1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. The Path Forward Forum
  5. A bit confused about my future

A bit confused about my future

22 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Mar 26 - 1PM
Mariline
Mariline's picture

A bit confused about my future

Dear girls,

I do not write much, but I read all of you every day.
Seven months have passed. I look around me. I did not die as I thought. I actually live in a better apartment : I decided to do the moving to have a new start and it was definitely a good idea. I have got a new cat, she is absolutely gorgeous
:-))) and my son is happy. By the way, all the teachers of my son KEEP telling me how my son has improved this year at school, how he is happier and bright. This year his mum is no more focused on ....him. And it shows.
I came back to my faith which actually saved my life. I have attended a Biblical school course and I got good grades. I will finish my first year in June. I have met new caring people, two very special friends. I am a candidate in the next administrative elections in my little village. I have worked without missing a day : I even put on for my little pupils a drama at school based on "The Three Mosqueteers" which was a big success.
I am planning my vacation. A working one, as money is tight. My ex husband will have my son for some weeks and I will be on holiday from work, and I dread this-lonely and no work. I have sent applications here and there, my dream is to fly and work in Israel. I have tried the SarEl but I am too old for the kibbutz program :-(((

But basically this evening I am...not sad, just a bit of melancholy. Sometimes I think we all here are overreacting. They are really hollow and SICK. They cannot love not even feel joy. What on earth are we doing here always speaking of these beasts, we should think to our lives!
But I think also that I am not dating. I do not WANT to date. Is this normal? I had permanent on my hair yesterday :-) a spring's folly. Everyone keeps telling me how nice I am looking. And I do not want to date.
Something in me is changed for ever.

And I hate this thought. I have already explained that he stole what he could from me. My thought and my diary, my body and my feelings...he has stolen everything. I feel deprived and I feel outraged. He even did it again, carcking my email and facebook profile for the second time less than a month ago.
He obviously is not happy of my NO CONTACT decision.
My faceook profile now is even richer than before: the police report on him has changed number-my solicitor has explained to me it means that MY report has been clearly ADDED to other ones already existing on him. He is being investigated and is unaware of it. Thay have evidences, otherwise, in my country legal sysyem, everything would have already been archived. It works this way here. It is slow, painfully slow, but it works. I will get my justice.

But somehow it is not enough.

Why do I feel this way? Please help me. I am 40. Will I really love again? Or is this a lie I keep telling myself?
Why do I feel this way? Why do I STILL allow him to make me feel this way?

God, help all of us.

Mar 27 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I'll do the translations!

As an ex-comedy writer, comedienne and now 'coach' I love doing this. The women who I talk to always tell me "But he said XYZ" and I think about it and say "Oh that really means ABC" - sometimes if I can get them laughing (the TRUTH is always the funniest material) not only does it help them calm down but it does help them get a peek behind the mask and sweet words. ~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, the most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They keep fellow abusers, gossips & enabling lackeys close. They despise the principled & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation!" - A. Valerious
Mar 27 - 11PM (Reply to #21)
better off
better off's picture

You need a sound effect of a

You need a sound effect of a straw making that sucking sound at the bottom of an almost empty cup.
Mar 26 - 9PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Progress not Perfection

Yes, something in you does change forever. You never fully heal from them but you can adapt and make a new life for yourself. Even if you don't find love again, that's not NECESSARY for you to be happy. I am Jewish too and wonder if you have looked into the Jewish Agency for Israel to make aliyah? http://www.jewishagency.org/JewishAgency/English/Aliyah/Aliyah+Info I have a dear friend who is a Rabbi who fought with the IDF during the 7-day war and I could see if he knows of any organizations to help adults make aliyah. Let me know. ~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, the most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They keep fellow abusers, gossips & enabling lackeys close. They despise the principled & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation!" - A. Valerious
Mar 27 - 1AM (Reply to #7)
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Dearest Barbara, thank you

Dearest Barbara, thank you for your reply. I am not Jewish, I am simply someone who has always loved Israel. I have been there many times and I love that country and whatever it takes: its history, its situation. I have many friends there and whenever I go there I go back strengthened and refreshed. It is a special place in the world and somehow it is also a bit my place. When I am at the Wall and I put my hands on those stones. I can feel what anybody is there can feel : that overwhelming sense of peace and holiness. I felt it also last summer, and spoke of my N to God. He told me exactly in my heart : NO. A big, flat NO. I fought with my Lord at the wall. I told Him, oh I love him so much, Father! I remember that feeling. HE knew. (Sorry, just speaking about my faith......may seem nonsense but it is not). I have left anything to Him, on those stones which carry the weight of the world. He is operating and I know it. I would just like to have a working vacation, or volunteering anywhere, just to be there alone with myself, in that wonderful country. Do you really know someone who fought in the 6 days war! OMG, how much I would be thrilled and honoured to speak with him. But I have also asked to the SarEl Italy and maybe they will call me for doing backpacking for the soldiers. I am praying so much on it. Thank you also, Barbara , for what you are doing too. You are gorgeous. (((((HUGS))))) Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. (Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International)
Mar 27 - 6AM (Reply to #8)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I will still ask my Rabbi

