,,everyday,,knowing that the N tactics maniupulated her and her 4 KIDS back into his life!!! Such a tragedy,,and I want to contact her again, and tell her,,really tell her that SHE IS GETTING MIND F__CK=D big time,, I haven't done this because I know he will intervene and check her phone (yes, the N is all over her phone,,how pathetic) Would you just leave this one alone if you were me?
Dec 12 - 7PM (Reply to #20)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Amazed

LEAVE IT ALONE!! Bow out gracefully with your head held high and just release this sick F to the life he chooses, that is what I have done. You warned her and she is obviously too weak and brainwashed by him, you cant outdo his skills of charm and manipulation, they have done it all their lives and they are good at it, we are no match for them when it comes to their pathological charm and their persuasion. Its her bed let her lie in it with him one day she will say why didnt I listen to her but she must reach that point on her own as we did. I was also the OW while he had a GF of like 8 years, but it makes me wonder how many other women they had with us too as well as the GF, oh what a web of lies we weave when first we practice to deceive, my father always told me that. Curious did your make you feel like his whore? DId your promise you the world and then destroyed it? Funny huh they are still with their GF's I think the GF's come in handy so they can say they are already in a relationship when they really could care less about it, but so their side other women dont start demanding too much. The GF is used for so many things, excuses for the OW, convenience, his image, front, 2nd supply and secure supply, and god knows what else, Interesting how they juggle that isnt it, they go out and screw their OW wipe of their dicks then sit down to a nice home cooked meal by the live in, telling them I worked up an appetite, ha ha They are so sick dont mean to be crude but this is what they do and they think NOTHING of it, mine once said make sure your husband screws you before you see me tomorrow so I can feel his come still inside you and dont shower. Ya mine was just a tad off the scale, trust me you dont want to know the rest he asked me to do, never did any of it but one day I will post when I can talk about it all the things he wanted us to do sexually. I am soooooo glad my nightmare is over I do feel better but feel like a bus ran me over and I am returning back just a little bit to who I once was, I see little things pop up and that helps, I find it interesting that I am changed but in a better way, I am funnier, much wiser, I engage in serious discussions with people (not about him) but just about life in general and they say I am so wise, ha ha well if you only knew how I acquire all that wisdom you would drop over dead to hear what I experienced that forever changed me. Did your promise you the world too? I imagine so, was he into sick sex as mine was? Just curious I am sure he put you through the same hell as mine took me through, did he take his gf on vacations while you were left crying on the curb? Then telling you I really didnt want to go with her I wanted to go with you, ha ha what a crock of shit. Like I said I just released mine to the life he has choosen, he has nothing to offer me that will bring me anything close to what I want because he doesnt have it in him to give, he is empty, and dead inside and even after awhile the same thing happens to their you know what, limp and dead, they cant even make love like normal people they are forever damaged,
Dec 13 - 5AM (Reply to #21)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

Cynthia

Hi, I thought my ExN 'you know what' as you called it lol was limp and dead cos he is diabetic and now you say that it just turns out like they are. Do you think it would have gone south anyway then? 'he is empty, and dead inside and even after awhile the same thing happens to their you know what, limp and dead, they cant even make love like normal people they are forever damaged',
Dec 13 - 10AM (Reply to #24)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Ellen

Most likely YES, he is what I forgot over 50? If he masturbates all the time and engages in nasty orgies and sick sex like mine did, having sex with one person does not do much for them on a regular basis, its like going to first base as my counselor said. My counselor told me millions of time, "He does not get much out of normal sex, its boring to him" As I look back my counselor was right, mine was just priming me for better things to come he wanted to share with me, used tons of suggestive thoughts during the height of our intense sex , he would even go so far as to say just spread my legs and pretend I am a woman and you are eating me out, I bet you eat p---y good, God it was sick just pretend I am your whore and do anything you want to me, ram your tongue down my throat as you would if I were a woman, get a strap on so I can watch you F another woman and you be the man, make the bitch scream then we will kick her out and we can go at it...... you can use the strap on with me if you like.... HEARD ENOUGH ELLEN? Ya that was what my Mr perfect dream man turned into after about a year. So now I ask myself gee why wont he go NORTH, whats up, or I should say NOT UP with that? ha ha I am wearing a sexy thong, 5'8 36C size 10 my body is toned I work out and he is LIMP and DEAD and I havent seen him for a few months, and he is LIMP? He would say God you are gorgeous and the sexiest woman I have been with but I want to watch another man with you, ah NO THANKS go find a prostitute for that you have money, he told me one time I looked like one of those HIGH DOLLAR Prostitutes, I said, gee thanks asshole so hand me over 5grand then ha ha ha he said no you dont give me what I want because you would be jealous like a little girl I told him NO ITS CALLED NORMAL like a HUMANBEING. So Ellen gee wonder why he was limp, not enough perversion with just me. If your was into all that shit I guarantee he would have been MR ED too without the diabetic problem
Dec 13 - 6AM (Reply to #22)
The Girlfriend ...
The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl's picture

