Breaking UP* EX & Me Therapy Appt

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#1 Jul 18 - 1PM
BadaBing
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Breaking UP* EX & Me Therapy Appt

Hi

I have decided to ask EX to attend therapy with me on Thursday to finally end it for good and discuss whatever we both need to discuss and get it over with!!

I feel like this is a safe choice for me that achieves a few positive things for us both

This is not couples therapy to work it out this is to end it and for us to be able to communicate in a clear way with assistance from professional.

After he got out of jail he sent me some very, very mean messages cussing at me and taking his anger out on me he has been so out of control (Journey you were right!) and I don't want to be around him or for him to show up at my place while he is in that mind set!

he liked the idea of meeting me on Thursday & has calmed him down but I am afraid he will have an expectation of that meeting and what it means for us.

He and I will not ever come to agree about what is best but I want to have the chance to tell him my reasons why I don't want to try anymore and I want to show him how his actions have affected me and I want to discuss how his anger and outbursts make me feel!

is this realistic? I don't know!

The end result will be to break up.

*going to therapy to break up? yes! I hope so! didn't I already move out ? I just need some help here to do this! I don't know what else to do honestly!

All he needs to do is go meet this therapist on his own on Wednesday (maybe this will be good for him). He has agreed to that appt and taking time off work, but I am sure he is thinking he is getting his way. I do not want to ambush him either but the session is to confront and deal with breaking up for good now.

He wrote me earlier "I felt like I was falling off the edge for minute there, now I feel like I have something to hold on to again. Thanks for not giving up on me ,on us!"

ugh I don't intend to lead him on at all but I want to get him to this appointment so badly!

I hope this will be helpful for each of us to move on and clear the air!

I am hoping this will work there is so much I can't control I am trying to keep focused on my goal of getting this man out of my life now

I can't control if he lets me go or not but I need to do something!

whatever feelings I was holding on to have dissipated in the last few months time he is mean to me when he doesn't get his way he suspects me of things I haven't done and calls me name now that he never did before it's so much worse now broken up than any fight we ever had never thought I could feel so hated by him , it happens so quickly he turns on me.

I can't do this anymore I don't want this in my life any longer. God I pray this is the right thing and the right way to achieve it!

I hope this is a good idea I don't know what else to do !

Jul 18 - 6PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Badabing

Time to turn this site off till Thursday! Your therapist is doing his job! I think listening to all of us is causing your head to spin! Roll with this decision and keep us posted! You're not an idiot, you are doing what's best for you and working with a professional thru this time! This isn't the first time hes had this situation. Best of luck and love Hunter Keep us posted
Jul 18 - 5PM
Susan32
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Not a good idea

Your ex-N sounds dangerous. Going to therapy with him is a compromising situation. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't take the ex-Psych prof to counseling... unless it was guaranteed that I could check him into the mental hospital that is literally a 5 minute drive from my place against his will ;) I'd just drop him off there, leave him stranded. I am SURE the mental hospital here could use some more patients. The state of California needs money, and people studying abnormal psychology could use him as a specimen ;) Drop him off and don't look back!
Jul 18 - 5PM (Reply to #38)
BadaBing
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@ Susan 32

thanks the therapist is also concerned and is going to stagger our arrivals so there will be no waiting room also she is meeting with him on wednesday alone to talk to him and get an idea of where his head is and then if that goes well she will meet us both on thursday I am all over confused susan I am really at a loss I feel like it's all up to me I can't keep going like this, I can't keep fighting him off or dealing with it and I can't make him disappear either of all the time up to this point, right now, he seems the most unstable that I have ever seen
Jul 18 - 5PM (Reply to #39)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Stick with your therapist instead...