I will still ask my Rabbi buddy. Might be a very good opportunity for you to go volunteer or spend a month or two there. Gorgeous? Um.... ok. LOL ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, the most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They keep fellow abusers, gossips & enabling lackeys close. They despise the genuine, principled & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation!" - A. Valerious
Mar 28 - 8AM (Reply to #18)
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Thank you dear Barbara,

Thank you dear Barbara, that's so kind of you. My email is : [email protected] Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. (Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International)
Mar 28 - 2PM (Reply to #19)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mariline

My rabbi buddy is much more observant about Shabbos than I am. I will talk to him Sunday or Monday! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, the most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They keep fellow abusers, gossips & enabling lackeys close. They despise the principled & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation!" - A. Valerious
Mar 27 - 10AM (Reply to #9)
sashaines (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Gorgeous is as gorgeous does!

You ARE gorgeous Barbara - certainly for all of us here. Thank you. You bring in other links and info that is expanding and VALIDATING. Marilin reminded me of something that happened in the middle of my wild affair with my last Narc. His best friend - or friend of long-standing as I'm not sure these golems even have 'best friends' - male, female or otherwise - leaned over to me in the crowded, loud bar where I was able to meet my married Narc and said, "Sarah, you are smarter than this! He (the Narc) hypnotizes women and toys with them. He doesn't really care about you." I was so stunned that I slunk out of the bar in tears, wretching and sobbing on the short drive home. No one who knew 'him' for so long had ever confronted me this way and I knew 'his' friend (NOT a Narc as it turns out - I guess there are a few out there!?) was right. (My Narc had already 'bragged' about having studied hypnotism in his youth and admitted he did it to sway people to his way, whether in business or in 'romance'. And I STILL DIDN'T GET IT!!!!!!!!) When I saw my Narc the next day, he said he didn't even realize I had left. (He was/is a heavy drinker and does black-out often, though I think he was lying. He just wouldn't admit to having 'missed' me...) Anywho, I love the article about victimization and re-victimization. I've mentioned that I live in Swamp Yankee territory which cuts one NO SLACK and little compassion and does indeed have a 'blame the victim' sort of mindset. And since my suicide attempt? People either ignore me or walk on eggshells. I stay in a lot. Barbara, I need you to talk me out of something?.... I LOVE your signature paragraph re 'Patholigicals' and keep thinking of sending it - just that, nothing more - to my exN, but of course that would be me initiating contact. I know he either wouldn't respond or would respond with something nasty - and then feel great to know I'm thinking of him at all................... You know what? I think I just talked myself out of it. But thanks anyway!! I know I tend to go on (which is a narcissitic trait - ARGH!!), but I just want to share that, since 'joining' up with this group of SURVIVORS, I had a thought hit me. We FEEL MORE and ARE MORE, internally and otherwise, in the first 15 minutes we're up every morning than 'they' do in a lifetime. WE suffer so because we HAVE SUBSTANCE. I'll take that any day over being the empty chimera that they are doomed to always be. Love to you all, Sas
Mar 27 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Sashaines

My Narc had already 'bragged' about having studied hypnotism in his youth and admitted he did it to sway people to his way, whether in business or in 'romance'. And I STILL DIDN'T GET IT!!!!!!!! OMG - Sandra Brown talks about this in a whole chapter of WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS called 'Trance, Suggestion & Hypnosis' (i think?) You have GOT to get it. My last P is an award winning marketing person in NYC and he'd go on about Leon Festinger's "CONFUSION TECHNIQUE" - which is part of what pathologicals DO! get that book! Barbara, I need you to talk me out of something?.... I LOVE your signature paragraph re 'Patholigicals' and keep thinking of sending it - just that, nothing more - to my exN, but of course that would be me initiating contact.You know what? I think I just talked myself out of it. But thanks anyway!! Why throw pearls before swine? I tried to educate my ex NH and look what happened... (I wrote about it before) I got a book in the head. Same with exP - he called all sorts of foul names and posted b.s. about me all over the net. No Contact. He'll just use it to say you still care about him and are obsessed & scorned. FEH! See, you didn't need me to use your common sense. Which is another HUGE step away from his mind control! Please remember a certain amount of HEALTHY NARCISSISM is necessary for us to develop into adults. So STOP STOP STOP looking for N traits in yourself. A small amount mixed with empathy for other is NORMAL! It's when that Nism becomes all encompassing and exploits others that it becomes NPD and destructive & incurable. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, the most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They keep fellow abusers, gossips & enabling lackeys close. They despise the principled & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation!"- A. Valerious
Mar 27 - 2PM (Reply to #11)
better off
better off's picture