To Cynthia: Info for Finding the Facebook Connection

The best way to find me on Facebook is you must first create your own profile...then locate Lisa Scott's FB profile (she gives a link on this website to the left of this post). Once linked with her, you can see her profile 'wall' page and see a particular post where I added her logo pic to this website and am sending her a message of 'thank you' for all she has done. Hint, I am wearing a ski cap in a black and white thumbnail pic. Somewhere in that post at the end I write that I go by the name 'The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl' on the 'allabouthim.com' website. If you cannot find me, simply ask Lisa or Barbara to help you contact me personally. I give my permission if you need to have it for them to hook us up so we can communicate. I tried, but I guess there is no way to do it here except through the message board. I read your posts from yesterday, only this morning, as my BF was on the computer late last night and I don't want him to know I read or post things here. I caught him keeping tabs on my web history via 'gmail accounts' (which have an extra application to do this)...so I am extra careful. This morning he got up early to take one of his sons to hockey practice. Usually he tosses on some sweats and doesn't care so much what he looks like this early...as usually there is no one to 'notice' him at 6:30 am at the ice-skating rink. BUT! This morning he put on a polo shirt with a nice sweater and his tight 'going out' jeans and boots (sexy)and took extra time doing his hair and shaving (all at 6am before he left)...and considering how he has been negative and critical of me once again...I can see he is in one of those 'hunting' modes for some extra fresh new supply and attention. There are some very attractive hockey moms that are single that will be there. I did not go this morning as I am home with his other son who has been coughing all night and not feeling well... Usually when I see him dress like this...I have come to know what it means...as on weekends at home for me...he NEVER gets all dressed up...or shaves for that matter...HE is on the 'make'...and I have gone from where this used to confuse and hurt me...to now being completely disgusted and I do not care. I wish I could get him a T-shirt with the words "WARNING" Child Abusing,Mother/Wife/GF abusing, LIAR/CHEATER on the prowl"...or tag his underwear somehow with a warning label. Not really funny though...not at all.
Dec 13 - 8AM (Reply to #23)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Girlfriend

BUT! This morning he put on a polo shirt with a nice sweater and his tight 'going out' jeans and boots (sexy)and took extra time doing his hair and shaving (all at 6am before he left)...and considering how he has been negative and critical of me once again...I can see he is in one of those 'hunting' modes for some extra fresh new supply and attention. You are still living with this creature? All spruced up by 6am huh, wow he must have a weekend f--k fest planned, lets see nice breakfast for the lucky victim, and then the seduction of pathological lies and bullshit, he sounds like a pimp like mine was, mine was never a flashy dresser he was jeans and black pull over top and docker shoes, simple but his mask and charm did the trick, he was very good looking, tall etc, but he is showing signs of age in his face, eyes puffy, wrinkles, arms getting flabby, a slight gut, but he is also 54 so that comes with it oh and a limp thing to go with it I call him Mr ED ha ha Strange when they are on the make how the GF gets ignored and neglected their minds are focused on one thing and they could care less about anything else including me the OW, even with me mine went through phases of ignoring me for weeks at a time, no calls, then out of the blue he calls and says hey where have you been, and tells me he was on vacation with his GF, and has been busy bla bla bla, ya right I dont think he was on vacation at all with the GF, he was doing his thing he would LIE and never tell me about his vacations he took until I figured out why he only called once a weeks with a short message I was already old supply to him he wanted to maintain but was busy getting fresh supply, he never wanted me yet he never wanted to lose me, he kept me stuck like that I was reserve supply I guess that he thought would always be there for him, so even their side relationships get ignored too but like you they do just enough to keep us around, their big rush is NEW P---y, the hunt, the thrill, then the kill, they get their victims to fall in love with them, and worship the ground they walk on, they inject them with a lethal dose of charm, promises and good sex which is all faked, that is the drug the are addicted to and when it wears off they are on to a new victim, nice huh? I hope when you see him as he walks out the door looking like a p---y magnet that he is sick and disgusting, dont let it hurt your heart, block it because you know whats in store for his next victim you arent missing a damn thing thinking he was giving the best to the OW, we ALL end up on the same pile Girlfriend, they do the same thing to all of us, you were that new drug once too just as I was and the next and the next, oh yes and they will cuddle with you and make you feel you are soooooo loved and special its all faked so their victims bond with them, THEY DONT BOND but the victims do. Give Barbara permission so I can get your Email address ok? I cant do facebook I am retarded I guess, I am sorry, talk to you soon
Dec 12 - 2PM
The Girlfriend ...
The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl's picture

