Bitchy Benefits and Mean Mommy - No Soft Boundaries

It seems like for most of my life I have worried about being "A Bitch". I doubt that I'm the only one, and I assume that many of you can relate to that concern. I really struggled with it in my 20s. Over time it became less concerning. Still, it troubles me.

It seems like it's such a character flaw for a woman to be "mean" or "harsh" or "bitchy". The EXNH-Psychopath railed against me and accused me of being Harsh with our children (in court documents -- while to my face when I was the sole caretaker in our home, I was the best mother in the world, so great with the children, blah blah blah, manipulate manipulate, manipulate.) Umm - aren't children supposed to think their mother is "mean" sometimes? Isn't that part of parenting? Fussing? Insisting? Because I SAID SO? Right now? I mean it? I'm their Mother, for crying out loud.

So, here I am, identified as having "Soft Boundaries" that got me into this mess -- I totally agree. The reason everything "Went to Hell" is because I stopped taking the crap from EXNH-Psychopath and LEFT HIM. Then I stood up to Family Member, and all Hell Broke Loose, and Family Member went and teamed up with Psychopath to destroy me. Yeah, right.

So, here I stand. I have learned that my Soft Boundaries have caused me trouble. I'm not interested in soft boundaries. One of the many reasons that I left him (I was planning on my escape & had to leave earlier than my plan because my life was in danger - that's what can happen when you stop taking the Psychopath's crap and stand up to them.) One of the many reasons I left was because I was approaching 40, and I just didn't want to give him another decade to consume and ruin.

So, here I am now, 40. Here's my story of the day. This is about being a BITCH and what it can do for you.

I'm out this morning, scouting a neighborhood where I'm looking to buy a house. I know there is a house on this street that just went up for sale, but there's not a sign in the yard yet. I pull over. Behind me comes a car. I'm looking on my phone for the listing, and I put on my hazards to indicate to the car behind me that he should pass. He does. I'm aware that people are leery of cars "casing out" their neighborhood. He circles back. I know he's going to speak to me to make sure I'm no crook -- trust me, I look like a soccer mom, so does my vehicle, but still.) So, he pulls up next to me, old guy, and says:

OG: (harsh and suspicious) You got a problem?

Me: No - Do YOU Have a problem?

(He is immediately taken aback - his attempt to bully me has been challenged. He reassesses me.)

OG: No. I saw you had your hazards on and I wondered if you needed help.

Me: -- the conversation was pleasant from this point forward. my theory : I established myself as a force to be reckoned with. I wasn't going to take crap. I wasn't going to cower. R E S P E C T. Now I can be friendly and pleasant - with an edge - because I won't be bullied. Thank you very much.

The Old Guy is allowed to be protective of his home and property and that of his neighbors. I'm allowed to make it clear that I will not take crap from him. Mutual understanding. I'm not a pushover. He's clear of that now. If we become neighbors - that will be a good thing.

Meanwhile, after fussing at my children this morning, my son tells me that Daddy almost never gets angry. Great.

I'm thinking: So now, I'm compared with Daddy - and Daddy is nicer. Yes. Your father PAYS you to do the chores that I simply require you to do as part of this household. Your father gets you to school consistently late. You come home from your father's consistently exhausted. Your homework isn't done. You don't have lunch money. Your father is a real winner -- and I suck. I'm a bitch. And my insides get all torn up -- will my children choose HIM? will he WIN this game he insists on playing? Parenting by manipulation? Yay him!