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Yesterday I felt worse than　I have ever felt.　

I felt super angry and deleted my twitter account and instagram account. NC is truly the only way forward but I am participating in my own hurt by looking at his page where he has declared his OW and mailed me into the bargain to tell me how wonderful supportive she is and how (despite telling me he had committed to a no relationship pledge in therapy) she UNLIKE ME gives him support and he has NEVER FELT SO CONNECTED to anyone.

NARCspeak= I was only triggered by you but I feel calm with her

i.e Everything is your fault beacuse you are crazy/ can`t let me go etc Who is the one telling me you still love me then telling me a day later there is a new GF????

But I finally understand - trying to understand why is keeping me stuck, believing ANYTHING he says is keeping me STUCK, allowing myself to read mails and look at twitter is KEEPING ME STUCK.

My unhealthy part says :( why couldn`t he understand the support I gave why can`t he see me as I am? because HE DID and he TRIED TO DESTROY that precisely because I did love him.

The healthy part says: He used me, lied to me, triangulated me (was still sending me mails goodbye/ no I still love you). I got so far with NC but was still reading and now I know now it has to be EVERYTHING gone.

ONLY I CAN DECIDE ONLY I CAN STOP LETTING HIM GET TO ME, and ONLY I CAN LEARN TO BELIEVE MYSELF MY PERCEPTIONS NOT HIS

I am Happy that this new year has finally shown me in order to heal I have to choose, I have to choose ME and I have to understand I could never be with the kind of man who lies and find pleasure in hurting people. I am so much more than that.

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Thank you God for showing me this and for amazing friends who can tell me the truth that I couldn`t hear, because I did not want to face who he was.It felt so heart breaking to believe the worst but staying in denial is more dangerous.

Thanks for all the stories here too reading them gives me renewed resolution.