Dear Cynthia, Betrayal is the same if you are a Wife/GF/OW

I can see so many commonalities in our posts Cynthia. With YOU and with others here too. The hurt is the same! And being his live-in common law wife/GF doesn't make things better at all. In fact, sometimes it can be worse. With a psychopath...'what you see'...is NOT 'what you get', as I know by now you understand. So that half million dollar house and a few 'trips' may seem special to the OW while she is wishing to be the one more permanently in his life ( from my perspective as the live-in GF/ common law 'wife' of an N, sometimes I am wishing with all my brokenheart that I could permanently escape this cycle and get my happiness, ID, dignity, self esteem and life back as I was before having ever met him) ...and what you don't see is that whatever appears to be going on within that 'nice home' and 'special relationship'...there is actually a woman (as sweet and as attractive as you are, even when he tells you differently to justify his cheating) a woman no less a sister to you, who is being controlled, abused, perhaps threatened and devalued who lives with the roller coaster of his whims and moods on a daily basis...which can be terribly destructive. There have been many times when I am smiling on the outside and crying on the inside. My heart has been dashed to pieces too many times to count now. He goes for several days, or sometimes weeks, and occasionally a month or two at a time where he is being 'loving' and I relax and start to sort-of quasi-trust him and try to believe his lies & promises that the OW didn't mean anything to him, that it was all sex...and how sorry he was for hurting me...and he will never do it again...all sweet lies...until the next time...and there is ALWAYS a next time... These guys are soooo destructive and sick. I wish the Other women who he chased and fooled into a relationship/quick affair/tryst would have contacted me and told me the truth. I think we women have lost the fine art of sticking together when it comes to men...and cheating...I have really appreciated your comments here and hope you will find my FB so we can connect and communicate more. I would like to know the things your N told you...about his GF, about all his 'promises'and how you guys would meet to be together...it would help me to know those things...and I would be happy to dispell the myths of the joy of being 'The live-in permanent GF Status' to help you see that it isn't such a proud position to be in...in fact...you are lucky! You escaped...and until I can figure out how to leave him (he becomes dangerous if he even THINKS I am considering it)... It isn't all it's cracked up to be...being 'The Girlfriend of Dr. Jekyl...especially when he is also MR. HYDE! xo
Dec 12 - 6PM (Reply to #18)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hi Girlfriend