I'd stand him up. He DESERVES to be punished for all the BS he has put you through. Say your piece with the therapist. You CAN make him disappear! If he's unstable, you're the one to give him the alcohol&the sleeping pills! It's NOT fair what he's put you through... therefore he does NOT deserve your trust or respect. I'd cancel the Thursday appointment-you can make up a bogus excuse. Cancel it between you&her.... keep him in the dark about it. It's all up to you. YOUR stability is what matters. HIS DOES NOT. If your mental stability depends on taking a hacksaw to his, do it. If the ex-P had tried to schedule an appointment.. I would've stood him up. Not give explanations. You are ENTITLED to treat him however you want. Nobody says you have to respect him.
Jul 18 - 2PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Bada

Pretty, and Girl are right, maybe take your sister! Journey is correct that a D&D has started! Proceed with caution! Hunter
Jul 18 - 3PM (Reply to #36)
BadaBing
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I will be careful

thank u for your concern
Jul 18 - 2PM (Reply to #34)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

so right

He can't wait to get you back...then what, sing fantastic about how happy he is, being that loving caring generous partner and confidant... or spending your time together telling you how unhappy he was, and how angry you made him, and eventually how you made him cheat...they all work the same way...you know it now...they really don't care how we feel...know that...They avoid responsibility by blaming others, especially the objects in their lives that don't behave correctly...he didn't grab you in the bar...he grabbed his possession..."get in the car, babe"..."I can't believe you're doing this to me,babe"...in his head it is all because of you, his actions mean nothing, that is how self-centered narcissists view the world that they inhabit alone. ds
Jul 18 - 3PM (Reply to #35)
BadaBing
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my intention

is not to go back to him. i don't know if this meeting will just blow up in my face or not. I will be as careful as possible but I feel better knowing that this will be done with soon. Even if he is disordered, I am seeking the help of the therapist for support to help us both listen to each other, I just hope he will HEAR me now. so much as happened, I want it to stop now. thanks chris
Jul 18 - 2PM
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Different situation

I completely understand the concerns everyone is expressing here. So many on this board have sought counseling with their exes in the attempt to repair the broken relationship. Usually, it just makes the relationship worse. The distinction I see here is that there IS no more relationship. I don't read that BB is trying to reconcile anything, only establish some boundaries with her ex. Ex is a little volatile right now, so it makes perfect sense to me that she would want to do this in a safe, controlled environment. She needs some back-up, he needs to see she's serious. Sounds like a solid plan to me. I really hope it helps bring this to a close. The point about safety afterward is a good one, but it sounds like her therapist is fully aware of the situation and can possibly advise about that.
Jul 18 - 3PM (Reply to #32)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

Ally

thank you for your blunt honesty and all the support you have given me since I joined here. I know you understand my reasons for doing this, and that I am really trying to find something that will work. That doesn't mean this will work but I really hope it will.I appreciate your help, advice and friendship during this difficult time of my life. I feel like I could tell you anything!
Jul 18 - 2PM
girlsinger
girlsinger's picture

BB

Hi BB there is no question that your intentions for this therapy is pure and clear I hear ya... However, "disordered" types, like yours see this move as a weakness on your part 'caving in" "winning", as it were nothing less... so, my dearheart with that understood proceed at your own risk. a risk I wouldnt take for all the tea in china for all the gold and silver on earth why? Because I have had more than a thumbprint to show for all of my love and concern much more... we care..BB be blessed K
Jul 18 - 3PM (Reply to #26)
mystwoman
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Bada, I agree with all these