Agreed. They aren't even

Agreed. They aren't even speaking the same language we are. No point in telling them anything. I figure, if I confronted my N...he'd either get off on it, or just deny deny deny and say I was crazy and obsessed with him. Or both. Or worst of all, apologize and suck me back in for a while. The hypnotic/trance stuff in the book scared the shit out of me. SO true. And when I met him for that one weekend and kind of panicked, boy did he turn the "stare" on me. I will NEVER forget the way he was looking at me. Now I can imagine it like a cat, with its tail flicking back and forth. Because after..you know..and we were just hanging out he totally quit doing it. Once I was safely in the palm of his hand.
Mar 27 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

Ladies

Oh yeah. The "stare". What a great description. He would do that, then reach across the table and take my hand, while I felt vulnerable and embarrased at all the attention. "I want to take care of you." "You are so beautiful and kind. Do you know how much I love you?" Yeah, hard hard hard not to fall for those lines, isn't it? CM
Mar 27 - 3PM (Reply to #13)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

The Stare

Oh yeah - the blank serpentine-stare, which we mistake for INTENSITY. The psychopath’s stare has its own allure and may be effective in the early luring stages. Many women, before they knew he was a psychopath, thought it was sexy. The stare has its own connection to trance induction. Even trained hypnotists say “Stare into my eyes.” The early parts of the luring and honeymoon stage are a great time for eye gazing with the psychopath. There really is something to the psychopath’s stare. Dr. Reid Melloy, in his book, 'Violent Attachments' says that women and men have noted the psychopath’s unusual and unnerving stare. He referred to the stare as a “relentless gaze that seems to preclude the psychopath’s destruction of his victim or target.” It’s also often referred to as The Reptilian Gaze because of its primitive predatory look. Dr. Robert Hare, author of 'Without Conscience' and primary researcher on psychopathy referred to the psychopath’s gaze as “intense eye contact and piercing eyes” and even suggested that people avoid having consistent eye contact with them. Other writers refer to it as a “laser beam stare” or an “empty hypnotic look.” Our women labeled the gaze, “intense,” “sensual,” “disturbing” and intrusive.” Women have also described his look as invasive, intimidating… looking them up and down like an animal. Women mistook it for a sexual once-over when in all likelihood it was more predatory than that. Eye gazing as trance induction means that the words that follow the induction are seared in her mind with much more meaning and lasting power. Eye to eye locks, in which the psychopath strokes her face and leads her into a slight trance state saying, “You are the most giving woman… you have given me what no one else has given. I know that you will always give to me this way and that we will be together forever. I know you would never hurt me, or leave me, or lie to me, or cheat…” are the hypnotic handcuffs that keep her locked to him. Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS ~~~~~~~ It's not that hard when you realize there's as much feeling behind "I love you" as "we need more toilet paper." It's all a lure. A LURE. I love to do Ntranslations, so here you go cassiemay: "I want to take care of you." I want to use, abuse and throw you away. That's my idea of CARE. I will "take care" of your selfhood and self-esteem by stomping it into the ground. "You are so beautiful and kind. Do you know how much I love you?" You are so gullible and nice. You probably can't even imagine there are animals like me out there. I have you completely fooled. I "love" that I am gonna have a great time turning your soul into mulch. How's that? REMEMBER - JUDGE them ALWAYS ALWAYS by their ACTIONS - NEVER EVER by their WORDS!! ~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, the most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They keep fellow abusers, gossips & enabling lackeys close. They despise the principled & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation!"- A. Valerious
Mar 27 - 3PM (Reply to #14)
better off
better off's picture

"You're the most beautiful

"You're the most beautiful person I've ever met...this week." And now I'm going to suck the life out of you. Sluuuuuuurrrrrrp....
Mar 27 - 11PM (Reply to #16)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

better off

After the slurp, all we'd need is the Narc looking in a mirror to watch himself BELCH! LOL! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, the most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They keep fellow abusers, gossips & enabling lackeys close. They despise the principled & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation!" - A. Valerious
Mar 27 - 11PM (Reply to #17)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

You got it, Barbara!