I would like to know the things your N told you...about his GF, about all his 'promises'and how you guys would meet to be together...it would help me to know those things...and I would be happy to dispell the myths of the joy of being 'The live-in permanent GF Status' to help you see that it isn't such a proud position to be in.. I fussed around with the facebook and could not find you, I put in what you went under and nothing came up, so after 20 minutes of that my nerves said forget it. Ok I can tell you exactly what mine said about his GF, lets see... their relationship wasnt really going anywhere, that she wanted to go on a cruise with him but he said NO WAY I couldnt stay cooped up on a boat with her for a week straight, we had more in common that he and his GF did, she gets on his nerves, she is always at his house stuck like glue as he put it, he never said anything really BAD about her as our relationship progressed he started saying things like, my GF is open minded she wouldnt care if we all had a threesome, she would do you in a second, she isnt the jealous type at all, (ya right) he told me one time she found his cell phone bill and asked who I was, guess she found out who the number belonged to, and then she said, are you fucking her? That could be a lie who knows, several times he has answered when I called while she was THERE, and said hey how are you doing, (my N and I are adoptive 3rd cousins) he would say oh hi cousin when are you going to come down and visit us, Diane and I are just going out to dinner now as we speak, I CANT TELL YOU HOW HURT AND SHOCKED AT THAT STUNT HE PULLED, I could hear her in the background saying ya have her come up, I almost threw up, started shaking and hung up the phone. He can just tell her I am his cousin how convenient for him huh? We arent even related. Now as far as when we got together, here is the puzzler, he was always VERY VERY careful, she was out of town with family, or away or how bout this one, he went hunting for a day, met me at a hotel then went back to her for a nice home cooked meal. While she was cooking his dinner he was screwing me at a hotel 10 miles away. I always had to park my car away from the house a block so the neighbors would not suspect, Oh ya, we had sex in THEIR bed, he probably got off on that, if he was so careful in hiding me, hard for me to imagine they have an open relationship, he always called me when he was in his squad car on duty being the pillar to the community, you know rescuing kittens from trees, making sure the streets were safe, nobody was getting raped, get my drift? Calling me telling me how much he missed me, loved me, wished I were there to come home to that night, etc... Psychopathic bullshit. You werent the only one who got ED from your partner, so does the other woman afterawhile, I do remember him saying in the beginning he couldnt even have sex with his GF because all he thought about was me, and when I do have to have sex with her I pretend its you. (ya right) me and a hundred other women I am sure. THe longer I was with him the more I started thinking what the hell is he doing to his GF, if he doesnt love her why doesnt he leave instead of do this behind her back that was before I was educated on their pathology and inability to love or connect to anyone, he just kept telling me when things are right we can be together and all the other bullshit I was so stupid to believe. Well he is still with her now, and there is a reason he keeps her around, if he didnt want her you and I both know she would be discarded in a flash, I think she is convenient, and very very very brainwashed after being with him 8 years. They arent married, no engagement ring, just live together he said he would never get married to anyone. I hope he doesnt disgard her, but yet I hope he does because she doesnt deserve to be abused and either did I. Maybe they will live out the rest of their lives together I dont know, maybe he feels comfortable with her and at times I think maybe he loves her, ooops we wont go there. Its been hell releasing this man to the life he chooses, I had to let him go he is a very very very bad man that plays with peoples lives, he destroys lives and all we were guilty of was loving them. He can abuse his GF cheating with someone else behind her back, but it wont be me I dont want to be apart of that destruction it nearly destroyed me and it cost me dearly and I have paid my price for getting involved with such a horrible rotten person that can do that to someone, not to mention the fraud, betrayal, and emotional rape he did to me. Girlfriend as hard as it is to go NC, do we have a choice? Do we for one minute want to share our lives with someone like that, they have no values, morals, standards, pride, respect, honor, shame, NOTHING. We cant forget about the sick sex addiction either, do we want to live with a sex addict and all the baggage that comes with that disease? Look at Tiger Woods, all his money wont make him happy now will it? We truly win in the end as broken hearted as we are left by these monsters we can heal and rise above all the corruption its HELL getting there but its for a greater cause, its called humanity.
Dec 12 - 4PM (Reply to #17)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

tell me how to get on face book

I tried getting on and could not find your pic, tell me the steps, again, thanks so much I dont know too much about facebook and yes I would also like to talk with you further and I can tell you just how sneaky they are and how mine did it while living with another woman. But first I got to get on facebook so please guide me thru it, Talk to you soon - There are some days I just dont know if I will ever recover from this I have never experienced anything of such betrayal in my life how anyone is capable of doing such things to so many people, playing with peoples LIVES like this, anyway guide me thru facebook and I will talk further with you there NOW YOU ARE MY GIRLFRIEND, ha ha Linda
Dec 11 - 11AM
The Girlfriend ...
The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl's picture

Betrayal

Hi Lili124, You asked if anyone else had this same experience about their Nacisisst telling them one thing "you are the one' while doing another...'being on dating sites, lying and cheating.' Read my story in the 'Share Your Story' section under my name The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl, as you will probably find more similarities than you expected! What you describe is a common tactic of narcissists...they are ALWAYS on the 'make' and looking for more/fresh/different/extra/new 'supply' of ego stroking and validation. As far as I know a majority of them cheat...alot! And they can do so quite easily as many N's are attractive and very charming. Mine is always on the look-out for fresh supply. He is addicted to the thrill of the chase and the sex, as well as the validation. It hurts alot, but now a bit less as I come to find out that he has done this...not because of ME...or anything I don't do for him...but because it is part of his personality/character flaw 'malignant NPD'. DON'T DO WHAT I HAVE DONE. If I had it to do over again...I would have left and stayed gone the very first sign when I found out he was on other dating sites (even though we were living together by then) and that he had been doing this and lying/cheating all along. Dealing with his behavior and the damage he has done...has NOT been worth it. If you stay, don't be like me and think he will stop...he will just get better at hiding it. Before he does D & D and hurts you even more...don't give him the chance...GO! RUN! Run away as fast and as far as you can. He WILL NOT change...at least permanently. He WILL get worse. Read my story, maybe it will help you see things before it is too late. xo
Dec 12 - 7PM (Reply to #15)
lili124
lili124's picture