Bada, I agree with all these people here. I hope it gives you some closure. However, since he's a narc, I wouldn't bet on it. There are not many of us on here that have EVER gotten anything close to closure from the narc. If you're looking for a neutral place to break it off with him forever, I sincerely wish you the best. However, please be aware that he will NOT being seeing this therapy session in the same frame of mind. Most likely he will see this as you giving into his rage, and him "winning" because he thinks he's finally bullied you into working things out with him. When you break it off (whether in front of a therapist or not), you will be putting yourself into more danger and he's already volatile. I'm very worried for your safety. In essence, you're taking a stick and poking at a dragon. Like Girlsinger and several others on this site, I have had more than a thumbprint to show for trying to "work with" xnh. These other people are also correct that narcs are master manipulators. I went to therapy for many months at two different points in my relationship with xnh. It was a complete and utter waste of time. He manipulated the therapists, and then attacked me after the sessions each time for "defying" him. When I told the therapist about xnh abusing me because of the information that was said in the session, xnh was told to stop his abusive behavior, and that "what was said in the sessions was to stay in the sessions". Xnh grabbed my face in the car (more bruises) and banged my head repeatedly into the car door window for my efforts on the way home from the session that day. I quit riding to therapy with xnh after that, and then I terminated the counseling. Therapy did no productive good because xnh is disordered (and hopeless), and going to therapy with him jeopardized my own safety. I'd have been better off spending the money I wasted on therapy for filing divorce papers and getting a restraining order. My best advice that I can give you about this, is that if you truly feel you must go to this session with this jerk, please take someone else with you for your own protection. Have them with you constantly before and after the session, and have them waiting for you the moment you exit the therapist's office door. Do no allow him one single second completely alone with you. I can almost guarantee that the narc will be either sniping at you or working on swaying you to "his" side of the story before the session. Afterward, he's highly likely to be enraged because you "broke it off", and he didn't get his way by bullying you. Please remember that this IS someone that's already been stalking you, and just went to jail for his behavior. He's not exactly concerned with whether or not causing you harm is illegal. This creep is now way beyond that point. He may quite possibly be laying in wait for you for quite some time in the future. I would expect his stalking to increase. Please be VERY careful for your own safety. I'm really worried for you. You are in danger. Huge hugs for you!

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Jul 18 - 3PM (Reply to #27)
BadaBing
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@ Myst

It really isn't about the closure - it's about respecting what I am asking of him - NC. I don't disagree at all with any of the comments I only have a different perspective of what I hope to come out of this. You all have much more experience and understand of these types of people. So I am listening to you, I am! Myst nothing else is working right now. I am at a loss how I can get him to let me go. I have a list of my goals for this meeting it is very long and I need to scale it down to 5 things on the agenda. He will have his own list as well if he makes and keeps his own appt on Wednesday. We are not driving together. I am not trying to make things worse. I am hoping this will be a positive outcome, I see many of you already think this will be bad. Maybe it will be, but I am still going to try. After this meeting , if his action keep up, if he stalks I will be forced to deal with him via the police and legal actions and I do not look forward to that or seeing that side of him. I am afraid of getting a restraining order right now.
Jul 18 - 5PM (Reply to #28)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

I truly, truly understand

I truly, truly understand what you're trying to say, because I had these exact feelings about xnh. You're wanting to define, and have him respect your wishes and boundaries. That's perfectly reasonable for you to want. It's normal. You deserve it. The problem is that these guys are NOT normal. They were disordered LONG before we ever met them. They have no boundaries themselves. They can mimic love. It's NOT real love though. They can imitate empathy and respect. However, that's ALL they're capable of doing...imitating. In my case, I kept thinking that because I'm able to be empathetic and can put myself into other people's shoes, xnh would do this with me as well. He's NOT capable. I tried and tried and tried to get him to understand my pain and get him to respect me as another human being. He can't, and not only that, he doesn't WANT to. I saw him as my husband, and the love of my life. He saw ME as a toaster with a deep pocket that he could mooch off, and use, for his own benefit. Like you, I wanted xnh to respect my wishes and leave me alone after he cheated and dumped me. He's harassed me for an entire year at work, even though I was quite clear about my wishes and why. What it all boiled down to, in the end, was that *I* had to force him to stay away from me in every way possible. *I* had to block him, shut him down, report him, and refuse to speak to him. Any word or action I did toward him, he saw as NS. It only encouraged him. I needed to be completely away from xnh in order to heal and recover. Therefore, NC was completely up to me to enforce. There is no middle ground. I had to just go completely NC, and accept nothing less from xnh. He wouldn't respect my wishes when I asked, therefore, I told him with my actions by enforcing them. The narc does NOT want NC. They want control. WE want and need NC. Thus, WE have to force THEM to stay away from us. It's our "law", and it's up to us to enforce it...in whatever way we need (including restraining orders, if necessary). In cases like yours, these jerks sometimes get violent, hostile, stubborn, and can be truly nasty before they finally move onto someone else to torment. I can only hope that your narc will move onto another source of NS SOON, and you can have the well-deserved peace that you need to rebuild your life without him. If this session is what you feel you really need to do, please protect yourself. You're hoping for a positive outcome. However, realistically because he's a narc that's already shown you his true self, please expect him to behave in negative ways. He's angry that he's not getting his way (control of you back), and he hasn't respected your wishes so far either. Don't expect him to respect them with this session any more than he has already (which is none). He doesn't WANT to, therefore, he won't. When you go into this session that old saying really applies, "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst." Protect yourself and keep yourself safe from the narc. What he thinks or feels really does NOT matter. What matters is you, your recovery, and your safety. Huge hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Jul 18 - 5PM (Reply to #29)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