You got it, Barbara! You be in charge of the translations. You are hilarious and they are brilliant. So funny and yeah, on the show, we can incorporate sound effects! :)
Mar 27 - 11PM (Reply to #15)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Hilarious!

Ok, the Narc Translations are hilarious! I'm putting this in my notes as a weekly segment. Who wants to be in charge of this one? I love it!
Mar 26 - 7PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Mariline

Hi Mariline, First of all, congratulations on moving on and re-creating a better life for you and your son. That's huge and you should be so proud of yourself! You remind me of something my ex-husband will say to me whenever he gets an opportunity, "Why don't you move on with your life. Get over it already." The thing is that is not what this is about at all. Believe me, I'm over him. It is not healthy to live in the past. I'm all about living in the present. It's the only way to true happiness. We learn from every experience in life. We've all been through a lot of pain, but there's no reason it should be for nothing! It makes me feel good to build awareness on narcissism because I hope by doing this people will recognize a narcissist before they get involved....before they get hurt. If we can't reach them before that, then I want to be there for them when they realize they're in love with a fraud who is manipulative and abusive. Then I want to be there for them when they try to break free from a narcissist because I know how hard it is, but as you can attest to, how important it is to do. You are so much happier now and your story will inspire someone in the midst of an abusive relationship with a narcissist to break free. That is what this site is about and what motivates me to come here every day and check-in with everyone. We can relate to one another in a way no can understand unless they have been through it themselves. We don't need to explain it to each other. We just "get it." Obsessing is a natural part of getting over any relationship. Would you rather vent and obsess to people who do not understand what you're talking about and are sick of hearing about it or would you rather go somewhere where you know you'll be understood. Sorry for rambling, but just wanted to explain my reason for doing this. I'm not stuck, but I know for awhile I was stuck and I want to help people get un-stuck. More importantly, congratuations again on all you have accomplished in seven months. You should be proud of yourself! Best, Lisa
Mar 27 - 1AM (Reply to #3)
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Dearest Lisa, you are right,

Dearest Lisa, you are right, I wrote bad and I could be misunderstood. I never meant that what you are doing here is useless or somewy not right. I come here every single day and I read it all. Your forum and what I read literally helped to save my life and sanity. It is very important what you do here. But sometimes I think thay want attention and we are giving it to them. It makes me furious. We cannot even heal without giving them something. It is anger what I expressed. I thought : we should be able to live without even thinking of them! But I never meant to diminish what you are doing. I never meant to think for one single second it is not important. It is. It is noble, it is helpful. It is whatever they are not. Please understand what I really meant and do not let THEM spoil what we all are sharing. First of all with you who are the funder of all this. (((((HUGS)))) Please forgive me. Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. (Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International)
Mar 27 - 11PM (Reply to #5)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Mariline

Oh, no worries, Mariline! Sorry for the delay in responding, but I've been in the studio all day and just catching up with all of you now. Thank you for your note, but I didn't take what you said in a negative way at all and was not offended in any way, shape or form. Thanks for being so sensitive to my feelings. Shows how caring and compassionate you are, which is why you were the perfect victim for a narc. Thanks again!
Mar 27 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Mariline

Oh, no worries, Mariline! Sorry for the delay in responding, but I've been in the studio all day and just catching up with all of you now. Thank you for your note, but I didn't take what you said in a negative way at all and was not offended in any way, shape or form. Thanks for being so sensitive to my feelings. Shows how caring and compassionate you are, which is why you were the perfect victim for a narc. Thanks again!
Mar 26 - 2PM
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

marilin

Oh sweetheart, Good for you for moving and moving on! I am so happy you are feeling, for the most part, better. Completely understand the old thoughts and obssesing. You're right, we wouldn't be on this site if we weren't all coping with some of that. But....I find it healing just because I feel understood. And it is Amazing, is it not, that this is a group of well-educated, smart, insightful women! YES. YOU WILL FIND LOVE AGAIN. You may not feel like dating and that's ok and normal. We need to heal ourselves first and that takes time. However much you need. You'll know when you're ready. These experiences Do change us. If they didn't we wouldn't be able to grow. Give yourself time and try to have faith that things Will get better. You still feel this way because you have been through hell and back. Now That takes some time to settle. I have begun to realize just how Much trauma is truly involved in this process. It is worse than having them die because we are left not only with abandonment and dissilusion but also rejection. If they had just died in an accident it would be So Much Easier. I am so thankful for this site and all the support I receive here. Please be patient with yourself and do something for your vacation that you really want to do. It may be just staying home and taking naps and going out to eat some fabulous foods. Whatever feels right to YOU. Whatever YOU need. xxoo CM