Girlfriend thank you so much

Girlfriend thank you so much for sharing your story. Sounds so much like mine. I am trying to get healthy but the only way you can do that is have no communcation at all. It always has to be about them. Thanks again.
Dec 12 - 7PM (Reply to #14)
lili124
lili124's picture

Girlfriend thank you so much

Girlfriend thank you so much for sharing your story. Sounds so much like mine. I am trying to get healthy but the only way you can do that is have no communcation at all. It always has to be about them. Thanks again.
Dec 11 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Girlfriend

I read your whole story today in detail over and over, yours sounds sooo much like mine, I dont know if mine has ever been physically violent but I know they are all quite capable. Mine is a sheriff so he probably knows better if he wants to keep his job. Interesting I found that even when they LIVE with the girlfriends day in and day out they can keep this unbelievable act up, and the girlfriend thinks she has hit the jackpot. I always thought it was the side victims that were destroyed in the end, but sometimes it takes many years for the girlfriend also to see who they really are. If they arent caught they can keep his act up indefinately making it appear you are just the perfect happy couple. Strange the books say they are NOT mentally ill, but highly disturbed, huh whats the difference I ask? They can function, have good jobs, be quite successful and wealthy, but look what they do behind their mask, they are the sickest f---ing people on the planet if you ask me. Mine did the same thing with his GF, she had her home and he had his and they lived together off and on either at her place or his, then she moved in with him when he built his new home, but I bet you anything she still has her house, now if that isnt strange I dont know what is. I used to be extremely hurt and feel rejected thinking he chose the GF over me for a life together, I am waaaaaay past that oh the promises he made to me, you should have heard them, after reading your story I truly now understand NO GIRLFRIEND or any WOMAN is more special to them, just because they live with them means NOTHING, only what it appears to be to others, they always prowl, hurt and search for the next victim so they dont have to use their hand all the time for fantasy. Your sounds like the same sick SOB that I was involved with, very slick, very conning, and very very smooth. I used to lay in bed and cry (last year) wondering the life they had and she was with him and how I wish I could have been her instead of just his side whore but we were all one of the same, I too experienced his ED, probably because he was spent from his hand or because It wasnt sick enough to turn him on, mine always wanted group sex, DID YOURS EVER TRY TO GET YOU TO DO THAT? JUST WONDERED, or do they keep their GF's out of that, I guess it depends on the girl and if she would be willing to share that with him and have an open relationship. Either way its sick - YES YES YES, the deception and betrayal is what destroyed me in the end, these men arent just playboys these men destroy people with sick mind brainwashing, I would have more respect for a playboy who would come out and say, hey no strings attached then what these bastards do, its RAPE, while you are making love with them and thinking they are loving you back and you have meaning to them, NONE OF ITS TRUE, WE WERE NOTHING TO THEM just someone to come home to so they arent alone is what I think it boils down to, a girlfriend they can use, abuse, brainwash for their convenience. When you cheat on your partner that is abuse and the lying and manipulation is all brainwashing. Sorry you were inflicted with the same sick SOB that nearly destroyed my life as well. THEY ARE SCUM and Girlfriend we will rise above this and we will one day recover from the hell we were put through. I hope one day when we look back on them that we will know in our hearts we escaped a sick life, but first that heart has to heal.
Dec 12 - 4PM (Reply to #13)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Cynthia - Group Sex

Funny you mention group sex. My N convinced his ex-W of 20 years to go with him to a group sex place. A man must bring a woman. But a woman can go alone. I made clear that I would never do that & I was not interested in such things. Frankly, I think after approximatley 2 years of marriage my N was starting with sexual degradation. Trying to wrest certain concessions out of me with certain kinds of clothing. I said no. He was very angry. Anyhow I left shortly there after. But I think this was the beginning of his sexual degradation of me. Clothes I felt uncomfortable in. Getting me to make that concession. Then the next notch up & the next . . . maybe after a few years it might have been group sex. Who knows? Don't care. I escaped.
Dec 12 - 7AM (Reply to #11)
The Girlfriend ...
The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl's picture