thank u myst

for your response. You do understand and I hear what you are saying. You are most likely right that this will not work out the way I hope it will - it will not play out like I want it to in my mind. When I read you words I was immediately very scared of what you refer to as enforcement of NC by me. I have to admit that I am fearful of his wrath, after he found out I spoke to HR already I got a taste of it. I am not enough Myst, I am not enough to make him stop doing ANY THING. I have been happily NC and thought he was okay with it, it was out of the blue his appearance at both 4th of July and saturday night. He has begun to change more and made me feel like I can stop his behvavior by changing mine. I have never been more confused , not about what I need to do now, but how the hell I will really go about it? because let me say that I know what will happen when he flips the love coin to the hate side. He will all out go after me in every way he can imagine, wtth stealth. I would do anything to avoid that. any thing. will he be able to hear me and let me go? i don't know I hope he will because I am doing everything I can to avoid another incident or worse like this weekend
Jul 18 - 6PM (Reply to #30)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

God, Bada, how I can totally

God, Bada, how I can totally relate to your fear. The thought of what xnh can possibly do is terrifying to me as well. These jerks are big, fat question marks when it come to how far they'll really go. That is why being very high profile about this situation is in your best interest. You want to be so inaccessible to the narc, and so hard to approach that you are simply not worth his effort. Your friends, your family, your therapist, your support system in ANY form, the police, any security you can get for yourself, informing your employer about your situation, tell your landlord what is happening, they are ALL your assets. The more public the narc's behavior becomes, the better it is for your safety. These narc turds are amoral bullies. However, one big advantage that we have is they also don't want to get caught at their despicable behavior. They usually want to be sneaky and underhanded with the element of surprise on their side (just like your 4th of July and in the bar). They're counting on your being flustered and not knowing how to react. Therefore, if you make their behavior really public, they will be watched by others more and more. It ruins their "surprise". In addition, people will notice your presence. This is a good thing because, if some harm happens to you, the more people that know your situation, the more (and sooner) other people will come looking for you, AND the narc will be the first person on the suspect list. I, also, don't know if it would help you (or if you can do any of this in your living arrangements), but I live very remote in the country. Among the things that I have done in my life to upgrade my security have been: Get a gun, and take class to learn how to shoot it. Get a dog (the bigger and more ferocious sounding the better). Let the narc wonder if he's going to get his face chewed off if he messes with you. Get a burglar alarm system installed in your apartment. Mine was not very expensive to get installed and the company let me make payments. It is tied into my phone lines and has a panic button. It will immediately call the police if my phone lines are cut. Get a motion light installed on your door step so that you can see if someone is out there without opening the door. There's nothing quite as satisfying has having the narc approach your door, and having a light come on full into his face. :) Get either an alarm system or keyless entry installed on your car. Either system usually comes with a panic button, and it makes LOTS of noise. Take a self-defense class. Get some mace or a tazer for if the narc comes close. If you see the narc loitering around you and stalking, call the police on him. Let him spend some (more) quality time behind bars for his abusive behavior. Make it very public, while you're calling the police on him. Being bullies, narcs are usually chicken shits underneath, and they scatter because they don't want caught. Someone besides you might actually see how awful they REALLY are. lol. These are just a few ideas. None of this is intended to live in fear. Quite the contrary, I actually feel more empowered and self-confident knowing that I have protection. You can truly do a lot to be proactive against the narc, and protect yourself. Eventually the narc will (hopefully) start leaving you alone because you're more effort for him than he wanted to expend. Them leaving you alone is one of your major goals...and the happiness for the rest of your life without them begins. :) Huge hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Jul 18 - 3PM (Reply to #25)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

thanks k

I will be careful in my mind it seems a good idea will see if that is true later this week I hope he can hear me that is what I want most to be heard and that we can agree to separate for good I hope he will accept it as I have
Jul 18 - 1PM
bakingfortherapy
bakingfortherapy's picture

bada...

I wonder if it will end up being an exercise in futility...with NO results.. But I do wish you the best of luck with it and I hope it helps you in some way.
Jul 18 - 1PM (Reply to #23)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

thanks

for your positive thoughts!
Jul 18 - 1PM
bakingfortherapy
bakingfortherapy's picture

bada...

I wonder if it will end up being an exercise in futility...with NO results.. But I do wish you the best of luck with it and I hope it helps you in some way.
Jul 18 - 1PM
Journey
Journey's picture

I have to agree with Pretty

I have to agree with Pretty Peeved about being concerned... though, you've told him about it already and so in that case it may be best to go through with it. I agree that you need to meet him there and not be alone with him either before or after the meeting. Be prepared that the restraining order might still be necessary :( He might become even more enraged that he 'went to all the trouble to attend' and took time of work to do this... which he could throw in your face afterwards, blaming you for 'wasting' his time if you are ending the relationship anyway. It is true that the kind of closure we would like is seldom, if ever given to us by the disordered. But, that said, if this feels right to you, then I understand you wanting to try it and I wish you safety and luck in doing so. ((hugs))

Journey on...

Jul 18 - 3PM (Reply to #20)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

@ Journey

thanks for thinking of the things I am NOT thinking of I will ask for a friend to ride with me, my sister cannot attend she lives 20 mins away and it is too short of notice I can ask my friend to drive me and wait for me she will not mind I wrote him today and said that I didn't want to give him the impression that we were getting back together that this was just a meeting for us to talk and he said he understood were are only talking. He expresses such huge relief to me that he will get to see me and talk to me, I feel the same but for different reasons. I can only hope this goes well and that we are guided by the therapist. I am really not looking for closure as much as I want him to respect my choice, and NC. thanks journey
Jul 18 - 1PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

To be honest, I'm quite

To be honest, I'm quite concerned about this. In your previous posting he sounded very violent and I would be wary of any kind of therapy with him. How are you going to get there and get back? I would recommend someone go with you, or it'll be just you and him alone before and after the session. Secondly, it sounds a little to me as if you're trying to get closure (which is understandable) but I don't think he'll give it to you. He clearly thinks this is about continuing, not ending the relationship. Why is it so important that HE understands what's going on? Many of us have found out the hard way that narcs CAN'T or WON'T understand. I still think you need to get a restraining order and shut him out of your life, and go to the therapy sessions alone to sort it out in YOUR head. He won't ever change, no matter how many professionals you drag him to.
Jul 18 - 1PM (Reply to #17)
StudentOfLife
StudentOfLife's picture

I AGREE WITH PRETTYPEEVED!!