Dear Cynthia

You are on target Girl! I am proud of you for NOT being with your EX jerk N. I can see you have had a very hurtful time of it. Your N was not only a lying cheating perverted creep...but being a police officer, he was in a position to use some sort of authority or appear to be an authority and one of the guys we are taught to believe by virtue of his profession as 'a good guy'...someone to trust. I think this makes things even more difficult to sort through and to figure him out. But in the end, he is a Narcisisst just the same...like every other...except for his job title. MY N BF has actually said he always thought he would make a good policeman and had wished he had been one. I think positions like this attract many types...but especially a narcissist. I'm sure your N BF was not the only one like this on the force. Yes, from the perspective of the unaware live-in GF...it actually feels pretty much the same as the feelings you have processed. The hurt, disbelief...and all of it! I know that it has been said by others that the OW should NOT tell the wife or GF of the N. But I disagree, at least for me. I appreciated the one gal who had the respect for me to let me know my BF was contacting her and had been asking her out. I was never mad at her. His ex-wife nevr told me about his true ways...until after I found out and called her...which led to a very tearful heart to heart conversation and more understanding of how he really is. I like his EX-wife, we are allies behind the scenes. We don't disparage him on a regular basis, but we ARE there for each other if ever necessary...and she knows what I have put up with. I wish his other women...or the gals he cheated with had let me know. There was one gal who called me...and she seemd to want to tell me something...but in the end she just 'hinted' and hung up...and I never actually knew who she was. (and of course he denied it) There were many others..who I DID find out about...if only one of them had actually come to me and told me what a lowdown lying cheating DOG my N BF was...I may have been more successful at leaving him...long before my self esteem and self respect had taken such hard blows...making it that much harder to get out from under his 'spell'. One of his male co-workers took me aside one day to 'hint' about things. He told me that my BF has a whole bevy of admiring female coworkers (all about between 10-20 years younger than he is)and that all of them would give anything to be the 'lucky one' who 'had' him. He asked me if my BF and I were 'happy'...and hinted that my BF often took one or two of his special female coworkers to lunch and on walks in the park. GREAT! Trust me, it is just as hard and painful being the GF. We don't get the extra 'perks' that his OW might think or wish for. WE get the abuse! Bigtime! He no longer romances the GF he lives with...he finds fault with her and devalues her when he is having an affair...and it is the OW who gets his attention. He finds reasons NOT to have sex, tells his GF she needs to lose 10 pounds...etc. and he falls asleep on the couch on a regular basis...when he is in a relationship with the OW. It hurts! You suspect...but he denies...and lies and lies and lies... It is the GF who gets beaten, who gets virtually NOTHING for Christmas, except last minute tickets to the theater in a plain envelope, who has her Birthday completely 'forgotten'...while he is in the throws of 'lust/love' with the other woman. The GF is just another form of supply just like you imagined (only she is no longer primary supply...she is now reduced to secondary)...it is NOT better for her...she does NOT get the best of him...it only may appear that way on the outside looking in. She is the one he tells his OW about in negative terms (ie. "she doesn't like sex, she doesn't appreciate me, I am trying to break up with her", etc.) All unbeknown to HER. Finding this stuff out hurts terribly! The lies...the betrayal...all the same. Just like you have come to know that his 'good guy' persona was not real...neither is his 'happy relationship persona'... I am so sorry you have been hurt so badly by this idiot N BF of yours. I am so glad you are NC! Stay strong. Perhaps someday I will be as stong as you and be able to leave him and remain NC longer than 2 months. Find Lisa's FB profile and add her as a 'friend'. I wrote on her wall (and in the post I mention that I go by the name ' The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl'...you will be able to see my pic...and when you find me let me know it is you and add me as a friend too if you like. ...you are so right when you said in the end of your post above mine..."first that heart has to heal"
Dec 12 - 9AM (Reply to #12)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank you

for such an awakening description of being the GF. You are wise in knowing and understanding that while other women chase them there are still OW who dont, mine came after me full force, I wasnt looking to get involved with a man that was in a relationship, when he expressed they werent married and the relationship wasnt really going anywhere it almost sounded as if she didnt mean that much to him and they had problems. The truth be known she really doesnt mean that much to him for if she was so special he wouldnt be a sexual predator abusing her and destroying other women behind her back. These types hold no value with anyone, when I look at his life I see a wealthy, good looking fraud who lives for status, power, control and he will stop at nothing to achieve the sick and immoral sex from his illness that he must have. Here is a funny one for ya, if his GF ever caught him cheating she would walk in on NOT ONE woman but probably a GROUP of people male and female, how would you like to catch your partner cheating like that? I strongly suspect his GF and him have had some group encounters, she probably does it for him, but I also KNOW he does ALOT more behind her back because I am proof, he went to extremes to always hide me, making sure I parked my car far away, etc. I NEVER participated in what he wanted me to do, watch another man F me as he said, watched another man come all over me while he jerked him off, it was endless the sick things he wanted me to do, he begged me to have sex with he and his GF, he would say she is open minded, no she isnt open minded she is brainwashed by a man that keeps her in a half million dollar home of ill repute, takes her on a few nice vacations a year so she will stick around, she is being kept by money and brainwashing by a sick psychopath. But I always remember what Barbara tells us, there is NO LOVE in their relationships it only appears that way they fake it for years and years and years, as long as the relationship is convenient to them they stay in it, how would you like to be in a relationship because you are CONVENIENT? What happened to love, trust, caring, devotion, all the things most humans value. I want to write you more so keep checking under this post, I have to get some chores done but I have more thoughts I wanted to share with you, I will go under Lisas facebook and find you later tonight, you have helped me so much to see things more clearly, thank you for taking the time to reach out to me, talk to you later - Linda
Dec 9 - 10PM
lili124
lili124's picture

Thank you all who posted

Thank you all who posted your comments. This has helped me so much. I know I deserve so much better than this. He is definitely a loser.
Dec 9 - 8AM
LAex
LAex's picture

Walk away and go no contact.

Walk away and go no contact. You do not deserve the treatment or the emotional turmoil caused by him. My guess would be that he is on more than match.com and regardless of whether he is "just looking," "wanting a pen pal," "exchange photos," "casual relationship".... he is treating you badly and will continue to do so. You deserve better! Go get it.
Dec 8 - 9PM
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Save yourself

From yrs of heartache & turmoil! If i could do it all over again, I'd leave him so quick it would make his head spin! Get the satisfaction of leaving him first before he leaves you cos he will leave u for new supply sooner or later....
Dec 8 - 7PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Don't waste your time

"I am thinking I should play along and confront him about this." Now why would you do that? Why waste your time? Now you know what he is--a player & a liar & a cheater. "it seems like they want to cause drama" Yep. DRAMA QUEENS!!! If you confront him, you just give him a wonderful stage for him to exercise his skills for drama. And, beware, some Ns can become very dangerous & nasty when confronted. If you really want to hurt an N -- Vanish. Leave him. Leave him fast. No discussions. No Contact. If you want to save your sanity & your dignity. Same formula. Leave. NC.
Dec 9 - 1AM (Reply to #5)
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

Yes - the less info he has the more paranoid he'll become :)

"If you really want to hurt an N -- Vanish. Leave him. Leave him fast. No discussions. No Contact. If you want to save your sanity & your dignity. Same formula. Leave. NC." Yep. Make his head spin.
Dec 8 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

I agree with the Vanish Method

What a low life that thinks he can pull a big one over on you. Don't put up with it. This is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what he is doing behind your back. Drama,,oh they love to stir it up so you f--ck yourself over. Personally, professionally, with your family, friends. They are very destructive, and yes, dangerous. They are tricksters. They think they are players, but ther are really low lifes. Hard to see,,when they tell you "oh honey, I love you" They know that this breaks you down so they continue to do it like a 2 year old child who cries all the time for what they want. Fake Tears. They don't mean it when they say it to you. It is just another tool they pull out on you to work you over. Fact the facts. Get out now. No explaination. Just do not seek him out, talk to him, look at him, txt him call him. It will only stunt your growth, and happiness by the way.
Dec 8 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

we'll ALL been betrayed here

Leave now and go NO CONTACT immediately. IMMEDIATELY. If he's not a Narc, at the least he's an abusive loser. RUN SCREAMIN'!!!! ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Dec 9 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
4joys4
4joys4's picture

The only thing you should do

The only thing you should do is walk away with no contact. No. RUN away! Don't expend any energy on this creep. You want to be healthier than that.