I AGREE WITH PRETTYPEEVED!! If you decided to go through with including him in your counseling session, DO make sure you take precautions to protect yourself just in case. Do not allow yourself to be alone with him. BadaBing ~ counseling is for YOU. Not for him. The nature of this Narcissistic disorder is... they cannot see themselves, they do not change. And -- when you do try to make them see themselves, when they may get close to the truth -- that is when they are known to become violent and aggressive. You cannot change him. What difference will this counseling session make for him, except to give him once again... a feeling that he has some sort of control over you once again?
Jul 18 - 1PM (Reply to #18)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

Ok

let me try again to make this CLEAR I am asking him to go to END IT for good. His behavior is escalating. I am not going to this session to diagnose him as a NARC NOR AM I TYRING TO CHANGE HIM I AM TRYING TO BE HEARD NO INCLUDE HIM IN MY THERAPY I am looking for a safe place to do it and have professional help thanks!!!!
Jul 18 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

I am not dragging him to

I am not dragging him to anything, it was an offer he accepted. I am not looking for closure I want to be heard, I want to confront his behavior his violence and set my boundaries. I want help to do this. It is his choice to go, I made no promises. A restraining order will send him over the edge and make things worse right now. Arriving in my own car, didn't think about the waiting. He will need to meet the therapist on his own Wednesday without me if he intends to go Thursday. He has made the time for it willingly.
Jul 18 - 1PM (Reply to #8)
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

OK, that was a poor choice of

OK, that was a poor choice of words on my part. I'm just concerned that he will go to any session you like if he thinks it'll get him what he wants. I suspect he'll play the therapist like a fiddle and have them halfway convinced that YOU are the one with the problem. Sorry if I've upset you at all, but I really am worried you'll have him turn violent on you as soon as the pair of you step out of that therapy room.
Jul 18 - 2PM (Reply to #9)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

@ pretty

you know I can't cover all the angles peeved I cant make it perfect for him or me in the situation my goal was to have a safe place to talk about what has gone on lately, deal with his cheating between the 2 of us, discuss whatever needs to be discussed and break up. now maybe this is naive of me - I have been naive before. I don't think it has anything to do with playing the therapist my goal for the meeting is breaking up and establishing real SOLID boundaries that he needs to respect. Now that does'nt mean this is all going to fall in line but how it has gone so far is not working. It is getting worse. I just want to be heard, for him to hear me when I ask him to leave me alone now. I made no promises of getting back together. I felt this was a smart choice because the therapist would also documents these discussions and the agreement of NC. I am not planning on attending therapy WITH HIM from this point on , I am using ONE SESSION to help us communicate and hopefully better understand each other. If he gets help on his own that is great, but I am not trying to extend our relationship any further. I hope I have been clear about what I want out of it and that is understandable.
Jul 18 - 3PM (Reply to #14)
Journey
Journey's picture

You have been clear to US

You have been clear to US about your intentions in this meeting, my concern is more about how clear you have been to HIM. What concerns me most is only that he will somehow feel like he was "hoodwinked or tricked" into agreeing to the meetings because he they 'made' him hold onto hope that it ISN'T over. He might turn it around with even more rage, thinking or blaming you for hurting him further (in his eyes), or doing something that was unfair - anything and everything he would project onto you because of his narcissistic injury fueled by your determination to set your boundaries and HIS complete loss of control over you when he sees you are really serious. What you want is completely understandable, but what HE wants is to erase the past and win you back, or take you back by force (as he established with you was his intention in the bar). Just be careful is all and be prepared for any manipulation, projection or maneuver he might use as he tries to accomplish HIS agenda. (((hugs)))

Journey on...

Jul 18 - 3PM (Reply to #15)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

I hear you

I texted him and made clear that this was only about talking and I am not trying to get his hopes up. I think he has a lot to get off his mind and that this will help ease some of our anxiety. He may turn it around Journey and I can't control that, that is why I wanted a therapist to help me deal with whatever happens and also to tell me what I need to do next. It is invaluable to me that she meets him and gets an idea of the man I was living with for 3 years and broke my heart. i think it provides her with better insight in to my issues. I hope she can help us achieve an understanding. Maybe I am in for a surprise. I will be safe, promise.